I'm having either a mental or a relationship breakdown

[Borderlinemental]

During my teenage years and early twenties all I wanted was to have a boyfriend. I still exceled in other areas, but that's really ball I ever wanted deep down. I really had my first boyfriend when I was 24, we did love each other but my family didn't really like him. The rest of my life hadn't been super easy, but I sort of soldiered on, hoping that once I had my "boyfriend" life would be good. I broke up with my first boyfriend, met my ex husband within months, and at the point that I was sure I wanted out, I fell pregnant. Which let to years of not the happiest of marriages and an overall feeling of feeling trapped. When I was married to my exH my MH was at its worst. Divorced, promised myself I would never live a life of unhappiness ever again and met my now DH. To me he was everything I've always wanted to the T. My life was still not great, went through redundancy and unstable unemployment, but thought my life with him made the rest liveable. But the truth is that behind my back he wasn't the person I thought he was. He's got baggage and an addiction that although superficially I can ignore, it's the years of lies and deceit that make me question everything. He obviously hasn't treated me right for all of the years we've been together, I feel used, and has made our relationship incredibly unbalanced. Which brings me back to the last week or so... I've been struggling substantially and my MH is down the drain, I feel like I'm on the verge of having a breakdown, and feel that maybe life overall is worth living, but maybe the one I have isn't, and I've just been blinded by my childish desire of having someone who loves me, and not only that in "theory" is my perfect man.

Well I have a very distant relationship with my DF, he's an alcoholic and is currently in prison. My DM suffered from extreme paranoia (thanks to my DF!) And we had to constantly move so we weren't "caught".

My DF was abusive to my DM, would through things at her, and would day he'd takes us away from her and out her in a mental institution.

Thanks to that my mother became really distant and was completely oblivious to all the bullying I had to suffer in my teenage years. We get along ok now.

Because of my anemia I can't run. I live my whole life online (and have for the past 10 year or so), and really don't want to keep doing it that way.

Are you getting medical treatment? I’m sorry about your family situation.

Oh OP I can totally relate to this as I divorced my abusive exH only to find myself in yet another abusive relationship and we have a small child together so it’s especially hard for me. I feel like a total failure, especially as a parent as I haven’t been able to give my DC the life I wanted for them. I feel so ashamed that this has happened to me yet again. When we were first together he love-bombed me and seemed so kind and caring. He got me pregnant again on purpose and I went along with it because I just wanted another chance to have a happy family. My last DC should never have been born, he’s so lovely but I wish more than anything that I hadn’t had him. For his sake, as well as mine. It’s so hard, it really is 💜

I'm currently waiting for my iron infusion... That shall take away the fatigue, but not the whole feeling of being "fed up".

According to my therapist I don't listen to my DH... Example he always wants the baby to go to bed early, the therapist thinks it might be because he wants to spend quality time with me, but instead I prefer an easy life and just take the baby to bed when I know he won't have a meltdown

With all due respect, I think your therapist is rubbish. Is the therapy actually helping you to feel better?

Therapists aren't meant to tell you to be happier with your life as it is. They're supposed to encourage and guide you to make decisions you need to make to change things. 'Listen to your husband who pisses you off' is terrible 'therapy'.

Here are my suggestions (having been of your mindset in my twenties and now out the other side):

• Read alain de botton the course of love. Watch his YouTube clips on relationships. He explains in a very nice way that noone is perfect especially you.
• Let go of the idea of a man coming to save you, of there being a 'one'. Read up on internalised misogyny and the Disney trap. It's not your fault because as women we've been socialised to believe it, but your beliefs on this are wrong.
• Work on self esteem. Carry on with the counselling, take medication if needed, find exercise you enjoy, try and cultivate friendships.
• Do something creative just for you, because as humans we are all intrinsically creative and I believe a lot of mh issues come from ignoring this (bit woo but there's a great book called big magic that explains this well). It can be anything you like, writing, drawing, baking, dancing, ice skating, singing. Any way to express yourself.
• Spend some time thinking about what would make you happy and what realistic steps you could take to get there. Pretend your partner doesn't exist for this bit. Once I let go of relying on a man to make me happy I made and went through with so many plans I feel like I've had 8 lives (this is also how I met my now fiance but that's another story!).
• Don't be afraid to cut out toxic people from your life even if they're related to you.
• Don't stay in any relationship out of fear, if you know it's wrong. Trust your gut.
• Treat yourself like your own best friend or your own daughter. Look after yourself and do nice things just for you.
• Look at your finances and figure out if you need more money and strategies to get there. I found it such a boost to be financially independent.

Sorry this is long, basically you don't need a man and you can achieve amazing things on your own.

You need to be single, and you need to learn to like yourself. Work on your relationship with your children as well, do some fun stuff with them. Get rid of your porn addict husband and get some stability and peace of mind. You DON'T need a man to be happy.

@Watchkeys

According to my therapist I don't listen to my DH... Example he always wants the baby to go to bed early, the therapist thinks it might be because he wants to spend quality time with me, but instead I prefer an easy life and just take the baby to bed when I know he won't have a meltdown

With all due respect, I think your therapist is rubbish. Is the therapy actually helping you to feel better?

Therapists aren't meant to tell you to be happier with your life as it is. They're supposed to encourage and guide you to make decisions you need to make to change things. 'Listen to your husband who pisses you off' is terrible 'therapy'.

I agree, @Watchkeys - I think you need a different therapist, @Borderlinemental. You have complex and difficult issues from your birth family that you're now replaying in your new family, and it is affecting everything - from the differences in how you've bonded with your son compared to your daughter, to the shit you tolerate from your husband, to the magical thinking that tells you that someone other than you will rescue you from this.

In a way, you have painted yourself into rather a corner - and that's often what's needed to realise that the only person who can and will get you out of this is you.

As a therapist with a very similar background in some respects to yours, I suggest changing therapist to someone who specialises in psychoanalytical psychotherapy or psychodynamic psychotherapy with an emphasis on family trauma. And also find this book if you can:

The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other by James Hollis

It is a no-punches-pulled dissection of the pursuit of romance and a rescuer (which is very often a way of seeking out redress for an absent father).

But I do like myself! I think I'm one of the smartest, coolest, down to earth, and interesting people I know. I'm kind, try to help others, etc... I think people do like me (at least superficially, but have never been able to establish long friendships). I had friends when I lived in London, so I don't think I'm "unlikeable". Yeah, maybe I'm not traditionally pretty, but that's by the by. That doesn't take any of my mind space.

I can’t imagine thinking I’m smart cool down to earth and interesting that’s a bit odd to me

Well it isn't to me! I genuinely think I'm great :)

It sounds to me a bit like you’re trying to convince yourself you are. If that makes sense.

Read codependency for dummies.
Crappychildhood fairy on YouTube is good too.

I feel you, I do the same things. Am out of denial about my codependency now. Its a work in progress.

Oh no believe me not at all...my closest friends of years have told me (and my family) that not being humble is my biggest flaw.

But you said you don’t have friends? I’m confused now

Not being humble is another form of self protection and ego. You don't love yourself. Sorry but it shines through your posts that you don't.

Also you wouldn't be with someone with problems like your dh if you yourself didn't have problems. Happy, whole, self loving people don't end up with people who don't love themselves.

You're ego is a huge defense. Honestly give the book a read. Or download audible and try it for free.

@DragonOverTheMoon

Not being humble is another form of self protection and ego. You don't love yourself. Sorry but it shines through your posts that you don't.

Also you wouldn't be with someone with problems like your dh if you yourself didn't have problems. Happy, whole, self loving people don't end up with people who don't love themselves.

You're ego is a huge defense. Honestly give the book a read. Or download audible and try it for free.

I agree with this 100% and I’ve never read the books - just hard learned life experience

@AchillesPoirot I said I have no local friends. Seeing my friends once every 3 years and chatting to them every now and then isn't my idea of human interaction.

What do you do for yourself on a regular basis, OP, to prove your love to yourself? What do you do that makes you feel glad to be alive, to have your life, to shape it in a way that makes you able to love it?

But if you’re only charting now and again and not seeing each other, are they really close friends?

I’m sorry I’m really confused and not understanding.

*chatting

If you want to be happy you have to accept responsibility to be happy. It's really hard to do that when you grow up in dysfunctional families, which you have. You don't leave the family home and have all those problems disappear, that's why you've ended up with another addict.

When we haven't been looked after as a child we search and search to be looked after. Consciously or not. And you are not taking care of yourself, if you were you'd be making yourself happy.

I wish I could go back to my twenties and impart this into my head!

If you want to do the work and be happy the first step is to get out of denial and admit you have a problem. Then take responsibility for putting yourself in the position you are in and work out what to do to get yourself happy.

I wish you luck OP. I'm further along this journey than you, I had therapy off and on throughout my twenties and I'm still doing it in my thirties.

They're close friends because they were close at the time... I'm sure if we lived in the same country, we'd definitely see each other more often.

@Watchkeys walking my dog gives immense joy. Simple things like having "chats" with my cat. The other day I did yoga in my conservatory and saw a beautiful and perfect blue sky, that definitely filled my heart with joy.
Most of the times, seeing my DH first thing in the morning makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

@DragonOverTheMoon

Not being humble is another form of self protection and ego. You don't love yourself. Sorry but it shines through your posts that you don't.

Also you wouldn't be with someone with problems like your dh if you yourself didn't have problems. Happy, whole, self loving people don't end up with people who don't love themselves.

You're ego is a huge defense. Honestly give the book a read. Or download audible and try it for free.

Yes, I agree. It's compensatory behaviour, and entirely unconscious so you won't necessarily be aware of it at all, @Borderlinemental. But it's clear as day from the outside.