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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Your thoughts please?

79 replies

Leanne053 · 26/03/2022 08:15

I've been with my boyfriend for just under a year and a half. For the first year everything was pretty wonderful, the odd thing here and there made me think that's a bit odd but generally speaking he was everything I wanted and we planned this amazing future together. In the last six month cracks have begun to appear for me and I'm losing that happiness. I would like to know your thoughts on this. So 3 weeks ago during a disagreement he called me a selfish c*unt I was totally taken back by this, it's a horrid word and to me should never be said to your other half, argument or no argument. I explained how it upset me and made me question his respect for me. Two nights ago I went to hug him and accidentally touched his side which was hurting at the time, I instantly apologised and he called me a stupid woman. I again was taken back and said that's a horrible thing to say, he apologised but then asked me to apologise for hurting him. I'm left feeling really crappy and that he has no respect for me. How would you feel? Is it not a big a deal as I think? Thank you for any replies

OP posts:

Coriandersucks · 26/03/2022 08:18

It’s always wonderful in the first year. It’s what happens after that matters. He’s showing his true colours. If he makes you feel like crap then he’s not a good match for you. Time to move on.

HollowTalk · 26/03/2022 08:21

So 3 weeks ago during a disagreement he called me a selfish cunt

That would be enough for me.

TheCurrywurstPrion · 26/03/2022 08:24

Name calling is abusive. He’s done it twice now. Even if you hurt him, he could have expressed himself easily without doing that.

Sounds like you’re better finding out now, rather than later, sorry.

2DogsOnMySofa · 26/03/2022 08:28

The name calling is unacceptable. I've been with my dh nearly 10 years and neither of us has ever named called the other.

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 08:28

Did he apologise for calling you a cunt and say he'd never to it again?

inmyslippers · 26/03/2022 08:31

He'll only get worse

Original poster

Leanne053 · 26/03/2022 09:08

@girlmom21

Did he apologise for calling you a cunt and say he'd never to it again?

He did when I told him how it made me feel but he didn't think it was that bad because "you were been a c*nt"

OP posts:

Original poster

Leanne053 · 26/03/2022 09:15

I'm so stuck what to do. I love him and how he used to be and just want to go back to that. Without him I feel I am back to square one, I am 29 and just want to settle and have children and all the things I thought I would have at this age. I can't picture my life without him but on the other hand would I be a fool to stick around when I'm already questioning things 😔 . Without him I will be lonely and depressed, I don't have that many friends, I'm a nervy and anxious person and I'm going to lose so much happiness without him....if that makes sense?

OP posts:

bluejelly · 26/03/2022 09:16

I had a boyfriend like this. Sweetness and light for the first 6 months. Then slowly he started to reveal the real him - small things at first, over-reactions if I 'put a foot wrong', very quick to criticise and snap. Soon we were having regular sweary, nasty rows which I found v upsetting, but he said were 'normal' in relationships. Interspersed with love and affection to keep me interested.
I wasted 2.5 years with him. Wish I had dumped him when he first started this behaviour.
(My current partner hasn't criticised me or used any insulting language in over 10 years...)

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 09:16

I think different people have different levels of acceptance of the word to be honest. If he's accepted that it crosses a line for you and never uses it against you again I'd get over it.

With the hurting him thing, you said you apologised immediately. He reacted badly because he's in pain, surely? Not saying the insult is ok but I don't think it's relationship-ending personally.

Fraaahnces · 26/03/2022 09:16

Also keeping the tit for tat thing happening from a past argument when you have explained how out of line he was, shows that he neither respects you nor feels remorse for hurting you. He feels entirely justified still. Get him gone.

Fireflygal · 26/03/2022 09:17

If you reflect on the argument, did you try to assert your boundaries or get your needs met?

Who he is now, is who he is...the first couple of years are usually the honeymoon phase with occasional slips of the mask. This is where you are now.

Listen to your instincts,if it feels as if he doesn't respect you, he probadly doesn't. Has he had many relationships? What is his family life like?

It's really difficult to walk away from a relationship that has been good but long term it will save you years of upset.

bluejelly · 26/03/2022 09:17

You're only 29, you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it with someone who doesn't deserve you.

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 09:18

@Leanne053

I've changed my mind after reading this. You're staying with him for all the wrong reasons.

You're not happy now. You won't be happy without him. The difference is you can make new friends, meet a new boyfriend etc.

You can't change who he is.

If you're not happy 18 months in don't waste any more time.

Get out and get a hobby and learn to be happy alone for while. You've got plenty of time left yet before you need to start worrying about whether you'll be able to have a family.

