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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone dealt with pervy husband

66 replies

Loveisallweneed · 27/03/2022 07:30

Husbands always been a bit of a perv but not more than exes so I just figured it was not a massive issue at the time , we’ve been married 20 plus years and are in our 50s .
Last few years Ive noticed he seems worse , staring slyly at women 20-30 mostly . He will look then look back at them back again when he think no one’s looking : I’m sure he thinks he’s being discreet . He’ll always make sure he’s wearing dark glasses if we are anywhere like pools etc but of course the head is always turning . When the glasses are off it’s the look he used to give me many many years ago , that look of desire … I’m sure many women here know it
I’ve raised the issue before and told him it feel disrespectful but he gets extremely defensive and denies doing it
He barely noticed me which only compounds the issue and in pretty certain he had very little attraction to me if any . I often think meeting someone new who actually was interested in me instead of every random younger woman or even going it alone would be a happier life
For anyone who is keen to say it’s people watching , I can assure you he does not ‘people watch other men , older women etc …
I’m finding it really pushing me away lately to the point I simply don’t enjoy going places with him because of it . Has anyone else dealt with this and how

OP posts:
RockinHorseShit · 27/03/2022 12:48

Ditto my DH too @CambsAlways & he takes the piss out of any of his same age (50s+) friends who do this shit to their faces with things like " you sad old git"

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 27/03/2022 12:50

Oh goodness I wouldn't waste all this time and energy on calling him out every time/ revenge perving / or telling him its illegal
The heart of the matter is that you feel he's no longer attracted to you and he's inattentive
You have already been thinking about ending the relationship ( meeting someone new or going it alone)
Life is too short , let him become a dirty old man alone , you deserve some happiness

Sicario · 27/03/2022 12:50

Useful phrases for calling it out...

"What the fuck are you staring at you pervert?"

"Are you aware that you are the actual definition of a creepy pervy old man?"

"Do you realise how disgustingly sexist your behaviour is?"

"I never thought I would find myself married to a lecherous pervert who behaves like a disgusting sex pest."

"Your behaviour makes me feel sick inside."

"I don't want to be married to a dirty old man who pervs after young girls."

"Did you realise that no fault divorce is a thing now? It's great! It means I can divorce you for being a disgusting pervert and it will be really simple."

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/03/2022 12:53

Yes my ex. Which is why he's my ex. I won't stand for that.

StormyWindow · 27/03/2022 13:58

Nope, I couldn't stay with a man like this, mostly because it would give me the ick so badly I couldn't bear to be around them. Sorry OP Flowers

JessieLongleg · 27/03/2022 14:02

I've dealt with the stares are myself. Naturally big boobs I really though most women with husbands like this ignored it or through they where ok as with him for security and that's is all that matters

juicejuicesteak · 27/03/2022 17:01

Yes, my ex FIL was/ is like this, my STBXH turned into his dad. This isn't an issue of hormones, if anyones hormones are a factor, it'll be yours, post procreation stage, de scaling your eyes so you can really see him.

This is a piss poor, creepy old man behaviour, and either he gets a grip off his todger, or he loses his wife. That would be the very clear message from me.

He is making a fool of both of you.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/03/2022 18:14

God, just leave him.

Then he can get removed by security for letching over young women without the excuse of being there with his wife to try and gaslight everybody into not punching his lights out acting upon his predatory behaviour.

NowEvenBetter · 27/03/2022 19:18

you seem to have somewhat deemed it ‘normal’ to be a sexual predator because you picked one to marry and your exes were the same. It is not. There’s no justification for it. No reason to not divorce the disgusting man.

Dogknowsbest · 27/03/2022 19:28

Although men don't lose their ability to procreate, the quality of sperm decreases with age and men who have children later in life are more likely to have children with learning needs and depression.

On another note, him looking at young women are really gross and a sign he disrespects women generally. Personally, I'd threaten him with a bucket of water over the head if he can't control himself and follow through with it.

