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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH on Tinder. WWYD?

61 replies

Daisyqueen1 · 26/03/2022 14:11

Cutting a long story short, DH on Tinder, secretive with phone for months and finally got hold of his phone and saw the app, messages going back to December. Made the mistake of telling him we need to talk when he was at work. And yes he'd deleted everything.
Denied everything, for weeks, even though I said I'd seen it on his phone. Now admitted to being on there but needed attention and he's been bored and needed female attention but it was nothing more than that.
I don't know how i trust him again, even if it was all online flirting like he said. Married for 15 years just gone and admittedly things have been a bit boring, I have fibromyalgia but can't believe he'd do that. It feels like he's cheated, even if there's no physical cheating, that I know of anyway.
I just feel ugly and unwanted that I'm not giving him what he needs :(
He says he loves me and he's sorry but it all feels so seedy.

OP posts:

Onthetoadagain · 27/03/2022 04:42

So sorry you're unwell and now this

I know it's easy said but I wouldn't trust him to either not go back online, or to have done more but only admit what he could no longer realistically deny. He's admitted what he wants and what he sees the problem as (he's bored and wants, not just more going on, but specifically female attention). Not sure I could come back from knowing this, personally.

Marineboy67 · 27/03/2022 05:39

Really sorry your having to go through this, hard to see a way back. As you've said he only appears sorry because he's been caught. You'll never know the true extent of his actions either. One lie leads to another and the fact its been going on a while as well. He may well of hooked up with someone despite what he tells you. Time to reevaluate your future I'd suggest.

ThuMuClu · 27/03/2022 07:43

I would end the relationship. You only have to get over that once, if you stay you will have to deal with his betrayal and your feelings of hurt every day.

jo55ie · 27/03/2022 07:55

What made you check and look at his phone? Deep down somewhere you knew something was up (sadly).
The question is ... what do you want from your life now? What type of life do you want. You're living with fibromyalgia and making lots of adjustments.
It's your life too, what does the little girl inside need.
He's thinking about his wants and needs, sounds like it's time to think about what you want.
Personally I'd be making plans to leave as I cannot live with lies and deceit in a relationship.

Original poster

Daisyqueen1 · 28/03/2022 00:11

Thanks again for the helpful replies. I checked his phone because he was being so secretive and acting out of character ie nervous if I'd lean over and he was on his phone, holding it away. Staying up late when I'd gone to bed.
He's made me feel it's my fault due to getting diagnosed and I've changed, he needs excitement apparently. And now he's acting as though everything is fine because he's admitted it and we should move on, why am I over thinking it, nothing happened is what he said. He keeps saying he wouldn't cheat.
I just feel the trust has gone. He's made me feel like a fool. And little things like he's been buying lots of new clothes lately, my suspicion is he's looking for someone else but doesn't want to end until he finds someone, but he'll just deny that :(
I can't stand being lied to, and feel so ill just thinking about it and what he's been saying to these other women behind my back.

OP posts:

supercali77 · 28/03/2022 06:52

Your instincts are right, he's sorry he got caught, he will only have told you what he absolutely had to so there's probably more, and he will probably do it again. The question is what are you going to do about it?

You say you rely on his help for things but being realistic- how much? In a pinch can you sort it / arrange alternatives? Carrying on a trustless marriage because of a few practical requirements is not a great solution

LaraDeSalle · 28/03/2022 07:31

He’s already left the relationship in his mind.

It’s sad after a long tome together but better to call it quits as he is clearly very unhappy and resorted to cheating, deceiving and lying to you in order to gratify his needs.

The rot has set in and he will only feel more trapped and wanting to get away or do stuff on the sly.

End it now whilst you are both amicable.

Walkingalot · 28/03/2022 08:28

Up until you said he was buying lots of new clothes I thought he was just looking for an ego boost elsewhere. Still wrong, but the clothes would indicate that he has or was considering meeting women.
You wont be able to trust him again, will always be wondering what he's up to. He'll become better at hiding stuff/lying.
Maybe it's time to get your ducks in a row.

