Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Your thoughts please?

79 replies

Leanne053 · 26/03/2022 08:15

I've been with my boyfriend for just under a year and a half. For the first year everything was pretty wonderful, the odd thing here and there made me think that's a bit odd but generally speaking he was everything I wanted and we planned this amazing future together. In the last six month cracks have begun to appear for me and I'm losing that happiness. I would like to know your thoughts on this. So 3 weeks ago during a disagreement he called me a selfish c*unt I was totally taken back by this, it's a horrid word and to me should never be said to your other half, argument or no argument. I explained how it upset me and made me question his respect for me. Two nights ago I went to hug him and accidentally touched his side which was hurting at the time, I instantly apologised and he called me a stupid woman. I again was taken back and said that's a horrible thing to say, he apologised but then asked me to apologise for hurting him. I'm left feeling really crappy and that he has no respect for me. How would you feel? Is it not a big a deal as I think? Thank you for any replies Smile

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 26/03/2022 10:09

He did when I told him how it made me feel but he didn't think it was that bad because "you were been a cnt"*

So his apology was basically "well I'm sorry but you were being a c*nt".

That's not an apology.

The hard truth here is that things are not going to go back to being how they were. That literally never happens. If you want to stay with him, you have to accept the way things are now, and be prepared for things to possibly get worse.

Also, not having many friends is absolutely not a reason to stay with someone, if anything it's the opposite. It's really not healthy for your partner to be your only real friend.

WormHasTurned · 26/03/2022 11:45

I would strongly suggest you leave. My marriage started off like this. He was wonderful, loving, supportive, understanding, incredibly patient. We got married quite quickly (mistake in retrospect). A couple of years in we started arguing. Little things…we had different levels of tidiness that caused a lot of rows. After about 4 years I barely recognised the man as the man I had married. He was critical, he moaned all the time. He talked endlessly about how giving he was whilst also being selfish. He saw the worst in me and it dragged me down. I spent so long hoping the man I fell in love with would come back. He has health problems and I hoped if they improved, he would come back. I now realise that the man I fell for never really existed. I should have seen when the mask originally slipped but I was so in love with that original man, I couldn’t bear to let him go. Now I’m starting over in my 40s…
My advice would be to do The Freedom Programme online and read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. See if you recognise any behaviours and patterns. It really opened my eyes to what was happening and how I was being treated.

Now STBXH has moved out I still find myself thinking “I’m so glad he’s gone” at least once a day!

StormyWindow · 26/03/2022 12:02

I'm so stuck what to do. I love him and how he used to be and just want to go back to that.

This sentence is what makes so many of us stay when our gut is screaming at us to go. When you think logically about it what's more likely, that the person he painted himself as early on was a mask he can no longer keep up, or that he has suddenly changed and is acting 'out of character' for no apparent reason? I've never heard anyone say they wish they hadn't listened to their gut instinct, only ever that they wish they had, and your gut is telling you this isn't right. Walk now before you get any more enmeshed is my advice, sorry OP.

5128gap · 26/03/2022 12:22

There comes a point in most relationships where a line is crossed. It happens at the point where people no longer feel they need to moderate all of their worst behaviour for fear of losing the other person. Once the line is crossed there's rarely any going back, and so this is the type of thing you should expect from him from now on. Maybe not calling you the same name, but the outbursts of anger and insults in arguments, as its obviously what he does when he relaxes into a relationship You need to decide if you can tolerate it. For what it's worth, I wouldn't.

5128gap · 26/03/2022 12:25

And I completely agree with other posters about the folly of hanging on hoping for a return to the halcyon days at the beginning. It won't happen. You'll probably get just enough good bits to keep you hoping, and a lot of input from him about what you should be doing differently if you want it to be good again. But honestly, those days are gone.

SallyWD · 26/03/2022 12:39

For some people that's just the way they speak. Maybe he was brought up in a house where it was normal to call each other c*nts. I'm not defending him though. Whenever I read things like this I just think "I've been with DH for 20 years and despite difficult times and arguments etc neither one of us have ever called each other a cunt." Imagine how he'll be 4 years down the line when you're not in the honeymoon period anymore.

