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Original poster

Husband Moved On

54 replies

Sky007 · 21/03/2022 19:09

Hi

My husband and I separated in December and are nearly through the divorce. We had both been unhappy for a couple of years but he said he wanted to make it work but too much had happened for me to see past it.

After we agreed to separate he has been telling everyone how devastated he is and how he has to buy things to cheer himself up.

A friend of mine then spotted him out on a date who he met on Tinder and when I asked him about it he had been chatting to her for 3 weeks and met her 3 times that first week and reguarly since.

I am fine with him moving on and totally accept that but what I don't understand is why he kept saying 'this isn't what I want, I can't believe you're doing this etc' and in a matter of 3-4 weeks joining Tinder, subscribing and meeting someone.

Do men who are supposedly broken move on that fast or might he have just been telling people that when he wasn't that upset.

Interested in thoughts.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Sky007 · 21/03/2022 21:46

Thanks for everyones replies, good to hear all your thoughts.

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 21/03/2022 22:09

It's very common. Men move on very quickly often.

Another2022 · 22/03/2022 11:56

My Ex was going for weekends away with men (or might’ve been just one guy…I haven’t asked) after a few months. I wasn’t looking for anything but a woman at work was interested and we got together at around the same time as my ex started seeing other men so in my sample of 1 split men and women ‘move on’ at around the same rate!

PollyDarton1 · 22/03/2022 12:17

We split in September, I casually starting seeing someone in the January which he found out about. He went ape shit, saying I was "cheapening our relationship" and "can't have cared about him at all if I could move on so quick" and "it's clearly a rebound".

What did he do? He went online dating as soon as he found out I'd met someone. My casual thing ended, now he's all loved up and two months in and wanting to introduce our child after spending months post-split saying he couldn't possibly date, needed time. When challenged, he said "well you moved on and I was happy for you (haha) and I thought I'd do it too" Hmm

Another2022 · 22/03/2022 12:35

@PollyDarton1 similar timeline here. I didn’t go ape shit but just told her I knew and asked her not to lie to me.

As I said I wasn’t looking but her dating did make me think well why not give it a go and I’m glad I did. We keep out of each other’s love lives tho and def not introing kids to anyone!

thethreemuskateers · 22/03/2022 13:29

Within weeks of our almost 19 year relationship ending my ex was taking my next door neighbour to premier inns. They got on well, he couldn’t stay in his Dads bedroom forever. Oh and the kids already knew her.

She was an easy lay basically, they are still together whilst I’ve remained single for almost a year.

HaggisBurger · 22/03/2022 13:36

@thethreemuskateers

Within weeks of our almost 19 year relationship ending my ex was taking my next door neighbour to premier inns. They got on well, he couldn’t stay in his Dads bedroom forever. Oh and the kids already knew her.

She was an easy lay basically, they are still together whilst I’ve remained single for almost a year.

Jeez! She was lured by a bloke just out of a 19 year relationship on the promise of a night at a Premier Inn 🤷🏻‍♀️
thethreemuskateers · 22/03/2022 13:49

@HaggisBurger she was my good friend aswell 😂 I guess they were both pretty desperate!

Fortunately she no longer lives next door to me.

callmeblondie · 22/03/2022 13:53

[quote Sky007]@HaggisBurger - Seems to happen a lot. Mine was discreet until he was spotted. Now it's in the open and he was even going to invite her back here for a meal while I was away for the weekend. We're not in separate houses but will be soon. He saw no issue with that.[/quote]
I don't see any issue with that. You decided to divorce and he's therefore free to invite a friend/girlfriend to his home.

starrynight21 · 22/03/2022 13:56

Same here. My ex wept and moaned about being shattered when I left after 24 years. Moved in with a new gf six weeks later. Even told our son proudly that he was having the best sex he'd ever had .....ugh !

Florabella · 22/03/2022 14:27

What I don't understand from most of these comments is if it was your decision to end the relationship then why so much bitterness/anger/confusion about what your ex decides to do next. It's irrelevant what they said when you split up with them, surely they are entitled to move on at a speed that suits them? I say this as someone who's partner decided to end our relationship. If he then had any comment to make about when or who I dated then he could fuck right off. He made his decision it would be none of his business

CornishGem1975 · 22/03/2022 14:56

@Florabella

What I don't understand from most of these comments is if it was your decision to end the relationship then why so much bitterness/anger/confusion about what your ex decides to do next. It's irrelevant what they said when you split up with them, surely they are entitled to move on at a speed that suits them? I say this as someone who's partner decided to end our relationship. If he then had any comment to make about when or who I dated then he could fuck right off. He made his decision it would be none of his business
Totally agree!
Theunamedcat · 22/03/2022 19:41

@Florabella

What I don't understand from most of these comments is if it was your decision to end the relationship then why so much bitterness/anger/confusion about what your ex decides to do next. It's irrelevant what they said when you split up with them, surely they are entitled to move on at a speed that suits them? I say this as someone who's partner decided to end our relationship. If he then had any comment to make about when or who I dated then he could fuck right off. He made his decision it would be none of his business
Where is the bitterness? Its confusing yes because if someone is telling you one thing while doing the complete opposite it's going to confuse you surely? Like a vegan eating blue steak your bound the have a WTF moment
Florabella · 22/03/2022 20:17

That's why I put anger/bitterness/confusion - different posts had different reactions. My point remains, he may genuinely have been devastated when he was dumped. He may then have thought about it and decided that he wasn't going to waste any more thoughts and energy on someone that didn't want to be with him and that he would move on.

thethreemuskateers · 22/03/2022 20:19

I don’t think I had been so bitter but the fact that she was living next door and pretended to be helping me get over our split messed with my head.

