I don't make my gf happy

[Time4life]

I don't make my gf happy. I want to. I try. But I fail. Quite a lot.

I don't prioritise her. I don't consider her. I'm selfish.
I don't disagree with these things. I do try to do the above things but never quite get it right.

I really think our relationship might be over because of this. I don't want it to be.

I want us both to be happy. But she is often not. And if she isn't happy, neither am I because of the atmosphere.

I'll give some examples of the stuff I get wrong

We both have children from previous relationships. When my ex wants to swap or change a night with the children, sometimes I forget to discuss with my gf. I'll agree it and then tell my gf.

Very much put all of the children's needs before ours. Which sometimes means we get very little time to ourselves.

Holidays, we haven't had a holiday on our own for a long time because of shared parenting arrangements, holidays with children, annual leave from work.

Mothers day is coming up, I've discussed it with the children, what we're going to do for mum etc.. But because I haven't told her what we're going to do, she's not happy and thinks we're not going to do anything.

I've turned down offers to go out with friends recently because she said we don't get enough time together. I didn't tell her about this. I now think I should've so that she knows I'm prioritising her. I'm a bit awkward with things like that, don't feel comfortable bragging and trying to earn brownie points. Could be an easy thing for me to change though.

I have some hobbies that I do, and my gf is very understanding, although there is 1 hobbie she doesn't want me to do. And we disagree on this. Her opinion is that it is dangerous and worries about the risks. It's something I've always wanted to do since a child but couldn't ever afford until now. This is a big issue between us.

I'm constantly having to apologise for being shit.

Because of these things, and others, she is often very unhappy. I want to make her happy. But I also feel that she relies on me to make her happy. I don't understand that.

I have 3 things I've that give me happiness, raising my children, sharing my life with my gf, and my hobbies. I think my gf relies on me and doesn't have those other things to me her happy. I regularly talk to her about what makes her happy in life, and offer support if there are any hobbies she wants to take up.

We both have careers. Children are 10, 12, 13, 19, and have them on a 50/50 basis. My hobbies take up 2-3 hours on a weekend, and about once every 3 weeks I meet some friends midweek from 8 is till 11 is.

I genuinely don't know if I can be the person she wants me to be. Actually, I do know, deep down I know I won't ever male her happy. We have discussed this many times.

I'm unhappy because she's very often unhappy with me. When I've told her this, her point is that she is allowed to tell me how she feels, and that it feels like I'm trying to take her voice away.

Can anyone offer me any advice?
What do I need to do to be a better partner?
Is it normal to rely solely on your partner to determine if your happy or unhappy?

@Sassbott

I’ll also add, for those calling the other half here needy? Unless you’ve lived with someone who only really lights up when their children are there? Or who repeatedly shows you another side to them that disappears the minute their children leave? It’s bloody soul destroying. *@Time4life* if there’s a chance you’re doing this then (genuinely) ask yourself why you’re in this relationship and what are you really putting into it?

I mean if she’s this unhappy the onus is on her to end this. She may actually be happier without you and not living with perpetually feeling second best.

I make lots of effort to make sure she feels loved and prioritised and appreciated regardless of if we have any children with us. The problem is, there is always room for improvement, and i listen to her feedback on my behaviour, and genuinely do try. But I can't change who I am.

Her children are here most of rhe time. Mine aren't. And they are still little, ish. So I want to make the most of the time they are here. I have to squeeze parenting into 3 days a week. Playing with them. Talking to them. Listening to them. Helping them with homework. Parenting them.
So yes, unapologetically, they do noticeably get more of my time and attention when they are around. Not 24/7 by any means because I still have a job, a home to maintain, other children to care for, and last but not least a gf.

But I can't change who I am.

Everyone can change, but you don’t want to. And that’s more than ok. You don’t have to explain your priorities to anyone. I get it. There comes a point where no one should twist themselves into knots trying to please a SO. If you say you’re trying your best and she’s still not happy? What choices are left?

