Friend's put downs

[magicwaffles]

I have a friend who has social climbing tendencies. She's from a middle class family and I think it was drummed in to her that she should marry a high earning man.

She's been good to me over the years so I just roll my eyes inwardly at some of the things she says but yesterday we met for a drink with a friend of hers whom I hadn't met before. She has a prestigious job and I was aware that my friend saw her as someone with social cachet. The friend was lovely and we were all chatting, it was nice.

The friend said she would be happy to get us tickets to an event she was organising (think: luxury goods fair). I said how nice that would be lovely. My friend immediately said sternly: "but Magic, the items are really expensive".

I think her friend was a bit embarrassed as she said "but sometimes it's nice just to appreciate the beautiful things and prices start from about £100"

Also, we are both from the North but I have a Northern accent and she doesn't. Imagine she's from Harrogate and I'm from Bradford. She then started saying loudly "Bradford" and laughing.

I felt really down when I got home and on reflection this is not the first time she's done this, she did it a few years ago, again in front of her friends who are much more affluent than I (or her). When we were discussing a new shop that had recently opened, she instantly said "magic the prices are really high" as if to exclude me from the conversation. I was really embarrassed.

As background I'm a single parent but have a good job which pays 80k a year, own my home and a car, but generally prioritise my spending for holidays. Even if this were not the case I STILL think it's rude, crass and hurtful to sideline someone when generally they're just joining in a conversation not signing up to a bloody lifelong subscription.

Am I being over sensitive about this or is she being rude?

You are right, she needs somebody to fulfil the role of being one rung beneath her. That's you. Whether it is or it isn't.

I think my social status can be a bit ambiguous and I've triggered a few insecure people who require associations that validate them and feel the need to distance themselves from associations that might reflect badly on them. I was a bit startled to realise this was what was going on. I am a single parent too, but own job, own house, eldest DC at a good university, accent that allows me to pass unnoticed ... and yet, socially insecure people have distanced themselves from a visible association with me. Some people are so shallow. They have a fear of being a nobody. They don't realise that not everybody ranks everybody else around them. That fear drives their fawning and drives their put downs too.

PS I bet she doesn't even realise she's putting you down. Her belief that you're beneath her is probably quite entrenched. You say she's been good to you. People are rarely ''good'' to friends that are better off, more fortunate, luckier, better looking, better qualified are they? People are usually ''very good'' to people who are less fortunate than they consider themselves to be. I'd bet you anything she just sees her comments as a factual reflection of where you both 'sit' on the social strata.

She sounds like a horrid snob. Life is too short to waste time of people like her OP.

@Lurking9to5

PS I bet she doesn't even realise she's putting you down. Her belief that you're beneath her is probably quite entrenched. You say she's been good to you. People are rarely ''good'' to friends that are better off, more fortunate, luckier, better looking, better qualified are they? People are usually ''very good'' to people who are less fortunate than they consider themselves to be. I'd bet you anything she just sees her comments as a factual reflection of where you both 'sit' on the social strata.

I think you are right. She would probably consider that she was "protecting" me.

Also agree about her being "good" to me. This was particularly true when my husband left me very suddenly and she was hugely emotionally supportive. Between her and another friend they really carried me through that first awful year and I will always be grateful for that.

It's very clear that she does see me as on a rung beneath her though.

I'm not going to let it happen again.

Wow, my experience with a childhood friend has been so similar to yours, right down to her being a ''white knight'' in times of distres and slagging my accent! Google white knight syndrome, or the karpman's drama triangle. I suppose you don't always have to be having a crisis for the rescuer to still see themselves in the role of your rescuer.

I don't make any effort with my childhood friend now, no point, although we're still connected on facebook. But I know that she can only ever sympathise with my lows. She cannot be happy for my successes. I have noticed she will sincerely be happy for school friends of ours who have got their phd, got the job of their dreams, created fantastic pieces of art, remarried somebody decent this time around :-p , relocated to a house by the sea, etc etc

Her comments show sincere praise and happiness for them.

