DH on Tinder. WWYD?

[Daisyqueen1]

Cutting a long story short, DH on Tinder, secretive with phone for months and finally got hold of his phone and saw the app, messages going back to December. Made the mistake of telling him we need to talk when he was at work. And yes he'd deleted everything.
Denied everything, for weeks, even though I said I'd seen it on his phone. Now admitted to being on there but needed attention and he's been bored and needed female attention but it was nothing more than that.
I don't know how i trust him again, even if it was all online flirting like he said. Married for 15 years just gone and admittedly things have been a bit boring, I have fibromyalgia but can't believe he'd do that. It feels like he's cheated, even if there's no physical cheating, that I know of anyway.
I just feel ugly and unwanted that I'm not giving him what he needs :(
He says he loves me and he's sorry but it all feels so seedy.

He still continued to lie to you even after you saw his phone? I think this would be hard to forgive, the continued lying and minimising even after the cat's out the bag. He doesn't sound like much of a partner.

I've been there, I stayed, I'm on edge all the time, I don't trust him at all and my self confidence won't ever recover with the knowledge that he's quite happy to "talk" to other women online because he's not getting enough "attention". It doesn't get better.

What would I do, honestly? I'd end the relationship. You deserve better. Do you have support to make this easier?

I would end it. He lied, repeastedly, and continued lying when you knew the truth. He has likely cheated. He's certainly thought about / planned it / wanted to, even if he hasn't. You know you can't trust him.

You're right, it's seedy. And you deserve better.

I don't think I can trust him again no :( maybe given time I could trust him but I think in reality he will do it again and just hide it better.
I don't have much support, and being ill makes it more complicated. I don't want to be alone but I also don't want to be worrying all the time that he's getting his kicks with other women :(
He seems sorry but maybe sorry because he's been caught. Looking back so many nights he'd stay up saying he wasn't tired and I was blind to it all, I feel sick thinking about it.
I rely on him a lot taking me to apointments etc so leaving would be difficult. I just hate being lied to and feeling I'm not good enough

Op would he leave if you asked him to? And is there any local charity or group that would help with transport to your medical appointments? Our local hospital has one. Needing him to ferry you about seems a poor reason to stay in a relationship thats making you unhappy. Maybe look into what benefits you would be entitled to as well.

You need to find your anger. You're coming across as so passive and not wanting to rock the boat, in your posts.

I can get hospital transport yes. It's not just that, I have been happy with him but obviously he's not been happy, I just hate being lied to and don't know if I can trust him again :(
He said he's not had an affair but I don't know if I believe him. Hed only admitted this because I caught him.

"I don't know how i trust him again"
Quite simply, you don't. And I think you'd be a little foolish if you did.

I think you're kidding yourself about what he's been up to. Remember, he denied everything. I'd put money on there being more than what he has admitted.

Who cares about whether he cheated - he lied and gaslighted you

Leave the utter fucking arsehole

Well don't worry about it. You know what you saw. That's enough.

You don't need to prove to a judge that have the right to divorce him.

You know that he's on or was on tinder. That's enough. YOUR CERTAIN KNOWLEDGE is enough. Stand in your own corner and believe your own interpretation of events.. xx

@Daisyqueen1

I don't think I can trust him again no :( maybe given time I could trust him but I think in reality he will do it again and just hide it better. I don't have much support, and being ill makes it more complicated. I don't want to be alone but I also don't want to be worrying all the time that he's getting his kicks with other women :( He seems sorry but maybe sorry because he's been caught. Looking back so many nights he'd stay up saying he wasn't tired and I was blind to it all, I feel sick thinking about it. I rely on him a lot taking me to apointments etc so leaving would be difficult. I just hate being lied to and feeling I'm not good enough

Obviously you cannot trust him.

Who cares if he's sorry. Sorry he was rumbled obviously.

One good way to get rid of the not good enough feeling is to act on your own boundary. A husband on tinder is not for you. Right.

Darling it feels like he's cheated, well, because he has. Even if it is absolurely true (which is may or may not be) that he hasn't physically met another woman, by being on tinder he has cheated on you. Don't dismiss your feelings. They are valid and you should trust them.

