DH on Tinder. WWYD?

[Daisyqueen1]

Cutting a long story short, DH on Tinder, secretive with phone for months and finally got hold of his phone and saw the app, messages going back to December. Made the mistake of telling him we need to talk when he was at work. And yes he'd deleted everything.
Denied everything, for weeks, even though I said I'd seen it on his phone. Now admitted to being on there but needed attention and he's been bored and needed female attention but it was nothing more than that.
I don't know how i trust him again, even if it was all online flirting like he said. Married for 15 years just gone and admittedly things have been a bit boring, I have fibromyalgia but can't believe he'd do that. It feels like he's cheated, even if there's no physical cheating, that I know of anyway.
I just feel ugly and unwanted that I'm not giving him what he needs :(
He says he loves me and he's sorry but it all feels so seedy.

Oh I feel so sad for you. I remember the constant sick feeling when I found out an ex cheated on me. And I do believe yours has cheated on you, no doubt about that. He has conceived of the idea, set up profiles, engaged in chats - and that’s what you know.

I stayed with the ex, because I believed that I would not do better. He kept seeing the OW however, whilst we went to counselling. Eventually when I realised it had to end, it actually was the best thing that ever happened to me. My self esteem grew, because I had decided ‘I am worth more than this’. It was scary being single but after a few months I started to have more fun with friend, act in ways I didn’t before, sounds corny but discovering myself a bit. Then a few yrs later met DH and I honestly look back on it all with gratitude. That ex showed me a lot about myself and everything about my life became better since.

I didn’t have a disability and understand this is scary. But there are always solutions. The pain and suffering you have because of your condition gives all the more reasons for you to enjoy the other parts of your life, not exist with this man that does not respect you. The fact that he doesn’t is 100% not your fault. It’s entirely on him, no matter how much he tries to convince you otherwise.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I've been there myself and I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone.

He's made me feel like a fool. And little things like he's been buying lots of new clothes lately, my suspicion is he's looking for someone else but doesn't want to end until he finds someone, but he'll just deny that

Focus on this and find your anger. This is what he has done to you, he has made you devalue yourself and lose your self worth. Do you think someone who makes you feel this way deserves to be with you? Do you think that's all YOU deserve?

it was just for attention and he wouldn't act on it

This was the EXACT excuse (pretty much word for word) I got from my husband when I caught him on fabswingers. Trust me, they only ever admit to as little as possible, they will minimise the hell out of it. I'd seen messages between him and someone discussing dates they were free, he was talking about how he would usually need to meet up out of the house but he would occasionally be able to accommodate (as in, fuck someone in OUR HOME). That much detail, but he was apparently never going to go through with it.

That was 2.5 years ago now, I had a long running thread on here at the time with most people telling me to leave because I'd never trust him again, I really wish I'd listened. When you stay it just eats away at you, you may begin to feel like you have a little bit of trust for them but it's always there in the back of your mind because you can never unsee what you saw, you will now always know just what they're capable of. I'm in the process of splitting now, I wish I'd done it when I first found out but sometimes you have to make your own mistakes before you realise what you need to do.

The thing that really stands out to me here (and did in my own situation) is the constant minimising and lying. Maybe if he'd come to you, owned up, accepted what an awful thing he'd done and thrown hmself into trying to make it right, then maybe there would be a chance of working it out. Instead he's lied to you, even after you saw what you saw he still tried to say you were wrong! That's gaslighting. Now he's minimising it and saying he didn't cheat, you're making it sound worse than it is, etc etc. He's a lying POS. You don't have to put up with this shit and spend your life wondering if you're good enough (you are, by the way).

What would I do? Send him to his mother's and file for divorce. He will do it again, he has not got enough respect for you, sorry OP

You are allowed to get angry with him , he might be minimising but you don't have to .

It's a well known site for hook ups |@Daisyqueen1

He lied to you and continues to lie. He is only telling you what you already know. What else will come out. You cannot trust him for sure.

