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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to manage friend situation

51 replies

Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 09:00

I'm married with 3 daughters. Friend is single parent, her daughters go to their dads eow. On the weekends when friend doesn't have the children, she likes to have something planned for every hour of the weekend. She literally will not be alone. She often wants me to commit to spending the whole day with her. I'm finding this a real struggle, as it feels like I am saying to my H and children ''I'm off for the day, its a lovely day the sun is shining, enjoy yourselves coz I've got loads planned for me today and I'll see you when I turn up (i.e. when friend releases me, or that's what it feels like) sometime tonight''. I realise friend doesn't want to be alone at the weekends, but its not my job to entertain her. At the weekends I would much rather be at home. I cannot stand shopping (she loves it). My H wont do anything with the girls while I am off for the day, but the girls mostly do their own stuff anyways (ages 13 - 16).

AIB selfish to not want to go out with friend ? I'm more than happy to see her in the eves, including a weekend eve. But my weekend days are precious to me as I have the 3 girls and a stressful FT job with 17 staff to manage in the week.

OP posts:
DoItAfraid · 28/03/2022 10:46

Wow why does she have so much control over you?

Just say no.

Your needs are valid too.

Read this again, several times:

“ I don't want to use up any of my precious weekend days with anyone else other than myself, H and the girls.”

HoboSexualOnslow · 28/03/2022 10:50

Oh OP boundaries are definitely needed. My sister was a bit like this, she loves an hour away so it's not a short visit. I started saying no ajd not going so often and she has really respected my boundaries on it. If she gets upset just accept it, you're not responsible for her feelings.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/03/2022 10:50

It's really really simple, you just tell her when you are free to see her, and tell her you have other stuff to do the rest of the time.

FuckThatBullshit · 28/03/2022 10:58

Ah another Needy Nellie. I wouldn't be friends with someone like this at all it would suffocate the living shit out of me. She needs to either learn to like her own company or join meet up groups, classes etc. As you've said - it's not your job to babysit her. Be firm.

CaveMum · 28/03/2022 10:59

You need to learn to say no and not feel as if you need to justify yourself.

Original poster
Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 11:02

@DoItAfraid Wow why does she have so much control over you? I really don't know why I allow this to happen. She's a stronger and more assertive person than me. I think she uses this to her advantage. She's the type of person who falls into a bucket of sh*t and comes out with roses and money in her mouth. I've started to push back a little. I think she has been taken aback by this a bit, but I need to be strong enough to push back for the whole days out. I'm a walkover and she 100% knows it.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/03/2022 11:05

Could she join a gym and go there at the weekends? Could you encourage her to go on a dating site?

Original poster
Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 11:18

@HollowTalk she has no hobbies, would never go to a gym, won't do online dating, she has no family in this country. I feel she is needy for others to entertain her. She doesn't spend any time at home alone when her girls aren't there. She outstays her welcome/is over bearing/intrusive/invites herself at every opportunity.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/03/2022 11:21

Oh god, she sounds awful! Would she be there for you if you needed help or a night out?

Original poster
Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 11:35

@HollowTalk she's always up for a night out. We have had some great nights out. I've never asked her - or anyone - for help. I once asked her to pop in to feed my pet bird when I was away, she ignored that part of the message (but answered others parts of the message) and I never asked her again.

OP posts:
Septimius · 28/03/2022 11:42

Your friend sounds quite selfish. Would she be there for you in the same way? What was she like as a friend when she was married? My friends the same, recently single and expects me to drop DH and DC to help her find someone. I find it hard to say no but I know I need to, I don’t know why I struggle with boundaries but I do.

AlisonDonut · 28/03/2022 11:47

Why do you value your time as less than hers?

Felicity42 · 28/03/2022 11:47

Don't be too hard on yourself. Your part in this is a pattern of responding that you probably learned many years ago. To go along with stuff to keep yourself safe. I'm a bit like that too. I find very hard to ask others for help or to do me a favour, it seems like a huge thing. But I'm happy to go along with what others seem to want of me.
Putting other people's needs ahead of our own is really what's going. I can avoid the uncomfortable feelings of pushing my needs on others.
Because it's easier to get 'likes' by falling in with others plans!
The silver lining to this is that she is teaching you about putting your needs first sometimes. Also, it's quite possible she'd find other avenues for herself if your pleasant company is reduced.

