I'm having either a mental or a relationship breakdown

[Borderlinemental]

During my teenage years and early twenties all I wanted was to have a boyfriend. I still exceled in other areas, but that's really ball I ever wanted deep down. I really had my first boyfriend when I was 24, we did love each other but my family didn't really like him. The rest of my life hadn't been super easy, but I sort of soldiered on, hoping that once I had my "boyfriend" life would be good. I broke up with my first boyfriend, met my ex husband within months, and at the point that I was sure I wanted out, I fell pregnant. Which let to years of not the happiest of marriages and an overall feeling of feeling trapped. When I was married to my exH my MH was at its worst. Divorced, promised myself I would never live a life of unhappiness ever again and met my now DH. To me he was everything I've always wanted to the T. My life was still not great, went through redundancy and unstable unemployment, but thought my life with him made the rest liveable. But the truth is that behind my back he wasn't the person I thought he was. He's got baggage and an addiction that although superficially I can ignore, it's the years of lies and deceit that make me question everything. He obviously hasn't treated me right for all of the years we've been together, I feel used, and has made our relationship incredibly unbalanced. Which brings me back to the last week or so... I've been struggling substantially and my MH is down the drain, I feel like I'm on the verge of having a breakdown, and feel that maybe life overall is worth living, but maybe the one I have isn't, and I've just been blinded by my childish desire of having someone who loves me, and not only that in "theory" is my perfect man.

There are no magic answers...but it takes many people many years to really find the right partner and all you can do in the meantime is improve the rest of your life.
Assuming you are still married to your DH, take a good hard look at the man he actually is rather than the man you want him to be....
Does he live up to your dream partner ?
It doesn't sounds like it, so leave while you are still young and don't have dcs.

Then work on building your self esteem by organising the rest or your life, work, home friendships, you will be in a better place to find a worthwhile relationship.

Lastly it is not remotely childish to want to find someone who loves you, it is what we all want. Sometimes we have to wait a while to find it, that doesn't mean compromising on someone who treats you badly.

He's still very much in theory the man of my dreams. It really hurts that about two years ago he had a chance to turn his life around (we went to couples therapy) but he didn't. His saving grace is that he does try to change and has some success when he does. We have a 2yo together.

I know I have a temper (which I'm trying to control and have got better at it, and realistically only see red mist about 3 times a year and it's always because of him) but I'm still very angry at my DH and have got into this unhealthy state of mind that because I've forgiven him so much, it's the least he can do.

I even thought of paying a relate counsellor for a 30min chat, but that isn't going to solve anything. I just don't know what I want from my life going forward.

I think it would really help you to reframe the way you think about life. It's not a fairy tale. A man will never be the answer to all your problems or the root of all your happiness, any more than a lottery win would be. Because nothing is. All lives have ups and downs. How we as individuals handle those bumps in the road is the key to being reasonably happy most of the time.

You need to focus on your own resilience, on your own ability to thrive in life, whatever the circumstances. The stronger you become, the less you will feel your dreams are shattered if a man is not perfect or your life has upheavals.

If you have a fixed idea of what makes life perfect then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Nothing makes life perfect. Life isn't perfect.

I'm very much aware of this. I know all people have their own suffering and baggage, but I feel like I've had more than my fair share, and my DH instead of making my life easier, had made it more difficult. Today while I was driving back from the school run I realised that all the things I'm proud of and happy about have no relation to him (apart from our son).

I have a fairly successful career and that (with my dog) are probably the biggest joys in my life at the moment.

When I met him, I thought he was the "missing piece" not a source of grief. It would also be unfair to say that he gives me grief all the time, but I've had to suck up a lot of his flaws to keep our ship afloat.

You are the missing piece, OP. Nobody else. You are responsible for you and your wellbeing.

Stay away from things/people that make you feel negative. Spend more time with people/doing things that make you feel great. That'll solve your husband and mental health problems, and is all you need to know about respecting your own boundaries.

The only thing (person?) That I say makes me happy is my dog! I have no friends, my family lives many hours away. My DH does bring me joy, but he's also brought pain. Life with my dog (and my DC) sounds OK but lonely too. And I'm tired of being lonely. I'm just tired of life (I'm severely anemic and obviously that doesn't help!)

I've been unhappily married, and I've been a single parent. I didn't find the latter remotely lonely. Not having a man in the house doesn't = being lonely. You still seem to be holding on to the idea that you have to have a man to be complete and happy.

When in fact, having a man who has lied and let you down, and so you can't trust, is much worse than not having one at all. Much, much worse.

Do you have fun with your children? I found that DC + job + a hobby made for a lovely life. I've since remarried but abolsutely not because I thought I needed a man. I would very happily remained single if I hadn't happened upon someone who was a brilliant 'fit' for me and DC.

