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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I deleted a woman from his Facebook

125 replies

Dollyandflower · 27/03/2022 08:57

My boyfriend and me met 18 months ago. We talked and got close for 4 months and to be honest neither of us was in the best place for a new relationship. We had a little row and he over reacted and deleted me march 2021. He spoke to me 2 weeks later and then when we tried to discuss why we had clashed he tensed up and went off again for 6 weeks. I went onto his Facebook spying as we sometimes do. I noticed he had added a new woman. She was hearting his pictures and I clicked her page. She lived an hour away and there was absolutely no obvious connection.

He came back to talk to me 6 weeks later. We started getting close again and then one particular day she wrote something on his status that made me decide I needed to know. I asked her nicely how she knew him as we had been off and on for a while. She told me they met on tinder and had met and had sex a few times. He had told her he didn't want a relationship though and she told me there was no love or anything. When I told her about me she called him a nob and apologised as she had no idea about me. I deleted him that night and started moving on.

8 weeks later he's had therapy and really sorted himself out. It showed. I asked him if he had met anyone over the summer. He said no but he needed some time to figure out if he wanted a relationship and he said he tried to fight the feelings for me because he's scared but I'm the only woman he's felt love and closeness for since his ex. We've been together ever since and we are building up q future. But this woman has remained on his Facebook and she's now engaged to another man. The last few weeks she's started liking the odd thing and put a comment on his status the other day. So last night when he was asleep I deleted her off his Facebook.

He's never ever told me about her and I think they are both being really shitty towards me.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 27/03/2022 14:28

It's not 'like' he's never respected you

He has never respected you

But hey if this is the kind of crap you're looking for in a relationship then give him another go!

whitewashing · 27/03/2022 14:35

…and this is why children shouldn’t have FB accounts.

speakball · 27/03/2022 14:35

And the only response to seeing how complicated and twisty it all is is to walk away, not fiddle with his friendships on fb. You're scared of being single, there is no other reason why a human would respond this way. Have you thought about therapy?

SophieSoSo · 27/03/2022 14:36

He hasn’t ever respected you has he?

Too scared of his feelings to be in a relationship with you but fine to fuck other women? Come on, it’s the oldest trick in the book!

8 weeks of therapy, he’s all sorted but still lying to you? You’re deleting women from his Facebook while he sleeps

Do you not see the massive red flags?

SpicePumpkin · 27/03/2022 14:39

He is under no obligation to tell you about anyone he has ever had sex with. The same as you. It's none of your business who he had sex with when you weren't together!

You're focusing too much on Facebook friends. This isn't what mature adults do. This is what children do.
I have several ex's and people I used to know/have slept with on my Facebook. Sometimes we will like something each other has posted. I'm 100% sure my husband probably does too. It doesn't mean any of us are having sec with each other still! Social media is not real life!

He's probably not told you about her because he doesn't want you to react like you actually have!

goldensilver · 27/03/2022 14:40

@Dollyandflower

Its the fact he pretended I'm the only person he's had sex with since his ex and he told me about his tinder qccpunt being set up through the lads at work. I have asked him twice in random conversations whether he has met anyone from tinder. He's insisted no not at all. You are the only woman I've wanted to have sex with.

If he had told me the truth I'd have never had to feel shit. But it's like he's never respected me by thinking ill just keep w random woman I had sex with on my Facebook and respond to her comments and presume my girlfriend won't notice or ever have to know how I know her.

I never once with my ex needed to check either.

It just makes no sense they stayed on eachothers social media's and know they've had sex and I'm just there seeing her reacting to him.

Also he played me around in those early months whilst he was getting over his ex and he was recovering from alcohol abuse and a suicide attempt. He told me he loved me. We got so close and then he would cut me off when he was struggling. Come back. Express he was getting too close to me then run. He soon told this lady he didn't want a tealtionshio but offered her friends with benefits.

If he had said I had a fling when we stopped speaking and she's on my Facebook but we don't have anything between us then it would have been fine..but also if you really love your girlfriend why would you even risk her ever finding that out by keeping someone around that you don't intend to see again.

The only solution to this situation is to break up. If you don't trust him then nothing that anyone on mumsnet says is going to change that. I understand that you're upset and I know what it's like to be in a relationship like this, but honestly, this isn't going to get any better.
JulesRimetStillGleaming · 27/03/2022 14:42

8 weeks is not enough "therapy" to be sorted out. At best he's spoken to a counsellor about a few things.