AlisonDonut · 28/03/2022 12:01

When she asks you again, say 'no'.

Problem sorted.

Original poster
Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 12:04

@Felicity42 I read Putting other people's needs ahead of our own is really what's going this really resonates with me. TBH I'm sick of putting others people needs ahead of mine.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 28/03/2022 12:06

If you do want to see her, and it sounds like you still do, then take control. Suggest a lunch, and then say you will be heading off at x time because you have plans. If you suggest an evening out, then make sure you make it clear that during the day you Have Plans.

Your plans might just be chilling out with your family, doesn’t matter. She doesn’t get to dictate your time and what you do.

If you get pushback, then ditch. TBH she sounds like one of life’s takers. Can’t be bothered with that shit anymore.

Spanglemum · 28/03/2022 12:13

Hi OP, you've been given some really good advice here and I just wanted to say that it's ok to say 'I'm busy/I have plans'. You don't have to justify yourself to her. It's not fair on your H and children or you. The thing you said about not feeding your bird makes me think that she's quite selfish and manipulative. If you want to carry on being her friend then keep it on your terms.

Original poster
Ilovebrussels · 28/03/2022 12:18

@ChaToilLeam yes I still want to see her and be friends. I will always have her back but I now need more time for me. She has been dictating my time and to some extent she's been controlling other things in my life and I have had enough.

OP posts:
Shostaklovhich · 28/03/2022 12:18

I don’t think it’s the situation that needs to be managed, but your boundaries that need to be managed - by you. Your friend seems to have a lot of control over you, and you have a problem saying no to her. You say her other friends can’t spend the day with her because of their set up, but actually with great inconvenience to them they could probably spend more time with her if they really tried, only they know their boundaries and have made them clear, which is what you also need to do if you want your weekends back.

crispmidnightpeace · 28/03/2022 13:03

No you're not being selfish. You are a friend not a sitter. I totally get whey she can't be alone but why not suggest that she join some groups or something where she can make new friends? She needs more than one friend to rely on, or you end up pushing that friend away.

FinallyHere · 28/03/2022 13:48

She often wants me to commit to spending the whole day with her.

Why would you imagine her needs trump your own, and that standing up for yourself would make you "selfish"

What advice would you give your daughter, friend or sibling? Do that.

FinallyHere · 28/03/2022 13:52

Oh, and by the way. How some one deals with you saying 'no' to them is a great test of character, of what sort of person they are.

Especially if you are not used to saying no, I would encourage you to do so to all your friends, just to check out how they react.

Don't give so much of your time to someone who does not accept a no gracefully. This rule works much wider than for just friendship, it's a useful rule of thumb.

SunflowerTed · 28/03/2022 14:00

@HellToTheNope

she is going to be cross and upset with me if I said I didn't want to do anything with her at the weekends

So? Let he be upset. Her demands of you are totally unreasonable and you need to learn to say No. Her feelings about it are not your problem.

Your priority is your H and kids. She must understand that. No brainer
Whatinthelord · 28/03/2022 14:09

You need to firstly consider if overall she is someone you actually want in your life. Do you really like being with her? Is she really ever likely to respect your boundaries. If no then ending the friendship seems sensible.

However if you truly want to continue the friendship you need to do some research into being assertive and holding boundaries. This means things like…

  • limiting how often she can contact you. You don’t have to answer calls/texts immediately.
  • saying No, without giving a reason or excuse. “Sorry I can’t come shopping Saturday” is enough. You don’t need to provide reasons to her. *disengaging and holding a boundary.

I really feel for you as it sounds so stressful to feel powerless in your own friendship. However in the long run being more assertive in your own relationships will reduce stress on you.

HateASD · 28/03/2022 14:15

OP I'm the same woose as you! I can't say no to people I feel sorry for Confused

What you can do to get out of it without feeling like a dick is to blame your DH that he can't take it anymore etc

I've done it before and it works Wink