Tired of DH always defaulting to "No."

[WeNeedSirSamuelVimesOnTheCase]

We've been together nearly twenty years and it's been this way for every major decision in our life - his instant, knee jerk response is "no."

• Should we move in together? No!
• Should we get married? No!
• Should we buy a house? No!
• Should we have children? No!

He always comes round - mainly because I've been very clear on all of those things that they're non-negotiable for me, although I've always been prepared to compromise. So we had a long engagement, a small wedding, a small, budget-friendly house, 2 DC instead of the 3 I wanted. He's admitted every time that they're all things that have made him happier and/or improved his life, and I understand it comes from a real fear of change - any change at all, even positive ones.

But it gets depressing. I don't want every change in our lives to preceded by months of fucking negotiations. I'd like to know, just once, what it feels like to have a life partner respond positively and with enthusiasm to the next step in our lives together.

Today I showed him a house that's just come on the market on our street. We've been in our house for 10 years now, and it's really too small, but we love the area and central location, so we agreed to stay put until we could afford something bigger nearby, as we really don't want to move further out.

So this house is pretty much perfect - same location, but bigger, and within budget. Comfortably so, too. And I showed it to him and just got a flat no.

He'll come round, I know. He already knows he's upset me and is trying to "cheer me up" - without actually doing the grown up thing of discussing what I'm upset about, of course. But when he does, it'll be like every other decision in our lives - me driving it, and him somewhat reluctantly going along for the ride.

I just wish we could approach these things more as a team. I hate feeling I've pushed him into everything. And there's never any discussion - he goes from "no" to "fine, whatever you want." I want it to be about what we want. But I suspect what he wants is just to trundle on forever with nothing ever changing.

In case it needs saying, I love him very much. He's a kind, loving, supportive man who adores me and our kids, and he's a brilliant, hands-on dad. I have no plans to LTB. But I wish I didn't fight these battles every single time.

Does this make sense? Or am I just being too demanding?

Neither scenario has even passed through my brain cells. So I get handed a well thought out scheme that has been researched and tested on her mates

I’m wondering @James44 if you ever take any responsibility for organising holidays yourself? I ask merely that my DH has never in 15 years ever suggested a holiday, researched anything without being asked, bought tickets for a show or band - called me up and said “ do you fancy doing this…” so I have become the social secretary. I find that tiring enough and he’s easy going but to have a continual no at the end would be infuriating and completely exhausting. If it extended to bigger decisions like house buying I’m not sure I could stand to stick around.

@Calamityjane1987

I have nothing to offer at all but I have EXACTLY this problem. Shall we get a dog? No. Shall we save to go on holiday to Disneyworld? No. Shall we save for an extension? No. Shall we get married? No. Children? No. Everything has been a battle. His parents are very cautious and anxious with money and research any purchase more than £5 for hours (no exaggeration). So I blame them. It’s soul destroying as a partner and I do feel like a bully when anything is talked about that is doing something new or progressing.

Watching this with interest.

Do we have the same DH and PIL??

Isn’t it EXHAUSTINGLY tedious.

My ex was in sales, and during his training he learned that you never ask a customer a question to which the answer can be 'No'.

Phrase things differently. So for instance if you want to arrange a house viewing, don't say "Shall we...?", say "Which day would be better, Saturday or Sunday?".

Just nag away yill you get your own way. My DH is a big ditherer. So that means a wrong decision is always my fault.

There's a good scene in Sexy Beast where Ben Kingsley aggressively says "no!" on repeat, Adam Buxton samples it in his podcast. My husband and I listen to his podcast. When I ask him something he always says no, and then i do the Ben Kingsley 'no no no no no no' thing and then we both laugh at him because it's a much more extreme version of what he does!
First my husband procrastinates about everything, it drives me mad, so i know he will say no and that he will warm up to things. Secondly, a lot of the time I just do what i want anyway like book holidays, or change our car, but I do bring in most of our household income and he isn't really interested in those decisions so it sort of works out. Good luck just keep talking about it. I think most men prefer the status quo.

My EXH was like this and I eventually left because of it. Not saying that you should but I completely understand how mentally and emotionally draining it is. I used to describe it as, 'he sees the no in everything'. He would always see the reasons why we couldn't do something and it meant that I wasn't living my life by default. I absolutely hated it.

I would have left him after he replied No to the question about moving in together.

The real question here is why you didn't take that first big No for your answer.

@mathanxiety

I would have left him after he replied No to the question about moving in together.

The real question here is why you didn't take that first big No for your answer.

Good grief, did you read none of my previous posts?!

As it happened, I did. And he apologised and asked me to please move in with him. His default to any change is "no", but he usually gets over it, especially when he realises his no will mean he misses out - or loses someone he loves.

Please stop trying to make me out be some desperate woman struggling to hang on to an unwilling man. We adore each other and despite our ups and downs over the years, we really make each other very happy.

There's a minority on Mumsnet determined that every relationship must be an unhappy one!

Fair enough, but why do you keep on swinging ideas past him if you know his default is no but he will be happy once it happens?

Ok, that's a good question. I don't have an answer, really...triumph of optimism over experience?!

@James44

Does this help or confuse: My DW comes up with good ideas which surprise me and I say NO. Then I realise she has been plotting (in the nicest possible way) a house move for six weeks or a holiday for three weeks. Neither scenario has even passed through my brain cells. So I get handed a well thought out scheme that has been researched and tested on her mates. I want a few weeks to work it out as well. We are not building a plan together I have to dismantle an entrenched position and then explain why it won't work for us. It is usually money and budget that ruins her soufflés. But we understand each other and been together for a good few years. Wouldn't change her for the world. (mostly! ) Maybe speak up earlier and make it a joint decision rather than a negotiation. Maybe I have missed the point.

Exactly what someone else said about what do you contribute to ideas and planning? If nothing, I don’t have to wait my plans for you to come on board. As I say to Dh re getting things done, If I’m doing all the thinking and analysis and decisions then I’m management and your job is to do the tasks, when I ask. You want more of a say, join the planning and analysis team, it’s up to you.

@timeisnotaline that’s one of the best things I’ve ever read on here.

Well, we went to see the house yesterday and whilst it was lovely, it wasn't quite right for us. The main sticking point was the kitchen - it was smaller than ours, with less cupboard space and counter space. I love to cook, and I love my big kitchen that was designed to my exact specifications a few years ago, and I know I'd miss it if we moved to this one.

So matrimonial harmony is restored, and we're back to our previous plan of getting our eldest into secondary, and then deciding if we want to move or extend. Hopefully as this won't be sprung on him DH won't panic and default to "no!"

@AgathaMystery

My DH default is also no. I no longer ask things. More like ‘I’ve got a house viewing at 11’

Then he sees the house and wants to buy it. Etc.

This.

Stop asking and start telling.

Sounds exhausting though he has been consistent in his negativity!

I'm afraid I'm like your DH. I can decide things that only affect me, but I'm terrified of getting it wrong for others and them being mad/ disappointed at me. Part of it is personality, part of it is because I was in an abusive relationship for years and even though I realise it's very annoying, it's really difficult to change my mind set.

Just speaking from the other side as I get why it would irritate you.

Hi my husband is exactly like this and he has Aspergers, so do both our children. Totally unable to make any decisions and unable to have an opinion about the relationship. It s so difficult that my daughter literally can't make a decision about what to eat. It is massively frustrating but they can't help it. It is part of the condition, we were living together for ten years before we got married and it was still hard. Any changes have taken so much support and patience. It was easier before kids but we now have two with asd. I wish I'd have known the lifelong consequences of my decisions.