UserLibra78 · 27/03/2022 14:43

Almost a full time job having to “delete” or ware off any potential women he might or will be interested on.

Sounds exhausting

HellToTheNope · 27/03/2022 14:45

Neither one of you are even remotely mature enough to be in a relationship. Your judgement is appalling.

girlmom21 · 27/03/2022 14:46

Why don't you just say "I know you're lying. I spoke to X."

You don't want to be with a liar. You'll never trust him.

Hiddenvoice · 27/03/2022 14:46

I think he’s not told you because he doesn’t want to upset you. He didn’t want a relationship with this girl and made it clear to her.
Were you two only talking before or were you an actual couple going on dates/ exclusive because if you were talking and getting close then he won’t think he has to tell you. If you were dating and constantly splitting up then he will not want to start an argument with you about it.
He’s not been honest about it but he’s also not hidden her, he’s openly responded to messages which makes me think he’s not been that interested in her.
You need to decide what to do now.
Either talk to him and explain you know the truth or end it with him.
If you tell him how you know the truth then he may become upset that you messaged this girl and then you’ve accessed his account and removed her.
If you can’t move past this then I’m sorry but I can’t see your relationship going anywhere because you’ll always doubt him

LemonTT · 27/03/2022 15:00

*This has happened to me in the past and I'm now with a man who talks to women online from his school days. It's never q nice experience is it. With my ex he was up to no good with so many different women I lost track.

I always look at the older generation and think would my dad do this to my mum? Would my grandad do this? Often these days social media destroys relationships because people cross the line and have too much access to a person they don't know.

He will blame you. Your insecurities. Your issues. Your jealousy. But you actually just know that it's completely inappropriate and disrespectful to you. Set some boundaries and if he loves you he will change his ways. If he's not willing to cut the crap and stop communicating with another woman when it's hurting you he's not that bothered is he?*

You posted this on Friday as advice to another poster.

You need to listen to yourself

WonderfulYou · 27/03/2022 15:01

but also if you really love your girlfriend why would you even risk her ever finding that out by keeping someone around that you don't intend to see again.

Well you’ve got your answer now - he doesn’t love you. So you can stay with him knowing that or move on.

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 27/03/2022 15:32

Oh grow up, Muppet.

TheMarvelousMrsMaisel · 27/03/2022 15:40

So your logging onto his Facebook? Wtf are you 14 years old? That's not normal.

Neither have you been together for 18 months if your on and off. Very immature shit.

Dollyandflower · 27/03/2022 15:44

We got extremely close quick and fast. For 4 months we met up. Spoke. Used the love word after 3. He got me presents. But he wasn't over his last relationship and wasn't sure if he wanted one. He struggled with getting close to me and the fear of failure leading to none struggles as he fell apart loosing his ex.

I do believe for what it's worth it took him along time to build up the confidence to be with me. But i do also believe he needs validation from women and this ruined his last relationship. I don't know whether he was curious about this woman being ideal for him but didn't connect with her and decided she's nice but not someone he wants to be with.

I contacted her because when he came back to me I had asked about tinder and If he had met someone. He asked me the same and I remember saying no as my feelings for you didn't stop (100% true) I never got over him. He said same here.

When I messaged her I expected her to just say we've never met or we are old friends who've got back in touch. I never expected her to say theyd met and had sex. She slept over at his and told me she cleaned his house and due to his past with drink she'd never wsnt him in her daughters life as once an alcoholic always one. So it's hard for me to see her acting like she cares for him.

I will never understand why he won't talk to me about her. If he figures it's me then he does. It is what it is. But I was just hurting and thought how wrong it felt that she's still around. I guess seeing her pop up on his posts again scared me that she might be thinking of him again and maybe her new relationship isn't as rosy. She was shagging my boyfriend in May and engaged in September to this new man. I just don't like games and feel nothing good can come from this.

He has given me huge insecurities as I don't trust him.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/03/2022 15:55

maybe her new relationship isn't as rosy. She was shagging my boyfriend in May and engaged in September to this new man.

Maybe yours isn't rosy either because, as you say, she was shagging your boyfriend when you were on a break. The difference is, she's not lying about it.

Hiddenvoice · 27/03/2022 16:03

People move fast in some relationships. I have a friend who is engaged after only a few months but knew the person prior so you don’t really know what’s going on in their relationship.
You’ve said he’s given you insecurities. I’d spend time focussing on this, speak to him about your relationship. Talk honestly about how you’re feeling. If you want to make a go of it with him then he needs to be honest but you will as well, you will need to tell him that you check his Facebook etc. if you both decide to work on this then you need to start putting the past behind you. If you can’t move on from it then it might be best to end it before you become more insecure.

MissNothing1991 · 27/03/2022 16:15

@Dollyandflower

Its the fact he pretended I'm the only person he's had sex with since his ex and he told me about his tinder qccpunt being set up through the lads at work. I have asked him twice in random conversations whether he has met anyone from tinder. He's insisted no not at all. You are the only woman I've wanted to have sex with.

If he had told me the truth I'd have never had to feel shit. But it's like he's never respected me by thinking ill just keep w random woman I had sex with on my Facebook and respond to her comments and presume my girlfriend won't notice or ever have to know how I know her.

I never once with my ex needed to check either.

It just makes no sense they stayed on eachothers social media's and know they've had sex and I'm just there seeing her reacting to him.

Also he played me around in those early months whilst he was getting over his ex and he was recovering from alcohol abuse and a suicide attempt. He told me he loved me. We got so close and then he would cut me off when he was struggling. Come back. Express he was getting too close to me then run. He soon told this lady he didn't want a tealtionshio but offered her friends with benefits.

If he had said I had a fling when we stopped speaking and she's on my Facebook but we don't have anything between us then it would have been fine..but also if you really love your girlfriend why would you even risk her ever finding that out by keeping someone around that you don't intend to see again.

He's never respected you? You don't respect him, accessing private accounts and deleting contacts you absolute disgusting weirdo. Any wonder he doesn't respect you, you're clearly deranged. And any flaming wonder he hasn't told you about her. I've no doubt she's probably told him you contacted her to check on him like a stalker and he's hoping you'll dump him for him not mentioning her. I hope for his sake I'm right! You also say he presumes you won't notice or have to know how you know her... It's none of your God damn business who he knows and how he knows them. I wouldn't blame him for sleeping with someone else. You picked him up when he was vulnerable. He saw the light, god rid, then found someone normal. Sadly he had a lapse of common sense and got hooked back in by you and you've been playing the puppet master ever since.
NannyKrampus · 27/03/2022 16:50

If I were him and you had spied on my social media account and deleted someone, I'd dump your sorry arse and block you. If the sexes were reversed, everyone would call you out for being controlling!

NotaCoolMum · 27/03/2022 16:59

If he lied to you- leave.

What you’re doing instead is making you look batshit crazy.

cakewench · 27/03/2022 18:05

This is all unnecessarily dramatic.

She's on his FB because he wants her there. She doesn't owe you anything and I'm not sure why you're talking about her as if she's done something to you. She's not in a relationship with you, he (supposedly) is, and he's the one keeping up a relationship with her.

You don't think you're controlling but deleting someone from your bf's FB is absolutely controlling. And it's not as if it's going to work out for you; she'll be re-added as soon as he notices she's gone.

Also "scared of his feelings" is him buying time to stay single. Honestly just walk away and find someone else.

BOOTS52 · 27/03/2022 19:09

Why would you want to be with someone who lies and blocks you over and over. You need to finish with him and stay single and learn about boundaries and red flags early on in a relationship. He showed you who he was early on and the silent treatment is when you should have blocked him and moved on. How can you ever trust him again and you need to love yourself more and have higher standards than this man. Easy to say what you need to hear but his actions have said so much more and quite the opposite of his words. I would rather be alone than in this situation. Learn to love yourself first and foremost and do not put up with shitty behaviour. You cannot change him and deleting people from his facebook is not the answer at all. Please do not have children with this man or you will have a lifetime of grief and emotional abuse. Run as fast as you can. Get yourself a dog more loyal than a man.

Flowerpower23 · 27/03/2022 22:07

You’re allowed to still be friends in real life with someone you’ve slept with or had a relationship with, never mind on Facebook, regardless of if you have a new girlfriend or boyfriend! I have close male friends who I have been romantic with in the past and I now just truly value their friendship platonically. You’re being far too insecure.

RockinHorseShit · 28/03/2022 08:54

OP, if he makes you feel this insecure. Leave him & work on yourself with counselling.

It's perfectly okay to have platonic friends who you've slept with or had a relationship. My ex is my DDs godfather. DH had no problem with that at all

Lies are not okay ofc, but if you're questioning him all the time & behaving like a batshit crazy stalker, I can kind of see why he felt the need to lie

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