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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friend's put downs

57 replies

magicwaffles · 24/03/2022 21:19

I have a friend who has social climbing tendencies. She's from a middle class family and I think it was drummed in to her that she should marry a high earning man.

She's been good to me over the years so I just roll my eyes inwardly at some of the things she says but yesterday we met for a drink with a friend of hers whom I hadn't met before. She has a prestigious job and I was aware that my friend saw her as someone with social cachet. The friend was lovely and we were all chatting, it was nice.

The friend said she would be happy to get us tickets to an event she was organising (think: luxury goods fair). I said how nice that would be lovely. My friend immediately said sternly: "but Magic, the items are really expensive".

I think her friend was a bit embarrassed as she said "but sometimes it's nice just to appreciate the beautiful things and prices start from about £100"

Also, we are both from the North but I have a Northern accent and she doesn't. Imagine she's from Harrogate and I'm from Bradford. She then started saying loudly "Bradford" and laughing.

I felt really down when I got home and on reflection this is not the first time she's done this, she did it a few years ago, again in front of her friends who are much more affluent than I (or her). When we were discussing a new shop that had recently opened, she instantly said "magic the prices are really high" as if to exclude me from the conversation. I was really embarrassed.

As background I'm a single parent but have a good job which pays 80k a year, own my home and a car, but generally prioritise my spending for holidays. Even if this were not the case I STILL think it's rude, crass and hurtful to sideline someone when generally they're just joining in a conversation not signing up to a bloody lifelong subscription.

Am I being over sensitive about this or is she being rude?

OP posts:
MarbleQueen · 24/03/2022 21:22

She then started saying loudly "Bradford" and laughing.

Vindictive and childish. She’d be my ex friend.

JustHereWithPopcorn · 24/03/2022 21:23

Yeah she's rude. You don't need people like that in your life, if I was you I would be slowly distancing myself from her. Next time she texts, you're really busy.

FridaynightCry · 24/03/2022 21:40

80k?!
What do you do?!

Also, drop this friend. Life is too short to hang around with arseholes

speakball · 24/03/2022 21:43

The world is rammed full of people who you could laugh with and who would make you feel great. Leave the ones who can only pull people down to themselves.

Xpologog · 24/03/2022 21:46

Yes, she’s rude. And I imagine you’re not the only person who notices it.
I think she should be your ex friend.

layladomino · 24/03/2022 21:47

Another vote for drop the friend. That isn't even a borderline 'was it an insult or not?'. That was a plain as day put-down designed to make you feel small and to look foolish in front of someone else. You don't need friends like that.

twoshedsjackson · 24/03/2022 21:47

She may have embarrassed you, but you should console yourself with the thought that she embarrassed herself more in the eyes of people she was, probably, out to impress.

RandomMess · 24/03/2022 21:52

Her friend probably was thinking WTF!!!

How mean, time to let her go.

Legoninjago1 · 24/03/2022 21:56

Oh that's horrible. Sorry you had to endure that. Agree that the chances are the others present probably thought she was being a complete cow too. She's obviously painfully insecure. I'd avoid her forthwith.

EarthSight · 24/03/2022 22:03

80k a year??? That's great. What does she do for a living then?

Some very affluent people would find her behaviour embarrassing. They can spot social climbers, and also when people step on others in order to do that. It woukd be different if you were very close and this was some kind of shared joke or banter, but it sounds like she's making a tit of herself.

Don't be that stepping stone for her. Don't introduce her to anyone else like that again. She should learn that she is not allowed to disrespect you. She might have been good to you, but that doesn't mean she should be able to treat you with disrespect. Also, I'd very much question her 'friend' status if she's hoping to get a denigrate you in front of others hoping to get points from them.

ClaryFairchild · 24/03/2022 22:05

Turn it back in her. Reply with "Do you really think they're that expensive? I thought they were fine, but if you're worried that you can't afford them maybe you shouldn't go."

Kipperandarthur · 24/03/2022 22:14

Well she certainly has no manners whatsoever.

I also think that if she was from a solid “middle class” background (as you put it) she wouldn’t be making these crass comments.
The only person that she’s embarrassing is herself.

I would be tempted next time this happens to say something along the lines of… “Gosh Cynthia, one can never buy manners.” Smile, change the subject and rise above her nonsense.

