Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't make my gf happy

76 replies

Time4life · 21/03/2022 15:15

I don't make my gf happy. I want to. I try. But I fail. Quite a lot.

I don't prioritise her. I don't consider her. I'm selfish.
I don't disagree with these things. I do try to do the above things but never quite get it right.

I really think our relationship might be over because of this. I don't want it to be.

I want us both to be happy. But she is often not. And if she isn't happy, neither am I because of the atmosphere.

I'll give some examples of the stuff I get wrong

We both have children from previous relationships. When my ex wants to swap or change a night with the children, sometimes I forget to discuss with my gf. I'll agree it and then tell my gf.

Very much put all of the children's needs before ours. Which sometimes means we get very little time to ourselves.

Holidays, we haven't had a holiday on our own for a long time because of shared parenting arrangements, holidays with children, annual leave from work.

Mothers day is coming up, I've discussed it with the children, what we're going to do for mum etc.. But because I haven't told her what we're going to do, she's not happy and thinks we're not going to do anything.

I've turned down offers to go out with friends recently because she said we don't get enough time together. I didn't tell her about this. I now think I should've so that she knows I'm prioritising her. I'm a bit awkward with things like that, don't feel comfortable bragging and trying to earn brownie points. Could be an easy thing for me to change though.

I have some hobbies that I do, and my gf is very understanding, although there is 1 hobbie she doesn't want me to do. And we disagree on this. Her opinion is that it is dangerous and worries about the risks. It's something I've always wanted to do since a child but couldn't ever afford until now. This is a big issue between us.

I'm constantly having to apologise for being shit.

Because of these things, and others, she is often very unhappy. I want to make her happy. But I also feel that she relies on me to make her happy. I don't understand that.

I have 3 things I've that give me happiness, raising my children, sharing my life with my gf, and my hobbies. I think my gf relies on me and doesn't have those other things to me her happy. I regularly talk to her about what makes her happy in life, and offer support if there are any hobbies she wants to take up.

We both have careers. Children are 10, 12, 13, 19, and have them on a 50/50 basis. My hobbies take up 2-3 hours on a weekend, and about once every 3 weeks I meet some friends midweek from 8 is till 11 is.

I genuinely don't know if I can be the person she wants me to be. Actually, I do know, deep down I know I won't ever male her happy. We have discussed this many times.

I'm unhappy because she's very often unhappy with me. When I've told her this, her point is that she is allowed to tell me how she feels, and that it feels like I'm trying to take her voice away.

Can anyone offer me any advice?
What do I need to do to be a better partner?
Is it normal to rely solely on your partner to determine if your happy or unhappy?

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 21/03/2022 15:22

what you need to do is leave and meet someone else is understands kids come first.

PilatesPeach · 21/03/2022 15:32

What does she say she likes or loves about you? Anything?

Original poster
Time4life · 21/03/2022 15:45

That's a good question. I'll ask!!

OP posts:
iklboo · 21/03/2022 15:50

If she doesn't understand you are a dad prioritising his children just end it. She'll always resent them 'getting in the way'.

Original poster
Time4life · 21/03/2022 15:50

Yeah she definitely doesn't agree with that!!

I think she might have done once. I didn't mention there is also an older child in they're 20's who doesn't Iive at home. The 13, 19, and 24 are hers. 9 and 12 are mine. It might be unfair but sometimes it feels like she's spent many years putting the children first, and doesn't want to do it anymore. I don't want to me her out to be totally anti children. She's not. She is great with all of them

OP posts:
ravenmum · 21/03/2022 15:57

Your gf doesn't make you happy. Sounds like you'd both be happier on your own or with someone else?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/03/2022 15:57

Is it normal to rely solely on your partner to determine if your happy or unhappy?

No, it's extremely unhealthy.

I don't think this relationship is working. None of the examples you've given of your failings are you being a shit (although not telling her you've changed the days you're having your DC is thoughtless, you need to communicate these things.)

It sounds like your GF wants your life to revolve around her - that's just not practical for a parent and again it isn't healthy.

As for you giving up your hobby - pfft! You're a grown adult and can do your own risk assessment. Like fuck would I be giving up a hobby for a partner!

I think you should set her free to "find her voice" with someone else.

Justcallmebebes · 21/03/2022 15:57

It sounds as though she is quite needy and looking to you to fill that void. If I understand correctly, she has no hobbies, her kids are older and she looks to you to fulfil everything else. That's not healthy and it's not your responsibility.

Also, it's only right that you put your kids first as they're still very young and if she doesn't understand this then really, she shouldn't be dating a man with kids.

