Your thoughts please?

[Leanne053]

I've been with my boyfriend for just under a year and a half. For the first year everything was pretty wonderful, the odd thing here and there made me think that's a bit odd but generally speaking he was everything I wanted and we planned this amazing future together. In the last six month cracks have begun to appear for me and I'm losing that happiness. I would like to know your thoughts on this. So 3 weeks ago during a disagreement he called me a selfish c*unt I was totally taken back by this, it's a horrid word and to me should never be said to your other half, argument or no argument. I explained how it upset me and made me question his respect for me. Two nights ago I went to hug him and accidentally touched his side which was hurting at the time, I instantly apologised and he called me a stupid woman. I again was taken back and said that's a horrible thing to say, he apologised but then asked me to apologise for hurting him. I'm left feeling really crappy and that he has no respect for me. How would you feel? Is it not a big a deal as I think? Thank you for any replies

He just went back to his house which he rents to his two friends. But when he called yesterday to collect more things I told him I didn't want him to leave. I love him and I miss him and whilst he's been gone I've done nothing but cry, can't eat, can't sleep. With him gone I see no future for myself. My MH is bleak at times including OD and SH and I can't go back there. We sat and talked properly and both said there's stuff we need to work on together. I'm hoping we can and then go on to have the life we always talked about

OP, work on yourself and your MH. This man will make your life worse. He's not your answer. 29 is very young.

@Leanne053

I'm so stuck what to do. I love him and how he used to be and just want to go back to that. Without him I feel I am back to square one, I am 29 and just want to settle and have children and all the things I thought I would have at this age. I can't picture my life without him but on the other hand would I be a fool to stick around when I'm already questioning things 😔 . Without him I will be lonely and depressed, I don't have that many friends, I'm a nervy and anxious person and I'm going to lose so much happiness without him....if that makes sense?

He's not going to go back to the man he used to be because his current behaviour is who he really is. Don't make the mistake of thinking if you don't stick with this shit one you'll end up alone. And honestly even if you do / better alone than with a shit partner.

@Leanne053

He just went back to his house which he rents to his two friends. But when he called yesterday to collect more things I told him I didn't want him to leave. I love him and I miss him and whilst he's been gone I've done nothing but cry, can't eat, can't sleep. With him gone I see no future for myself. My MH is bleak at times including OD and SH and I can't go back there. We sat and talked properly and both said there's stuff we need to work on together. I'm hoping we can and then go on to have the life we always talked about

Oh, OP, I'm sorry this has happened. I get why you've done it, as its short term pain relief, but do look after yourself going forward. Unfortunately you have handed him a great deal of power over you now, as he knows how much you want him around and that all he needs to do to be forgiven is to absent himself for a while. I really hope he will work on things, rather than just demand you do, but in the event he doesn't, try to build up some alternatives to him for your support and care, and try to keep a little more distance from him. If you have friends and family, try to invest in them, as well as taking care of you MH, so should he treat you badly again in future, you may be able to deal with it from a position of more strength.

Ah no, that’s such a shame you feel all you’re worth is some bloke who calls you a cunt. Good luck with that. 100% do not breed with him. No kid deserves that.

Calling you a selfish cunt and a stupid woman is something a man should never do. I was with an emotionally abusive man at the same age as you and luckily he did things during that relationship where we eventually broke up after 2 years. He never said those names or things but was emotionally abusive. What’ll happen with you is he’ll eat away at your self esteem until it’s on the floor and you won’t know if its day or night. My ex, he’s married now and has two young children and it’s almost 20 years later and I really hope he’s matured and doesn’t treat his wife the way he treated me. I didn’t know any better so I took the treatment. Honestly leave whilst you can. He won’t change.

With him gone I see no future for myself. My MH is bleak at times including OD and SH and I can't go back there.

Then you get help @Leanne053 and you try doing different meds, therapies etc until you find something that works for you (I found EMDR therapy is great.) Keep pushing and trying professionals etc.

Your mental health will be much better in the long run for getting real help (you might think you've tried everything but there are usually more things you can try) and by not being with a verbally abusive man.

It sounds like the lovely veneer is starting to crack and fall off and now you're getting to see the 'real' him.

You need to really be on alert for what might be a pattern of worsening behaviour...

Oh my dear..you deserve better than this..
Have you heard the phrase 'short term pain for longterm gain'.. so applies here.
Do you think he will never call you a cunt ever again?
Do you?
Really?
He sees the outcome..you get upset..he leaves..you cry..you forgive him..you beg him to come back.. he allows you to persuade him.. you try harder to please him.
The next time he calls you a cunt you wont be quite so upset.. cos YOU MADE HIM angry..YOU did wrong...it was YOUR fault... can you see a pattern here?
Dig deep..get rid..then find your self respect.. and DEMAND respect from the next man you are with.

You're only 29. So young. Don't settle for this abusive toad. He is abusive. He's guaranteed to get worse.