Would a trial separation be an option?

Financially can you both afford to stop cohabiting and see what happens when you parent your children away from a joint home?

@MargosKaftan

Yes, from her point of view it could look like you aren't prioritising the kids but your ex.

It is interesting you've decided to keep mothers day plans secret from her, knowing she's not happy about it. Just tell her the kids are taking her out or have made plans.

You need to make an effort to make her feel like you are a team. Or perhaps accept this isn't working for her.

There was no secret. Mothers day isn't a secret. It's just normal right, it's mothers day, we'll do some nice stuff for her. Special breakfast, some flowers, present, and a special dinner either at home or out. Same as every year. She knows mothers day is coming. It's a nice day for mothers, and a chance for us to show our appreciation.

Only this year she's upset because we haven't told her what's happening. The same thing as every year is happening!

@Sassbott

But I can't change who I am.

Everyone can change, but you don’t want to. And that’s more than ok. You don’t have to explain your priorities to anyone. I get it. There comes a point where no one should twist themselves into knots trying to please a SO. If you say you’re trying your best and she’s still not happy? What choices are left?

Would a trial separation be an option?

Financially can you both afford to stop cohabiting and see what happens when you parent your children away from a joint home?

Thank you.

Yes we probably could.

I would feel bad for all of our children. It would probably mean not living in our village near their friends. They've all be uprooted and moved a few times in the last few years. They've been through quite a bit. This is an option but it really is the last thing I want to do.
If it wasn't for the children I suspect one of us would've put a stop to this already.

I personally couldn't be bothered with having to check with my partner before saying my kids could come over. They're your kids, they should always be welcome, unless you've got something planned. I think it's well worth being flexible for your ex if she is flexible back. It sounds like your GF is maybe a bit insecure and controlling?

@HotPenguin

I personally couldn't be bothered with having to check with my partner before saying my kids could come over. They're your kids, they should always be welcome, unless you've got something planned. I think it's well worth being flexible for your ex if she is flexible back. It sounds like your GF is maybe a bit insecure and controlling?

That's how I feel too.

Not sure what controlling is to be honest. Bossy?

Would you consider relationship counselling ? You must have made each other happy at some point

@Undecidedandtorn

Would you consider relationship counselling ? You must have made each other happy at some point

Yeah we have talked about it, both agree it could help, just haven't done it. Maybe now is the time

Hmm, this is tricky. I also think that it must be hard for your GF seeing you behave as though you are less happy when the children aren’t around - does she maybe feel like as soon as they’re gone, you’re off doing your hobbies? Do you do anything together? I’m wondering if perhaps your GF feels a bit taken for ranted, and maybe just wants to be seen and appreciated as a person in her own right, rather than just useful when the children are around?
Generally sounds like you both need to communicate better

@HotPenguin

I personally couldn't be bothered with having to check with my partner before saying my kids could come over. They're your kids, they should always be welcome, unless you've got something planned. I think it's well worth being flexible for your ex if she is flexible back. It sounds like your GF is maybe a bit insecure and controlling?

I couldn't be either someone who didn't check such a thing with me first. It is basic manners. I need my alone time and not to think that any moment two more children will descend.

So listen you clearly do feel resentful about having to check and that’s why you’re not doing it. Which again I get. There’s zero chance I would ask anyones permission re my children staying in my home, but, that’s exactly why I don’t live with someone and have zero intention of doing so. I see my kids based on what works for my kids, my ex and myself (we too flex from time to time based on work commitments etc). I parent the way I choose and make plans for my children and I with zero compromise. It’s great. My life is much smoother and stress free without trying to navigate the needs of a SO and their needs around their children. So much so that I have no plans to date even, any time soon.

