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Original poster

Why did she keep the letter?

76 replies

Ozmi · 20/03/2022 08:44

When I was a teen, my life circumstances weren't good. I wrote to an aunt asking for help for something specific. She was great & helped. End of story. This aunt lived alone, had a tidy well kept home & didn't have clutter anywhere. She has died now, 35yrs since I wrote the letter. Her house is being cleared & my letter was found in the top drawer of her bedside cabinet. The drawer wasn't crammed with stuff so as you'd forget the letter. There was only a book, a lipsalve, and eyemask & my letter in there. Now I feel shamed by the family for the contents of that letter. It was private and they shouldn't have seen it. Why did my aunt keep it? It had no relevance to our later lives. I don't understand.

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 20/03/2022 09:33

You are not the one who needs to bear any shame for that scenario at all.

40Jem · 20/03/2022 09:48

Nothing to feel ashamed about at all. If you are being "shamed" by family now, that maybe explains why you didn't have a coat back then . It's your family that should be ashamed of themselves.

Original poster
Ozmi · 20/03/2022 10:19

@CannaBelieve

Maybe she kept it as a reminder if your family/carers not providing a coat!

To shame THEM maybe?

I realise now, reading all your replies, that I feel humiliated because the letter was handed back to me. So it felt like a confirmation that family now know my dirty secret and it was up to me to dispose of it. What they could have done was just binned it and then I'd have been none the wiser. I hadn't thought about your angle Cana and there's probably some truth to it.
OP posts:
northbacchus · 20/03/2022 10:22

She either kept it as she cared that you'd reached out to her and wanted a reminder of that, or because she was appalled that you'd been without a coat in winter.

Hopefully whoever was responsible for you going without a coat regrets that now.

StringFellow · 20/03/2022 10:23

Why is it your dirty secret that your caregivers didn’t provide you with a coat? Sad I don’t know the exact circumstances but it doesn’t sound as though you were looked after as you should have been, that’s not your fault or something you should feel humiliated by. Why do you feel that way?

ldontWanna · 20/03/2022 10:28

@Ozmi you were a child. You had no choice. You had no control over it. It's not your fault,or your dirty secret. Your carers failed you. You didn't. You were a child suffering because of the ones supposed to care and look after you. You were a child and found a solution to fix something that the responsible adults around you caused.
You were a child. It's not your fault.

sweetzy · 20/03/2022 10:29

@Ozmi

I'd asked for money to buy a coat. It was winter, snowing, and I didn't have one. She sent £20.
I agree with the PP that said the shame is on them not you. If someone is giving you a hard time about it, I'd bet they're feeling guilty that you had to reach out to buy a coat.

Obviously we can't answer why your aunt kept the letter but I don't get the impression it was with any intended malice.

CannaBelieve · 20/03/2022 10:30

I had friends back then who had very little. I'm in my early 50's now so in the 70's/80's I remember

Some parents put smoking/drinking above providing for their kids. Some just didn't have enough money to go around. We didn't have the benefit system that we have now. It was very basic

I remember giving a friend a jumper once. She wore it all the time. Constantly. I often wondered what she would have worn if I hadn't given it to her

IncompleteSenten · 20/03/2022 10:31

Th shame for a child having to ask a relative for a coat is not the child's. It is the parents.
Don't feel ashamed. Feel angry. If they say anything, tell them how disgusting it was that you had to ask her. It's a parent's duty to provide.

It's not your 'dirty secret'. It's theirs.

Movingonup22 · 20/03/2022 10:34

This is not your shame!!!!!!!!

I’m an aunt and I would keep something like this because I love my nieces so much and it would be a reminder that they trusted me enough to ask me

MayMorris · 20/03/2022 10:37

@CannaBelieve

Maybe she kept it as a reminder if your family/carers not providing a coat!

To shame THEM maybe?

Yes, I think this is more likely. That she was appalled by a child asking for money for a coat because they were so cold. Whilst she provided the coat, you don’t know what else she may have tried to do, who she may have talked to and the wider implications of that letter. Maybe she wanted it as a reminder of how shitty those family members who should have helped you were.
If I had received a letter like that, it would have had a very significant impact on me emotionally. I may have kept it to remind me just how awful life can be sometimes to some people.
Prettynails · 20/03/2022 10:38

@BadNomad

I agree with the others. She probably felt honoured that you trusted her enough to reach out to her in your time of need. That letter was a reminder for her.
This. She maybe kept it as a reminder not to judge someone and that she was loved and valued
GreenClock · 20/03/2022 10:40

Neither you nor your aunt has done anything wrong. The opposite, in fact!

