Scared

[Fourhorses]

My husband and I are separating. We talked tonight about preparing the house for sale. Our marriage is dead and I feel like I’m going out of my mind. I’ve seen a therapist for a year and I still cannot trust my feelings. I feel like I’m going out of my mind. That I’ve made the whole thing up, that I’m destroying everything. It’s like me life since marriage has just been surreal. I am so scared.

This is probably the hardest part. Things may get worse again but will gradually start to get better I'm sure. I can only imagine how difficult it must be. Most of what stops me from doing the same is the fact I'd be devastating DH, and that it would hurt DS (although he's young and would likely adapt it does feel like something I'd be "doing" to him which makes me feel like a bad mother 😔)
Is your husband in agreement about the split?

Hi treasure thanks for the message, he’s not 100% but agrees we cannot go on like we are. And so yes I feel like I ‘doing’ it to him, but I also know I’m the only one who will say out loud we need to stop this madness.

Just off the phone to my mother, god she has an insane ability to take all the wind out of my sails and floor me. She continues as if nothing is happening, asked about the forthcoming weekend and I had to gently remind her ‘mum, you know we are separation’ to which she replied ‘I think you are a foolish girl’ in the nastiest tone, floored I said I know how you feel, then she repeated herself and hung up.

@treasure47 @Grenola

how are you girls doing?

Morning…..

I’m doing really well. The plaster was ripped off and the reality of living without him here is not only not as bad but so liberating.

I can now finally see clearly and see how unhealthy life has become.

how are you? Xx

It’s really happening now. My husband is moving out in July. He is a good and I feel so terrible.

Hand hold 😢

A good man

You need to do this, you've made good decisions up to now and this doesn't make you a bad person.
He's never going to step up or support you with the big decisions.
Your description of him sounds a lot like my dh's personality.
No fun, banter, intimacy etc. I agree about feeling invisible and feeling I have less personality than I'm sure I used to have...?
It is sad when a marriage ends but you're doing the right thing. It's so draining being married to this type of person.

He sounds a lot like my XH - also suspect he has autistic traits (so does he, but he works in the military and is terrified of losing his medical if anything were diagnosed so doesn’t see the point).

Honestly I was like a different person once we split. I ended up meeting someone the polar opposite of him (which had its own challenges!) But also showed me what I’d been missing by being with someone who had no humour and lightness in his life. It was like he had drained the colour out of everything, and then my new partner was fluorescent by contrast!

If it helps, my XH is now happier than before too, family life didn’t suit him, he needed his freedom and space to do what he wanted when he wanted. The busyness of a family was too much for him to cope with. Once we split he spent actual time with the DCs whereas before he’d hidden away in his office or out in the garage doing jobs.

We hear such horror stories about divorce and separated families, but that mainly comes about due to parents using the DCs as pawns in their arguments, court battles etc and of course poverty from being a one income household. If you can work together to make sure your DCs are protected from any arguments and that your financial settlement is fair on them as well as on you two, they will come out of it fine.

Your post really reminds me of where I was five years ago, I questioned myself at every stage but now we have a lovely amicable co parenting relationship and we are both in new relationships that are much more fulfilling, the kids are all happy. Please don't be hard on yourself, splitting with someone who is essentially a good man is very difficult, my mum told me no one would look at me in my 40s, divorced with five kids but she was so wrong, I've dated loads and realised I have a lot to offer, luckily now met the most amazing man although I was happy on my own, he makes me feel alive again and excited for the future

This is so similar to a friend of mine he is autistic but also abusive. Was just horrendous what it did to her MH.

If the family home doesn't work for you perhaps longer term it could be rented out and you rent somewhere more suitable?

Thanks so much everyone. I seem to want to discuss it less and less in real life. I just need to sit with it alone and find out who I am again.

he has just driven out with the kids, two little ones 6 and 3 for four days and I just feel so crushed. I do it’s right but it wish it didn’t feel so shit.

I go back and read this post again and again. Thank you to you all again for your responses. Feeling calmer and much more hopeful.

things are moving and life is going to change a lot in the coming weeks. Being able to read back on all your comments is so helpful. Thank you.