Notanotherchange · 28/03/2022 11:10

leave him. been there done that. he has lied and gas lighted you. you deserve better..

amusedbush · 28/03/2022 12:01

My friend found out that her husband had done the same thing the night before their wedding. She went ahead and married him anyway, and he did it again a couple of years later.

I think someone who would do that once, would just keep doing it. They clearly have a dodgy moral compass or a lack of self-control, so why would they stop? Personally, I would never trust him again so it would be dead in the water.

scoobydoo1971 · 28/03/2022 12:16

I have some very serious medical conditions. Nearly died in 2020 due to accident, followed by four major surgeries. Left with life-changing disability from this. Also have Ehlers Danlos syndrome and various other rare conditions on top. Bottom line, friend and family have rallied around. No one has said my disability is a problem or makes me less exciting. Being unwell can erode your self esteem, so get therapy if you feel the need to adjust to the new you. I would advise to get rid of any toxic person out of your life, him included. This will make you feel better and manage your condition better. Passive aggressive cheating nonsense will make you feel more ill.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/03/2022 16:27

@Daisyqueen1

Thanks again for the helpful replies. I checked his phone because he was being so secretive and acting out of character ie nervous if I'd lean over and he was on his phone, holding it away. Staying up late when I'd gone to bed. He's made me feel it's my fault due to getting diagnosed and I've changed, he needs excitement apparently. And now he's acting as though everything is fine because he's admitted it and we should move on, why am I over thinking it, nothing happened is what he said. He keeps saying he wouldn't cheat. I just feel the trust has gone. He's made me feel like a fool. And little things like he's been buying lots of new clothes lately, my suspicion is he's looking for someone else but doesn't want to end until he finds someone, but he'll just deny that :( I can't stand being lied to, and feel so ill just thinking about it and what he's been saying to these other women behind my back.

"And now he's acting as though everything is fine because he's admitted it and we should move on, why am I over thinking it, nothing happened is what he said. He keeps saying he wouldn't cheat." To which I would respond 'Doesn't matter if you would or wouldn't cheat. Your behaviour has put me right off you and I want you to leave'. Because right now, he thinks he's in control of your relationship, that you have no say in the matter, and that he can do anything he wants. I really think you have to disabuse him of that notion. He needs to be made aware that you absolutely will not do the Pick Me Dance. It doesn't even really matter if he leaves or not. All that matters is that you assert that you will not put up with this shit.

"my suspicion is he's looking for someone else but doesn't want to end until he finds someone, but he'll just deny that "
All the more reason to scare the shit out of him by asking him to leave. Let him contemplate life in a bedsit.

Original poster

Daisyqueen1 · 29/03/2022 02:07

Thank you all again for the replies, it helps put things clearer in my mind.
You're right it does feel like he's calling the shots, and I doubt he's told me everything. I've made it clear it's not ok despite his claims it was all innocent.
Yes I think I feel trapped in so much as since I've got more ill I rely on him to drive me around, shopping, all sorts, and no family near by sadly. And I understand I'm not as fun as I was because I'm in pain a lot, but it makes me feel worse knowing he feels that way about me :(
My guy says he was definitely planning to act on things, if he hasn't already, with the sudden clothes shopping when he's never been bothered before. But hes adamant he wouldn't act on it. Can't prove him of course but I think he would and that was the plan.
My self esteem is so low now, because of what he's done, and what he's said about me like it's my fault he was on those sites.
On some level I want to try and move past it but I know I'll always be worrying and I don't think I can trust him again. I think from the comments it sounds like people like that don't stop they continue to cheat and I think he will.
Do the women on these sites not care if a guy is married, or would he be telling them he's available and lying to them too? It all seems like a bad nightmare, it's so seedy.

OP posts:

Weatherwax13 · 29/03/2022 02:36

Yes, it is seedy. Being unwell is not your bloody fault. It certainly isn't a justifiable reason for your husband being a scumbag.
IME you won't get over something like this. And why the hell should you? You don't deserve this horrible treatment.

