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Original poster

Why did she keep the letter?

76 replies

Ozmi · 20/03/2022 08:44

When I was a teen, my life circumstances weren't good. I wrote to an aunt asking for help for something specific. She was great & helped. End of story. This aunt lived alone, had a tidy well kept home & didn't have clutter anywhere. She has died now, 35yrs since I wrote the letter. Her house is being cleared & my letter was found in the top drawer of her bedside cabinet. The drawer wasn't crammed with stuff so as you'd forget the letter. There was only a book, a lipsalve, and eyemask & my letter in there. Now I feel shamed by the family for the contents of that letter. It was private and they shouldn't have seen it. Why did my aunt keep it? It had no relevance to our later lives. I don't understand.

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 20/03/2022 11:54

Asking a relative to help you out with adequate clothing is not a shameful dirty secret OP. Putting myself in your aunts position, keeping the letter, it could have been for two reasons 1) she felt glad you'd reached out to her. 2) she was keeping evidence of abuse should it be needed 🤷‍♀️

mumda · 20/03/2022 11:56

Maybe she felt she needed to keep it to remind her that you'd loved her enough to ask for her help.

GeneLovesJezebel · 20/03/2022 11:58

I think it’s nice that she kept your letter. They gave it back to you to show that she kept it, not to shame you.
She obviously thought a lot of you.

Newestname002 · 20/03/2022 14:05

@Ozmi

I realise now, reading all your replies, that I feel humiliated because the letter was handed back to me. So it felt like a confirmation that family now know my dirty secret and it was up to me to dispose of it.

You are not the person who should have any humiliation or shame in this situation. The other members of your family, who should have cared enough for you to ensure you were properly clothed and cared for, and know you were loved, are the people who should feel on them. Shame on them if they don't. 🌹

GingerFigs · 20/03/2022 14:21

Agree with @GeneLovesJezebel your family gave the letter back to you not to shame you (unless they have said something awful about it, and if they did then shame on them, you were a child and your caregivers were neglectful) but to show you that your aunt kept it. If they'd just binned it you'd never know. I have cleared relatives' estates and if they kept something from someone I have always given it back, or at least offered it back (they maybe didn't want it).

It often brings comfort when someone passes that they have kept something from you for years. Maybe the letter made your aunt feel loved and valued that you asked HER for help and not someone else.

Ratatoo · 20/03/2022 18:13

Don't you feel ashamed. You were a child there's no shame on this for you Thanks

Momijin · 20/03/2022 18:30

The only people it shames is the people who should have been looking after you. That's awful op. I reckon it was deliberate and maybe to show you with adult eyes that it isn't acceptable. I'm sorry for your loss

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 20/03/2022 18:40

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed for OP.

I think you behaved very maturely and your aunt was able and willing to help you.

You are not that teenager any more, you are an adult . Look back at it with adult eyes. Something I have found very helpful sometimes is mentally to give my younger self a hug, and say, "There love, that was not your fault, well done for getting through it".

Please try that as the adult you now are.

You did nothing wrong and showed great maturity, resilience and ingenuity in a horrible situation. The adult me is telling you that.

💕💐

me4real · 20/03/2022 22:03

The ones who should feel humiliated are those who neglected you or didn't help you @Ozmi .

You were a child/young person, and freezing cold.

HeDidWhattt · 20/03/2022 22:10

Don’t be ashamed, you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s them who should feel appalled at their behaviour!

The only good thing that’s comes from neglect is you know exactly how NOT to treat your own kids.

MrsLegend · 21/03/2022 01:19

I think she would have kept it because she was honoured that you felt you could ask her because you were so close.

If my niece asked me to buy her a coat as she didn't have one, I'd be very touched that she was reaching out to me!

Sswhinesthebest · 21/03/2022 01:23

Why are your family shaming you now?
They should feel the shame..

You should have absolutely no shame!

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/03/2022 01:42

I wonder if they are going on the theory that the best defence is offence. They are ashamed that their shitty treatment of you was not only known by others but put under a spotlight all these years later.

They are angry that they cant pretend that it never happened and that your aunt felt it important enough all those years later to keep the letter.

I wonder if it was handed over in a "Oh I think THIS is YOURS" kind of way, with the subtext of "thanks for showing me up as the shit parent I know I was".

Lurking9to5 · 21/03/2022 01:50

Frame fhe letter. Hangnit up.

