Tired of DH always defaulting to "No."

[WeNeedSirSamuelVimesOnTheCase]

We've been together nearly twenty years and it's been this way for every major decision in our life - his instant, knee jerk response is "no."

• Should we move in together? No!
• Should we get married? No!
• Should we buy a house? No!
• Should we have children? No!

He always comes round - mainly because I've been very clear on all of those things that they're non-negotiable for me, although I've always been prepared to compromise. So we had a long engagement, a small wedding, a small, budget-friendly house, 2 DC instead of the 3 I wanted. He's admitted every time that they're all things that have made him happier and/or improved his life, and I understand it comes from a real fear of change - any change at all, even positive ones.

But it gets depressing. I don't want every change in our lives to preceded by months of fucking negotiations. I'd like to know, just once, what it feels like to have a life partner respond positively and with enthusiasm to the next step in our lives together.

Today I showed him a house that's just come on the market on our street. We've been in our house for 10 years now, and it's really too small, but we love the area and central location, so we agreed to stay put until we could afford something bigger nearby, as we really don't want to move further out.

So this house is pretty much perfect - same location, but bigger, and within budget. Comfortably so, too. And I showed it to him and just got a flat no.

He'll come round, I know. He already knows he's upset me and is trying to "cheer me up" - without actually doing the grown up thing of discussing what I'm upset about, of course. But when he does, it'll be like every other decision in our lives - me driving it, and him somewhat reluctantly going along for the ride.

I just wish we could approach these things more as a team. I hate feeling I've pushed him into everything. And there's never any discussion - he goes from "no" to "fine, whatever you want." I want it to be about what we want. But I suspect what he wants is just to trundle on forever with nothing ever changing.

In case it needs saying, I love him very much. He's a kind, loving, supportive man who adores me and our kids, and he's a brilliant, hands-on dad. I have no plans to LTB. But I wish I didn't fight these battles every single time.

Does this make sense? Or am I just being too demanding?

Are we married to the same guy OP ?
DH has to be lengthy negotiated into all you listed
If its not a "mmmmmm i dont know maybe well see ..." its " i trust your judgment "
Exhausting.

Following so I can look back at this tomorrow with a straight head. We have 3 children and every reaction on his part was ‘for fucks sake’. We were engaged for 6 years until I gave up trying to pin him down for a wedding. He’s bought two houses with his mum who takes all the profit but I’m still having to rent with him.

I’d be clear- you owe me a yes, today. I want a heartfelt yes samuel, I love our dc and having them was a great idea. Im happy I married you and that was a good idea too. It’s been good owning a house and I appreciate you dragging me to make all of these positive decisions for our life, and I recognise it’s not supposed to be JUST your job. Those were all good decisions, I’m sorry for making them so hard and I trust you, let’s go look at this house.

I’d probably scream it tbh as I’d be so mad at this.

I feel your pain OP. I have the ultimate no dh.
He sold our family home whilst we were renting because of his job. I said do not sell it unless we're buying again. 2 years later and you can imagine how I felt watching the prices going up. Every single house I said let's see, no.
We will have been renting 3 years this year. And it's still no.

Same with holidays. Constant, no.
Then I just get so upset and cry, not to manipulate him but I'm genuinely upset about everything and he'll maybe lift a finger but it's mainly me steering the ship and him boarding at the last minute in a panic. As others have said I'm beginning to wonder if it's low self esteem and he can't make a decision for fear of making the wrong one but I'm so tired and weary of this life. I hope you manage to turn him around but sorry to say I'm not sure it's ever possible.

Oh and second dc? No, even though I'd always said I wanted three.

I've got a DH who's a bit like this as well. All large decisions I've had to initiate and to be honest he does always say they were the right thing once they've happened. I think in his case he a worrier about finances and is very black and white in that regard and if he thinks we'd struggle for a while it makes him feel very insecure. He is beginning to feel as if he can lighten up about finances a little at the moment and it has had a big effect on our relationship.

Well I've gone ahead and booked a viewing of the house for Saturday morning, plus a valuation of ours with the same agent for Friday morning, so if we like it we can get ours straight on the market.

Texted DH to let him know, just got an "ok" in response.

He knows we need a bigger house. He wants to stay in this area even more than I do.
Well I've gone ahead and booked a viewing of the house for Saturday morning
You shouldn't have to play games but ...
book to view another house in entirely unsuitable location. That way your preferred house becomes "the lesser of two evils".

I understand this.
Everything is like trying to coax a stubborn small child to put their shoes on.

Why does he get the final say?

Like that house in your area. You know if you can afford it or not.

What would happen if you said after he says, no.
"Well that's fine. I'm going to make an appointment to look at it. "

Or instead of asking for permission or something that can be answered yes or not, why not just tell him what you're doing.

