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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I deleted a woman from his Facebook

125 replies

Dollyandflower · 27/03/2022 08:57

My boyfriend and me met 18 months ago. We talked and got close for 4 months and to be honest neither of us was in the best place for a new relationship. We had a little row and he over reacted and deleted me march 2021. He spoke to me 2 weeks later and then when we tried to discuss why we had clashed he tensed up and went off again for 6 weeks. I went onto his Facebook spying as we sometimes do. I noticed he had added a new woman. She was hearting his pictures and I clicked her page. She lived an hour away and there was absolutely no obvious connection.

He came back to talk to me 6 weeks later. We started getting close again and then one particular day she wrote something on his status that made me decide I needed to know. I asked her nicely how she knew him as we had been off and on for a while. She told me they met on tinder and had met and had sex a few times. He had told her he didn't want a relationship though and she told me there was no love or anything. When I told her about me she called him a nob and apologised as she had no idea about me. I deleted him that night and started moving on.

8 weeks later he's had therapy and really sorted himself out. It showed. I asked him if he had met anyone over the summer. He said no but he needed some time to figure out if he wanted a relationship and he said he tried to fight the feelings for me because he's scared but I'm the only woman he's felt love and closeness for since his ex. We've been together ever since and we are building up q future. But this woman has remained on his Facebook and she's now engaged to another man. The last few weeks she's started liking the odd thing and put a comment on his status the other day. So last night when he was asleep I deleted her off his Facebook.

He's never ever told me about her and I think they are both being really shitty towards me.

OP posts:
blockbustervideo · 27/03/2022 09:22

Get off Facebook.

Grow up.

redbigbananafeet · 27/03/2022 09:26

When you say you 'told' the tinder girl about you what did you tell her? Also you say you blocked him but it 'showed' that his therapy was working. How do you know?

Useranon1 · 27/03/2022 09:27

How were you lied to?

He slept with her while the two of you weren't together. You asked him if he'd met someone and he said no - which is fair as 'met someone' means relationship which this wasn't.

redbigbananafeet · 27/03/2022 09:27

@Iamkmackered1979

You need to move on, he’s had therapy and it’s worked in 8 weeks? Pull the other one?

Lying little cheats like him do NOT magically change in 2 months. You need to aim higher, stop taking people back who treat you like shit.
Know your worth and it’s not this man. He will just cause more hurt and drama. I couldn’t be bothered with it. You want someone who really wants you and vice Versa and someone who shows it, be happy alone so any man who comes into your life is a bonus not your whole world.

When did he cheat?
Anniefrenchfry · 27/03/2022 09:29

Gosh you are really jealous and insecure. If he’s going to cheat removing her from his Facebook isn’t going to stop that. You’ve just shown him who you are.

Anniefrenchfry · 27/03/2022 09:31

I’d also add she’s going to contact him now and ask why, so all you’ve done is escalate the communication between them, now it will become personal contact rather than a few Facebook likes and he’s going to know you did it.

Ilostit · 27/03/2022 09:33

‘We’ don’t spy and you both sound about 16.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 27/03/2022 09:33

This is not how mature adults behave. It’s just not.

ShaneTwane · 27/03/2022 09:33

Are you both 14? This is so much drama for someone who you have spent more time apart from than with in your "relationship".

Avocadobacardi · 27/03/2022 09:33

I went onto his Facebook spying as we sometimes do.

We don’t

You do not have a good relationship. He didn’t cheat. You are acting like a 12 year old. I have never once questioned my partner who is Facebook friends are, I don’t know his phone code and I don’t ask him for evidence of what he’s doing when I’m not with him. This is not the basis of a good relationship

Iwonder08 · 27/03/2022 09:36

Come on girl, fo you have any dignity? You are not his guard dog!

GCAcademic · 27/03/2022 09:36

Is this how you plan to conduct this relationship from now on? Blocking women from his Facebook, phone, email, etc? Are you going to accompany him everywhere and physically stand between him and other women?

Irrespective of who is in the wrong here, if you're honest with yourself, you know there is no future in this relationship (at least not a happy one) and that therapy doesn't work within the space of eight weeks.

Hiddenvoice · 27/03/2022 09:38

Sorry little confused with your post. Did he meet her when you two were not talking? It seems like for a little while you two were not together.
When you asked him if he met anyone he probably said no as he would assume you meant someone he’s dated but sounds like him and this girl met up a couple of times but for sex.
As you said she’s engaged, she’s moved on, she was probably just scrolling through Facebook liking pictures and not thought anymore of it.
I know it’s made you worried but it probably wasn’t the best idea to delete her. They might not notice as they don’t seem to be in contact with each other but if they do it will start a few conversations with you guys about privacy and trust.
Sorry but I think you need to think about your relationship and if you trust him.
You two seem to have taken a little while to make things work between you so you need to decide if you want to make a go of this relationship which means trying to move on from the past. If you can’t move on from it then I’m not sure how your relationship will work because you’ll always doubt things.

itsjustnotok · 27/03/2022 09:39

@Dollyandflower you are not mature enough if you are secretly deleting someone off of his Facebook account.

Prettynails · 27/03/2022 09:39

Sounds like teenage behaviour

Siepie · 27/03/2022 09:41

@Dollyandflower

Jealous and controlling because I don't like being lied too?
Jealous and controlling because you logged into his Facebook without his agreement, and deleted someone from his friends list. Clearly.

If he's lying to you, you can leave. You can't start controlling him.

goldensilver · 27/03/2022 09:42

In the spirit of Ross Geller, "You were on a break!"

goldensilver · 27/03/2022 09:43

How would you feel if he had accessed your Facebook and removed one of your friends without your knowledge?

Lurking9to5 · 27/03/2022 09:44

His therapist cannot give him enough insight to see him changed in 8 short weeks.

I had therapy to deal with my mother's heartlessness, denial and defensiveness and it's a slow process. Finally after 18 months I felt I'd made some progress, so don't believe him if he claims to be a changed man after 8 weeks!

I'd just train yourself to get turned off by anybody who isn't clearly in to you and just you. Get turned off by a man saying one thing to you and his actions not supporting that.

Travis1 · 27/03/2022 09:47

8 weeks later and his ‘therapy’ cured him?! But he’s still lying to you? Nah. Get rid and move on. This is going to be nothing but drama long term

Teasgonecoldagain · 27/03/2022 09:52

Get rid. This isn't the man you are looking for

Shoxfordian · 27/03/2022 09:52

Op you sound very controlling and jealous but if you don’t trust him then break up with him- simple

Mermaidwaves · 27/03/2022 09:52

8 weeks of therapy and he's a new man? Do you really believe that? He was on and off with you because he was swinging his dick about, very common I've found.

I'm sure he will notice you've deleted her and will simply re add her, it wont stop him contacting her if he wants to. If he makes you feel like this he's not the one for you, feeling insecure is the biggest self esteem killer.

sixoclockalready · 27/03/2022 09:53

No. No. No

Move on.

balalake · 27/03/2022 10:00

End the relationship.

Incidentally I hope he does not share other passwords, such as with work colleagues.