I don't make my gf happy

[Time4life]

I don't make my gf happy. I want to. I try. But I fail. Quite a lot.

I don't prioritise her. I don't consider her. I'm selfish.
I don't disagree with these things. I do try to do the above things but never quite get it right.

I really think our relationship might be over because of this. I don't want it to be.

I want us both to be happy. But she is often not. And if she isn't happy, neither am I because of the atmosphere.

I'll give some examples of the stuff I get wrong

We both have children from previous relationships. When my ex wants to swap or change a night with the children, sometimes I forget to discuss with my gf. I'll agree it and then tell my gf.

Very much put all of the children's needs before ours. Which sometimes means we get very little time to ourselves.

Holidays, we haven't had a holiday on our own for a long time because of shared parenting arrangements, holidays with children, annual leave from work.

Mothers day is coming up, I've discussed it with the children, what we're going to do for mum etc.. But because I haven't told her what we're going to do, she's not happy and thinks we're not going to do anything.

I've turned down offers to go out with friends recently because she said we don't get enough time together. I didn't tell her about this. I now think I should've so that she knows I'm prioritising her. I'm a bit awkward with things like that, don't feel comfortable bragging and trying to earn brownie points. Could be an easy thing for me to change though.

I have some hobbies that I do, and my gf is very understanding, although there is 1 hobbie she doesn't want me to do. And we disagree on this. Her opinion is that it is dangerous and worries about the risks. It's something I've always wanted to do since a child but couldn't ever afford until now. This is a big issue between us.

I'm constantly having to apologise for being shit.

Because of these things, and others, she is often very unhappy. I want to make her happy. But I also feel that she relies on me to make her happy. I don't understand that.

I have 3 things I've that give me happiness, raising my children, sharing my life with my gf, and my hobbies. I think my gf relies on me and doesn't have those other things to me her happy. I regularly talk to her about what makes her happy in life, and offer support if there are any hobbies she wants to take up.

We both have careers. Children are 10, 12, 13, 19, and have them on a 50/50 basis. My hobbies take up 2-3 hours on a weekend, and about once every 3 weeks I meet some friends midweek from 8 is till 11 is.

I genuinely don't know if I can be the person she wants me to be. Actually, I do know, deep down I know I won't ever male her happy. We have discussed this many times.

I'm unhappy because she's very often unhappy with me. When I've told her this, her point is that she is allowed to tell me how she feels, and that it feels like I'm trying to take her voice away.

Can anyone offer me any advice?
What do I need to do to be a better partner?
Is it normal to rely solely on your partner to determine if your happy or unhappy?

On balance, it sounds like you spend as much time together as parents who aren't divorced, so apart from the checking with her about changes your ex wants to make, there shouldn't be a problem. Try that, let her know you have plans for mothers day around her - you don't have to say what. Why would you let her think nothing is on that's just causing unnecessary anguish?

A simple "your kids have made mothers day plans but I'm sworn to secrecy. Dont book anything in for Sunday." would suffice. If she asks you what "oh no, im not being evil step dad who ruins their plans. Just don't want you to be double booked. Act surprised."

Just make an effort to think about her feelings. Not wait until she's upset again.

The thing is I can understand somewhat as to why she gets pissed off. My partner is the same will just announce on our weekend's together that he's now having his kid's because his Ex is doing something.
Now I like his kid's and its not really an issue but it PISSES me off. Because there has been no consideration to how I feel about it.

I could be looking forward to our weekend together for weeks and then bam, we've got his kid's. And the constant gushing over mother's days and birthdays again is irritating. For me it's like just get on with it, why make a song and dance about it all.

But hobbies and friends don't bother me too much I enjoy the peace and quiet sometimes. But that's just a different perspective

OP, with as much kindness as I can muster, you don't seem to have the same values, and life is much too short to be constantly unhappy.

Cut ties, start alone and reestablish a life for you and your kids.