Looks like the thread has already progressed far since the first bit I read!
Best wishes on the house viewing!

Fuck that’s exhausting. I had one like that. Reader I divorced him. He was a joy-sucking arse that defended his entrenched position because it was HIS position. It’s an ugly ugly trait.

That sounds very frustrating, I feel for you! It does seem like he comes round eventually though so hopefully this will be another one of those times, good luck with the house

My ex was a bit like this and it split us up in the end. Apart from his was always an obviously reluctant "yes, if you really want too" and then do nothing about it and even sometimes position things to make it harder to happen.

Every relationship step I asked for first and had to push for. It took me 3 years to persuade him into a first house viewing and two further years fir him to say he liked one. Which he wanted to pull out of repeatedly during the process. Luckily the sellers pulled out themselves as their purchase fell through.

At this point, I was exhausted and felt very lonely. During the ensuring row, he expressed the opinion that he thought there was always going to be something else I wanted and that was exhausting for him. I decided then and there that I wasn't prepared for another attempt at buying a house with him and then have to start the negotiations about marriage and children (which he had always known were non-negiotiable for me)

I had bought and moved into a new house within 8 months of us splitting up and the whole process felt so easy in comparison! His approach to life always made me feel like I had to prove myself to be "good enough"

Honestly if someone said no to me asking to move in together, I'd not have hung around to ask the other questions.

Negotiate and talk him round to the basics of a healthy relationship? No thanks.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Honestly if someone said no to me asking to move in together, I'd not have hung around to ask the other questions.

Negotiate and talk him round to the basics of a healthy relationship? No thanks.

That was actually what I did, and it was swiftly followed by a heartfelt apology and a request to please move in with him.

What we have realised about each other is that his default is "no" but it can almost always be turned into a yes; whereas I'm much more flexible and very rarely give a flat "no" - but my hard lines are exactly that and won't budge. If he hadn't agreed to marriage, house and children, I wouldn't have stayed with him - but I'm prepared to compromise on just about everything else.

I know you're only getting one side of him here, but he's really a fantastic guy. I'm the one my friends always say "oh you're so lucky to have him!" (Though I don't think it's luck, I think they just put up with a lot of crap!)

We'll look at the house and then take it from there, it may not even be right for us once we see it. But we do need to see it before saying "no"!

@ChiselandBits

my ex was like this. I gave him every opportunity to say no to things if he really meant it and several really big choices including number of kids and where to live went "his way". Didn't stop him telling me and everyone else when we split up that I manipulated him and he'd never wanted any of the houses, kids, marriage or any of it. Eventually I told him that saying that made him either a spineless twat or a liar, which would he prefer? Sorry OP, not directly relevant to you exactly but I do remember how irritating and exhausting it was to always be the driving force and to have that turned back on me later was very hurtful. Does he acknowledge this dynamic? Is it something you can talk about or would he just get defensive?

Same here, though he would never say "no". At first he'd just go along with it. Much later he'd say nothing but then drag his feet. He tended to be late a lot anyway, so I just thought it was him dawdling. He never offered any alternative ideas of his own, or discussed not wanting to do it. But then when he had an affair it meant he could say I'd bullied him into marriage and children. Though I know that wasn't the case, I'm still sorry I didn't choose someone who played an active role in the relationship. I now have a pretty casual LAT style relationship but still appreciate little things like him suggesting a holiday together, him asking if I want to go to a concert, him saying what he's going to cook for dinner.

If you say that your dp is loving and thoughtful OP, then that sounds mildly positive at least. Do you have any idea where this comes from? Childhood events or anything? My ex's parents were very controlling, so he was used to being told what to do - fell into that role easily - but also resented it.

I know you're staying with him but this would grind me down over the years.

In fact (I think you've spoken to him about it) I'd speak to him about why is 'no' always his default. Ask him if he'd like it if your default answer was always no.

It's interesting you say this too as some people are more passive.

Was speaking to best friend's elderly mother about why they bought/moved into their house (big) years ago. She said, I had two young children, a smaller house, saw this one for sale, went to see it without DH and then decided we would buy it. She definitely was more forceful and knew what she wanted and knew her DH would like the house - they stayed there until he died sadly.

@WeNeedSirSamuelVimesOnTheCase

Well I've gone ahead and booked a viewing of the house for Saturday morning, plus a valuation of ours with the same agent for Friday morning, so if we like it we can get ours straight on the market.

Texted DH to let him know, just got an "ok" in response.

Well done! Perhaps this is the way to go in future - and takes any pressure off him if you are doing the mental load/legwork. I know this shouldn't really be on you but if it's effective, and you can accept it (though I'm unsure I could...) then that's great.

