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Original poster

Why did she keep the letter?

76 replies

Ozmi · 20/03/2022 08:44

When I was a teen, my life circumstances weren't good. I wrote to an aunt asking for help for something specific. She was great & helped. End of story. This aunt lived alone, had a tidy well kept home & didn't have clutter anywhere. She has died now, 35yrs since I wrote the letter. Her house is being cleared & my letter was found in the top drawer of her bedside cabinet. The drawer wasn't crammed with stuff so as you'd forget the letter. There was only a book, a lipsalve, and eyemask & my letter in there. Now I feel shamed by the family for the contents of that letter. It was private and they shouldn't have seen it. Why did my aunt keep it? It had no relevance to our later lives. I don't understand.

OP posts:
Babadook76 · 20/03/2022 08:45

Ok. The obvious questions so we can come up with some answers are what was in the letter and why did you write it?

dudsville · 20/03/2022 08:47

It is such a shame it ended up being found, it sounds very private. But as to why she kept it, I'm inclined to think that it meant a lot to her that you reached out to her. It may have given her a sense of being needed and useful, a sense of connection with our a role, a purpose in her family.

GoIntoTheLight · 20/03/2022 08:47

Maybe your letter was meaningful to her in some way?

AHungryCaterpillar · 20/03/2022 08:47

I wrote a horrible letter to my mum when I was a teen and she still has it (I wrote it because she kicked me out at 15) some people just hang on to things!

Luckingfovely · 20/03/2022 08:48

Sadly, the only person that can answer that question would have been your aunt. I'm sorry for your loss.

If you explain the request in more detail, people will be able to offer opinions, but nothing more.

I would also ask yourself - are your family really shaming you for something 35 years ago, or are you projecting your own sense of shame onto them?

There's a big difference, and it may help you to explore this further rather than dwelling on your late aunt's actions.

wildseas · 20/03/2022 08:49

I would say that the most likely explanation is that she kept it because she treasured it.

You feel that it is shaming / embarrassing because it was upsetting for you. But from her point of view could it also show that you loved, trusted, relied on her? That might have meant a lot to her, especially if she didn’t have her own children.

Monty27 · 20/03/2022 08:55

More details OP

Original poster
Ozmi · 20/03/2022 09:00

I'd asked for money to buy a coat. It was winter, snowing, and I didn't have one. She sent £20.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ozmi · 20/03/2022 09:00

It was the only time I ever reached out for help to anyone.

OP posts:
Juno22 · 20/03/2022 09:01

You make it sound as if she did something wrong. It was her letter to keep. You'll never know why she kept it.

Did you repay her help to you with kindness in which case she may have treasured the letter? Or did you take her gift and move on, in which case she may have been hurt and felt used? Only you know the answer to that.

ldontWanna · 20/03/2022 09:02

She kept it because it meant something to her, a reminder that she helped you and was there for you when you needed and only trusted her,a reminder of how far you've come. She probably didn't realise she'd die without being able to hide it or get rid of it and that your family will go through her drawers and read it.

You're upset because your family found it and are being dicks about it and shaming you using personal information they wouldn't have known otherwise. That's on your family,not you or your aunt. It also explains why you went to her for help.

Juno22 · 20/03/2022 09:02

Ozmi I replied before seeing your response about the coat. You didn't have a coat?

Original poster
Ozmi · 20/03/2022 09:05

@Juno22

Ozmi I replied before seeing your response about the coat. You didn't have a coat?
No, and it was bitter. I had to put on a face at school and pretend I didn't feel the cold & didn't care. Despite freezing my balls off. We were close (although geographically far apart).
OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 20/03/2022 09:11

Given she didn't keep everything like PPs I'd say she valued it. It was meaningful to her. Maybe it helped her in tough moments to know you reached out to her, trusted her. I doubt it occurred to her to think about it being found after her death. I'm sorry you feel shamed, but honestly if it's not just your internal feelings and your family have made you feel shamed for this then that really doesn't reflect well on them, not you. Most people go through tough times in one way or another, there is no shame in reaching out for help or in needing help in the first place.

Juno22 · 20/03/2022 09:13

Ozmi that's sad and it must have been hard for you to reach out. I imagine you meant a lot to her which is why she kept the letter.

Sorry for your loss.

layladomino · 20/03/2022 09:13

Bless you for being in that position, that must have been so awful. I guess she treasured the letter in some way. She was glad that you reached out to her perhaps. Would you say you have an otherwise good relationship with your family now?

Feelingoktoday · 20/03/2022 09:14

She treasured it. Your reached out the her. It made her feel good. Ignore your family. Just keep those lovely thoughts about your aunt and how she helped you. Perhaps she didn’t have much contact with family and was lonely.

Turningpurple · 20/03/2022 09:15

She kept it because it held some value to her. Sentimental. Could be for all sorts of reason why she felt that way.

Your family who are shaming you are wrong. They didn't provide a coat for child at the time and the child had to be the one to fix it. They should be ashamed.

I very much doubt they could not have scrapped the money together of a few weeks to get one from charity shop at least.

Even if they genuinely couldn't, they shouldn't be shaming you that you sought help when they couldn't provide the basics.

forcedfun · 20/03/2022 09:18

The people who should be ashamed are your family surely?

ApolloandDaphne · 20/03/2022 09:19

My DM and I had a falling out shortly after I got married. She sent me a letter afterwards and we resolved matters. 37 years later I still have that letter in my bedside drawer. It reminds me that we are both only human and are fallible.

Lindy2 · 20/03/2022 09:22

Her being able to help you when you were in need was probably important to her. If that was the only time you reached out then that was a significant thing for her and you.

If she'd have wanted to use it to shame anyone it wouldn't have been a secret for 35 years.

Don't be ashamed. It sounds like you did exactly the right thing asking for help. You took responsibility and solved the problem the best way you could when others let you down. She sent you the money so she wanted to help you.

CannaBelieve · 20/03/2022 09:24

Maybe she kept it as a reminder if your family/carers not providing a coat!

To shame THEM maybe?

bonfireheart · 20/03/2022 09:24

Has your family seen this letter now and are making you feel bad about it? Rather than then feeling bad that a child didn't have a coat? Didn't they notice when you suddenly had a coat?

BadNomad · 20/03/2022 09:25

I agree with the others. She probably felt honoured that you trusted her enough to reach out to her in your time of need. That letter was a reminder for her.

LucyLocketLostThePlot · 20/03/2022 09:29

You have nothing to be ashamed about OP. I'm sorry you had to go through that.