Both under 40, our relationship is deficient of sex because of ED

[SummersBreeze]

It was about 3 years ago when I noticed the relationship I had with my fiance was drying up in sex. We weren't all that regular to begin with. It was once or twice a month when we first started dating. Then 3 years ago, we were newly engaged and I noticed the sex between us was drying up. It went to once every 2/3/4 months.

Every the we tried to have sex was dreadful because he wasn't able to maintain an erection for intercourse and he would have to finish himself off with masturbation. It was brutal to be honest.

The year 2020, we had sex once.
Last year we attempted twice but really there was nothing.

I hate this. I am at a crossroads now with him. He won't go to the doctor. He knows he's useless in the sack and he makes up for it in other ways. We are like soul mates. We have so much in common. One of my only issues now is the lack of sex. It's a huge elephant in the room. We don't have a sex life any more and without it I think we are like frIends or siblings.

Theres something else I am not happy with. When we started dating he said he never worked on Sundays and from the start we always made Sundays our day. Then last year he found a new job working Sundays and we have limited time together. We are working different schedules and times. We manage to get small pieces of time a week but that's it. Life between us is all work and no play. We are having some lovely Spring time weather lately. I was making a list of things I would like to do this summer and places to visit and I realized that our times and schedules are clashing and I might as well be single because I will be doing these things alone or with other mates. Not with him.

@19Bears it’s never too late to leave

For men a cuddle easily leads to arousal. My DW is very tactile and of course I do not discourage that but the truth is I sometimes avoid cuddles if sex is not on the cards as I find it frustrating. The fact you cuddle your DP and he is apparently not tempted to go further suggests that he does not have the urges that men usually have.

For some reason I wasn't able to quote you.

We never really enjoyed night time, it was usually always in the morning. I don't think there was any action at night time.
We always had morning time activities. Over the past 3 years it rarely retranslated to intercourse.

Has he ever got his testosterone levels checked

Not that I know off. It's impossible to get him to the doctor. I presume if he went to his GP, a testosterone check would be routine. I get bloods taken every year now to check on things so I presume a testosterone check would be routine. I don't know but he won't go to the doctor unless if it's for a sore back or other sore body part. He probably won't ever tell the GP.

@SummersBreeze
No, a testosterone level check would not be part of a normal blood check,
Testosterone is produced overnight, with highest levels in the morning then declining during the day, this is why a Dr would take blood for a testosterone level check before 11am, you posted the following

We never really enjoyed night time, it was usually always in the morning. I don't think there was any action at night time.
We always had morning time activities

Which could suggest lower then expected testosterone levels.

You can get online blood tests ( for lots of things)

www.numan.com/numankind/the-hard-truth-about-testosterone-and-erectile-dysfunction

Blood test is about £130 I think, all via post, but he has to want to do it of course.

His attitude to sex is an much of a problem as the erectile dysfunction. At his age, I would be guessing it's one of the following, in no particular order -

Stress, depression, porn, death-grip, lack of sexual attraction to you for whatever reason, low testosterone or some other health condition.

There are many reasons why couples stop having sex - vaginimus, pain, history of abuse, ED, illness, loss of interest/attraction, loss of libido, sexual orientation confusion, endometriosis.

Needing some assistance in sex isn't uncommon, many women need lube because their natural lubrication is insufficient. Human bodies aren't perfect and don't always perform as needed on demand.

Looking at it is as he is bad in bed really isn't fair. He doesn't control his ED. He should go see a doctor and see if there is an underlying cause. Every partner needs to decide if they are okay with someone who has health issues or difficulites or needs assistance or has anxieties that impact them sexually.