No child should be without a winter coat. Your lovely aunt was probably shocked and disgusted. Maybe she wanted to keep evidence of your mistreatment in case it was ever needed, and subsequently, when you reached adulthood, felt that the letter was too important to chuck.

diploc · 20/03/2022 10:41

I think she kept it because it was important to her, no other reason. Putting myself in her shoes, I would have found it moving to have received the request from my niece, and it would have made me feel honoured knowing that my niece trusted that I would help her.

FairyCakeWings · 20/03/2022 10:41

The people who are making you feel bad now instead of apologising that you were ever in that position are just passing their shame on to you. It’s easier to blame someone else if it means they don’t have to acknowledge they created that situation and the embarrassment they’d have felt if they’d been aware someone knew.

Refuse to be ashamed OP, you did nothing wrong.

Lovelydovey · 20/03/2022 10:43

I found a letter from my uncle to my dad when clearing my dads possessions. It was an apology for being an arse and asking to clear the air before he moved back to the area 40+ years ago when they were in their twenties. I posted it back to my uncle with a post it saying I thought it belonged to him rather than anyone else. Sometimes these things mean more than you think.

RantyAunty · 20/03/2022 10:46

Are the people trying to make you feel bad the same ones who couldn't be arsed to buy you a coat?

GreyCarpet · 20/03/2022 10:48

I agree with others about why sheight have kept it.

I would keep a letter of this nature.

Throwing it away would feel like discarding the feelings of the sender. Maybe it was her way of keeping your confidence and holding it safe. I'm sorry your family found it and you feel shame. The shame, as others have said, is your parents' though. Not yours Flowers

unname · 20/03/2022 10:50

It sounds like it’s time to work on dealing with the shame you feel for things that were not your fault.

Been there.

LemonViolets · 20/03/2022 10:51

@northbacchus

She either kept it as she cared that you'd reached out to her and wanted a reminder of that, or because she was appalled that you'd been without a coat in winter.

Hopefully whoever was responsible for you going without a coat regrets that now.

1000% this.

The kept it out of love and kindness.

The family that handed it back to you to shame you, are they the same family that didn’t provide a child at school with a coat?

Whoever handed it back to you should be the ones embarrassed,
you were a child who was at best neglected and at worse abused asking a family member you trusted for help, you should be proud not embarrassed, I bet there are a lot of children in that situation who suffered rather than asking for help out of embarrassment.

You have nothing to be ashamed about.

DancinOnTheCeiling · 20/03/2022 10:56

[quote ldontWanna]**@Ozmi you were a child. You had no choice. You had no control over it. It's not your fault,or your dirty secret. Your carers failed you. You didn't. You were a child suffering because of the ones supposed to care and look after you. You were a child and found a solution to fix something that the responsible adults around you caused.
You were a child. It's not your fault.[/quote]
This is spot on.

I’m so sorry this happened to you @Ozmi. I’m sorry you’re feeling shame and think of it as a dirty secret. Having clothes in the winter is a basic need. You were resourceful when your basic need wasn’t met. It wasn’t your job to do that but you should be applauded for being so resourceful. We can’t know why your aunt kept the letter but I agree with PPs that the letter was meaningful to her. Her intention will not have been to shame you, and I hope you can shift your perspective on this. Xx

Mellowyellow222 · 20/03/2022 11:08

There is no shame in a child asking for help - well there is - for your care givers.

Maybe your aunt felt shame that she didn’t do more? Maybe it was a reminder to here that she had some value and you trusted her enough to ask for help.

If my niece wrote a letter like this to me I couldn’t imagine throwing it out - it is so loaded with emotion.

I am so sorry you had such a difficult childhood. I am glad your aunt was able to help a little. Did £20 buy a coat though?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/03/2022 11:18

I thought when I first read this that your Aunt had helped you pay off a debt or given you the deposit for a car or something.
Your rotten family thought they would "shame" you over £20!!! Even allowing for inflation that is such a small sum for them to be trying to shame you over.
Maybe your aunt kept the letter because it was proof that your needs were not being met as a child and she was glad that she'd help you. I think it shows a concern for you that she kept it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/03/2022 11:34

Your aunt loved you. The shame was not yours to bear. Asking for her help will have been deeply meaningful for her. She probably kept as she was concerned about you. Perhaps she kept an eye on you after that and had it as evidence then kept it thereafter. Just know that the love and trust you showed her that day meant a great deal to her.

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/03/2022 11:44

@Ozmi

I'd asked for money to buy a coat. It was winter, snowing, and I didn't have one. She sent £20.
Your family are the shit heads. You did nothing wrong and should feel no shame.

I'd be exploring why you are still in contact with these members of your family. They sound deeply unpleasant and uncaring.