This is not yr shame. Rhe people who wouldn't buy you a coat are embarrassed and trying to pass that back to you

Nandocushion · 21/03/2022 02:01

@StringFellow

Why is it your dirty secret that your caregivers didn’t provide you with a coat? Sad I don’t know the exact circumstances but it doesn’t sound as though you were looked after as you should have been, that’s not your fault or something you should feel humiliated by. Why do you feel that way?
I agree with this and although I don't know any of the circumstances here, I feel outraged on your behalf that anyone at all is trying to make YOU feel badly that you weren't cared for properly and so you needed to ask for help with basic necessities. Your aunt was probably also outraged, and left a reminder of that. Anyone who tries to pin this on you quite frankly needs their arse handed to them, and forcefully.
PyongyangKipperbang · 21/03/2022 02:15

I feel horrible for thinking this and have been in two minds whether to post it but........

Given that its obvious how much your aunt cared for you, did she leave an estate? Is it possible that she left you something? I only ask because I have seen on here where family members havent executed a will correctly, basically trousering the lot themselves, so was wondering if any of the people responsible for your childhood neglect are involved and may be keeping it from you.

I am really sorry to bring this up but these are clearly not people you can trust to do the right thing so I thought I would just mention it. Sorry for being insensitive and I am so sorry for the loss of your aunt Flowers

AgentJohnson · 21/03/2022 03:18

Your family shaming you for being a poor teen is disgusting and the only shame here is on them. You’ve obviously still have unresolved feelings about this difficult period in your life but you needn’t feel ashamed, you did nothing to be ashamed about.

unname · 21/03/2022 03:21

@PyongyangKipperbang
That would be an amazing outcome here. Hope it’s the case!

spotcheck · 21/03/2022 03:36

@GreyCarpet

I agree with others about why sheight have kept it.

I would keep a letter of this nature.

Throwing it away would feel like discarding the feelings of the sender. Maybe it was her way of keeping your confidence and holding it safe. I'm sorry your family found it and you feel shame. The shame, as others have said, is your parents' though. Not yours Flowers

This

OP
If you carry shame over your childhood circumstances, perhaps you would consider counseling?

Usually, after 35 years, you've gained perspective- especially if you have children- you tend to view your younger self with more caring eyes.

1forAll74 · 21/03/2022 04:15

Older people tend to treasure letters., so was a memory for her. part of her life in a way. I would have kept the letter too, no matter what it was about.

thegoldenone · 21/03/2022 05:40

Op I think she kept it because she loved you . And also the shame your family . I can imagine then giving it back to you to shame you but deep down they done that out of embarrassment and to try to hurt you. If it didn't get to them they would of just binned it. You have nothing to worry about at all. It's sad as hell that you had to freeze and pretend you were not cold because your parents could not or didn't want to provide for you. If I were your parents I would die of shame . Move on and move on from your parents . It will do you the world of good . Also I'm assuming there's a will . Do you know if anything is left to you ? I found a letter off my father which he sent to my Nan. This letter was sent about 35 years ago and it said how horrible he had been to my mother and Nan and how much he loved them . Now I never would of thought my father had that in him . My Nan hated him so don't know why she kept it . I have it now and have kept it in my bedroom for the last 6 years . It's because I love him and cherish it x

Original poster
Ozmi · 21/03/2022 07:13

There is no inheritance for those talking about it. Her estate went directly to her dc. What I've realised now, having time for reflection, is that receiving the letter hurt me badly & took me directly back to a time when I suffered a lot. If I hadn't been given the letter back, I wouldn't have remembered it or the flood of memories. It was unnecessesary to return it.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/03/2022 07:22

I’m sorry
You should feel no shame
You were a cold child and god bless her for helping you
My inclination is that your plight and her being able to help meant a lot to her

It’s horrible the memories have come back
But you should feel no shame whatsoever

ldontWanna · 21/03/2022 07:23

@Ozmi

There is no inheritance for those talking about it. Her estate went directly to her dc. What I've realised now, having time for reflection, is that receiving the letter hurt me badly & took me directly back to a time when I suffered a lot. If I hadn't been given the letter back, I wouldn't have remembered it or the flood of memories. It was unnecessesary to return it.
It was, but they just wanted to get one more dig in.
DysmalRadius · 21/03/2022 07:28

Are the family members that gave you the letter back the same ones that should have been buying teen you a coat? Why are you ashamed that you didn't have a coat when there should have been adults ensuring that you had one? It signs like you've been conditioned to accept blame for other people's failings.