We both grew up in Ireland but ended up in London in our 20s. Her parents were English, so she caught the accent immediately. With other English friends present she used to do this diddly idly accent when she was quoting me or quoting my mother. Completely disassociating herself from the country she grew up in and the accent she had too until chameleon style she lost it deliberately ten weeks previously!

When I was dumped suddenly by a man I thought was serious about me I felt devastated and she was so good to me, made me go back to the gp when the gp wouldn't give me anti-depressants the first time. made sure I was cutting out wine when I started taking them. Re-framed what had happened in a way that made it feel less about me and more about him.

She checked in on me regularly as well as having her own job and life. She made food for me when i hadn't eaten for days. She is good in that role of rescuer, but then, when I recovered, there was friction so she couldn't operate so comfortably in a friendship of equals. In her head, she had branded me as beneath her. When I reflect that back to her she is wonderful.

But if I can't be beneath her then I don't reflect back what she needs from me. It's so weird, other friends can be more successful than her but not me

We cycled around together when we were 8. She was out in front.
Her hair was one shade blonder, her bike was a bit newer. She had older sisters! Her runners were addidas and mine were Dunnes. I feel we can never move past that dynamic of our places in the friendship when we were eight.

@Lurking9to5

Wow, my experience with a childhood friend has been so similar to yours, right down to her being a ''white knight'' in times of distres and slagging my accent! Google white knight syndrome, or the karpman's drama triangle. I suppose you don't always have to be having a crisis for the rescuer to still see themselves in the role of your rescuer.

I don't make any effort with my childhood friend now, no point, although we're still connected on facebook. But I know that she can only ever sympathise with my lows. She cannot be happy for my successes. I have noticed she will sincerely be happy for school friends of ours who have got their phd, got the job of their dreams, created fantastic pieces of art, remarried somebody decent this time around :-p , relocated to a house by the sea, etc etc

Her comments show sincere praise and happiness for them.

We both grew up in Ireland but ended up in London in our 20s. Her parents were English, so she caught the accent immediately. With other English friends present she used to do this diddly idly accent when she was quoting me or quoting my mother. Completely disassociating herself from the country she grew up in and the accent she had too until chameleon style she lost it deliberately ten weeks previously!

When I was dumped suddenly by a man I thought was serious about me I felt devastated and she was so good to me, made me go back to the gp when the gp wouldn't give me anti-depressants the first time. made sure I was cutting out wine when I started taking them. Re-framed what had happened in a way that made it feel less about me and more about him.

She checked in on me regularly as well as having her own job and life. She made food for me when i hadn't eaten for days. She is good in that role of rescuer, but then, when I recovered, there was friction so she couldn't operate so comfortably in a friendship of equals. In her head, she had branded me as beneath her. When I reflect that back to her she is wonderful.

But if I can't be beneath her then I don't reflect back what she needs from me. It's so weird, other friends can be more successful than her but not me

We cycled around together when we were 8. She was out in front.
Her hair was one shade blonder, her bike was a bit newer. She had older sisters! Her runners were addidas and mine were Dunnes. I feel we can never move past that dynamic of our places in the friendship when we were eight.

This is really good advice and I'm sorry for what happened to you both. People lile that really are never happy when anyone else does well and its a shame.

For context, my best friend from school is still my best friend. I was driven, confident, more academic, thinner whatever. Over the years she has definitely overtaken me in all respects and I couldn't be happier for her tbh 😂 We use to fall out loads back in the day and always ne which to admit we were wrong. Jealousy has never been a part of our friendship. You absolutely can be friends with someone who is on paper "above" or "below" you in any way if neither one of you cares about those things.

You're on 80k. You also have your shit together. Sorry but if I were you I'd say 'good job I'm loaded, then!' every time she made one of her comments