Few things

1. the only person responsible for their happiness is themselves. So you categorically are not responsible for her happiness. Have you asked her what makes her happy?
2. your respective children are at a different stage, hers can be left / are more independent where she can do more/ look at her needs. Yours are still on the cusp.
3. The agreeing to having your children without checking with your partner (when you live together) is inconsiderate. You clearly know that and yet continue to do it. Why? It isn’t difficult. Is there a part of you that resents having to ‘check’ when you can see your children? Because honestly, this part isn’t hard
4. The comment of you would be happy if the children were there all the time vs she needs time away is probably the most telling to me. If there is a chance that you are the type of partner who comes ‘alive’ when your children are there and clearly are happier when your children are there then I can actually understand (and sympathise) as to why your partner is unhappy. There’s nothing more depressing than getting the remnants of a person who spends their time minus their children like something is missing. Vs being fulfilled with their partner/ intimate relationship.

I love my kids but am also very happy when they’re with their dad because I am very fulfilled away from them. And I would want a partner who prioritises me and has the headroom/ need and want to be with me as much as I want to be with them.

@DeliaOwens

OP, with as much kindness as I can muster, you don't seem to have the same values, and life is much too short to be constantly unhappy. Cut ties, start alone and reestablish a life for you and your kids.

You are absolutely right. We do not have the same values. I thought this would be fine, but it seems not

None of the examples you give are of bad behaviour. Your gf sounds quite immature and needy. If she's so unhappy with you, why doesn't she talk to you about it like an adult, or finish things with you instead of staying when she's oh so unhappy?

You sound as if you have more in your life than she does. You are sound in different phases - her dc are grown up.

Honestly, it sounds like you're not doing anything wrong. Have you thought about separating?

You seem like a good person, and most of what you say I have empathy for. But changing a day when you only have one night/ day kid free shouldn't really happen unless it's an absolute emergency. It's really hard to keep a spark alight in a relationship and that night whether you do something or not is sacrosanct, call it a date night.

Between my partner and I we have 4 children and when they are all here (step children) I love that time but it's exhausting, it's definitely not about my husband and I it's about the family. So if we didn't have any time to ourselves our relationship would not last.

Don't not prioritise this time- even with no plans.

@Sassbott

Few things

1. the only person responsible for their happiness is themselves. So you categorically are not responsible for her happiness. Have you asked her what makes her happy?
2. your respective children are at a different stage, hers can be left / are more independent where she can do more/ look at her needs. Yours are still on the cusp.
3. The agreeing to having your children without checking with your partner (when you live together) is inconsiderate. You clearly know that and yet continue to do it. Why? It isn’t difficult. Is there a part of you that resents having to ‘check’ when you can see your children? Because honestly, this part isn’t hard
4. The comment of you would be happy if the children were there all the time vs she needs time away is probably the most telling to me. If there is a chance that you are the type of partner who comes ‘alive’ when your children are there and clearly are happier when your children are there then I can actually understand (and sympathise) as to why your partner is unhappy. There’s nothing more depressing than getting the remnants of a person who spends their time minus their children like something is missing. Vs being fulfilled with their partner/ intimate relationship.

I love my kids but am also very happy when they’re with their dad because I am very fulfilled away from them. And I would want a partner who prioritises me and has the headroom/ need and want to be with me as much as I want to be with them.

This is definitely a thing. She has said in the past I only seem happy when my children are around.

OP, does she make you happy?

@Wiredforsound

OP, does she make you happy?

Yes, when she's happy

I am going to ask, 6 years or 6 months?
I ask because some of the stiff you have written seems very 'new relationship'
Surely the 4 (if years) you were together before you lived with each other she would have known how you were with your children. That you would say you would change visit days etc.
it just seems all very new to me.

*stuff

@Idroppedthescrewinthetuna

I am going to ask, 6 years or 6 months? I ask because some of the stiff you have written seems very 'new relationship' Surely the 4 (if years) you were together before you lived with each other she would have known how you were with your children. That you would say you would change visit days etc. it just seems all very new to me.

Yes, years.

The changing of the childcare arrangements is not a regular thing. Like occasionally when a a birthday falls on the wrong weekend. We're talking more twice a year or something.
The problem is that sometimes I will agree to it if we don't have any plans and then let my gf know. Rather than checking with her first.

