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Original poster

Husband Moved On

54 replies

Sky007 · 21/03/2022 19:09

Hi

My husband and I separated in December and are nearly through the divorce. We had both been unhappy for a couple of years but he said he wanted to make it work but too much had happened for me to see past it.

After we agreed to separate he has been telling everyone how devastated he is and how he has to buy things to cheer himself up.

A friend of mine then spotted him out on a date who he met on Tinder and when I asked him about it he had been chatting to her for 3 weeks and met her 3 times that first week and reguarly since.

I am fine with him moving on and totally accept that but what I don't understand is why he kept saying 'this isn't what I want, I can't believe you're doing this etc' and in a matter of 3-4 weeks joining Tinder, subscribing and meeting someone.

Do men who are supposedly broken move on that fast or might he have just been telling people that when he wasn't that upset.

Interested in thoughts.

Thanks

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 21/03/2022 19:15

Don't think there's any set rules for men or women. It's really an individual thing. I waited a year maybe 18 months before dating. Some men will want that comfort straight away or perhaps are just looking for sex.
For me it was to just get out and meet a few people.

HaggisBurger · 21/03/2022 19:16

My ex did the same. Literally about 3 weeks after I ended a 21 year marriage.
Men often do - not least it’s a distraction and an ego boost. There is the novelty too of OLD if it’s a long relationship and they have never had that candy store feeling that can appeal. Before the reality sets in.
I can’t say I wasn’t a bit hurt so your feelings are natural.
My ex Dh was v indiscreet about it and spent an awful lot of time grinning like a loon at his phone. My kids were aware and so I did ask to be more discreet. I also told him to be wary of women whose boundaries were so poor they didn’t see a red flag in a bloke 2 weeks out of a 21 year marriage (whilst at the same time accepting ther he was free to do as he wished).

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 19:24

Mine wept and wailed about what a horrible unfair bitch I was and how I’d ruined his life and was obviously having a mental breakdown, spread his full on character assassination far and wide and then got remarried a few short months later to someone he met online (who needed a visa…). He carried on slagging me off for years, which I never understood as if I hadn’t cruelly left him (for being violent and abusive) he’d never have met his damsel in distress.

What can you do?

pumpkinpie01 · 21/03/2022 19:27

Lots of men struggle to be alone and jump straight into another relationship , they don't seem to want that feeling of independence.

Original poster
Sky007 · 21/03/2022 19:27

@HaggisBurger - Seems to happen a lot. Mine was discreet until he was spotted. Now it's in the open and he was even going to invite her back here for a meal while I was away for the weekend. We're not in separate houses but will be soon. He saw no issue with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sky007 · 21/03/2022 19:28

@AnneLovesGilbert - yep nothing you can do. Just don't understand the going from devastated and telling everyone who will listen as much to actually quite enjoying dating again.

OP posts:
bluesberry · 21/03/2022 19:35

Yes it's very very common for men to do this! They are normally nowhere near over their break ups though!

SailingNotSurfing · 21/03/2022 19:36

My ex-boyfriend was supposedly broken hearted when I ended our relationship after one punch to the head too many. Within weeks, he was dating someone else, within months, they were engaged.

Me?

I was delighted to get shot of the abusive cunt, but also worried for his new girlfriend. He was one of those men who are charismatic and charming at first, until the novelty wears off, and the real violent bully is revealed.

I've no idea what he's doing or who he's with now, but the lightening speed at which he moved on was almost amusing.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 21/03/2022 19:38

I did tinder for a bit and was stunned by the men still living with their ex's, but you know not together. I told one I wasn't interested for that reason and he got arsey with me lol. You do have to wonder about how desperate the women are that are ok with it.

Sunnytwobridges · 21/03/2022 19:39

Almost every man that I've known moves on quite quickly after a breakup. But I do know some women that have done the same as well.

Iamnotamermaid · 21/03/2022 19:43

Men struggle to be on their own, they really don't cope well with it, especially if they have been living with someone. They need someone there, almost anyone.

Where I used to work there used to be a constant group of divorced or getting divorced men who went round the bars and clubs together trying to find their next partner.