BadNomad · 26/03/2022 13:27

Imagine him saying that to your daughter. Imagine your son hearing his father speak to a woman like that. How can you defend that?

Watchkeys · 26/03/2022 14:53

I'm left feeling really crappy and that he has no respect for me

The basic thing here is that if this is how you want your partner to make you feel, stick with this guy, because this is how he's making you feel.

Otherwise, do otherwise.

Fuzzyhippo · 26/03/2022 15:44

Honestly I've been dealing with a man like that for coming up to 7 years now and it's turned me into a monster. If I could turn back time and leave during the first year I would. But I'm still with him despite him saying he's had enough of me, then runs back when he gets lonely. I don't think this is the way life has to be

Original poster
Leanne053 · 26/03/2022 15:54

We've split up, he's packed most of his stuff and left earlier today. I'm devastated but it is what it is 😩

OP posts:
5128gap · 26/03/2022 16:08

@Leanne053

We've split up, he's packed most of his stuff and left earlier today. I'm devastated but it is what it is 😩
I'm sorry you're hurting. But honestly, it's best to get it out of the way than have it limp along with you hoping for improvement that doesn't happen, wasting precious time on him and having your self confidence eroded by nastiness he will say us your fault. Flowers
Bessica1970 · 26/03/2022 16:09

Did you ask him to leave or has he stropped off because you’re not going to accept being treated like that?

SunshineAndFizz · 26/03/2022 16:15

Don't settle. And don't waste years with someone who's not right. You know in your gut - don't ignore the signs.

Kdubs1981 · 26/03/2022 16:35

You're so young. Find someone who deserves you. You want children. You do NOT want children with this man. Trust me

Kdubs1981 · 26/03/2022 16:36

Sorry, should've read the full thread. I'm sorry you're hurting but it will be for the best

Original poster
Leanne053 · 26/03/2022 16:43

@Bessica1970

Did you ask him to leave or has he stropped off because you’re not going to accept being treated like that?
We tried talking and he just turned everything round on me and I got nothing from him so I said I think it's game over and he just packed his bags
OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 26/03/2022 16:46

Then that's the best thing he could ever have done!

He was clearly not prepared to change and has packed his bags and gone, expecting (no doubt) that you will now panic, beg him to return and allow him to treat you as shittily as he likes.

Don't do it. And don't be devastated. Be relieved. You've dodged a bullet.

girlmom21 · 26/03/2022 16:46

At least you've only wasted 18 months on him. Sorry you're hurting OP Thanks

Original poster
Leanne053 · 26/03/2022 16:48

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words :)

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 26/03/2022 16:54

So he's flounced. I expect he'll give you the silent treatment for a few days waiting for you to crack and apologise. Please don't. You tried to set a boundary in the relationship and he immediately trampled all over it.

NowEvenBetter · 26/03/2022 17:40

That’s great, well done! Just beware of him crawling back with some halfhearted drivel he’ll expect you to fall for, once he realises he’ll have to pretend to be a decent person to reel in some new person to shag.

Gooders1105 · 26/03/2022 17:49

That’s great news. Give yourself time to heal. Remember not to grieve what he WAS like because he isn’t really that at all.
Well done. I’m really impressed that you allowed yourself to see him for what he really was.

redfairy · 27/03/2022 07:34

Well done on calling him out on his shitty behaviour OP. You have done yourself a massive favour.

disappear · 27/03/2022 07:38

@HollowTalk

So 3 weeks ago during a disagreement he called me a selfish cunt

That would be enough for me.

That was my reaction too.
Justleaveitblankthen · 27/03/2022 08:20

OP, I am so glad to read your update. I know that you are feeling devastated right now, but you won't be feeling like this in a short while.

It takes time to see the bigger picture and realise this was the best thing that could have happened. Flowers
Not only does he have a foul mouth, but when he knows how upset it made you he couldn't bring himself to apologise properly.

It's all your fault always.. and then he bails out and leaves. This is how your life with him will be.

Where has he gone by the way?

Swipe left for the next trending thread