Crikeyalmighty · 29/03/2022 11:25

It doesn't matter if he was going to do anything or not— one thing is that he can’t prove he hasn’t and secondly he clearlywas interested enough to create a profile etc — the fact is he isn’t trustworthy and now you will be constantly feeling anxious and on your guard. If he cared that much he shouldn’t have done it

Moonface123 · 29/03/2022 13:09

This is why l no longer bother with OLD, l am single but lost count of the times a man has admitted he's married, they use same script,. " We' re more like brother and siter, we live seperate lives, we can' t afford to seperate" etc. Some are so entitled they say stuff like "If she was to find out she'd stop doing my washing for a couple of weeks"
You cant trust him OP, if you hadn't of caught him out he' d still be chancing his luck and keep an eye out as some men also have a secret phone.
I would much rather be on my own than stuck with a lying cheater, peace of mind is priceless.

Pinkbonbon · 29/03/2022 13:38

The thing is op, he is now gaslighting you which to me is worse than being a cheating scumball. He is trying to make you believe that you are unfair to be mad about his behaviour and overreacting and that you should just let it go. Five minutes after catching him with a tinder profile! Who does this?! A headfucking, manipulative arsehole that's who.

Why on earth are you talking about sleeping this under the carpet? About getting over it? Why is the onus on you to do that? He has literally done everything he could wrong in this situation and yet it's as if you're the one that is being punished and told you are the bad guy for not forgiving him. That's not normal.

At every turn he has showed himself to be cold, unfeeling, fake and selfish. And he would rather convince you...break you...make you feel like you are the bad guy... this not something someone who loves you does. Its something someone who resents you and views you with contempt does. And you shouldn't stay anywhere near someone like that. He just a nice person op. Nor is he safe to be around. He will break your spirit. Heck, he has already started. Don't be fooled and gaigjted anymore by this liar.

You have the right to feel hurt and betrayed. Because he hurt and betrayed you and is still betraying you by trying to convince you you aren't allowed to have feelings about it.

Knkw this op- Your feelings are valid.

Pinkbonbon · 29/03/2022 13:40

*he is not a nice person

dworky · 29/03/2022 13:54

Come on, you know what you should do!

LondonWolf · 29/03/2022 13:56

What would I do? I'd kick his arse out the door. And yes I have been cheated on by husband and I stayed and put up with it for far too long. I should have chucked him out first time I found mysterious phone numbers and he pretended he'd lost his wedding ring.

Canigooutyet · 29/03/2022 13:59

I would leave him.
You will be amazed how resilient you are going it alone.
I remember my ex telling me that I wouldn't cope without him because of a multiple of physical and mental health problems. I also have no family around to help out.

It was hard especially in the beginning until I found my step and what worked for us.

Daisychains11 · 29/03/2022 14:03

This is his choice and it is completely disrespectful to you. There is absolutely no excuse to not end things with you before sniffing around others.

I've been here in different ways. So many men betray their partners via social media and online dating. My boyfriend had a fling with q tinder woman when we split for 6 weeks and he came back to work things out. Pretended he never met anyone and he kept her on his Facebook to this day. She sometimes comments on his stuff and I'm supposed to not know qnd have to just live with the lie he's told me.

I'm so sorry this has happened. He is using things as an excuse. If the relationship he shares with you is so terrible why didn't he end it first.

My advice to you is to understand it isn't you. Its him. Its him. Its him. He's weak and foolishly thought he could do this for attention. It's all on him.

I wouldn't trust him again. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better.

Bluebluemoon · 29/03/2022 14:04

I've been there, I stayed, I'm on edge all the time, I don't trust him at all and my self confidence won't ever recover with the knowledge that he's quite happy to "talk" to other women online because he's not getting enough "attention". It doesn't get better.

This ^^

I'm in the same boat. I stay bc the alternative seems worse I suppose.

roarfeckingroarr · 29/03/2022 14:06

They lie to women on dating sites too OP. You deserve better.

Daisychains11 · 29/03/2022 14:15

Dating sites are horrible. My friends been upset more than once by players and liars on those things. It's q horrible world now in regards to love and relationships. Not many are loyal anymore.

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