Anyone dealt with pervy husband

[Loveisallweneed]

Husbands always been a bit of a perv but not more than exes so I just figured it was not a massive issue at the time , we’ve been married 20 plus years and are in our 50s .
Last few years Ive noticed he seems worse , staring slyly at women 20-30 mostly . He will look then look back at them back again when he think no one’s looking : I’m sure he thinks he’s being discreet . He’ll always make sure he’s wearing dark glasses if we are anywhere like pools etc but of course the head is always turning . When the glasses are off it’s the look he used to give me many many years ago , that look of desire … I’m sure many women here know it
I’ve raised the issue before and told him it feel disrespectful but he gets extremely defensive and denies doing it
He barely noticed me which only compounds the issue and in pretty certain he had very little attraction to me if any . I often think meeting someone new who actually was interested in me instead of every random younger woman or even going it alone would be a happier life
For anyone who is keen to say it’s people watching , I can assure you he does not ‘people watch other men , older women etc …
I’m finding it really pushing me away lately to the point I simply don’t enjoy going places with him because of it . Has anyone else dealt with this and how

Not dealt with that & I don't think I would feel comfortable going out in public with someone like that. It's disrespectful to the other women and not nice for you.

Urgh, how sexist.

And he’s also inattentive towards you.

Would reflect on whether you want your future to be like your present. You have other options.

Biologically he may be at the stage where hormones surge as a “last ditch” attempt to procreate. Could just be a phase that will pass. I guess if he’s not actually enacting on these desires then seems a bit harsh to judge him and blame him for feelings he cannot help. But I can understand how frustrating it must be for you to watch, would make me feel annoyed too. Maybe you could start doing the same to young men and see what his reaction is? Maybe it will sink in a bit more for him.

What would he do if you called him out on it every single time? Especially if you added in an "ewww, she's young enough to be your granddaughter/daughter!". Loudly.
Ultimately though, even if you manage to stop the leaching, his view of women being objects aren't going to change. I work in a very male-dominated and Neandethal-ish industry, and used to have to sit in a break room whilst a bunch of leacherous blokes would fawn over page 3. I used to point out the above (plus add in they were 'barely legal', so it was all a bit borderline paedo). I got a lot of anger and indignation thrown my way. They eventually stopped the chat, but the topless posters in the workshops remained as did, clearly, their views. My own dad was a bit like this too - it gave me The Ick and I judge him for it. Nothing more grim than seeing your dad leach over women your own age or younger (and he wasn't a young dad, so we're talking women a lot younger than him). Your DH's attitude to women would be a deal breaker for me very early on the relationship, so thankfully it is not something I've had to put up with in my own partner.

WTF sunshinepie!

I would tell him that seeing him staring at girls like a dirty old letch is a real turn off. I would find that hugely unattractive.

@SunshinePie

Biologically he may be at the stage where hormones surge as a “last ditch” attempt to procreate. Could just be a phase that will pass. I guess if he’s not actually enacting on these desires then seems a bit harsh to judge him and blame him for feelings he cannot help. But I can understand how frustrating it must be for you to watch, would make me feel annoyed too. Maybe you could start doing the same to young men and see what his reaction is? Maybe it will sink in a bit more for him.

Wtf

@SkankingMopoke

What would he do if you called him out on it every single time? Especially if you added in an "ewww, she's young enough to be your granddaughter/daughter!". Loudly. Ultimately though, even if you manage to stop the leaching, his view of women being objects aren't going to change. I work in a very male-dominated and Neandethal-ish industry, and used to have to sit in a break room whilst a bunch of leacherous blokes would fawn over page 3. I used to point out the above (plus add in they were 'barely legal', so it was all a bit borderline paedo). I got a lot of anger and indignation thrown my way. They eventually stopped the chat, but the topless posters in the workshops remained as did, clearly, their views. My own dad was a bit like this too - it gave me The Ick and I judge him for it. Nothing more grim than seeing your dad leach over women your own age or younger (and he wasn't a young dad, so we're talking women a lot younger than him). Your DH's attitude to women would be a deal breaker for me very early on the relationship, so thankfully it is not something I've had to put up with in my own partner.

Back in the 80s some men at my work put a girlie calendar up in the office, I asked them nicely to take it down, explaining why. They taunted me. I put up a fully naked male calendar (it was grim but necessary) . They got all huffy, it got vandalised. They complained to my boss. I grinned. Both calendars came down. Such fun.

Agree with other OP, call him out on it, every time. It's grim.

My ex FIL was like this - was creepy

Men like your husband are creeps.

It must be awful to be married to one.

Ditch him and don't look back if that is what you want.

No, my husband is mid fifties and he doesn’t do this and neither do any of our male friends, I have met creeps who do it though. And always felt pity for their wives. He will do worse when you’re not about.

It’s so creepy
Just because all your exes were like it; doesn’t make it ok either. Call him on it everytime - I expect this isn’t the only way he acts like a sexist?