@Idroppedthescrewinthetuna

I am going to ask, 6 years or 6 months? I ask because some of the stiff you have written seems very 'new relationship' Surely the 4 (if years) you were together before you lived with each other she would have known how you were with your children. That you would say you would change visit days etc. it just seems all very new to me.

Sorry, your other point about it all seeming new. Yes it does seem like that doesn't it. But it's not.

It's a pita cross checking with everyone. You basically have 2 wives.🙄🤣
Sounds like the logistics of managing the children is contaminating the relationship. Step families aren't easy.

Step families are really hard. I think if you live together checking with each other around changes of schedules is a good thing. It's respectful and it's a small thing to make your gf feel that it's not your ex calling the shots.

When you say putting your dc first - can I just check that you aren't like my exh who felt that when his ds was with us (50/50) he shouldn't have to do any cooking/cleaning/normal household jobs as it took away that precious time..

I also think your gf sounds too needy. You can't be her whole life. I don't think it's you personally who she's not happy with, I don't think she's happy in general. I'd talk to her about it, nicely, without blame and come up with a solution. She needs something more in her life.

@DragonOverTheMoon

Step families are really hard. I think if you live together checking with each other around changes of schedules is a good thing. It's respectful and it's a small thing to make your gf feel that it's not your ex calling the shots.

When you say putting your dc first - can I just check that you aren't like my exh who felt that when his ds was with us (50/50) he shouldn't have to do any cooking/cleaning/normal household jobs as it took away that precious time..

I also think your gf sounds too needy. You can't be her whole life. I don't think it's you personally who she's not happy with, I don't think she's happy in general. I'd talk to her about it, nicely, without blame and come up with a solution. She needs something more in her life.

No I don't down tools whenever they are around. My gf is often home b from work late so that's not really an option. If she is around, she is great sometimes and she'll prompt me to do something with the youngest and she'll take over cooking dinner etc..

I have tried to have gentle conversations about her not seeming happy, and have tried asking what makes her happy, or gives her happiness. The conversation never ends well.

This is definitely a thing. She has said in the past I only seem happy when my children are around.

And do you think there is any truth to that comment? Honestly. Do you make the same effort for your partner and feel the same level of happiness when your children aren’t there?

I don't think you can make anyone accept help if they won't admit there's a problem and their defenses come into play.

You can't live like this though OP. Maybe talk a bit more firmly and (don't threaten this in the conversation) if it doesn't work then call it a day. Being a gf/bf is a discovery stage. It isn't marriage.

It's a shame because it sounds like (to me) if she would get a life then you'd both be much more happier.

Oh I didnt notice that comment @Sass

Is that true OP? What efforts do you make when dc aren't around. Every person wants to feel special to their gf/bf.

I’ll also add, for those calling the other half here needy? Unless you’ve lived with someone who only really lights up when their children are there? Or who repeatedly shows you another side to them that disappears the minute their children leave? It’s bloody soul destroying. @Time4life if there’s a chance you’re doing this then (genuinely) ask yourself why you’re in this relationship and what are you really putting into it?

I mean if she’s this unhappy the onus is on her to end this. She may actually be happier without you and not living with perpetually feeling second best.

@Sassbott

This is definitely a thing. She has said in the past I only seem happy when my children are around.

And do you think there is any truth to that comment? Honestly. Do you make the same effort for your partner and feel the same level of happiness when your children aren’t there?

I miss them when they are not here. Dearly. But I still love my partner when they aren't here. My love for her doesn't change.

In some ways I have more time for my gf when my children aren't here. But that can be twisted and turned into a negative too. No win situation. The implication there is that I don't have time for her when they are here

I’m not asking if your love for your partner changes. Do you change when your children aren’t around?

Because tbh I’m a little like your partner. I adore my children but I’m certainly not missing them dearly when they aren’t with me. I enjoy my child free time fully and then embrace my child time equally.

Re the second part of the comment. No parent has as much time for their other half when consumed with kids. Especially when time is limited to 50% - so on that part you’re getting a hard time. She should understand that when your children are there, they take priority.