We can't say how your MH inter-relates to your relationship, but I can say for certain that a less than good relationship won't help your MH at all.

But the idea isn't that you simply subtract things that bring you pain. You add in new things. Find things that make you happy.

Unhappy relationships are often happy some of the time. Consistency is what you want. A stable feeling of comfort and contentment. If a relationship doesn't offer you that, and instead offers you intermittent bursts of pain, how do you expect to be able to relax in life? It's like lying in a bed that just every now and again gives you an electric shock; you'd constantly be on alert, even if it was mostly very comfortable and warm.

I can relate to much of what you are saying and have had similar experiences. I have quite recently come to the realisation that the relationship I have been trying to have with partners, is actually the relationship I need to have with myself. I need to know I am there for myself no matter what, that I can give myself unconditional love and support.

There is an easy peace in life to be found in having that relationship with yourself. But it can only be had if you don't have another person draining away all energy you need for yourself. Walk away from him, commit to being with yourself for a while and getting counselling to address your co-dependency. This is the only way to eventually find the relationship you want with others. And get some friends, its easy with little ones, start having playdates and getting to know people.

Oh you sound so sad op.

Can you go for counselling with your husband to see if you can sort it out?

I actually go to therapy, have been going for the past three years or so. My therapist doesn't see much of an issue with our relationship, but does tell me ever so often that I need to treat him like an adult/equal.

No, I don't find much joy from being with my DC, I had major bonding issues with my DD, and I'm a lot better with my DS.

I struggle with the playdates because I work FT and most of the mum's I know want to have them during my working hours. I've met with a few for drinks, but it's early days with them.

How do you not treat him like an adult? In what way?

That sounds so sad that you don’t find joy being with your DC. What ages are they?

Can’t you do play dates on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon?

@watchkeys stability is what I look for in my life. For the past 5 years (as long as I've been withy DH) I haven't had one year that nothing "life changing" happens. Between redundancies, family problems, my DH and his mishaps, my anemia, being HPV positive (which I know is not a big deal but still), the pandemic...I just want to find some peace and stability.

To most of the local mum's, Saturday and Sundays are "family time" which I totally get.

According to my therapist I don't listen to my DH... Example he always wants the baby to go to bed early, the therapist thinks it might be because he wants to spend quality time with me, but instead I prefer an easy life and just take the baby to bed when I know he won't have a meltdown.

Or money wise, I manage the household money, and I actually enjoy that, but has also had to happen because the first two years he didn't contribute his fair share... Then it got better, sure, but even when I went through my second redundancy, instead of pulling all of his money in the joint pot, he spent it on his "addiction".

What is he addicted to?

You don't need a partner to be happy and its dangerous to think like this.
You need to be happy before you start a relationship.
Men aren't a magic formula for happiness, quite the opposite in fact.
I'm 60 with two marriages behind me and I have never been happier than I am now single and doing my own thing. If a man popped up he's have to be very special indeed to give up what I have now for.

I don't think I need him / a man to be happy. But there's so much in my life I can't change (or that I've tried with not a lot of success ie - friends) that I thought being in a loving relationship (with who I thought was my ideal man) would balance it out?

He's addicted to porn, but it's not what he's addicted to that's the problem, it's the addictive personality and the traits that come with it that are the issue.

Don’t you have female friends?

I mean, I don’t have many friends but I’m autistic and a bit weird lol. But I do have a couple I could spend time with.

How bad is his porn addiction? How does it manifest?

No I have ZERO local friends.

His addiction is OK... It's just the lack of financial transparency and debts that have gone to pay for his porn.

How can you say his addiction is ok if it’s causing you to have debts? Raise the bar sister!!

Can you try to join some local clubs (I do know how difficult that can be I joined a knit and knatter during lockdown which we had online on a Tuesday night which was great)

Well it isn't that much money, so it's again the lack of transparency around it that is the issue.

I used to run, but now I can't and I also genuinely don't have the time for clubs, I finish work and then it's household/DC.

You have zero friends, are not well bonded to your DC and your relationship with your DH isn’t great.

I hate to copy another poster but: what what is your relationship with your parents like? What was your upbringing like?

A stable feeling of comfort and contentment. If a relationship doesn't offer you that, and instead offers you intermittent bursts of pain, how do you expect to be able to relax in life? It's like lying in a bed that just every now and again gives you an electric shock; you'd constantly be on alert, even if it was mostly very comfortable and warm

This is spot on! Brilliant analogy.

Why can’t you run? Can’t you get up early before the kids are up even?

Do something that you can do from home in the evening (like my knitting knatter?) ?

I also wonder why you seem to have no one at all that you are close to, not even your children. That’s so sad.