I'm having either a mental or a relationship breakdown

[Borderlinemental]

During my teenage years and early twenties all I wanted was to have a boyfriend. I still exceled in other areas, but that's really ball I ever wanted deep down. I really had my first boyfriend when I was 24, we did love each other but my family didn't really like him. The rest of my life hadn't been super easy, but I sort of soldiered on, hoping that once I had my "boyfriend" life would be good. I broke up with my first boyfriend, met my ex husband within months, and at the point that I was sure I wanted out, I fell pregnant. Which let to years of not the happiest of marriages and an overall feeling of feeling trapped. When I was married to my exH my MH was at its worst. Divorced, promised myself I would never live a life of unhappiness ever again and met my now DH. To me he was everything I've always wanted to the T. My life was still not great, went through redundancy and unstable unemployment, but thought my life with him made the rest liveable. But the truth is that behind my back he wasn't the person I thought he was. He's got baggage and an addiction that although superficially I can ignore, it's the years of lies and deceit that make me question everything. He obviously hasn't treated me right for all of the years we've been together, I feel used, and has made our relationship incredibly unbalanced. Which brings me back to the last week or so... I've been struggling substantially and my MH is down the drain, I feel like I'm on the verge of having a breakdown, and feel that maybe life overall is worth living, but maybe the one I have isn't, and I've just been blinded by my childish desire of having someone who loves me, and not only that in "theory" is my perfect man.

For me,.I've learnt that it's up to me to find my happiness and to believe in myself, all the best op

OP you have had a terrible foundation in life. When i read your update about your upbringing and your DF and DM, I can see that the foundations of your life must be very shaky. Stuff like that doesn't just go away. Think of you as a house and your childhood as its foundations. Your's were not solid, not healthy and certainly not supportive. I really think what lots of other posters have said is the truth. You need to focus on you, making you healthy and fulfilled and not look to others to do that for you. It is no surprise to me that you have issues with your DD as she would represent the wounded child within you that perhaps that you do not wish to entertain/get to know/wish to support as it seems overwhelming. I have been in that place myself and I absolutely promise that by accepting that inner child and the trauma that she experienced as you and your trauma, that it is life changing. Fyi i did this via EMDR therapy which I had after many, many years of psychodynamic therapy.

With my DD it was a confluence of things, I had PND but nobody figured it out until she was like 5 or so. I get along with her a lot better now that she's in her tween/teenage years.

My job/career is the thing that has brought me most happiness over the years, and I have a decent job BUT it's all remote and I really dislike being remote. Unfortunately, it's not something ai can change, just like I just can't move to where I think I would "fit" better.

I think my DH as I told him this morning is decent boyfriend material, but certainly not husband's! He's hurt me over the years, ignoring my worries and pain, and then me just sweeping it under the carpet for a "nice easy life". The truth is that I think we've had a nice relationship just because I've been doing that over the years.

He's promised to change (he's going to therapy for the first time this week) but I don't know of he'll change, or if ai can wait to see of he changes and what are those changes like.

While walking the dog, I just realised that from a practical POV, having no support network is one of the main issues. If I get cancer, if I need a helping hand, if I get ill, need to travel for work, etc.. I have no one to help me. I once said it, and it's true, I could drop dead and nobody would know.

@Borderlinemental you can't change someone else. You wanting him to go to counselling and make up for the things he's done to you - that puts you in the top dog position of your relationship and him as under dog so you feel comfortable and secure. I'm not saying you are doing this consciously but it is what you are doing.

The only person you can change is yourself. That means taking responsibility for putting yourself in the situation you are in. You won't fit anywhere until you fit with yourself.

There's plenty of literature out there about being codependent. You could also join a 12 step programme as an adult child of an alcoholic or a codependent 12 step if you want to build a support network.

To me counseling was nor here nor there this time. He's the one who's choosing to go not me. He's the one the came to the conclusion the that he's a "bad person" not me. I've tried Al-Anon (and the porn version) and I just clash with everyone and the system as whole because of the "higher being" or whatever they call it

Last time I tried to engage with one of those support groups I ended up feeling more anxious and depressed than before because I just couldn't see things the same way as them

I can't do the higher power either. You definitely need to build up some support though and not allow yourself to not go to something else. You can't use dc and housework as an excuse not to go for a run, or go to a yoga class or make friends.

Can you take some holiday from work and make an action plan on how to start making yourself happy and how to love and accept yourself? What books to read, walks to go on, meditations to have. Or go on a yoga and meditation retreat. You have a husband, let him deal with the dc. I think it will only be a sticking plaster for now but you might get a breakthrough.

The only thing I found that helped me was getting sick of my own shit. I had to get completely sick of the disaster relationships (that started off great) and I had to accept that I put myself in those relationships and why was I attracted to them. Until I got sick of my shit and stopped playing the victim (not on purpose but I would be very upset about the treatment I received and couldn't let go of things they had done to me) and my ego had to dissipate. I had to admit to myself I was equally to blame for what happened to me because I put myself in those situations and stayed. I don't think you've reached that point yet. Your brain is doing its best to keep you safe and not see what we're all seeing on this thread.

