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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I deleted a woman from his Facebook

125 replies

Dollyandflower · 27/03/2022 08:57

My boyfriend and me met 18 months ago. We talked and got close for 4 months and to be honest neither of us was in the best place for a new relationship. We had a little row and he over reacted and deleted me march 2021. He spoke to me 2 weeks later and then when we tried to discuss why we had clashed he tensed up and went off again for 6 weeks. I went onto his Facebook spying as we sometimes do. I noticed he had added a new woman. She was hearting his pictures and I clicked her page. She lived an hour away and there was absolutely no obvious connection.

He came back to talk to me 6 weeks later. We started getting close again and then one particular day she wrote something on his status that made me decide I needed to know. I asked her nicely how she knew him as we had been off and on for a while. She told me they met on tinder and had met and had sex a few times. He had told her he didn't want a relationship though and she told me there was no love or anything. When I told her about me she called him a nob and apologised as she had no idea about me. I deleted him that night and started moving on.

8 weeks later he's had therapy and really sorted himself out. It showed. I asked him if he had met anyone over the summer. He said no but he needed some time to figure out if he wanted a relationship and he said he tried to fight the feelings for me because he's scared but I'm the only woman he's felt love and closeness for since his ex. We've been together ever since and we are building up q future. But this woman has remained on his Facebook and she's now engaged to another man. The last few weeks she's started liking the odd thing and put a comment on his status the other day. So last night when he was asleep I deleted her off his Facebook.

He's never ever told me about her and I think they are both being really shitty towards me.

OP posts:
theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 27/03/2022 10:33

You need some of this magical therapy for yourself

RustyShackleford3 · 27/03/2022 10:33

This whole situation sounds ridiculous and I can guarantee that he isn't worth all this nonsense. Just dump him and move on.

Normando91 · 27/03/2022 10:33

Why would you even want to waste your time with someone who deleted you and refused to speak to you for 6 weeks over what you claim to be a little row?
Honestly OP, as a PP has said, someone who cares for you and wants to be with you won’t put you through nonsense like this. Sounds like he’s stringing you along for the sake of having someone there as and when he wants.
Bin him off and find someone who doesn’t create such pathetic drama in your life.

Kuachui · 27/03/2022 10:35

therapy doesnt stop you sleeping around after 8 weeks 😂😂😂 hes having you on.

move on

PeachesToday · 27/03/2022 10:37

People don’t change with 8 weeks of therapy

👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼

What a load of silly drama

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 27/03/2022 10:37

Your mistake OP was deleting this woman when you should have deleted him [hmm}

Bananabutter · 27/03/2022 10:38

Yes, you’re jealous and controlling. It’s not your place to control anyone else’s Facebook.

They had sex when you weren’t together; in that regard neither of them have been “shitty” to you, you just don’t like to know that and seeing her on his Facebook reminds you that he fucked someone else.

I’m not even sure he lied, to be honest. You asked him if he met anyone, as in was in a relationship. He didn’t. All he did was have a few fucks and I don’t think that’s either a) any of your business or b) something he should tell you about. He’s allowed a private life.

DamnUserName21 · 27/03/2022 10:40

The relationship in toxic. He is flaky and it's making you more insecure.
Agree with PPs. Move on.

TidyDancer · 27/03/2022 10:40

It doesn't sound like he cheated on you from the timeline you've described. Is that the case?

The previous posters who have described you as jealous and controlling are right. This isn't a relationship and you both need to run as far away from each other as possible.

I have to assume you're both young as this all sounds quite childish. Maybe some time on your own would help give you a mature perspective on everything.

springbreak22 · 27/03/2022 10:42

How do you have access to his FB?

Gotajobthrunepotism · 27/03/2022 10:50

Been with DH nearly 20 years, and never deleted any of his friend on Facebook (in fact, actually couldn’t tell you if he has friends on there that I don’t know)

knittingaddict · 27/03/2022 10:56

@Dollyandflower

That's the thing though I am mature. But he's never budged about what happened and if he had told me the truth it would never have been an issue. But hiding it from me and keeping her on his friends list when he thinks I won't ever know is just so disrespectful.
Mature in age or emotional intelligence? Not the latter, surely.

An emotionally mature person would dump, walk away and not look back.

MotherOfUnicorns4 · 27/03/2022 11:03

Any relationship where you feel the need to 'stalk' through their Facebook and watch for every like or comment just isn't worth it. Jealousy and lies do not form a good partnership.