CornishGem1975 · 21/03/2022 19:47

Because maybe it wasn't what he wanted - that could be the honest truth - you said he wanted to make it work but you didn't. Perhaps he is lonely - the divorce is neatly done, he knows there is no going back so he's moving forward and for most people that starts with dating.

You can still be devastated by the end of a marriage AND date other people, and even enjoy it. Doesn't mean that you're not sad about what happened, just means you've accepted it and are ready to move forward with your life.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/03/2022 19:48

It was rhetorical, what they do vs what they say makes no sense at all!

Ringmaster27 · 21/03/2022 19:49

My ex and I split last autumn. All very amicable and we are coparenting well. I haven’t done the online dating thing, but did go out with someone I’ve known for a while in December, and we’ve been seeing each other ever since.
As far as I’m aware, exH hasn’t met anyone, gone out on any dates or gone on dating apps. But I hope he does. I really want him to move on and be happy!
I don’t think there’s really a set timeline. For me, it just felt right, so I went with it.

HeDidWhattt · 21/03/2022 19:50

They say the quickest way to get over someone is to get under another.
It’s true, more men do it than women though. Women tend to use the word rebound.

Old is know for going sour rather quickly so doubt they will still be dating this time next month. Doesn’t mean he still don’t love you, just means he will love you even more once he realises how shit on line dating is

M0RVEN · 21/03/2022 19:53

I think the “ devastation “ isn’t feel heartbroken because they loved you so much . It’s anger because of all the convenient things you brought to their life that are now gone.

With a touch of hurt pride that anyone would dump someone as wonderful as them.

They are smart enough to know they can’t go around saying “ Fucking hell, housework is harder than I thought. And who knew it was so much effort to change your electricity provider and get a new quote for house insurance? “

Or “ I really miss having a shag when I want one without having to make any effort”.

So they tell everyone how much they loved you.

That’s why they are so desperate to get another live in partner ASAP. It validates their opinion that they are a great catch and that the only reason you would dump then is because you are a cheating whore AND it also replaces your services.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/03/2022 20:01

I was on OLD two weeks after we split from a 20 year marriage. Because... I'd been plodding along for the sake of the kids for about 8 years, didn't realise it, just shoved the feelings down and got on with it. When he left, it was like a weight lifted off and I realised I hadn't been in love for years. So, it was kind of 2 weeks but actually, my 'mourning' had been going on for years prior.

FridaynightCry · 21/03/2022 20:03

Please dont lump all men into the same group.
When you click with someone, you click. It can be instant.
Just accept it and move on.

noirchatsdeux · 21/03/2022 20:06

My first husband made out he was 'beyond devastated' when I left...within 2 weeks he had a girlfriend. He ended up marrying her 5 years later, has two daughters with her.

I felt a bit insulted, but mainly amused, as I knew he was putting the whole 'devastated' act on in the first place...

gogohm · 21/03/2022 20:09

There's no set pattern but those of us who gradually grew apart often move on quicker because it was long in coming and in my case very amicable

Theunamedcat · 21/03/2022 20:10

My ex went from girlfriend to girlfriends friend (married) to wife's family members neighbour (married) to mums neighbour to mums neighbours friend he has literally never really been alone in 20 years can't stand it he was briefly alone after wife 2 due to his bail conditions making it tricky he ended up on antidepressants

Sunnyday321 · 21/03/2022 20:18

Men have to line up a new relationship a.s.a.p be it a relationship ending ( even after the death of a partner )
I used to volunteer at a hospice which had a bereavement regular meet up for those left behind after the death of loved ones. It was amazing the amount of men that were / or serious looking for new partners within months.

CornishGem1975 · 21/03/2022 20:20

@FridaynightCry

Please dont lump all men into the same group. When you click with someone, you click. It can be instant. Just accept it and move on.
Agreed.

Not all men are the same so the generic "it's what men do' needs to stop. Women do it too!

Dillydollydingdong · 21/03/2022 20:30

It's partly (mainly?) that their whole future has been upturned. Mine was devastated. One of the first things he said was, "How am I going to manage? You've got more money than I have". Oh dear, maybe you should have arranged a pension. He'd wanted to downsize the house and go travelling.

maybemu · 21/03/2022 21:41

Men are easily distracted and can date without feeling it

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