Also our 15 year old took it really badly. I would rather he had just moved on with a stranger but obviously didn’t have the balls to do that.

Casper001 · 22/03/2022 20:28

I like how this is suggested as being just men. Yeah right.

A lot of women know exactly where they are going next when the relationship ends.

CaMePlaitPas · 22/03/2022 20:32

I think a lot of men who have been in LTRs and then find themselves single want the same set up quickly; someone to wash their clothes, keep house, make the dinner, have the regular sex with. There is no reflection period, there's no working on themselves or finding themselves like women do. I would say men absolutely benefit more from being married than women do.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 22/03/2022 20:50

I suppose if you are the person being told you are no longer loved or wanted, your not going to tell people you were fine with it, you will tell everyone how awful it was, and how it wasn’t your idea

I suppose The flip side of the same coin is that if the relationship has been dead for a while, the grieving has already been done ?

DivorcedAndDelighted · 22/03/2022 21:03

[quote Sky007]@HaggisBurger - Seems to happen a lot. Mine was discreet until he was spotted. Now it's in the open and he was even going to invite her back here for a meal while I was away for the weekend. We're not in separate houses but will be soon. He saw no issue with that.[/quote]
I don't see the issue with that either tbh. You finished with him, so he's allowed to date other people - why couldn't he bring her there while you're away? I understand that feelings can be very complicated after a split, but we don't get to say what our exes are allowed to do after we split. It wouldn't bother me. I was delighted when my ex moved on

DivorcedAndDelighted · 22/03/2022 21:12

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

I did tinder for a bit and was stunned by the men still living with their ex's, but you know not together. I told one I wasn't interested for that reason and he got arsey with me lol. You do have to wonder about how desperate the women are that are ok with it.
It may well be genuine though; I've known quite a few friends who have lived with their exes for a while. One has been separated from her husband for 2 years now, but they still share a house because it's a local authority property and both names are on the tenancy. Neither wants to lose the valuable tenancy, but if either moves out they will. So both are staying put until they reach a settlement regarding the tenancy. I would expect this to be a relatively common scenario if a LA tenancy is involved. Another friend, owner - occupier, lived separated in the same house as her ex for a couple of years until they sorted something different out. It was a genuine and clear split and the situation was very difficult for her. Surely many of us will know people in this situation? I wouldn't write someone off as undateable on this basis, though of course it would be a potential risk.
Nenaa22 · 22/03/2022 21:13

My husband moved in with his new gf after 3 weeks of separated.. didn't know a thing about her.. took my kids to her house on his weekend and that's how I found out. He can't understand why I am upset.

PollyDarton1 · 23/03/2022 09:01

@Florabella

What I don't understand from most of these comments is if it was your decision to end the relationship then why so much bitterness/anger/confusion about what your ex decides to do next. It's irrelevant what they said when you split up with them, surely they are entitled to move on at a speed that suits them? I say this as someone who's partner decided to end our relationship. If he then had any comment to make about when or who I dated then he could fuck right off. He made his decision it would be none of his business
From my point of view, I was told by my ex that I shouldn't possibly be moving on, that it signified I didn't care about the relationship and a bunch of other accusatory things.

Then the first thing he did when he found out was try and find someone else. He then, when they had a blip, tried to involve me in everything and seek validation and sympathy as a friend and confused me by bringing up our past.

It was a total headfuck as I realised I had a lot of unresolved issues because I'd been emotionally abused for 7 years (the reason why I left) and blamed for a lot of the behaviour on his part, and then he was more or less saying 'I'm not the person you think I am' because of this relationship.

CornishGem1975 · 23/03/2022 15:36

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

I did tinder for a bit and was stunned by the men still living with their ex's, but you know not together. I told one I wasn't interested for that reason and he got arsey with me lol. You do have to wonder about how desperate the women are that are ok with it.
I lived with my ex for a good 5 months after we'd started the divorce - there was no other option until we'd sorted out the house and finances. I was dating at that time. He probably was too but we didn't talk about it. It was just how it was for a while, we had separate bedrooms.
PyongyangKipperbang · 23/03/2022 22:01

I agree that the "devastation" is caused by a nice comfy life not being facilitated by someone else anymore. Realising that clean socks do not magically appear, that meals require shopping, cooking, cleaning up and again do not magically appear.

I think an awful lot, especially after long marriages, do it because they have not had to adult properly and are either incapable or unwilling to look after themselves. I think that there is no coincidence that a lot of men who get chucked out for cheating and have to live alone, start looking dishevelled and scruffy! Some say its manipultation to get us to take them back, I think its because they havent found out how the plug an iron in and which shelf the shampoo is on at the supermarket!

Theunamedcat · 24/03/2022 05:59

I always thought my ex was devastated because I refused to get back with him and he had to live with his mother and abide by her rules again (actually he could have lived alone but chose his mums house because she even packed him a work lunch)