MissNothing1991 · 27/03/2022 11:03

@Dollyandflower

Jealous and controlling because I don't like being lied too?
No, because you're just accessing his personal accounts and deleting women without permission. Who the hell do you actually think you are? You clearly need some sort of psychiatric help nevermind a relationship!
SpikyJugs · 27/03/2022 11:07

As far as I can tell - you had split up when he had a fling with this other woman. He did nothing wrong!

WonderfulYou · 27/03/2022 11:15

If true this really is a joke of a relationship.

It is very controlling to go onto someone else’s Facebook, let alone delete people.

This relationship doesn’t work.
Breaking up and getting back together constantly is never going to make it work.

FlissyPaps · 27/03/2022 11:17

You need to forget about him and move on OP Flowers

It’s easier said than done, but for your own self-esteem. Staying with this man will just wear you down. You obviously can’t trust him if you’ve accessed his Facebook and deleted someone off his friends list. That’s not normal or healthy behaviour.

It will hurt to walk away, but it will be better for you in the long run.

dworky · 27/03/2022 11:32

Unacceptable & totally futile!

orangeisthenewpuce · 27/03/2022 11:32

'he needed some time to figure out if he wanted a relationship and he said he tried to fight the feelings for me because he's scared but I'm the only woman he's felt love and closeness for since his ex'

What a load of absolute rubbish. OP get a grip. Dump (or delete as you call it) and move on to someone who doesn't spin you these lines. If he wanted to be with you he'd have been with you.

NameChangeCity123 · 27/03/2022 11:38

I can hand on heart say in 7 years, my husband has never given me any reason to check his Facebook or phone.

I don't think there's any real foundation there for your relationship to come to anything, I'd leave now and move on. It's not going to suddenly improve and if this is how you feel now, it's always going to be a niggling issue so why bother? I'd leave now before you have any real ties

Soontobe60 · 27/03/2022 11:44

@Dollyandflower

Jealous and controlling because I don't like being lied too?
No, because you’ve stalked him online and DMd a total stranger to check up on him. They are the actions of either a lovesick teenager or a controlling and jealous adult. Your relationship is going nowhere.
Anniefrenchfry · 27/03/2022 11:45

I really do think the cringe and awkwardness now is insurmountable. He will know what you’ve done and that you have acted like a jealous child, but more you’re secretly going into his social media like this, it’s so cringe. As others have said no “we” don’t do this.

As said though, they will now be in direct contact with each other. As one will message the other directly. You’ve just basically forced them to get in contact via another route and deeply embarrassed yourself.

I don’t know what possessed you, clearly something akin to a flash of monumental jealousy that left you not thinking straight. But you really did take something totally irrelevant and made it a big deal.

She’s going to know how utterly uncontrollably jealous you are when she finds out you did this, and she will find out, and even if he stays with you he’s going to be giving you the side eye for ever more and needs to lock down everything so you don’t have access. There’s jist no way they won’t both know.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 27/03/2022 11:57

@Dollyandflower, please don't waste any more time on blokes like him. There are millions of men to choose from, so value yourself higher, stop flogging a dead horse of this crap on/off "relationship" and find someone more suitable. Healthy relationships are easy, with no drama. I really wish I'd been less tolerant and understanding of some of the losers I dated!

Walkingalot · 27/03/2022 12:10

The way I read it, he had a casual fling with her when you weren't together. She's been honest with you. She's now engaged. Commenting on FB posts is quite harmless.
I think you need to come clean about contacting her behind his back and deleting her. He also needs to take some responsibility for making you feel you had to do that, as he's not been honest either.
Whether you think he's trustworthy and has changed depends on how he behaves now and going forward.

Dollyandflower · 27/03/2022 14:10

Its the fact he pretended I'm the only person he's had sex with since his ex and he told me about his tinder qccpunt being set up through the lads at work. I have asked him twice in random conversations whether he has met anyone from tinder. He's insisted no not at all. You are the only woman I've wanted to have sex with.

If he had told me the truth I'd have never had to feel shit. But it's like he's never respected me by thinking ill just keep w random woman I had sex with on my Facebook and respond to her comments and presume my girlfriend won't notice or ever have to know how I know her.

I never once with my ex needed to check either.

It just makes no sense they stayed on eachothers social media's and know they've had sex and I'm just there seeing her reacting to him.

Also he played me around in those early months whilst he was getting over his ex and he was recovering from alcohol abuse and a suicide attempt. He told me he loved me. We got so close and then he would cut me off when he was struggling. Come back. Express he was getting too close to me then run. He soon told this lady he didn't want a tealtionshio but offered her friends with benefits.

If he had said I had a fling when we stopped speaking and she's on my Facebook but we don't have anything between us then it would have been fine..but also if you really love your girlfriend why would you even risk her ever finding that out by keeping someone around that you don't intend to see again.

OP posts: