Friend's put downs

[magicwaffles]

I have a friend who has social climbing tendencies. She's from a middle class family and I think it was drummed in to her that she should marry a high earning man.

She's been good to me over the years so I just roll my eyes inwardly at some of the things she says but yesterday we met for a drink with a friend of hers whom I hadn't met before. She has a prestigious job and I was aware that my friend saw her as someone with social cachet. The friend was lovely and we were all chatting, it was nice.

The friend said she would be happy to get us tickets to an event she was organising (think: luxury goods fair). I said how nice that would be lovely. My friend immediately said sternly: "but Magic, the items are really expensive".

I think her friend was a bit embarrassed as she said "but sometimes it's nice just to appreciate the beautiful things and prices start from about £100"

Also, we are both from the North but I have a Northern accent and she doesn't. Imagine she's from Harrogate and I'm from Bradford. She then started saying loudly "Bradford" and laughing.

I felt really down when I got home and on reflection this is not the first time she's done this, she did it a few years ago, again in front of her friends who are much more affluent than I (or her). When we were discussing a new shop that had recently opened, she instantly said "magic the prices are really high" as if to exclude me from the conversation. I was really embarrassed.

As background I'm a single parent but have a good job which pays 80k a year, own my home and a car, but generally prioritise my spending for holidays. Even if this were not the case I STILL think it's rude, crass and hurtful to sideline someone when generally they're just joining in a conversation not signing up to a bloody lifelong subscription.

Am I being over sensitive about this or is she being rude?

@MadMadMadamMim

I'd be tempted to send a text saying Friend, your behaviour today was so crass that I am embarrassed for you. You did yourself no favours in anyone's eyes by sneering at me. You might want to reconsider your strategy if you're hoping to impress others.

Ooh this is quite good!

She sounds really really awful. Just out of interest, how much does she earn? Does she have an impressive job?

Completely agree with CLARYFAIRCHILD. Turn it back on her
Agree with pp ditch her she is not a nice person

Say something

When she says that again, ask her "what's the problem? Do you think I can't afford it?"

@ClaryFairchild

Turn it back in her. Reply with "Do you really think they're that expensive? I thought they were fine, but if you're worried that you can't afford them maybe you shouldn't go."

Oh yes, this one is much better!

She sounds so rough.

She is not your friend.

She made an absolute show of herself, of that have no doubt.

I think sending @MadMadMadamMim text is a good idea and avoid.

I have never been in the company of someone who would behave so rudely and would be cringing for her.

Step away from the friendship and focus on your other friends whose judgement was correct about her.

@HollowTalk

She sounds really really awful. Just out of interest, how much does she earn? Does she have an impressive job?

No she doesn't. She's probably an under achiever really. Her parents were both medical professionals. I know her father pushed her hard and was quite abusive. She didn't do that well at A level so didn't go to a particularly good university and then her career didn't really take off.

Her partner is a high earning professional but for a long time didn't "believe in marriage" and their finances were quite unequal. They married fairly recently as he is taking up a post abroad and it simplified the bureaucracy.

Her daughter is privately educated and I think she feels pressure to "keep up" with the other parents so pp are probably correct that this comes from a place of insecurity.

Sounds like it all stems from her insecurity. No excuse to be mean and blimey, look how successful you are!

Personally I would call her out on it. Simply a ‘when you did x and x the other day I felt uncomfortable, why did you do that to a friend?’.

God she sounds awful. I wouldn't be able to help retorting how odious it is to discuss the cost of everything in a snooty cum classy way!

You sound far to lovely to be associating with such an unpleasant person.

She sounds like an absolute douchebag. Her behaviour is utterly without class.

I had something like this with a friend. I definitely wasn't earning 80+K at the time though, but was unemployed. We had tickets for an event, but I could afford the drink prices so I brought a hip-flask with me . The next time we were out with a bunch of her friends who were all working and she decides to tell them all about my hip flask, not only making me out to be dole scrounging scum but also some sort of alcoholic. She was at least apologetic about it when I said that wasn't a nice thing to do, so she had some self-awareness. It sounds like your friend is too far gone up her own backside to even care if she's hurt you.

