Tired of DH always defaulting to "No."

[WeNeedSirSamuelVimesOnTheCase]

We've been together nearly twenty years and it's been this way for every major decision in our life - his instant, knee jerk response is "no."

• Should we move in together? No!
• Should we get married? No!
• Should we buy a house? No!
• Should we have children? No!

He always comes round - mainly because I've been very clear on all of those things that they're non-negotiable for me, although I've always been prepared to compromise. So we had a long engagement, a small wedding, a small, budget-friendly house, 2 DC instead of the 3 I wanted. He's admitted every time that they're all things that have made him happier and/or improved his life, and I understand it comes from a real fear of change - any change at all, even positive ones.

But it gets depressing. I don't want every change in our lives to preceded by months of fucking negotiations. I'd like to know, just once, what it feels like to have a life partner respond positively and with enthusiasm to the next step in our lives together.

Today I showed him a house that's just come on the market on our street. We've been in our house for 10 years now, and it's really too small, but we love the area and central location, so we agreed to stay put until we could afford something bigger nearby, as we really don't want to move further out.

So this house is pretty much perfect - same location, but bigger, and within budget. Comfortably so, too. And I showed it to him and just got a flat no.

He'll come round, I know. He already knows he's upset me and is trying to "cheer me up" - without actually doing the grown up thing of discussing what I'm upset about, of course. But when he does, it'll be like every other decision in our lives - me driving it, and him somewhat reluctantly going along for the ride.

I just wish we could approach these things more as a team. I hate feeling I've pushed him into everything. And there's never any discussion - he goes from "no" to "fine, whatever you want." I want it to be about what we want. But I suspect what he wants is just to trundle on forever with nothing ever changing.

In case it needs saying, I love him very much. He's a kind, loving, supportive man who adores me and our kids, and he's a brilliant, hands-on dad. I have no plans to LTB. But I wish I didn't fight these battles every single time.

Does this make sense? Or am I just being too demanding?

Does he ever give you proper reasons or just a flat no with no rationale? Either way it sounds exhausting though.

My DH default is also no. I no longer ask things. More like ‘I’ve got a house viewing at 11’

Then he sees the house and wants to buy it. Etc.

I have nothing to offer at all but I have EXACTLY this problem. Shall we get a dog? No. Shall we save to go on holiday to Disneyworld? No. Shall we save for an extension? No. Shall we get married? No. Children? No. Everything has been a battle. His parents are very cautious and anxious with money and research any purchase more than £5 for hours (no exaggeration). So I blame them. It’s soul destroying as a partner and I do feel like a bully when anything is talked about that is doing something new or progressing.

Watching this with interest.

There's always some sort of vague "not yet" reason. We're too young, it's too soon, it's too expensive. We got married and had kids and bought a house in our 30s, and had been together for years by then, so it's not like I rushed him into anything - as if I could!

He's just stubborn and hates change. I get it. I'd just give anything to hear "yes, let's!" just once in our lives.

Same here. Been doing it for 15 years now. My advice? Get out and find someone more positive and proactive. Honestly it gets really dull, boring and soul destroying.

My DH does a much milder version of this. I build in extra lead-in time to allow him to acclimatise to each new idea. Which he does.

He was not up for moving house. Later fully admits it was excellent decision.

I think in your shoes I'd pick a time when there wasn't a particular issue on the table and then explain the impact this habit of his has on you. Giving specific examples and explaining the emotional toll it takes.

It's not you. It's exhausting.

I had one like this. Mind you sometimes he used to mix it up with saying yes, and then after the event saying whatever it was was a disaster and he'd never agreed to it. He was the most passive aggressive person I'd ever met in the end, had to be the nice guy so I had to be the baddie. I think what was driving it was severe anxiety and low self esteem, he was never good enough for his parents so he transferred it on to me.

my ex was like this. I gave him every opportunity to say no to things if he really meant it and several really big choices including number of kids and where to live went "his way". Didn't stop him telling me and everyone else when we split up that I manipulated him and he'd never wanted any of the houses, kids, marriage or any of it. Eventually I told him that saying that made him either a spineless twat or a liar, which would he prefer? Sorry OP, not directly relevant to you exactly but I do remember how irritating and exhausting it was to always be the driving force and to have that turned back on me later was very hurtful. Does he acknowledge this dynamic? Is it something you can talk about or would he just get defensive?

Have you spoken to him about his constant denial of you suggestions. If not its definitely something to do. Some people do just fear change and challenges and are happy with the status quo as they feel safer then, but the constant no is very wearing.

my exH was very impulsive and gave little thought to things and I had to constantly say no to him. He wanted to buy a rolls royce for instance, an old one to be precise but totally impractical for us. He wanted a caravan even though we had no where to store it and i worked every weekend...you get the idea. Not the same i know but the saying no is just as wearing as having it said to you.

I have got a dh like this too but mostly with holidays.
Drives me mad cos he always agrees in the end but it sucks the joy out of it.

Honestly - you need to sit him down and tell
him how joyless life is like this. He needs to understand your perspective clearly. He most
likely doesn't see how his negative responses affect you. Then he has to agree to try and change. Good luck!

I remember when my (now ex) SIL came to visit, she remarked on the vast red leather sofa in the living room and simply said "you're good for him you know, left to his own devices the house would be a symphony of beige".

I never forgot it, and it turned out to be true, he basically put me front and centre for any "out there" decisions so he couldn't be mocked or blamed? It didn't work out for us but I can see how some men carry on like that, they don't want to be responsible for decisions so it's easier to pretend they never wanted things from the outset. I find it quite annoying now.