First of all I'm very sorry you have fibromyalgia. A relative has it and it's a horrible thing.

This isn't going to be very popular but to put the other side, living with someone who is ill and has a diminished capacity for doing things can be quite difficult. Its boring and frustrating. It sounds like he's almost become a bit of a carer. Sorry I that sounds harsh. It totally isn't your fault and I don't see how you can change your situation really.

I have a friend in a similar situation who was often ill, although in his case it was unclear what his illness was, and in the end his BF left him. His BF told him that he wanted to travel and go places and do things and my friend wasn't up for that. My friend was devastated. After all it wasn't his fault he was ill and he thought his boyfriend lacked compassion. But I could see both sides, TBH.

The difference between their story and yours is that my friends BF didn't cheat on him but was upfront and ended it. I think its the lying that is unacceptable and undermines any trust you had in the relationship.

I guess your husband's argument will be that it's not that he doesn't love you, he just doesn't love the life that he is living. However, that life can't reasonably be expected to change because of your illness so can he really keep a promise not to do it again?

I'm so very sorry you find yourself in this situation were you're suffering on two fronts.

We don't know your financial circumstances, but it is clear you rely on him which is clouding your judgement. Would it help to plan ahead as though he is going away for a few weeks? Get help and care organized. Sort out some money, savings or benefits as appropriate. When you have this behind you, you will feel stronger and have your self esteem back. Then you can decide what you want.
Although the choice may be taken from you, as if he is buying new clothes, that is definitely to meet up. I think he is planning ahead. So you should be. X

I think perhaps I am holding back because I rely on him, also I feel quite isolated as no family near by and I'm not working. He's now acting like nothing had happened, I mentioned again how hurt I am and he said how many times are you going to keep asking when there's nothing to tell!
I understand life might be boring as another poster stated but I still feel angry that he's lied and potentially cheated or was looking to cheat. Another thing that's bothered me is that we don't have intercourse any more, it's tricky getting it right due to the pain but he admitted he'd rather sort himself out and it's less faff to quote his phrase which really hurt. So maybe he has been having an affair and getting it somewhere else, I didn't think that before because I know he watched porn on the sly, but now I'm not sure what to think.
I already feel like a nuisance enough, and now all this isn't helping my self esteem.
Financially I will get nothing if we split, there were massive debts when his business folded and where we are now is rented. But I know if I stay I'll be worrying about what he's up to all the time :(

I suspect he did cheat. He has 'admitted' the messaging because that way it looks like he's being honest. But, in actual fact, he is minimising what he really did. Its like pleading guilty to a lesser charge.

@Daisyqueen1

I think perhaps I am holding back because I rely on him, also I feel quite isolated as no family near by and I'm not working. He's now acting like nothing had happened, I mentioned again how hurt I am and he said how many times are you going to keep asking when there's nothing to tell! I understand life might be boring as another poster stated but I still feel angry that he's lied and potentially cheated or was looking to cheat. Another thing that's bothered me is that we don't have intercourse any more, it's tricky getting it right due to the pain but he admitted he'd rather sort himself out and it's less faff to quote his phrase which really hurt. So maybe he has been having an affair and getting it somewhere else, I didn't think that before because I know he watched porn on the sly, but now I'm not sure what to think. I already feel like a nuisance enough, and now all this isn't helping my self esteem. Financially I will get nothing if we split, there were massive debts when his business folded and where we are now is rented. But I know if I stay I'll be worrying about what he's up to all the time :(

wow, he really doesn't care does he. I know it feels like you are trapped but you're not. You would be ok. I felt trapped in my relationship for financial reasons but I got out and I'm totally ok now, thriving in fact.,

My ex cheated and gaslit me, and financially abused me for years - also blaming my health. I was entirely dependant on him, but it is still very possible to separate. Womens aid have some specific advice set up for women with disabilities, it is definitely worth giving them a call