Ionlydomassiveones · 27/03/2022 19:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

sophienelisse · 27/03/2022 19:42

My DH doesn't do it. If he does I've never seen him. It's just not how he is. He's not perfect by any means but he is too respectful of me and his family life and just how he is as a person to do this.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 27/03/2022 19:44

Why on earth did you get together with him in the first place?!! He sounds disgusting.

Sunshineydaaayy · 27/03/2022 19:51

Years ago I used to go out wirh a man who was fifteen years or so older than me who had had a little bit of fame in the 80s as a pop star. The point is, he was already pushing 45 and I was around the 30 year old mark but wherever we went he would check out girls between the ages of 15 and 19. You can feel when the man you are with is doing this and it gives you an icky feeling inside. We were never going to make it but the ogling young girls really didn't help and I swore I would never put up wirh it from any subsequent partners.

olympicsrock · 27/03/2022 20:07

This is revolting behaviour. Call him out on it or leave him. It will only get worse. The young girls will hate it and feel perved on.

NowEvenBetter · 27/03/2022 21:54

@SunshinePie did you not bother to read the first words of the OP? The man has always been a perverted, his wife says. Trying to justify sexual predators is mind blowingly low.

Fourfloor · 27/03/2022 22:06

When they get to their late 50s and beyond and start to age, start to look like a bit like grandads, it is really jarring when they continue to look at younger women.
I've wondered before if they actually do get worse, or whether they were always like it, it's just that it's more noticeably obnoxious when an ageing husband eyes up someone young enough to be his grand-daughter.
Shame him. Every. Single. Time.
Go for the jugular until he stops this behaviour. Point out he looks like a dirty old perv. Point out that unless that 20 year old is a prostitute, she's not going to be remotely interested in shagging a grandad. Focus on the fact that he no longer has youth, and all that entails in the bedroom department.

Original poster
Loveisallweneed · 28/03/2022 07:53

Thanks everyone for your input . It is revolting and gives me the ick Which in turn lowers my desire . I’m sure he’d say this is part of the reason he does it though so it’s a cycle

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 28/03/2022 08:47

Whatever the situation within your relationship, that is not a factor in him objectifying and behaving inappropriately towards women.

knittingaddict · 28/03/2022 08:53

@SunshinePie

Biologically he may be at the stage where hormones surge as a “last ditch” attempt to procreate. Could just be a phase that will pass. I guess if he’s not actually enacting on these desires then seems a bit harsh to judge him and blame him for feelings he cannot help. But I can understand how frustrating it must be for you to watch, would make me feel annoyed too. Maybe you could start doing the same to young men and see what his reaction is? Maybe it will sink in a bit more for him.
Hmm, don't think that's actually a thing, but nice try at excusing inexcusable behaviour.

I knew a man like this. His wife left him. There were other much worse things happening too, but the pervy stuff is so disrespectful and that's reason enough to have a rethink about your relationship.

knittingaddict · 28/03/2022 08:59

@Neverendingdust

All men do this. Some are just more discreet than others, that’s all.
There is always one. Every fucking time.

Porn? All men watch porn.

Perving over young women? All men do this.

No they don't.

SpringLobelia · 28/03/2022 09:06

Sorry OP but that is pretty gross. I can also guarantee that people are laughing about your DH behind his back and talking about what a perv he is. I have known 3 men like this- they had long suffering wives and people were really not at all complimentary about the husbands. He's a letch and a joke and you deserve better. Men like this are usually arrogant and utterly pathetic.

SpringLobelia · 28/03/2022 09:07

And yes call him out on it. He's not going to like it though and will probably blame you for his behaviour. Men like this always do.

BlingLoving · 28/03/2022 09:13

Oh yuck. I can't help thinking that if this is how he behaves in front of you, how is he behaving when you're not around? How many much younger women has he ogled inappropriately (or even said things to?) and made feel extraordinarily uncomfortable?

I hate to say it but I can see this being the tip of the iceberg.

MsTSwift · 28/03/2022 09:35

My 12 year old got off a metro train in tears because of a man like your husband