I wouldn't stick around coz 9 out of 10 it will happen again you are worth more than lies what next first lies then the doing sneeking around with a phone next sneeking around with woman no thanks been There and its not worth it

He lied . So the trust will be gone
It will be in your mind for ages. And everytime he has his phone youll wonder what he is doing unfortunately.

If he didn't cheat I would stay with him. But he would have to earn the trust back.
But you should have read the messages :(
If probably did something to get even tbh. But I can be petty like that. Hahaha
Ive never been in your position though
Its a tough one.
It depends what the tone of the conversations were. Because tinder is a notoriously known as a 'looking to get laid' app. I couldn't go back with my dh if he had been sexting or things like that

I would get to the bottom of it. Sorry this happened to you

I think given his behaviour you have to assume he has been sleeping with other women. So sorry. Now you need to decide if you wish to walk away or access therapy as a couple to try and understand how things got to this point and if you can rediscover what you had previously.

Once you've gone through divorce, you see unhealthy behaviour so much more easily & are way less lightly to put up with it ever again. I'd leave him & concentrate on rebuilding my life.

Leaving him will be hard.

Staying with a man who cheats, gaslights and makes you feel like shit will be hard.

Choose your hard x

You will never trust him again, he was looking, actively searching to cheat, it's not just something that happened accidentally. What happens next time he's bored or wants female attention, can you guarantee to fulfil all of his selfish needs? From my experience once they've cheated they will continue to do so until eventually you kick them out. Do it now and save yourself a few more years of hurt and mistrust.

I’ve been there. I stayed. I wish I hadn’t. The feeling of betrayal never left me and we finally split up six years after I first found him on Plenty of Fish. I really resent those ‘lost’ six years. I could have been so much happier so much sooner.

Put, 'what he needs' is a swift kick to the tadger and a financially crippiling divorce.

Out the door with the scummy, cheating gaslighter.

I'm so sorry op. I've been there. Was married 20 yrs and it started off with messaging women on gumtree in the old days and then it was fab swingers and Craigslist. I'd find some evidence every once in a while and go ballistic but I never left or kicked him out. It just gotta worse though. He became better at hiding it. He got a job where he travelled a lot for work with hotel stays etc and I found loads and loads of messages via Craigslist trying to hook up for nsa sex. I still have those emails. 3 yrs ago I found 3 secret email accounts with those messages. I could go on and on but I stayed. Fast forward to 2 months ago he started an affair with a woman at a work site 100 miles away and fell for her. She knew he was married- but he was oh so unhappy apparently- poor man. He left me and our 2 now teenagers and moved in with her. He clearly hates me and has blamed everything on me and his family have all sided with him and welcomed ow with open arms. I'm just goes and needless to say wish I'd kicked the lying cheating pervert out 13 yrs ago. Please. He won't change. He'll continue to gaslight you and become better at hiding it. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better xx

Sorry to hear this OP.

Highly likely that if the opportunity arose, he would have physically cheated. You dont join tinder just to chat.

100% preparing to cheat.
Sometimes I think I fancy a takeaway. I will go online, look up what is available. Mostly I end up not bothering. Conversely I have never looked up buying a horse or a rocket. Absolutely no interest.
The trust has gone and you will never look at him the same way again. And the whiny ' sorry but...' that would piss me off so much.
Maybe insist on either marriage counselling or divorce. This is not cup left on floor annoying. This is tear your life apart stuff.

Thanks for all the replies and advice. It helps knowing others have been through the same situation. He says he's sorry and he wouldn't have done anything, and I'm supposed to believe that. He's unhappy etc it's all about him.
What makes it worse is the effort taken to set up a profile and hide it from me, it's not a spur of moment thing, it's deceitful and sly, and I don't know if I can trust him again.
I think if I hadn't of found out he'd still be on there, so the I'm sorry is sorry he got caught. He wasn't thinking of me when he was fooling around online :(
Oh and blaming his unhappiness on my condition and I'm no fun anymore, which really feels like a knife in my heart when he said that. I said if you're that unhappy why not leave? Why mess me around, and his reply was just it was just for attention and he wouldn't act on it. He would say that though wouldn't he? Regardless it feels like a betrayal, and now he's acting like everything's okay again because he's told me everything there is to know. I said no it's not okay, god!