Issues like this are exactly why I didn’t move in with my exp. I didn’t agree with his parenting but they weren’t my children. He flexed to see his children any chance he could (and again I said nothing) as it was entirely his choice to change his plans to do so. I didn’t like how it made me feel, that when he didn’t have his children, he was surviving (not saying you’re doing this), vs thriving. So existing with him and his dynamic with his children made me quite unhappy. Then as I boundaried myself and pulled away giving them more space, his behaviour escalated (in terms of showing his displeasure in non healthy ways).

I’m sharing this so you understand that these dynamics are quite tricky to tackle and quite insidious. You don’t in any way feel that you are in the wrong - you are available to your children and putting them first. You don’t want to check with your DP re them visiting as in your mind they should be welcome anytime. Her children are there much more so how / why can she say when your children can/ cannot come. That’s not fair. And how can she not understand how focussed you are on your children when you have them given you only see them 50% of the time? None of this feels fair to you.

I can’t speak for your partner and it’s entirely possible that she is insecure/ controlling/ bossy. Or it’s entirely possible that living with this dynamic is making her deeply unhappy. I’m none of the above, I have a pretty great life but I was miserable living with the dynamic I had. It was like my exp lived for his children and tolerated the rest of his life. He wasn’t the same person when his children weren’t there - is was crap to try and navigate. This is why relationship counselling could be difficult, it could work but quite honestly these step family dynamics are HARD.

For me? I tried by completely separating our relationship from all the children and asked him to focus on us as a couple without either persons children in the mix (this gave us 5 nights a fortnight combined child free). Plenty IMO. He didn’t step up, he continued to be half alive and resent the fact that he saw his children so little 🤷🏽‍♀️. Something I had absolutely no control over but was expected to understand and live with.
Throughout the relationship I was accused of being jealous of his children, of not liking his children, of not being normal, of not being supportive enough, the list is long. The reality was that he simply wasn’t meeting my needs as an intimate partner. He lived for his children and everyone else got the remnants. When I did call him on it, he would make half arsed efforts that felt very forced and unnatural. He was only truely happy when his kids were there and I was there (the sad reality he then would beg me to join them when he did see them as he wanted us all as one big happy family). They, bless them, didn’t seem to make him completely fulfilled when it was just him and them either.

In the end, I am 10 times happier without him and being single. He has begged repeatedly for reconciliation. In my view? He should be a million times happier, he can now focus on his children.

I don’t know the ins and outs of what is going on with your home and whether your partner is being controlling/ insecure/ needy. All I can share (if it’s helpful) was my experience of trying to be with someone whose whole world pivoted around his children. I hated it and was miserable, because whilst I am a mum and adore my children, my life is not my children. And I was Equally happy when they weren't at home with me vs when they were. So my partner got a fully available person who was deeply fulfilled via my connection to him. I did not get the same back. Miserable. And I shudder when I think back to how thoroughly unhappy it made me feel.

The whole you shouldn't have to check when you have your kids doesn't hold water when the person you live with isn't their other parent. They are entitled to privacy, routine and to know when the kids are staying and if that changes, its basic manners.

I couldn't be with someone who only had time for their kids to the exclusion of all else and expect me to fit in around that. These types of people are better off single until their kids are grown up and left home.

Op you sound like you'd be better of on your own with your kids and she would be much happier without you.

My advice is to openly discuss this with your partner without getting defensive. Listen to what she says. Ultimately if you’re not prepared to make changes (my ex would say what you said before and not being able to change), then this won’t work tbh. And you’re both better off finding someone who is more compatible with your specific needs.

Funnily enough he now promises every change under the sun which I sadly have zero interest in. Figure out what you want and then go for it. Want to not have to check in with someone re your kids? Fine. But then don’t be in a relationship. Can’t have your cake and eat it

Make you happy first, if she’s this much hard work I’d be off to find someone who deserves me. Relationships aren’t meant to be this draining

@KatherineJaneway let's not get together then

[quote HotPenguin]@KatherineJaneway let's not get together then [/quote]

The changing of the childcare arrangements is not a regular thing. Like occasionally when a a birthday falls on the wrong weekend. We're talking more twice a year or something.
The problem is that sometimes I will agree to it if we don't have any plans and then let my gf know. Rather than checking with her first.