I can empathise as I have this situation too, my friend also experiences this with a partner. My H and her partner get very very anxious when there's any money to be spent on anything big or that they deem as unnecessary. My H rarely if ever wanted to go on holiday, I said holidays were my main joy in life and one of the reasons I work so hard. I think he just views them as an unnecessary frivolity. He's always come along but on a few hrs sulked and not joined in which has taken the shine off. However he's now agreed to be more positive and proactive with holidays and actually join in not sulkily stare at his phone for hours. It became a bit of a deal breaker to be honest.

@Frenziedandfurious oh I feel your pain on that one. The ex and I went on one holiday, in Ireland, with his whole family and it was essentially me doing all the same housework in a different house!

DS and I have been all over the World since we separated and luckily he's getting my sense of adventure rather than his father's fear of the 'forrin'.

I have this too. I used to get very upset because I interpreted no as no - rather than the initial stages of a protracted negotiation- and found it maddeningly unreasonable to not discuss or consider whatever it was I’d proposed. Then I learnt the rules of the game and waited it out. However, this gets really wearing. Especially in the case of things like going on holiday or buying tickets to something, where waiting means prices going up or losing out altogether. I know with holidays, for example, that if I propose something my dp will balk at the price and by the time he comes round to committing to the exact same holiday it will cost more.

The latest stage, though, is the eggshells stage. It was ok when my plans worked out, but our last house move was not a success (neighbours) and I have been blamed for wanting the move. We’re now in a limbo as he won’t suggest how to move on and I know if I push it I’ll be blamed if it doesn’t work out. I feel genuinely tempted to move alone so that I’m only responsible for myself.

Yes same here. It's depressing and annoying ALWAYS having to play the long game, but long game it is and I 'usually' get what I'd like so I hang in there. It'd be so lovely just to have someone that's onboard and in-tune rather than someone who eventually gets there. I hear ya!

My ex used to do this, but mostly for stuff that required spending money. Anything from buying a house to buying an ice cream, but he would never "come around". I ended up living a very boring life, not very many possession, no house, no travels. I felt worse when I realized that he was not just stingy, he was only that when it came to me and the kids but if he himself needed something, he would splurge. Eventually I could not take it any more and left him, of course not just for this, but he was controlling, manipulative end abusive overall, he sucked all the life out of me.

Does this help or confuse:
My DW comes up with good ideas which surprise me and I say NO.
Then I realise she has been plotting (in the nicest possible way) a house move for six weeks or a holiday for three weeks.
Neither scenario has even passed through my brain cells. So I get handed a well thought out scheme that has been researched and tested on her mates.
I want a few weeks to work it out as well.
We are not building a plan together I have to dismantle an entrenched position and then explain why it won't work for us. It is usually money and budget that ruins her soufflés.
But we understand each other and been together for a good few years. Wouldn't change her for the world. (mostly! )
Maybe speak up earlier and make it a joint decision rather than a negotiation. Maybe I have missed the point.

I feel your pain. I had one like this on steroids. I left in the end as others have said, the constant stubborn stone wall act is utterly soul destroying.
There is definitely more to life than some miserable stick in the mud constantly saying no!!!
Good luck, I hope you manage to talk your very own Victor Meldrew round💐

I'd have shown him the door years ago. It sounds exhausting.

How does it work if he really doesn’t want to move or really doesn’t want more kids ?

Compose a tick box form about it and give it to him with a pen, and say if you do not want to discuss this then perhaps you could communicate by this means please.

@James44

Does this help or confuse: My DW comes up with good ideas which surprise me and I say NO. Then I realise she has been plotting (in the nicest possible way) a house move for six weeks or a holiday for three weeks. Neither scenario has even passed through my brain cells. So I get handed a well thought out scheme that has been researched and tested on her mates. I want a few weeks to work it out as well. We are not building a plan together I have to dismantle an entrenched position and then explain why it won't work for us. It is usually money and budget that ruins her soufflés. But we understand each other and been together for a good few years. Wouldn't change her for the world. (mostly! ) Maybe speak up earlier and make it a joint decision rather than a negotiation. Maybe I have missed the point.

My ex was like this, she would have an idea about doing something and some as I put my opinion forward she would take it a personal criticism to her, was exhausting

If a cautious personality prone to kneejerk negativity drives you up the wall why did you marry one?

That sounds flippant but this is his character, this has always been his character, it's not going to change, and knowing this you married him. I don't get it. You were free to find a positive, risk-taking man instead.

No one's ever going to be perfect but when you commit to marriage/a life relationship, you know you have to accept your partner's flaws rather than complaining that they're not someone different.

Because he's also kind, loving, funny, intelligent, caring, faithful, devoted, generous, considerate, gentle, and he adores me too. But I dispute that I'm not allowed to complain after almost two decades of "no".

A PP said it's about playing the long game, and that's exactly what it is. His mum told me years ago "try and force him to do something and he never will - so just plant the seed and walk away, and he'll come round." And it's true, he does. Doesn't mean the long time never gets tiring, or frankly, boring.

He knows we need a bigger house. He wants to stay in this area even more than I do. He doesn't want to stretch us too far financially - and I'm completely on board with that, btw, I'm absolutely not gunning for a massive house we can't afford. But when something bigger and affordable and on the same fucking street suddenly becomes a possibility, then yes, I did think this time I might get a more positive reaction.