Biologically he may be at the stage where hormones surge as a “last ditch” attempt to procreate. Could just be a phase that will pass

Men don’t have this though - there is no cut off for procreation for men in the same way there is for women.

All men do this. Some are just more discreet than others, that’s all.

My exH was a creepy perv. He used to say inappropriate things about very young women. He once commented on what great legs his friend's 14 year old daughter had. He was grim.

rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-sexual-harassment/

Tell him it’s against the law as per the link above:

Sexual harassment includes a really wide range of behaviours, such as:
• Sexual comments or noises – for example, catcalling or wolf-whistling.
• Sexual gestures.
• Leering, staring or suggestive looks. This can include looking someone up and down.
• Sexual ‘jokes’.
• Sexual innuendos or suggestive comments.
• Unwanted sexual advances or flirting.
• Sexual requests or asking for sexual favours.
• Sending emails or texts with sexual content – for example, unwanted ‘sexts’ or ‘dick pics’.
• Sexual posts or contact on social media.
• Intrusive questions about a person’s private or sex life.
• Someone discussing their own sex life.
• Commenting on someone's body, appearance or what they’re wearing.
• Spreading sexual rumours.
• Standing close to someone.
• Displaying images of a sexual nature.
• Unwanted physical contact of a sexual nature – for example, brushing up against someone or hugging, kissing or massaging them.
• Stalking.
• Indecent exposure.
• Taking a photo or video under another person's clothing – what is known as 'upskirting'.
Sexual harassment is a form of unlawful discrimination under the Equality Act 2010.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/uk.news.yahoo.com/amphtml/sexual-harassment-campaign-night-tube-staring-sexually-151556727.html

Transport for London are running a campaign warning against this illegal behaviour in the tube - you might want to point this when he undoubtedly gaslights and minimises you with - it’s harmless, your imagining it etc

All men don't do it.
Many men and women notice attractive people, of course. The difference is that most people don't letch / drool / make it obvious. And they don't ignore their OH at the same time.
He is being disrespectful and thoughtless towards you, and he's being pervy and weird towards them.
We all know how vile it is when a strange man does that to you. And if he's doing it to much younger women those women (and anyone who notice) will just be thinking that old man is a perve.
I feel for you, and I feel for his 'victims'.

@SunshinePie

Biologically he may be at the stage where hormones surge as a “last ditch” attempt to procreate. Could just be a phase that will pass. I guess if he’s not actually enacting on these desires then seems a bit harsh to judge him and blame him for feelings he cannot help. But I can understand how frustrating it must be for you to watch, would make me feel annoyed too. Maybe you could start doing the same to young men and see what his reaction is? Maybe it will sink in a bit more for him.

@SunshinePie Could you link to any studies that show this is a fact and not an opinion please?

I'm sceptical, but I do wonder if men in their 50s & 60s start behaving more like this because of something psychological, not hormonal.

@Neverendingdust

All men do this. Some are just more discreet than others, that’s all.

@Neverendingdust They really don't. They might appreciate a fine looking woman, discreetly, but some men are particularly lecherous. They see women mainly through a sexual lens. I've encountered these types before - it's almost as if they have a mist in front of their eyes or they're in some sort of light trance when they're around young women in particular. If you are of no sexual interest to them, as a woman, you might as well be a rock. You are of zero interest.

Must be difficult for you! If my husband did that, I would feel awful.

Every man is different, but I imagine that - realistically - it's a thing many men, if they're managing to restrain themselves from eyeing girls up, might want to do. What's perhaps worse is what might be going through their minds while they're looking...

One consolation is that at least he's not acting on his desires...

Perhaps you can have a calm and collected sit-down chat with him, and just tell him how it makes you feel when he does it. Tell him about the 'look of desire' on his face, and how upsetting it is for you - that look should only be for you. (He might not even be aware of the expressions on his face; since Zoom meetings, I'm amazed to see what my face is doing without me realising it! My resting/thinking face makes me look like a dead fish...)

Wishing you all the best with dealing with it!

Urgh. I could not be with a man like that.

Forget that he's not paying you attention, he's sees women as meat for his pleasure, why would you want such a sad misogynistic arse 🤢

I experienced that a lot as a teen/young woman, it was deeply intimidating and made me incredibly uncomfortable around older men generally. I have purposely sought out female dominated work places my entire life as a result.

Viewing young women essentially as prey is noticeable not only to them but everyone around them, including yourself obviously. The fact that he is on a leash doesn't really make it any better, the targets of his attention don't know that (although they will be hoping).

You will also find some damaged and vulnerable young women looking for father figures (due to whatever abuse their fathers put them through), who will respond positively to this type of attention.

That he no longer pays you any of this attention would be enough for me to start looking for an exit. Life is too short not to be respected and valued by your partner.

No my husband in fifties has never done it or made comments either! I’m so glad I wouldn’t put up with it, disrespectful to the ladies hes ogling and awful for you too

Also v sad to say that IME men who behaved in that entitled predatory way were up to other shit given any opportunity.