I live with anaemia of chronic disease, the condition is made worse by having extra iron in any form, so I hear you living with it. I think feeling beyond 'meh' is a real thing on top of which you have a deceitful husband and no support system. Can you push for your infusions to happen more often?
About your therapist: sometimes you have gone as far as you can with a particular one but they don't always mention it. If the shoes don't fit (any more) you not going to walk far. Time for a change. It might be a different therapist or it might be a different flavour like a life coach. Don't be afraid to have a few sessions before deciding if they are a good fit. Your current therapist is supporting your husband instead of you. Wrong!

@DragonOverTheMoon I've thought of going away for a bit, but I think that will have to wait. I have a long holiday booked in May, and a long weekend in a month (although it's supposed to be for our anniversary). I was thinking something like October when my favourite band is playing in London. I've gone out with this group of moms that's I met on Facebook, bit it's only been twice (last time was two weeks ago). I don't know of it's the iron or not, but after 7 I genuinely don't feel like doing absolutely anything.

@PerseverancePays my infusions only happen when they see "fit" but it's not so much about the infusion itself (that process is fairly quick) but the timing of the tests and how they refuse to do them more often.
You're right about my therapist, I always think she's my DHs biggest fan!

@Borderlinemental

They're close friends because they were close at the time... I'm sure if we lived in the same country, we'd definitely see each other more often.

@Watchkeys walking my dog gives immense joy. Simple things like having "chats" with my cat. The other day I did yoga in my conservatory and saw a beautiful and perfect blue sky, that definitely filled my heart with joy.
Most of the times, seeing my DH first thing in the morning makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

What about achieving things? Do you regularly achieve/aim for things?

When I could run, I was a very competitive runner (distance is my thing, pace is secondary to me).

At work, I'm aiming to become director and VP after that. I also want to get back my French language skills so that can be my USP.

I'd also like to go back to being proper athletic, but I'm holding back until I get my infusion.

I really want to get out of debt, so I can enjoy all my hard work, get my LV purse, change cars, buy my Montblanc and Rolex. Probably the latter two once I become a VP, but still.

I can prove to the world that you can be highly achieving and corporate and still be a mother.

You need to be content in your own skin first love. Chasing external things will never make you happy.

I think I'm as content as I can be (or at least much better than before). Yes I don't think like most people (although I like a good debate), I'm socially inept at times, not the most attractive, but at least I don't mind my own reflection anymore and like to take selfies!

I might not be the best mother, but I do think I do my best. I just genuinely think I haven't found my crowd. I can't keep hoping for things that might change, but it's so far away in the future, that I just have to stay put.

I genuinely don't give a toss of what people think of me. I don't like being called "strange" or that people immediately assume I'm neurodivergent. Nothing wrong with it, but I've just never been diagnosed that way.

I can prove to the world

I don't like being called "strange
and
I ended up feeling more anxious and depressed than before because I just couldn't see things the same way as them

These seem to fly in the face of

I genuinely don't give a toss of what people think of me

It seems like you really do give a toss. Can you see why it looks that way?

Sorry, I don't mean to be so questioning but it looks like that thing where you say to someone who is clearly feeling miserable 'Are you ok?' and they stick a smile on and go 'I'm fine! No, really, I'm absolutely fine, completely happy! I'm a really happy person!' and you can't get into the issue with them because they won't even let themselves see it, let alone you.

What my therapist has always told me is... You don't think like most people and that's fine.

It was the arguing with them... The porn one for example I kept saying, it doesn't have any impact on our intimate life (which is true), in fact our sex life is most certainly one of the best things in our relationship. When I told them I was mostly annoyed about the money, they started calling me names and told me I had no self love, that I was a bad example for other ladies etc... Very bizarre.

I think it's the abuse that I sometimes get online that makes me go low.

Why do you get abuse online? What happens that you get abuse? I don’t see that here tbh.

Well if you're attracted to addicts then I can see why it wouldn't have an impact on your sex life that you'd be aware of. But feeling betrayed about the money would have an impact on your intimate relationship because intimacy doesn't equal sex. Intimacy impact would be the loss of trust and it could come out in lots of different ways.

And you do give a shit what people think. That's why you want the material things. That's why you want to be director and VP. If you didn't give a shit you'd have no desire to be in complete control and show off. I've had the same ambitions as you, this isn't a judgement on you.

You won't find your crowd until you find yourself.

Can you honestly not see how your desire to be in control plays out with your ambitions and your relationship? And that it likely stems from your upbringing. You need a different counsellor if you haven't been supported to see your family pattern and survival behaviours that you're still acting out of.

I actually tried to find screenshots! Maybe not the best example... As the other ones where just me commenting on somebody else's post

That’s not abusive?

It’s someone calling you out for being controlling (which you are)?

How am I being controlling?

You’ve decided what your husband will have to do and you’re pushing him to what you want.

Can’t you see that?

I haven't though? Yes, because I had enough with the money issue he was cornered and had no choice but to come clean.

The therapy and self help was not my idea nor suggestion.