Original poster

Leanne053 · 26/03/2022 09:20

@bluejelly

I had a boyfriend like this. Sweetness and light for the first 6 months. Then slowly he started to reveal the real him - small things at first, over-reactions if I 'put a foot wrong', very quick to criticise and snap. Soon we were having regular sweary, nasty rows which I found v upsetting, but he said were 'normal' in relationships. Interspersed with love and affection to keep me interested. I wasted 2.5 years with him. Wish I had dumped him when he first started this behaviour. (My current partner hasn't criticised me or used any insulting language in over 10 years...)

Sorry you went through that. I wasted five years with my last boyfriend, we just drifted apart nothing more than that and I really though I'd found the one and that was me set. It's so scary so think it could all be over and disappear so soon and I'll be alone but I also don't want to stay with someone and waste time if this isn't going to get any better because I am not a cunt and I am not a stupid woman! I would be mortified if a friend, stranger, colleague said it to me so why does my boyfriend think it's acceptable ☹️

OP posts:

ididntevennotice · 26/03/2022 09:20

I love him and how he used to be and just want to go back to that.

Ah, that's how they feel you in. You ignored a few 'odd' behaviours, now it is starting to escalate. This will only ever go one way but I can guarantee the man he 'used to be' is well and truly gone.

Without him I will be lonely and depressed,

Come on, depression is an illness that you have absolutely no idea whether you will develop or not. Loneliness is something you can be pro active about and certainly not an excuse to remain with a man who is not even nice to you.

ididntevennotice · 26/03/2022 09:20

Oh, and whatever you do please do not have children with this man. He isn't the father figure or long term partner you think he is.

Sunnyday321 · 26/03/2022 09:22

I knew a couple where the man would call the woman a cunt , it shocked me but she seemed to accept the name calling.
I stopped the friendship when they had children , and he was calling his 4 year old a cunt as well.
How would you feel if you had kids with this man and he saw that as acceptable behaviour ?

Original poster

Leanne053 · 26/03/2022 09:25

@girlmom21 I'm not with him for the wrong reasons, I love him I really do, I care deeply for him

OP posts:

Original poster

Leanne053 · 26/03/2022 09:27

@Sunnyday321

I knew a couple where the man would call the woman a cunt , it shocked me but she seemed to accept the name calling. I stopped the friendship when they had children , and he was calling his 4 year old a cunt as well. How would you feel if you had kids with this man and he saw that as acceptable behaviour ?

That's what worries me about having children with him but what if I'm wrong and these are just two things that coincidentally happened closely together? Do I throw our relationship away for it? I just want our happy life back

OP posts:

sweetzy · 26/03/2022 09:31

@Leanne053

This is probably going to sound a bit patronising but it truly isn't meant that way.

I spent a lot of my 20s putting all my self worth, expectations etc into the relationship I was in and it's not healthy.

No-ones whole life should revolve around their partner whether they're 20 or 60.

My advice would be to end this as behaviour like this tends to get worse not better.

Focus on making new friends or reconnecting with old ones. Make your life for yourself. One that can be complemented by a relationship/marriage/children.

I'm sorry it's gone wrong.

SoManyTshirts · 26/03/2022 09:31

The first couple of years of a relationship are always wonderful, after that it’s time to move on or settle down as the novelty wears off and you really get to know each other.

My guess (all we can do on the internet) is that you are depending on him far too much - wanting children is one thing, but you should be able to manage your mental health and make friends of your own independently. In his position I’d feel trapped and look for an exit.

If you aren’t happy, split up, have a good think about what you want life to look like. Work on what you can by yourself and then find someone better suited to you.

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 09:32

[quote Leanne053]@girlmom21 I'm not with him for the wrong reasons, I love him I really do, I care deeply for him [/quote]
But you're not happy and you're staying so you're not lonely.

Is loving him enough if he doesn't respect you?

Do you want children in a relationship like that?

Opentooffers · 26/03/2022 09:32

C word would be an absolute dealbreacker for me. But actually calling me any name would be. There is a difference I feel between someone saying a person is behaving like a 'insert whatever word' and actually saying a person is one. How he's said it is also telling, one way calls out the behaviour rather than attacking the person.
He's directed the c word at you, not your behaviour, so no, he does not respect you. I recommend you respect yourself by getting out of this asap. Then you need to do some self work, aim to have more of a personal life going on, make more friends, because, if you rely too heavily on one person to fulfil your needs, you are always going to have to fight a fear of leaving any man for fear of solitude leading to putting up with stuff you really shouldn't. You need more going on in your life.

Onlyhonest · 26/03/2022 09:35

That would be the very end for me. I have been in many relationships over the years and no man has ever called me horrible names and definitely not the c- words.

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