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Original poster

Both under 40, our relationship is deficient of sex because of ED

55 replies

SummersBreeze · 29/03/2022 17:28

It was about 3 years ago when I noticed the relationship I had with my fiance was drying up in sex. We weren't all that regular to begin with. It was once or twice a month when we first started dating. Then 3 years ago, we were newly engaged and I noticed the sex between us was drying up. It went to once every 2/3/4 months.

Every the we tried to have sex was dreadful because he wasn't able to maintain an erection for intercourse and he would have to finish himself off with masturbation. It was brutal to be honest.

The year 2020, we had sex once.
Last year we attempted twice but really there was nothing.

I hate this. I am at a crossroads now with him. He won't go to the doctor. He knows he's useless in the sack and he makes up for it in other ways. We are like soul mates. We have so much in common. One of my only issues now is the lack of sex. It's a huge elephant in the room. We don't have a sex life any more and without it I think we are like frIends or siblings.

Theres something else I am not happy with. When we started dating he said he never worked on Sundays and from the start we always made Sundays our day. Then last year he found a new job working Sundays and we have limited time together. We are working different schedules and times. We manage to get small pieces of time a week but that's it. Life between us is all work and no play. We are having some lovely Spring time weather lately. I was making a list of things I would like to do this summer and places to visit and I realized that our times and schedules are clashing and I might as well be single because I will be doing these things alone or with other mates. Not with him.

OP posts:
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 29/03/2022 19:17

It's most likely porn.

www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/202104/porn-induced-erectile-dysfunction

But basically he doesn't seem to have any interest in addressing it so what chance is there of the relationship working out. Best to tell him you're happy to continue to be friends, but you need to move on and find a more compatible partner.

LittleWhingingWoman · 29/03/2022 19:29

Don't settle for this. If he won't go to the GP there's nothing you can do.
But you can find someone who passionately adores you.

Moser85 · 29/03/2022 19:57

I can count on one hand the amount of times we've had any sexual chemistry between us in 3 years. I'm far too young to be this celibate. Of course, resentment is going to set in.

You have to take some responsibility for the situation you are in though. once or twice a month at the start when you should have been tearing each others clothes off. Surely that was a huge red flag.
Resenting him isn't really fair or healthy. It's not going to change. You would be better off trying to work on acceptance and then taking responsibility for your own choices, happiness and sex life, instead of waiting for something that will never happen, putting the responsibility on him to change... and then resenting him for it when he doesn't.

You'll just end up resenting him more and more and then the relationship will end anyway and you'll waste more years. There's no point in that.

Original poster
SummersBreeze · 29/03/2022 20:25

@Moser85

I can count on one hand the amount of times we've had any sexual chemistry between us in 3 years. I'm far too young to be this celibate. Of course, resentment is going to set in.

You have to take some responsibility for the situation you are in though. once or twice a month at the start when you should have been tearing each others clothes off. Surely that was a huge red flag.
Resenting him isn't really fair or healthy. It's not going to change. You would be better off trying to work on acceptance and then taking responsibility for your own choices, happiness and sex life, instead of waiting for something that will never happen, putting the responsibility on him to change... and then resenting him for it when he doesn't.

You'll just end up resenting him more and more and then the relationship will end anyway and you'll waste more years. There's no point in that.

It was once or twice or even three times a month at the start. It was not a red flag back then because that would have been the equivalent of about once a week except for the week of the period. It was not a red flag because how was I to know it was going to dwindle to nothing?

I agree with the rest of your post. I won't be trying to change him. I will be changing the situation myself by calling it a day with him.

OP posts:
Musttryharder2021 · 30/03/2022 05:15

@spacehardware

Seriously OP, I'm not attacking you but having sex once every month or so when first dating is not normal. At all. Why was that the situation? Why did you put up with it?
Maybe she'd been single a long time and didn't want to end up alone?
StopStartStop · 30/03/2022 05:19

The relationship should have ended after six months. Leave now.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/03/2022 06:44

It was once or twice or even three times a month at the start. It was not a red flag back then because that would have been the equivalent of about once a week except for the week of the period. It was not a red flag because how was I to know it was going to dwindle to nothing?

Was it your first serious relationship? This is a very low amount of sex to have in the first flush of a relationship. It just is. Maybe you didn't realise that from not having prior experience? It does indicate that he's not very sexual. Couples tend to have sex less frequently as time goes on so when your starting point is 3 times a month it's only going to go downhill.

GeneLovesJezebel · 30/03/2022 06:46

End it now, stop wasting your sexy years.
The power is in his hands, quite literally, to do something about this for your relationship yet he won’t.
So he doesn’t love you that much, he clings to you because he knows no one else would put up with it and he’d be alone.

TracyMosby · 30/03/2022 06:49

Dont waste any more time. This is a man who wont look after himself at all.

HollowTalk · 30/03/2022 06:54

It sounds as though he's got the porn death grip. Quite honestly I don't know why you're still with him. If he was your soulmate he would be going to the doctor and getting this resolved.

He needs to also get his gum issue resolved as well. He's going to end up with no teeth if he's not careful.

DrBrennerFan · 30/03/2022 06:57

I’d leave and good luck mines been sexless for years never was that bothered even in the early days.

GoodnessTruthBeauty · 30/03/2022 07:05

You are clearly unsatisfied (literally) with this relationship, don't get married. I consider my DH my best friend and we have been married 25 yrs but we also have an active sex life. Without sex and sexuality I would hate to have a sibling type relationship with my own husband, that sounds gruesome. You can still remain good friends but leave so you can find someone with mutual desire.