Hope the house is what you're looking for and things are more positive from here. 🌹

My ex was like this. Was reluctant or negative or disinterested in having kids, getting dog, moving house etc etc. He also planned absolutely nothing for us. No days out, holidays, weekend activities. Life was very dull with him.

I couldn't be married to a fun/joy sponge.
I also couldn't be the only one in a relationship who had no ideas/ambition/drive/creativity/dreams.

No one's perfect, but the characteristics your dh has are the opposite of what I find interesting in anyone. It sounds like spending your life with a petulant child you have to nanny forever.

• I also couldn't be the only one in a relationship who had ideas/ambition/drive/creativity/dreams.

I think you're reading a lot into my post that I didn't put in there, @99pronouns!

DH absolutely struggles with big changes. Our DD is autistic, and struggles similarly with change - DH has a beard that he's wanted to shave off for years, but won't because the idea upsets her so much.

But that doesn't mean he never does anything or drives anything. He's organised some fabulous holidays for us over the years. Three weeks travelling round Australia, a fortnight in the Maldives over Christmas and New Year, a fabulous AI hotel in Greece for my 40th where I didn't have to lift a finger.

He's never forgotten my birthday or an anniversary, and always gives the most thoughtful gifts. Mother's Day I get spoilt rotten, and as the kids are young that's all driven by him. He's very quick to pick up if I'm struggling or feeling a bit down and to do something about it - I've been packed off to a spa hotel more than once when he's decided I need a break.

He remembers and takes responsibility for all his family's birthdays, no "wife work" for me there. At Christmas he sorts out his own family too, and mucks in with choosing and buying for our DC. All family admin is managed by him, down to booking for school trips, and choosing the kids' school lunches with him. He sits down with them every weekend to help them with their homework.

I tend to do more childcare, housework and gardening, but that's because he works full-time and I'm freelance. I tend to be either working flat-out or doing nothing at all - when it's the former, he picks up more of those things.

He's funny - genuinely makes me laugh more than anyone I know - and very intelligent. He takes a compassionate interest in the world around him, and we have some fascinating conversations and debates together.

I love him very much and feel very lucky to have him. I do find his resistance to change frustrating, and had the wind taken out of my sails the other night, because honestly when I saw the listing the other night it may as well have been stamped "the perfect home for your family", and I couldn't understand his lack of enthusiasm. But 'twas ever thus, and over the course of our relationship, it's not the worst thing in the world. He always catches up to me in the end.

So, for anyone saying they "couldn't be in a relationship with a man like that" - no, you couldn't, he's mine and I'm keeping him!

I stopped asking and started telling what I want. Instead of "Shall we go to the cinema?" I say "I'm booking tickets for the cinema on Saturday. Do you want to come too?".

@WeNeedSirSamuelVimesOnTheCase

I think you're reading a lot into my post that I didn't put in there, *@99pronouns*!

DH absolutely struggles with big changes. Our DD is autistic, and struggles similarly with change - DH has a beard that he's wanted to shave off for years, but won't because the idea upsets her so much.

But that doesn't mean he never does anything or drives anything. He's organised some fabulous holidays for us over the years. Three weeks travelling round Australia, a fortnight in the Maldives over Christmas and New Year, a fabulous AI hotel in Greece for my 40th where I didn't have to lift a finger.

He's never forgotten my birthday or an anniversary, and always gives the most thoughtful gifts. Mother's Day I get spoilt rotten, and as the kids are young that's all driven by him. He's very quick to pick up if I'm struggling or feeling a bit down and to do something about it - I've been packed off to a spa hotel more than once when he's decided I need a break.

He remembers and takes responsibility for all his family's birthdays, no "wife work" for me there. At Christmas he sorts out his own family too, and mucks in with choosing and buying for our DC. All family admin is managed by him, down to booking for school trips, and choosing the kids' school lunches with him. He sits down with them every weekend to help them with their homework.

I tend to do more childcare, housework and gardening, but that's because he works full-time and I'm freelance. I tend to be either working flat-out or doing nothing at all - when it's the former, he picks up more of those things.

He's funny - genuinely makes me laugh more than anyone I know - and very intelligent. He takes a compassionate interest in the world around him, and we have some fascinating conversations and debates together.

I love him very much and feel very lucky to have him. I do find his resistance to change frustrating, and had the wind taken out of my sails the other night, because honestly when I saw the listing the other night it may as well have been stamped "the perfect home for your family", and I couldn't understand his lack of enthusiasm. But 'twas ever thus, and over the course of our relationship, it's not the worst thing in the world. He always catches up to me in the end.

So, for anyone saying they "couldn't be in a relationship with a man like that" - no, you couldn't, he's mine and I'm keeping him!

Great, there's a lid for every pot!