And what if things can change and we can talk it through and work on the bad points. I can't thrown away what we did have and what we could have without trying one more time. I love him so much and he's a gigantic part of my life. My two friends who know about all this situation have said try and talk it through so they can't think it's tooo bad to not have told me to run a mile?
I've tried to work on my MH since my last teams, many medications, therapies, secondary services and nothing works, these past few years I've just accepted my heads like a faulty washing machine and that's sadly how it is!

@Leanne053

And what if things can change and we can talk it through and work on the bad points. I can't thrown away what we did have and what we could have without trying one more time. I love him so much and he's a gigantic part of my life. My two friends who know about all this situation have said try and talk it through so they can't think it's tooo bad to not have told me to run a mile? I've tried to work on my MH since my last teams, many medications, therapies, secondary services and nothing works, these past few years I've just accepted my heads like a faulty washing machine and that's sadly how it is!

*late teens

OP - let me tell you something. If you think your mental health is not your strong point and needs working on then trust me if you stay with this man it'll get worse.

When I was with the man I mentioned, I got very down, depressed, anxious, things I hadn't been since my teens. When I did finally break up with him and confided in my close best male friend about it, he said I'd hidden it very well and he'd never have guessed it was that bad.

Most of my close friends (including a best friend I had at the time) who knew about my jealous, controlling boyfriend, warned me off and told me to be careful. That's what your two so called friends should be doing now, not telling you to work things out with him. Unless of course you're downplaying events to them.

Your boyfriend will just see this as a green light to treat you like shit and sadly you'll let him do this.

And I've just seen from PPs that you're trying to get pregnant with this bell-end.

All I can say is I wish you luck, but be very careful trying to bring a baby into this mess.

@Bonbon21

Oh my dear..you deserve better than this.. Have you heard the phrase 'short term pain for longterm gain'.. so applies here. Do you think he will never call you a cunt ever again? Do you? Really? He sees the outcome..you get upset..he leaves..you cry..you forgive him..you beg him to come back.. he allows you to persuade him.. you try harder to please him. The next time he calls you a cunt you wont be quite so upset.. cos YOU MADE HIM angry..YOU did wrong...it was YOUR fault... can you see a pattern here? Dig deep..get rid..then find your self respect.. and DEMAND respect from the next man you are with.

@Bonbon21 - I had similar but it was more 'arguments' - our mums both called it childhood spats but it turned out in the end that he liked to control/talk down to me. On the one hand he liked it that I stood up for myself (thank god I did that!) but on the other hand he liked someone to control and if they got upset etc it didn't matter.

Part of this came from his family background, parents who argued, dad beat his mum and had affairs. Divorced when boyfriend was 12 with family court case where he had to speak I think.

Ugh. Mistake, OP, mistake. It's a certain type of man who call women that. What kind of men are your friends with if they think this attitude towards you is acceptable?

So we were going to talk it over but then he started saying how he is the only one putting in the effort and that he's willing to give me another chance when it's him who's been nasty! I'm a smart enough lady and it's true you really can be blinded by love ☹️ waving goodbye once and for all

Just seen your update at 1445👏👏👏.
Well done.. not easy.. but definately the right thing to do.
Give yourself a big pat on the back, a big smile in the mirror and get back to beIng YOU.
Life is good...enjoy.. xx

@Bonbon21

Just seen your update at 1445👏👏👏. Well done.. not easy.. but definately the right thing to do. Give yourself a big pat on the back, a big smile in the mirror and get back to beIng YOU. Life is good...enjoy.. xx

Thank you! You helped hit home with the short term pain for long term gain. I'm going to be really lonely for a while and I'm going to miss having that someone but I don't deserve his prickish ways 🙂

I've seen your update OP - good luck to you and honestly keep this thread here, repost here if you need to.

It's all about him here and you need to make it all about you! Remember every time you feel lonely and feel the pull back towards him to remember what he's said and done!

I suggest you buy yourself something nice to wear (post on S&B if you need advice) and get yourself out with friends and have some fun!

Chin up my lovely.

A bright future awaits - one in which you don't get called a selfish cunt or a stupid woman.

Well done OP, I know breaking up feels awful,but you’re better off without him. How can you plan a future with someone who calls you names? Life can be difficult as it is, no need for being disrespected by your partner.
You’re much better than this! Good luck 💐

@Gonnagetgoing

I've seen your update OP - good luck to you and honestly keep this thread here, repost here if you need to.

It's all about him here and you need to make it all about you! Remember every time you feel lonely and feel the pull back towards him to remember what he's said and done!

I suggest you buy yourself something nice to wear (post on S&B if you need advice) and get yourself out with friends and have some fun!

What's S&B? Sorry I'm a bit of a newbie here :)

S&B = the Style and Beauty board on MN.

So impressed, Op.

What did he say? Was he stunned? Lost his whipping girl, hasn't he? 😁