Sex has kept play, humour and touch in our marriage and keeps is connected in a way that is like nothing else. I know we would both be miserable if expected to live together without sex, unless as DH says we are just too old!

spacehardware · 30/03/2022 07:08

"Maybe she'd been single a long time and didn't want to end up alone?"

Well that was a serious error. Along with a partner who is feckless about housework being something that should not be tolerated early doors, if sex even vaguely matters don't settle for someone who clearly doesn't enjoy it.

SunflowerTed · 30/03/2022 14:19

I had a similar situation with my ex and called time on the relationship. I loved him but sex is important to me and sounds like it is to you. Now married and having more sex then I can handle!!!

PermanentTemporary · 30/03/2022 14:26

Of course things aren't going well. I think it's just unusual to say you feel he's your soul mate even though it's always been sexually low frequency which has now died completely, you refer to him as useless and he's avoiding spending time with you.

If he really is your soul mate, then he needs to go to the doctor and the dentist and open up on what's going on. I have to say though, he could still do that whether you are together or not. This sounds as if it's reached an end point if I'm honest.

Marzipanmike · 30/03/2022 14:28

What collieresponder88 said

Original poster
SummersBreeze · 30/03/2022 15:54

We get on well outside of the bedroom and we have so much in common but the bedroom activities are nil and without a sexual connection in my mind i already downgraded our relationship status to friends. I'm in a hard place because I am torn. He is a good person and we got on well but our relationship is empty of sex. We are not old or severely sick or handicapped to be this celibate.

OP posts:
spacehardware · 30/03/2022 16:10

You don't have to justify sex mattering to you. It doesn't make you some kind of sex crazed weirdo, you are young (it would be normal to want sex even if you weren't) and enforced celibacy is unfair on you. Start over, there are other men with whom you will have a connection and great sex.

Original poster
SummersBreeze · 30/03/2022 16:24

He was always forthcoming telling me that he loves me. He was never shy like that but without sex it doesn't feel like it. Without sex, I question myself and I feel fat and ugly even though I am looking after myself. We usually make time once a week to cuddle together and there's no pressure for sex but still there has been nothing. I work hard and I think I would now like these evenings to focus on myself and give myself some time and energy. There was a day a few weeks ago where I worked all day. I never even got 5 minutes for myself. When I got home,I started getting ready for bed with him and I never even got 5 minutes for myself. I came down with migraine after that because I never got time for me.

OP posts:
19Bears · 30/03/2022 16:25

Please do not continue with this man and end up sexless for the rest of your life. Me and dh haven't had sex for 11 years, and honestly I am so used to this, I don't even notice how long it's been. And I don't think it's anything to do with ED in his case, it just doesn't ever happen, and didn't happen that much at the start either really. I wish I'd got out sooner, I am so drained by it all now. You deserve a loving and sexual relationship. It's pointless being with someone who you are only friends with. Good luck x

Waterfordaston · 30/03/2022 16:34

God just bin this. Seriously.

The massive red flag is that he KNOWS this is a problem and isn’t doing anything about it, so he’s effectively prioritised his reticence about seeing the doctor, over your perfectly legitimate need for a sex life. There lies the problem.

ElleBelleLou · 30/03/2022 16:38

I agree with all the other posters, you need to end this and find someone different. Compatibility is so important in a relationship and I think you're clearly just not sexually compatible. I think you'll be so much happier with someone who can satisfy you - to me sex is so important it's how I feel like I'm attractive and connected to my partner. I hope you find a good solution OP x

Shunter350 · 30/03/2022 16:44

@19Bears

Please do not continue with this man and end up sexless for the rest of your life. Me and dh haven't had sex for 11 years, and honestly I am so used to this, I don't even notice how long it's been. And I don't think it's anything to do with ED in his case, it just doesn't ever happen, and didn't happen that much at the start either really. I wish I'd got out sooner, I am so drained by it all now. You deserve a loving and sexual relationship. It's pointless being with someone who you are only friends with. Good luck x
Yes. Exactly. It gets more difficult as the years add up.. it gets more difficult mentally ( being seen as "unwanted" or unattractive sexually) and it gets more difficult to leave..
Anothernick · 30/03/2022 18:41

@SummersBreeze

He was always forthcoming telling me that he loves me. He was never shy like that but without sex it doesn't feel like it. Without sex, I question myself and I feel fat and ugly even though I am looking after myself. We usually make time once a week to cuddle together and there's no pressure for sex but still there has been nothing. I work hard and I think I would now like these evenings to focus on myself and give myself some time and energy. There was a day a few weeks ago where I worked all day. I never even got 5 minutes for myself. When I got home,I started getting ready for bed with him and I never even got 5 minutes for myself. I came down with migraine after that because I never got time for me.
For men a cuddle easily leads to arousal. My DW is very tactile and of course I do not discourage that but the truth is I sometimes avoid cuddles if sex is not on the cards as I find it frustrating. The fact you cuddle your DP and he is apparently not tempted to go further suggests that he does not have the urges that men usually have.
HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 30/03/2022 18:56

@SummersBreeze

We get on well outside of the bedroom and we have so much in common but the bedroom activities are nil and without a sexual connection in my mind i already downgraded our relationship status to friends. I'm in a hard place because I am torn. He is a good person and we got on well but our relationship is empty of sex. We are not old or severely sick or handicapped to be this celibate.
Do you know if he has ever had a testosterone level check ?