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Original poster

How to manage friend situation

51 replies

Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 09:00

I'm married with 3 daughters. Friend is single parent, her daughters go to their dads eow. On the weekends when friend doesn't have the children, she likes to have something planned for every hour of the weekend. She literally will not be alone. She often wants me to commit to spending the whole day with her. I'm finding this a real struggle, as it feels like I am saying to my H and children ''I'm off for the day, its a lovely day the sun is shining, enjoy yourselves coz I've got loads planned for me today and I'll see you when I turn up (i.e. when friend releases me, or that's what it feels like) sometime tonight''. I realise friend doesn't want to be alone at the weekends, but its not my job to entertain her. At the weekends I would much rather be at home. I cannot stand shopping (she loves it). My H wont do anything with the girls while I am off for the day, but the girls mostly do their own stuff anyways (ages 13 - 16).

AIB selfish to not want to go out with friend ? I'm more than happy to see her in the eves, including a weekend eve. But my weekend days are precious to me as I have the 3 girls and a stressful FT job with 17 staff to manage in the week.

OP posts:

ThePlantsitter · 28/03/2022 09:02

Of course yanbu. You just need to be clear with her.

Original poster

Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 09:10

@ThePlantsitter she is going to be cross and upset with me if I said I didn't want to do anything with her at the weekends, in terms of a whole day event. I'm happy to do a day maybe once a month. I also feel that what ever she arranges for the day is organised out of just having something, anything, to do to fill her time. She could make a shopping trip to 3 shops last the entire day once she adds in a 8am pick up time, breakfast on the way there, lunch and then a coffee break on the way home.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 28/03/2022 09:11

What you have, is a problem saying no. The longer ot goes on for, the more she will expect it on a regular basis. Any friend can and should accept if your busy. Just say you've got stuff to do, or that you are too tired and need a day of rest. Offer to see in evening if you're up for that. The answer is obvious, it really should not be hard to say.

HellToTheNope · 28/03/2022 09:14

she is going to be cross and upset with me if I said I didn't want to do anything with her at the weekends

So? Let he be upset. Her demands of you are totally unreasonable and you need to learn to say No. Her feelings about it are not your problem.

Opentooffers · 28/03/2022 09:21

You are feeling responsible for her emotions when you shouldn't. It's down to her to be reasonable. I'm sure she wouldn't want to lose you as a friend, sounds like you are the only one she has.
You'd be doing her a favour potentially if you go out for an evening instead, as there is more chance of her meeting someone new. I can guarantee that if she met someone new, she'd see you a lot less. Any chance you could assist in that maybe?

ChaToilLeam · 28/03/2022 09:22

Just tell her. If she’s cross and upset that’s on her. You have a family and things to do yourself. She sounds absolutely draining.

Original poster

Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 09:31

@ChaToilLeam it's beyond draining. I feel a complete bitch for saying/admitting that I'm finding myself justifying my weekends to her and having to pre-plan things with my girls, just to get the time back to myself.
@Opentooffers I would love her to meet someone. It would take the pressure off me. She is 5 years separated, pending divorce, and not met anyone at all in that time.

It's not that I don't want to spend time with her; I don't want to use up any of my precious weekend days with anyone else other than myself, H and the girls.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 09:41

and @Opentooffers yes, I have a huge problem saying no. I think my friend is aware of this and uses it to her advantage. The issue of her wanting to spend the day with me at the weekends is just the tip of the iceberg. I cannot go into any more detail as its too outing. And I have already been outted on here before (but not by this friend)

OP posts:

Felicity42 · 28/03/2022 09:43

Gosh this sounds draining. How come she has so much control over you? You'll have to pull away.
Contact her in advance of her Saturday off and tell her a specific time slot you are free. Don't sit and wait for her to send the instructions to you.
She's using you for a different function other than genuine friendship and you can feel that.
You could also find an activity on a Saturday where there's other people, like a yoga class or other class and invite her to join you. That will change the dynamic where she 'owns' you like you are her little sister who does she 'takes' shopping.

Arucanafeather · 28/03/2022 09:56

I had this dynamic with my sister. It got a lot better when she met her fabulous DH but I still felt she viewed me as a bit part in the sitcom of her life. It was hard to change a habit set from our childhoods but I went for counselling and mentally prepared my own boundaries. I find it easier to set boundaries by text and to give credit to my sister after an initial disbelieve and genuinely feeling like I was being out of line, she’s totally respected my viewpoint and we have a great time together now. I didn’t handle it in the best way I could have done but it was worth doing.

She will feel disappointed because an expectation has been allowed to develop. You need to accept that she may not want what you’re actually willing to offer. Be kind in other ways but definitely work on your own boundaries.

Original poster

Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 09:56

@Felicity42 very draining. To the point this is affecting my mental health and wellbeing. I will also admit, that I have lied in the past about what I am doing at the weekends, just to make myself unavailable. I'm not proud of that, its wrong and I know it. I've lied on the times I have had nothing planned, when I could think of nothing else to say and she was on the cusp of/had suggested a day together.

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Original poster

Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 10:03

@Arucanafeather that is exactly it, an expectation has developed. I have allowed her to control me in terms of boundaries and my time. I#m fed up with it. Its my fault and I can see no way out.

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Georgeskitchen · 28/03/2022 10:05

Poor you. One of my pets hates is being dragged round shops with other people. You need to be firm and say no. Arrange one afternoon/evening out every month or so and just tell her you need time with your family.

2DogsOnMySofa · 28/03/2022 10:12

A simple 'sorry, can't see you this weekend, I'm spending time with my family. How about we have a day out on x date' if she then wants to see you before x date, tell her that you're seeing her in x date, so I'll see you then.

ThePlantsitter · 28/03/2022 10:18

It is hard I know. Is it that she asks 'what are you doing this weekend?' rather than specifically asking you to do things? You need to decide what you want in advance. If you want to keep the weekend free to hang out with your kids that's entirely up to you. Rather than saying 'nothing' or 'I don't know' you can say 'hanging out with the kids' or 'chilling on my own' or something that means you have a window for an evening out (IF YOU WANT) but are not free for a whole day out. You will have to live through the upset. She needs to sort herself out. Why is her upset more difficult for you to assuage than your own discomfort?

Goldbar · 28/03/2022 10:19

I have a friend who is a bit like this, in that when we meet up, it seems to go on for the whole day with no end . Whereas with other friends, they get that a 10am meet-up finishes at midday or perhaps they'll stay for lunch and then take themselves off (most of my friends have young children so we don't really have long lazy lunches!). Whereas this friend will still be hanging around at 5.30pm when I'm organising dinner and bath-time.

I either meet her later now (so mid-afternoon) or I organise something like swimming for the afternoon and let her know in advance that I'll have to leave at a certain time.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/03/2022 10:21

You don't need me to tell you that this is a really unreasonable expectation on her part. You've said she's manipulative, and she is. It's really beyond selfish to expect this of you. You sound like a hostage to her bad reaction, which is just emotional blackmail. Please stand up to her. You're 'offering' an outing per month, it's not like you're 'cutting her off'.

Truthisout · 28/03/2022 10:26

How can she possibly be upset that you want to spend time with your own family at the weekends?

It really sounds like a case of "well I can't see my kids, so you can't see yours!"

Original poster

Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 10:32

@ThePlantsitter it can be a mixture of both. Sometimes its her asking me what I am doing and sometimes her suggesting we do stuff. If she is asking me then I try to make sure I give a full weekend of activities (even if true or untrue). But I'm also aware that this can/will look like I am actively avoiding her. I don't mind a 2 hour lunch with her, for example, but just not a whole day.

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Original poster

Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 10:32

@Truthisout It really sounds like a case of "well I can't see my kids, so you can't see yours!"

////\ YES ! totally.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 28/03/2022 10:36

So she's a bully who is more important than your children and husband?

She's draining and using you, but she is more important than your family?

Do you realise what an awful example you are to your daughters regarding enforcing boundaries?

Is this the example you want to be to your daughters?

That they are an adult woman who can't say No?

Think about that.

Think about how that will effect having any long-term relationship.

Do you want them bullied by a man?

Opaljewel · 28/03/2022 10:39

Just be honest with her. By not being honest, you're holding yourself to hostage!

All you have to tell her is you are happy to spend a two hour lunch with her every couple of weeks perhaps, maybe sometimes switching it to a week day evening. Just tell her your time is precious and you need time at the weekend for your family and things that you need to get done due to working full time.

Why not take the lead after telling her by planning a lunch with her in two weeks from now and say I can't spend all day with you but I am happy to go out for lunch.

That way you are taking some of the control back.

If it upsets her, then she isn't much of a friend to begin with. It's not like you're saying to her you don't want to spend time with her. Encourage her to go on friend making apps or meet up to see if she can find a group of friends to fill her weekends up with. Sounds like you're the only friend.

Putting boundaries up is necessary for your own mental health. Why are you upsetting yourself for the sake of not upsetting your friend?

It just takes a bit of firmness and bravery from you. You'll feel a lot better once you've done it.

Original poster

Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 10:42

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants You don't need me to tell you that this is a really unreasonable expectation on her part

Its totally unreasonable, but I don't think she can see it. I am really at my wits end with it all tbh. I don't want to not be friends with her, I just want to not have the whole days out/expectation for this eow. I'm now being affected mentally.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 10:45

@Opaljewel she has other friends, but none of these can spend the whole day with her due to their own home set ups. I like the idea of suggesting things eg lunch and taking more control.

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 28/03/2022 10:46

Why can you not say:

Sorry busy family weekend won’t be able to catch up until next week - how about next Sunday 3pm coffee?

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