If it's twice a year then she's being ridiculous. I'd be very offended if I had my kids 50% of the time and my partner complained if I had them on a very rare extra occasion and made out that I should ask first!!

I genuinely don't know if I can be the person she wants me to be. Actually, I do know, deep down I know I won't ever male her happy. We have discussed this many times.

I think this is true and you need to accept this.

@WildFlowerBees

The whole you shouldn't have to check when you have your kids doesn't hold water when the person you live with isn't their other parent. They are entitled to privacy, routine and to know when the kids are staying and if that changes, its basic manners.

I couldn't be with someone who only had time for their kids to the exclusion of all else and expect me to fit in around that. These types of people are better off single until their kids are grown up and left home.

Op you sound like you'd be better of on your own with your kids and she would be much happier without you.

He said changing the arrangements only happens twice a year or so.

If his childrens mother posted on here saying she had a live in boyfriend and had her children 50% of the time and very occasionally had them on extra days and that her boyfriend complained about it then everyone would say he was awful and treating the kids like a burden and inconvenience, that he clearly didn't like the kids, that she shouldn't have to ask his permission to look after her own kids...I could go on but we know there would be pages and pages and pages of posts saying to LTB.

@WildFlowerBees

The whole you shouldn't have to check when you have your kids doesn't hold water when the person you live with isn't their other parent. They are entitled to privacy, routine and to know when the kids are staying and if that changes, its basic manners.

I couldn't be with someone who only had time for their kids to the exclusion of all else and expect me to fit in around that. These types of people are better off single until their kids are grown up and left home.

Op you sound like you'd be better of on your own with your kids and she would be much happier without you.

Really, so 18+yrs single then. What a preposterous idea. Anyway, stepfamilies do take a bit of negotiation, I always keep DP in the loop concerning last-minute changes or conversations between me and my ex-wife. As a couple we're in the main, in a child-centered relationship, we just make the most of our time when they're not here.

This sounds like so much angst and unhappiness all round.

Very mumsnet but I think you need to seriously think about LTB.

Your happiness directly impacts your children's happiness. I can guarantee they are picking up how unwelcome she is making them in their own home.

Get your ducks in a row and end it. Find someone who actually likes young children and wants to spend time with them and you.

NEVER give up your friends and hobbies for a demanding partner.

You don't really sound like you both have the same ideas of what you want from the relationship.
Sounds miserable tbh and life is too short .
However you don't have to listen to me , I'm a happily single parent and I'm allergic to relationships!

I expected a lot from marriage and would blame DH for me being unhappy, not making friends (due to moving with his work), not having a good job for same reason.

Now many years later I know that the problem was me and I had no reason not to make friends and have a busy life except I'm not a good socialiser and I'm very slow to make friends.

He is a selfish on occasions but that isn't a reason for me not to have made myself a good life. This possibly applies to your GF. We have DCs now grown up.

So I would consider splitting up. She is blaming you when

It's unfair to judge her based on OPs limited perspective. The fact is all we know is that she doesn't feel happy with you. She doesn't feel prioritised with you, she feels your heart isn't in when the kids aren't there. Her feelings may be needy or they may be valid, but if you feel you are doing enough and can't do more then all you can do is let the relationship go.

This relationship needs to end it, you seem incompatible .

You sound very immature op and actually quite selfish.
Your dp doesn't feel a priority and feels you're not invested in her (the fact you live together and share parenting etc but you call her your gf shows that you don't value her).
Either you want to be with her or not.
If you do you need to make her feel appreciated. You need to spend quality time together, not dashing off to do your hobbies every weekend without ensuring you have time/money/energy to do nice things together