BlingLoving · 21/03/2022 15:59

What does "prioritise the children" mean? Does that mean when your DC are with you that you are 100% with them or that you expect her to be? eg are you spending all your time with the DC and not expecting any independence from them whatsoever? When you agree to different times with your ex, does it impact her - eg do you have to cancel plans that has been made or does she have to do additional cooking/cleaning etc?

when you don't have the DC, what do you do together? You have a hobby for a few hours on the weekend - I don't see a problem with that. But what are you doing the rest of the time? Her children are older and you have your children just 50% of the time, so there should still be plenty of time for the two of you to do things together? Do you? If you have multiple hobbies, how is it that you only spend 2-3 hours a week one them? Or is it more?

When your DC are at yours, do you cancel your hobbies etc or do you expect her to do childcare?

I'm not saying that you're not trying, and I've read enough MN to know a lot of stepmothers have ridiculous expectations, but your post has a few things that aren't clear to me.

Opentooffers · 21/03/2022 16:09

Ok, so what I will say is that there is nothing more frustrating, annoying and disappointing as a GF than feeling like you are only able to see your BF according to their ex's timetable. That will be the big big bear. It has nothing to do with prioritizing children, as when an ex wants to change a date, it's usually about what they themselves are doing, not what the DC's have on. It's an easy fix though, if you have not arranged anything, or it's not at a time you would normally see each other, accommodating a change seems reasonable. But if you and your GF already have plans, you should just say no, you can't do it as busy. If it affects time you have regularly set up to spend together, then yes, you ask her first, and work out an alternate time or you get back to your ex and say it's not possible. The annoyance is when the ex says jump and the BF asks how high - some men have not learnt to say no, even when it's reasonable to do so.
Be honest, how often has your ex changed dates, and have you ever said no to her? - that would be setting a bad presedent.

Kaltenzahn · 21/03/2022 16:12

You don't sound happy and that's reason enough to end the relationship, however swapping days without telling your GF is unfair and thoughtless. When you say you swap days with your ex is this for essential reasons (eg ex has work and no alternate childcare on that day) or nonessential reasons like your ex wants to go out for dinner/meet friends etc. If the former then it's understandable but would be considerate to let your GF know as soon as possible, but if it's the latter then you're not putting the DC first, you're showing your GF that her need to spend time with her DP is less important to you than your exes social life, which would understandably make her feel like shit. Putting your children first is fine (it's how it should be), but putting your ex first is not.

Opentooffers · 21/03/2022 16:12

Bug bear

HellToTheNope · 21/03/2022 16:13

Your relationship sound like it's just too much hard work. It really should be this hard. End it and move on.

OrlandointheWilderness · 21/03/2022 16:17

Sounds like she wants a bf without kids.

How long have you been together?

GeneLovesJezebel · 21/03/2022 16:20

She/ the relationship shouldn’t make you feel bad about yourself.
End it and find someone who will appreciate you.

Original poster
Time4life · 21/03/2022 16:25

@Kaltenzahn

You don't sound happy and that's reason enough to end the relationship, however swapping days without telling your GF is unfair and thoughtless. When you say you swap days with your ex is this for essential reasons (eg ex has work and no alternate childcare on that day) or nonessential reasons like your ex wants to go out for dinner/meet friends etc. If the former then it's understandable but would be considerate to let your GF know as soon as possible, but if it's the latter then you're not putting the DC first, you're showing your GF that her need to spend time with her DP is less important to you than your exes social life, which would understandably make her feel like shit. Putting your children first is fine (it's how it should be), but putting your ex first is not.
I would never say yes to childcare changes if we had plans. I normally, wrongly, say yes if we don't plans and then let my gf know. I presume as we have no plans that it'll be OK. I know I should still check with my gf. Need to be better at that.

It def seems to my gf that I put my ex first. I don't think I do. But I guess that's the problem. We all have different perspectives and I need to appreciate my gf's perspective more.

The changes are normally for family birthdays etc..And we do our fair share of asking for changes too.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 21/03/2022 16:27

The other issue could be down to your GF, her children are older and most likely more independent and doing their own things with friends, so they don't need her as much as yours do. But overall, how often do you get to see each other? In your situation, and to keep a relationship developing, twice a week would be reasonable. If she is pushing for more often than that, then she is being too pushy and maybe a bit needy, and not recognising that people have busy lives.
If you ever have a time where all the DC's are with your respective ex's for a weekend, that's the time to spend quality alone time together.

Original poster
Time4life · 21/03/2022 16:28

@OrlandointheWilderness

Sounds like she wants a bf without kids.

How long have you been together?

Yes I think that would be ideal for her.

Together 6. Living together 2.