TheLoupGarou · 24/03/2022 22:16

She sounds like a right dick! I have an acquaintance who gets on like that - wee put downs and bitchy remarks. Slowly but surely all her friends have drifted away. I think it comes from a place of deep insecurity & it's like she can't help herself - sooner or later she shows her true colours to everyone.

TheLoupGarou · 24/03/2022 22:17

Yes - as pp said ,^^ everyone around her will notice and be thinking wtf?!

crosshatching · 24/03/2022 22:22

Cringing for her OP, you don't need this nonsense in your life - either tackle it straight on or drop her. Either way don't let this make you feel embarrassed you've done nothing wrong.

Heartofglass12345 · 24/03/2022 22:26

Bloody hell I would be loaded if I earned 80k a year! She sounds awful, I couldn't see her again sorry. You could bring it up but I'm not sure how that would go really, she'll probably gaslight you.

DatingDinosaur · 24/03/2022 23:06

” it's rude, crass and hurtful to sideline someone”

Yes it is.

” Am I being over sensitive about this or is she being rude?”

No you’re not and yes she is.

Ask her to explain what she means / why she said that next time she tells you things are really expensive and such like. And mimic her accent next time she does that to you.

Then, when she gets snippy and deflects it back to you, stand up, tell her you don’t need to listen to her belittling, patronising crap anymore and throw your drink in her face (to ruin the expensive hair do and make up). Bonus points if you get it all over her top as well. And absolute master class award if it’s red wine.

…. Or maybe not. But I hope that thought put a smile on your face Grin

I couldn't remain friends with someone so materialistic and shallow.

magicwaffles · 24/03/2022 23:07

@layladomino

Another vote for drop the friend. That isn't even a borderline 'was it an insult or not?'. That was a plain as day put-down designed to make you feel small and to look foolish in front of someone else. You don't need friends like that.
Thank you @layladomino that's how I feel but it does hurt to accept that she meant to treat me like that.

To clarify to the pp who said I shouldn't introduce her to anyone again this was her "friend" not mine.

She has expressed interest in meeting some of my more successful friends but they haven't got on tbh.

OP posts:
PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 24/03/2022 23:19

If you value her as a friend in spite of her rudeness then I would call her out for it. If not, then just let the friendship go.

She'll never be accepted into the circles she wants with that attitude.

L0stinCyberspace · 24/03/2022 23:27

Ugh how rude of her and how obviously she was trying to cosy up to the new, wealthy friend while putting you down. I would phase out a "friend" like this pretty sharpish. People who toady up to wealthier people are very obvious and very rude.

Dubsub · 25/03/2022 01:30

“Yes Cynthia, that’s right, Bradford. Also birthplace of the Brontes, David Hockney and JB Priestly. Have you heard of any of those people?”

Weatherwax13 · 25/03/2022 01:43

She's bloody rude. And rather pathetic.
Trying to paint you as the poor little working class girl to deflect from her own daft insecurities and hope it makes the other woman see her as superior so she can share the perceived "cachet"
Quite sad really.

MadMadMadamMim · 25/03/2022 01:49

I'd be tempted to send a text saying Friend, your behaviour today was so crass that I am embarrassed for you. You did yourself no favours in anyone's eyes by sneering at me. You might want to reconsider your strategy if you're hoping to impress others.

HeyItsPickleRick · 25/03/2022 01:56

She's disgusting, that Hyacinth Bucket you've managed to attach yourself to. Drop her like a hot potato!

cavalatete · 25/03/2022 08:47

We'll all she did was make herself look like a dick to someone she wanted to impress and hurt an actual friend. Great night out for her!

You said she's been good to you. That's nice. You don't owe her trying to publicly humiliate you though. You know most abusive partners are also nice? They are not abusive all the time. Doesn't stop them being abusive though. And you know total strangers can also do good things to other strangers? Your friend is mean to you. The fact she's been "good" to you before doesn't nullify the meanness. Maybe you want to have a word and keep fingers crossed she doesn't do it again. Or maybe you think that a friend who is willing to make (try to make) you look bad for what she sees as personal gain isn't actually a friend in the first place. She certainly doesn't see you as equal.

And well done on having a good job and, from the sounds of it, your life together. Not always easy to achieve!

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