£80k a year and she doesn’t think you can afford a product that’s £100?

Also I am from a place where it’s v rough. There were riots here. North London, very regional accent.

We have some famous people from round here and I met one recently - that is the ONLY time I have ever shouted the name of my town at someone. In a “Hello townname” greeting kind of way.

She is horrible. Really.

She's trying to signal that you are not well off. (You are well off btw) I don't know why she's doing this but it doesn't really matter why. She's just nasty.

Please sack her as a friend. She's foul.

I spent years feeling awful every time I met up with 'friends'. They too were unpleasant. I kept trying to be friends, to please them I guess. Now I live nowhere near them and I so wish I had got rid of them sooner.

Preserve your own well being and drop her.

@Sisteragatha Tottenham? I live in North London

Thanks everyone for your comments it's made me feel better for some reason- I wondered if I was making too big a deal of it.

With regard to her making out I'm not well off, in comparison to her circle I am poor it is true, and I have to prioritise my spending but not so much that I couldn't afford a hundred pounds on something if that's what I chose to do and certainly shouldn't be scolded in public for the temerity of suggesting I could.

She's invited me for dinner tonight and I've politely declined.

Ahhh ok was she shouting it like you hear in the stands and on the train ie totter-naaaaam. That does kind of explain the shouting a bit because if I met Adele I would 💯 shout Oi oi tottenham or something.

Is she from Palmers Green or Southgate etc then? Bin her off; she’ll always lord it over you x

Ha ha Agatha no we are both from the North but she is from a posher part than me and doesn't have a Northern accent.

Since I've lived down south I do realise that having a regional accent is considered very working class.

(I've grown to love the North London accent but didn't realise Palmer's Green was considered posh! Nearly moved there once.)

I think you should confront her about it and tell her she's out of order, otherwise she'll keep doing it. Her reaction should tell you if she's really a friend or not.

Just an fyi @magicwaffles I'm from Harrogate and categorically would never, ever behave in this way.
Also, Harrogate is most certainly not posh! Believe me, the town centre has some nice parts yes, but the real town itself has some areas that are frankly, unsafe! Just like most other towns.

@SpringsSprung

Just an fyi *@magicwaffles* I'm from Harrogate and categorically would never, ever behave in this way. Also, Harrogate is most certainly not posh! Believe me, the town centre has some nice parts yes, but the real town itself has some areas that are frankly, unsafe! Just like most other towns.

Hi @SpringsSprung I certainly didn't mean to malign the reputation of people from Harrogate!

She's not from Harrogate I used it as an example that my area of the North is considered less salubrious than hers and that I felt this was part of the put down that she was calling out the name of my home town and laughing.

For what it's worth I'm very proud to be a Yorkshirewoman even though I haven't lived there for many years.

I wouldn't call her a friend.

She is really embarrassing herself badly here. Her behaviour screams insecurity. However that doesn't mean you should put up with it.

Personally I think you should ditch her. I'd a friend who used to pull this rubbish with me. It was a relief when I gave myself permission to simply let the friendship die.
However if you feel it's worth holding onto I'd do this - every single time she makes a comment like this ask her to explain it "why are you saying that to me?" "Why are you insulting where I'm from?" "Why are you singling me out re the prices being high?" "Why are you putting me down like this?"

Do it every single time and also address the last day with her so you don't have wait for your next opportunity. Be calm and direct. "I have a question for you. When we were out with X the other day why did you say (quote her directly) to me?" Don't say anything till she replies and don't get sidetracked. It she blusters or says you're sensitive or overreacting repeat the question.

She's not really your friend, OP.

Life is too short for people like her!

yuk, not a nice person, not your friend either. You need to tell her though that her behaviour is a disgrace. She clearly feels insecure about everything. pity her really.

She doesn’t sound like a friend to me