My children are here just under 50/50. Her eldest is here 100%. Her 12 Yr old has 1 night a week and every other wknd with his dad. So he's here most of the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Time4life · 21/03/2022 16:31

@Opentooffers

The other issue could be down to your GF, her children are older and most likely more independent and doing their own things with friends, so they don't need her as much as yours do. But overall, how often do you get to see each other? In your situation, and to keep a relationship developing, twice a week would be reasonable. If she is pushing for more often than that, then she is being too pushy and maybe a bit needy, and not recognising that people have busy lives. If you ever have a time where all the DC's are with your respective ex's for a weekend, that's the time to spend quality alone time together.
We live together. One night during the week we have no young children here. And then every other weekend we have no young children on a sat night and Sunday night. Personally I think that is a lot of time without children and we're lucky to have that free time. Although I would prefer to have all the children here all the time. She doesn't feel the same. She wants and needs that break from the children
OP posts:
Original poster
Time4life · 21/03/2022 16:34

@Opentooffers

Ok, so what I will say is that there is nothing more frustrating, annoying and disappointing as a GF than feeling like you are only able to see your BF according to their ex's timetable. That will be the big big bear. It has nothing to do with prioritizing children, as when an ex wants to change a date, it's usually about what they themselves are doing, not what the DC's have on. It's an easy fix though, if you have not arranged anything, or it's not at a time you would normally see each other, accommodating a change seems reasonable. But if you and your GF already have plans, you should just say no, you can't do it as busy. If it affects time you have regularly set up to spend together, then yes, you ask her first, and work out an alternate time or you get back to your ex and say it's not possible. The annoyance is when the ex says jump and the BF asks how high - some men have not learnt to say no, even when it's reasonable to do so. Be honest, how often has your ex changed dates, and have you ever said no to her? - that would be setting a bad presedent.
We live together.

It def may seem like I say "how high" which I need to work on

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 21/03/2022 16:42

You live together! So you have already progressed the relationship, she's not a GF, she's a partner, that's a bug drip feed Hmm.Just check with her first before saying yes to a change, that's all you need to do really, if you can't remember that - well you're then somehow letting slip an easy thing that will make a big difference, so it's down to you.

Original poster
Time4life · 21/03/2022 16:43

@BlingLoving

What does "prioritise the children" mean? Does that mean when your DC are with you that you are 100% with them or that you expect her to be? eg are you spending all your time with the DC and not expecting any independence from them whatsoever? When you agree to different times with your ex, does it impact her - eg do you have to cancel plans that has been made or does she have to do additional cooking/cleaning etc?

when you don't have the DC, what do you do together? You have a hobby for a few hours on the weekend - I don't see a problem with that. But what are you doing the rest of the time? Her children are older and you have your children just 50% of the time, so there should still be plenty of time for the two of you to do things together? Do you? If you have multiple hobbies, how is it that you only spend 2-3 hours a week one them? Or is it more?

When your DC are at yours, do you cancel your hobbies etc or do you expect her to do childcare?

I'm not saying that you're not trying, and I've read enough MN to know a lot of stepmothers have ridiculous expectations, but your post has a few things that aren't clear to me.

Some good questions here..

The children def have their own independence. However when they are here I do try to spend time with them, it's normally these days that they don't want to spend time with me!!

When we don't have any children here we go for dog walks, go out for dinner, DIY in the house, shopping, occasional trips to London, cinema

I don't expect her to do any childcare if I'm out, will mostly arrange hobbies around childcare, or sometimes she will help, or grandparents help out.

To be honest, my hobbies are tied in to clubs that the children go to. I help out at the clubs. So even if I wasn't helping out and classing it as a hobby, one of us would still have to take them, wait, and bring them back.

OP posts:
WildFlowerBees · 21/03/2022 16:53

Children's needs come first their wants not always. A relationship needs nurturing that means finding a balance between your children and your partner. It can be done, it's about prioritising.

If you want something it's easy to find time for it. For instance it's easy for you (perhaps) to find the time for you and your hobbies. Great it's good to have time to yourself but equally your partner needs and deserves time carved out for the two of you.

If you aren't making time together as important as your kids and your hobbies then you have your answer.

Opentooffers · 21/03/2022 16:54

Do you ever see your mates, or do your hobby when your DC's are with you? That could be a bone of contention if you expect your partner to look after them without discussion. It would be reasonable for you to reciprocate and look after any DC's in the home so she can regularly go off and do her own thing, expecting her to oversee your DC while you go on hobbies is unfair without a return agreement, or you only do your hobby in your own time when DC's are with your ex. If you lived on your own you'd have to do that.

MargosKaftan · 21/03/2022 17:04

Yes, from her point of view it could look like you aren't prioritising the kids but your ex.

It is interesting you've decided to keep mothers day plans secret from her, knowing she's not happy about it. Just tell her the kids are taking her out or have made plans.

You need to make an effort to make her feel like you are a team. Or perhaps accept this isn't working for her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread