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Original poster

Ghosted after a first date

59 replies

Brightstar29 · 20/03/2022 08:35

I met this guy a few weeks ago on a night out, so not through old which makes a change from the norm these days. So we had already spoken in person and knew there was attraction there. From then we were sending each other about 5-10 text messages per day and met up a couple of nights ago at a casual pub for food and drinks on his suggestion. I offered to pay my half for things but he wouldn’t have it and insisted on paying. Had a really good time, we both agreed there was a connection and lots of flirting too, both agreed we wanted to meet up again and ended with a kiss.

Since then however radio silence from him. I sent a text yesterday saying thanks for the night I had a really nice time but no response which I find rude. I know yesterday wasn’t long ago but normally replies would be quicker so it’s a change in pattern. I just find it very strange, my only theory is that maybe he just wanted one thing and didn’t get it straight away (he’s not long out of a serious relationship), I’m not opposed to having something casual but I still prefer to get to know someone a bit before I jump into bed with them. Rationally I know it’s probably not anything to do with me but still a bit damaging to my ego.

OP posts:
AHungryCaterpillar · 20/03/2022 12:03

@FeelFreeNotToAnswer

People are being a bit harsh. It wasn't just one date was it really, they met "a few weeks ago" and sent "5-10 texts daily". Then eventually met up again. She has been in touch with him for weeks, everyday. It's not the same as going on just one date.

OP I can see why you got invested 🤷‍♀️ I have no idea why he ghosted you but just block and move on. Honestly people are strange.

And this is why people are advised to meet up straight away/ as soon as possible and not drag it out for weeks to avoid building up a false sense of intimacy.
ImInStealthMode · 20/03/2022 12:08

@Hausa You really wouldn't give the other human the respect of 10 seconds to send a text saying 'It was nice to meet you, but I didn't feel we had the chemistry I'm looking for so I'm out' or something to that effect?

I think that's staggeringly rude.

burnoutbabe · 20/03/2022 12:11

yep, very rude, particulary if the other person has made contact.

fine if NEITHER makes contact, as then clearly neither is interested.

Hausa · 20/03/2022 12:16

[quote ImInStealthMode]@Hausa You really wouldn't give the other human the respect of 10 seconds to send a text saying 'It was nice to meet you, but I didn't feel we had the chemistry I'm looking for so I'm out' or something to that effect?

I think that's staggeringly rude. [/quote]
After one date? I would not and I wouldn’t expect it from anyone else. I would actually consider the ‘not interested’ message to be ruder and considerably more unpleasant than just not hearing from someone again.

burnoutbabe · 20/03/2022 12:28

but a not interested message - in response to the OPs text of having had a great time - is far kinder.

Else she just waits for a week or so trying to work out what happened - maybe his phone died/maybe someone is ill/work emergency? should she give him benefit of the doubt and try again etc. Maybe he assumed she wasn't interested as her message didn't suggest date 2.

Just does your head in, all this thinking, after what looks like a good date. Easier if you immediately get a response of was fun but not for me, good luck!

AHungryCaterpillar · 20/03/2022 12:29

I agree Hausa I would be mortified if someone sent me a message saying they weren’t Interested in me, I would much rather it just fizzled out.

ImInStealthMode · 20/03/2022 12:38

I dated a lot before I met DP and I have far more respect for those who followed up dates with a quick 'Thanks but no thanks' message than the cowardly snakes that just disappeared into thin air. I'm a grown up. I appreciate that everyone isn't going to fall madly in love with me and hearing that someone didn't think we clicked has no impact on my self-esteem.

What if the date had gone really well (in your opinion) and you'd like to see him/her again? You honestly just wouldn't be at all bothered if you never heard a peep from them again?

Original poster
Brightstar29 · 20/03/2022 12:39

Just to clarify, my issue is not the fact that it’s looking like he doesn’t want to go out again because each to their own with that. It’s that he actively said he wanted to go out again whilst on the date and initiated kiss at the end. And has then gone quiet and also not responded to that text which is rude. Had he not said he wanted to go out again and initiated kiss etc then it wouldn’t have offended me in the same way it has done. So it’s the rudeness and saying one thing but doing another that’s bothered me.

OP posts:
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 20/03/2022 12:46

It's just bad manners.

If you hadn't got into contact I wouldn't necessarily expect him to, but the decent thing to do is to acknowledge your message and explain that he's not interested in anything more.

Hausa · 20/03/2022 12:49

@ImInStealthMode

I dated a lot before I met DP and I have far more respect for those who followed up dates with a quick 'Thanks but no thanks' message than the cowardly snakes that just disappeared into thin air. I'm a grown up. I appreciate that everyone isn't going to fall madly in love with me and hearing that someone didn't think we clicked has no impact on my self-esteem.

What if the date had gone really well (in your opinion) and you'd like to see him/her again? You honestly just wouldn't be at all bothered if you never heard a peep from them again?

I think this is to me? Then, nope. I have never been so invested after one date that not hearing from them again would bother me. And I wouldn’t consider them a cowardly snake.

Until this thread, it honestly never occurred to me that anyone would actually prefer a ‘not interested’ message. I certainly wouldn’t.

Hausa · 20/03/2022 12:50

@AHungryCaterpillar

I agree Hausa I would be mortified if someone sent me a message saying they weren’t Interested in me, I would much rather it just fizzled out.
Yes! I’m very surprised at some of these comments.
Hausa · 20/03/2022 12:53

@burnoutbabe

but a not interested message - in response to the OPs text of having had a great time - is far kinder.

Else she just waits for a week or so trying to work out what happened - maybe his phone died/maybe someone is ill/work emergency? should she give him benefit of the doubt and try again etc. Maybe he assumed she wasn't interested as her message didn't suggest date 2.

Just does your head in, all this thinking, after what looks like a good date. Easier if you immediately get a response of was fun but not for me, good luck!

I wouldn’t be thinking any of this after one date, though. After a few dates, certainly. But not if I’d only met them once.

Clearly, from this thread, lots of people feel differently!

Crimeismymiddlename · 20/03/2022 13:00

I hate those uninterested messages. I fact I got one before the date this week. The man told me he thought I had second thoughts and ‘was not that upset’ bit of a punch in the gut from someone I had never even met.
I could see you think he is rude, but it is not a ghosting. You probably are invested due to the all the messaging so are much more bothered than you would be if you just met the next day.

ImInStealthMode · 20/03/2022 13:02

@Hausa It's a lack of basic respect for the other person though. If I have a meeting at work with a new supplier that's obviously not going to be something we'll move forward on I would still follow up with a 'thanks for your time'. Same with dating. It costs nothing and lets the other person know exactly where they stand.

Lpc3 · 20/03/2022 13:04

Maybe he has had bad experiences with sending a 'had a great time but I'm not wanting to go any further' message. As a man I've found a lot of women really take it to heart and can act overly sensitive / become aggressive/rude so I've stopped sending those sorts of messages.

Original poster
Brightstar29 · 20/03/2022 13:09

I think it’s that he’s said one thing then done another that’s bothered me. If he hadn’t said anything at all about wanting to meet up again it would be less confusing. That’s what’s made me think he might have just wanted one thing on the night we went out maybe.

OP posts:
Hausa · 20/03/2022 13:28

@ImInStealthMode I really don’t see it that way. Like I’ve said, I would much rather not hear from someone again than receive the sort of message you’ve described. As you’ll see from some of the comments, I’m not alone in this.

dottydodah · 20/03/2022 13:42

If hes not long out of a serious RL .Is it possible hes got back together with his ex maybe? Perhaps he did like you but sometimes people get back together again .I would disregard him anyway .If he wants sex first outing then maybe hes not for you .Lots more guys out there!

Aprilx · 20/03/2022 13:43

I am in my 50s now and this is what dating always used to be like. You go on a date, if you don’t feel a connection, chemistry, whatever, then you don’t repeat it and usually that was by not calling again. He doesn’t want to date you again. That is all.

WatieKatie · 20/03/2022 13:47

Honestly OP I think it’s just how some men operate. I’ve had a surprising number of first dates who at the time go so far as to plan the second date, say how much they like me, enjoyed the date etc and then you never hear from them again.

OliveToboogie · 20/03/2022 14:31

You kept your dignity and respect that is priceless. A lot of men just want casual sex and if they don't get it they simply move on. Sign of the times I'm afraid.

Jamoffmytoast · 20/03/2022 14:59

My guess is on this being to do with his LTR. Either, he does like you but he's thinking it's too soon for him to get involved, or he's realised he's not over her, or she's back on the scene, just by coincidence or because she knows he's dating. Don't take it personally. You did the right thing to text him because otherwise you'd not know, but I'd delete his number now (but not block him.) He may well get back in touch further down the line.

MrsGHarrison87 · 20/03/2022 15:59

I had the same thing happen to me. We spoke for ages before meeting so felt we had something special. He said I was the one, couldn't wait to introduce me to his friends and family, he'd never met anyone like me etc.... Then the next day I received a text saying it's in my best interests we don't take it further. My head was fucked. At least he sent a text but there was still no explanation. But met my husband 6 months later so I was glad in the end.

Lpc3 · 20/03/2022 16:05

Why do women fall for the love bombing? I don't understand it. Why would someone be gushing over you after 1 date? They have no idea of who you are as a person. So many women in my life fall for it every time and as a man I find it so perplexing.

Surely it's off-putting more than anything? Imagine if you went out for a coffee with a new friend and they kept going on about how they've never known a friend like you and gosh aren't you amazing.

Is it too many fairytales as a child or something? Sorry if this comes across as harsh but I just find it utterly baffling.

ImInStealthMode · 20/03/2022 16:12

@Lpc3 Who's talking about gushing or love-bombing? It not love-bombing to say 'nice to meet you, thanks for a pleasant evening' after a date. It's simple good manners.

Fuck me the bar for how people treat each other just gets lower and lower every day.