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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He lied to me about meeting up with another woman

56 replies

WTAFFF · 24/03/2022 20:41

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few years.

Just before lockdown he reconnected with an old colleague seemingly at random. He started going on nights out with her.

During lockdown this seemed to fizzle out: however, a few weeks ago he said he was meeting up with one of his male friends.

He let slip today that he’d actually met up with his old colleague. He maintains that he also met up with his male friend and they drove for an hour to go for a walk and a pub lunch.

I wasn’t invited on this walk. I asked him when he got back if he’d had a nice time but he didn’t tell me where he’d gone or that this woman was there.

I feel like he’s lied to me and it makes me a little bit suspicious. He said he didn’t tell me because he didn’t think it was relevant.

Am I overreacting please?

OP posts:
Original poster
WTAFFF · 25/03/2022 07:44

Thank you for all your replies. I messaged him at 5am saying that we needed to talk.

Just before lockdown I was going through a really bad personal time and really could have done with a nice night out. He said he was meeting up with a group of his old colleagues (including the woman) so I asked to go along just to get some positivity in my life. He reacted really badly and said I couldn’t come as it would be weird.

It transpired that a number of partners came along. So I did ask him at that stage if he fancied her and all I asked was for him not to take advantage of me.

He agreed to this and has now thrown this back in my face with his latest stunt.

OP posts:
Original poster
WTAFFF · 25/03/2022 07:45

But he is using my concerns pre lockdown as evidence that I’m jealous.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 25/03/2022 07:50

That seems like more gaslighting.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 25/03/2022 07:55

He’s a liar, of course there is something dodgy going on. If there wasn’t he’d be up front and honest with you rather than all this pathetic mindfuckery that he’s dishing out.
Not only is he a liar but he’s gaslighting you at every opportunity, he knows it and you know it.
You can stay with him, move forward in your life together , but he’s shown you who he is, believe him.
When you get to have the talk with him be totally prepared for everything to be your fault . If you were more reasonable/less jealous he wouldn’t have to hide things from you . He doesn’t fancy her anyway so you have nothing to worry about ( I don’t know a single man who’s been caught cheating not use that little gem)
The time that you spend with this man , from this point on , is wasted time. Make way for someone who isn’t an abusive liar, unless you are happy to be reliving similar situations further down the line, over and over and over

girlmom21 · 25/03/2022 08:04

You're not jealous - you're wary. And you're wary because he's lied and deceived you with regards to this woman for over two years.

If he knows you'll be jealous in future he has two choices: tell you and stand up for their friendship if it means that much to him or not tell you and accept that there's no room to move forward in this relationship as there's no trust.

Original poster
WTAFFF · 25/03/2022 08:05

@girlmom21 - this is what I don’t understand. He’s always said to me that he doesn’t think men and women can be friends but now this is suddenly the most important thing to him.

OP posts:
SoulOfPaddington · 25/03/2022 08:07

Sounds like he is testing the water with the friend to see if they are compatible - nothing good will come out of it

Buildingthefuture · 25/03/2022 08:10

I think @Hopingforabagofbuttons sums it up very well. This is indeed pathetic mindfuckery. He lied to you, he got caught and (in the script used by lying dick weasels since the dawn of time) it’s somehow your fault. Don’t fall for his bullshit op, this tosser does not have your best interests at heart. I don’t know whether you live together, how old you are or if you have dc. But right now, this man is making decisions just for him. You need to do the same. Honesty is the most basic thing you should expect in a relationship.

LIZS · 25/03/2022 08:12

[quote WTAFFF]@girlmom21 - this is what I don’t understand. He’s always said to me that he doesn’t think men and women can be friends but now this is suddenly the most important thing to him.[/quote]
That's because he is hoping it is more. Maybe it is, maybe not, maybe it could be. Were the evening meet-ups one to one or in groups? Do you trust what he said? Yes he is gaslighting you by dismissing your concerns and making it about your jealousy, especially while you are vulnerable.

girlmom21 · 25/03/2022 08:36

[quote WTAFFF]@girlmom21 - this is what I don’t understand. He’s always said to me that he doesn’t think men and women can be friends but now this is suddenly the most important thing to him.[/quote]
What he means is you're not allowed male friends in case they help you realise not all men are twats

pastypirate · 25/03/2022 08:39

He's lining up a replacement.

Original poster
WTAFFF · 25/03/2022 09:00

So in reply to my message asking to talk he’s literally just replied ‘so talk!’

I just find that so disrespectful. I’m too angry at the moment to have a sensible conversation with him.

OP posts:
candles1298 · 25/03/2022 09:14

I wouldn't even bother. If you don't have shared finances or DC I'd not even waste my energy or time replying

He doesn't deserve it

billy1966 · 25/03/2022 09:26

I wouldn't bother talking to him OP.

He's a complete liar and you are being used by him until it no longer suits HIM.

He has given you multiple examples of not caring for you.

Stop making little of yourself by accepting his awful behaviour.

You are wasting hour time.

Dump by text and block.
Flowers

LIZS · 25/03/2022 09:35

Do you live together ? If not if this is what he has told you I might winder what else he has not. Don't think the conversation is worth having, he will only deflect responsibility.

layladomino · 25/03/2022 09:40

Yeah I wouldn't bother. At best you now know he's lied to you, multiple times, and that when you call him out on it, he gaslights.

At worst - well, why didn't he want you to go out when she was there? He must think you're stupid if his 'reason' is because you're jealous. Even if you do have jealous tendancies, does he honestly think that lying to you and seeing another woman behind your back will help you lose them?

I would walk away. Honestly.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 25/03/2022 09:49

He sounds like a prick.

Double standards re whether or not men and women can be friends.

Dismissive of your worries.

Lies to you easily and frequently.

And used a woman's weight as a reason you shouldn't think he's wrong for lying about seeing her.

Take a step back and really look at who he is as a person. And tell us - is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? The man you trust and think is a really good person, a kind person, a thoughtful person?

Try to properly think about that objectively and let us know your answer.

MadeForThis · 25/03/2022 09:49

Walk away. He's lying, rude and disrespectful.

Opaljewel · 25/03/2022 10:55

Just finish with him. He doesn't give a damn about how you feel.

2DogsOnMySofa · 25/03/2022 11:55

The more you tell us, the more I think he's absolutely taking the piss and completely disrespecting you.

You weren't allowed on a night out when other partners went

He's lied to you about who he's with

I'd call it a day op and find someone who will treat you right

girlmom21 · 25/03/2022 11:59

@WTAFFF

So in reply to my message asking to talk he’s literally just replied ‘so talk!’

I just find that so disrespectful. I’m too angry at the moment to have a sensible conversation with him.

Talk. Tell him you're collecting your things this afternoon so can he please box them up ready for you and you'll drop anything you have of his back. Twat.
Loopytiles · 25/03/2022 12:08

It seems likely that he’s treated you badly previously and you’ve nonetheless stayed in the relationship. It’s v unlikely to improve and would do yourself a favour and call it a day, with no further contact post breakup.

gonnascreamsoon · 25/03/2022 16:20

OP, he couldn't care less about you or your feelings, could he ?

The only 'talk' you need to have with him is 'Your belongings are in bin bags in the garden. It's over.'

Then block him.

beenwhereyouare · 25/03/2022 16:42

You weren't jealous until he gave you reason to be.

CambsAlways · 25/03/2022 16:49

Please get rid hes a bit of scum