That's an amazing post for us self doubters. 💐

Hi……

once he has actually gone thjngs will feel so much easier. The bit in between is excruciating.

You will also start to view him in a different way…. The goodness you see him in right now will fade and the thjngs you chose to not see will come to the forefront.

im in the phase of indifference now…. Feeel happier than ever and only ever feel sad when I reflect on the short deal I slowed myself to trying and settle for.

keep talking talking to us xx

Thanks Grenola - how long has it been since your split?

Another thought for when you feel like you’re wrecking the children’s lives @Fourhorses - if one of your dc was in a marriage like yours, would you be happy? Of course not. You ARE doing the right thing, and I’m so sorry your mother was so unkind and unsympathetic in her response to you. Good luck with your new life, it may take a wee while - but it will be so much better. It will be real.

We select yes the same time as this thread and then he moved out on April 1st. And we’ve Slowly got in a pattern of him collecting the kids…. I’ve had to stand my ground a few times when he has tried to get away with less and I’ve had to majorly take the lead with planning the summer holidays. I do the lions share but he seems them every week.
we only chat about the boys and at drop offs it is short and sweet…. I’ve really started to see things for what they were and it’s very sad but empowering
I think your doing really week as it is drawn out for you…. Your living together and waiting for him to go… the week leading up to him leaving was trorture and the day he packed and went was sad. Telling the kids too was terrible but they have dealt with it very well because we both packaged it up as positive as possible

xx
xx

@Grenola I’m glad to hear you’re coping okay and staying firm looking after yourself.

Youre right it is torture. Considering we should have broken up ages ago, this is seriously drawn out. Which means as long as it’s live you keep questioning it, which makes you feel mad some of the time.

its T minus two weeks. I’m staying in the family home which we inherited from his family. Which to be honest I feel crap about, as I feel like I shouldn’t be here I suppose, or like a sponge. But we’re trying to keep things consistent for kids as much as possible and also he has said he doesn’t want to be here alone.

Also another thought as to why I am finding this all so hard.

My mother was a bit of a martyr and is quite messed up and resentful as a result.

it’s so hard to know what the balance is between sucking it up and getting on with things and then looking after yourself and your needs.

@Fourhorses i think the doubt will disappear once he has gone and you find a new pattern of living.
you will also start to realise what you need as a person. Without feelings of guilt attached. I’m just working this out, not putting me last in the list and also being firm eith EX about changing plans ect

I’ve just read this thread from the beginning and it resonates so much with me. Thank you so much to all for sharing. I want to leave but I haven’t built up the courage yet, I’m terrified of how he’ll react (he’s not violent)… and I’m terrified of losing my home (it was my nans house and it means so much, but I couldn’t afford it on my own).

Hi everyone,

An update from me. 2 months or so since my Ex husband. Everyone of my close friends are saying hang in there things will get easier. I instigated the split but I won’t lie, the shift in life is enormous. I feel the kids are being brave but struggling, the house is even quieter than it was, I may be paranoid but I feel like people keep their distance from me. You really find out who your good friends are.

I really don’t want to meet someone new (if possible at all) any time soon at all. But it’s hard to see the upside as a family. Yes we’ve set each other free but right now the costs seems to be so high.

My three year old is acting up and it is exhausting and heartbreaking. I found him awake in the middle of the night crying outside the room his dad used to sleep in. I consoled him but he wanted his Dad.

Yes we are living a more honest life which is what I wanted as our marriage was dead for years. We are on good cooperative terms, helping each other as much as we can. But the cost of all of this seems to have fallen on the children. Sometimes I wonder if we should have faked it for them.

please someone tell me this gets easier. X

Should read 2 months since my echos and moved out.

Just to add, I am heartbroken for him and the kids that they don’t see him as much, seems so unnatural. We are trying to do 50:50 as much but we are making all our decisions putting the kids and their stability first, if I can even say that after the split.

It's still incredibly early days be kind to yourself. You are all grieving for what should have been.

Month 3/4 being separated. THIS IS SO HARD AND LONELY.