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Relationships

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Original poster

Ghosted after a first date

59 replies

Brightstar29 · 20/03/2022 08:35

I met this guy a few weeks ago on a night out, so not through old which makes a change from the norm these days. So we had already spoken in person and knew there was attraction there. From then we were sending each other about 5-10 text messages per day and met up a couple of nights ago at a casual pub for food and drinks on his suggestion. I offered to pay my half for things but he wouldn’t have it and insisted on paying. Had a really good time, we both agreed there was a connection and lots of flirting too, both agreed we wanted to meet up again and ended with a kiss.

Since then however radio silence from him. I sent a text yesterday saying thanks for the night I had a really nice time but no response which I find rude. I know yesterday wasn’t long ago but normally replies would be quicker so it’s a change in pattern. I just find it very strange, my only theory is that maybe he just wanted one thing and didn’t get it straight away (he’s not long out of a serious relationship), I’m not opposed to having something casual but I still prefer to get to know someone a bit before I jump into bed with them. Rationally I know it’s probably not anything to do with me but still a bit damaging to my ego.

OP posts:

iwishu · 20/03/2022 08:57

Possibly, some guys just like the thrill of a date and don't want anything more, or he's indecisive about you for some reason, backed off because it's requires effort.
It's his turn to message, so just leave it, don't get too invested in this.

Original poster

Brightstar29 · 20/03/2022 09:20

@iwishu no I won’t it’s just I find it rude that’s all, wish he had made his intentions more clear straight away

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 20/03/2022 09:24

My money would be on only wanted one thing too. He probably did have a good night, but then maybe found someone who puts out a bit quicker.

goodnightgrumble · 20/03/2022 09:25

Or he is dating various people?

Sittinginthesand · 20/03/2022 09:25

Is that being ghosted? Or is it just going on a date that didn’t work out for one of the people. Rude not to reply, but it was just one date!

Lurking9to5 · 20/03/2022 09:26

He didn't know what his intentions were before the date.

I agree that for whatever reason he's decided that he's not certain about you now. He liked you enough to want to ask you out, but something wasn't what he thought it would be.

It is a bit cowardly not to be able to say ''i'm going to leave it here'' but then spelling that out can seem arrogant, after one date. I've agonised over this myself. Do you tell somebody you only went on one date with that you don't want a second? Or is that presumptuous?

Women always feel they fall short in these shitty situations but you never know, he could have felt your family was too perfect/rich/qualified and thought, I can't relax around this. Or you indicated a high bar in some area and he thought, oh right so I can't treat you shabbily while i make up my mind.

Don't go in to that spiral where you think YOU fell short. Maybe he wants somebody who won't highlight his own shortcomings who'll allow him to mess her around a bit while he keeps his options open. Maybe. It's not about your shortcomings.

AHungryCaterpillar · 20/03/2022 09:27

Maybe he just didn’t feel a spark on the actual date?

Perdy45 · 20/03/2022 09:29

I had this too recently. Absolutely fantastic first date, loads of chemistry. Lots of him staring into my eyes telling me how wonderful I am & he couldn't believe his luck...

I had a phone call from him when I got home telling me he couldn't wait to see me again, it was his birthday the following week & he asked if he could spend it with me.. Had one more phone call & a couple of further messages, then absolutely nothing! Lol. Totally baffling why they do it X

Mermaidwaves · 20/03/2022 09:32

I wouldn't advise casual unless you actually want casual. I've made that mistake where I've allowed men to treat me as an option but it's not what I really wanted. I do think its rude to just ignore you and doesn't say much about him if he can't find the balls to just politely say, thank you but you're not for me, how hard is that?

Original poster

Brightstar29 · 20/03/2022 09:35

I get that about maybe he didn’t feel the spark on actual date but in that case why say he wants a second date with me and ask what I would like to do on that date? We didn’t set one in stone just talked casually about it. He’s not long out of a serious relationship so he may not want serious and I would have actually been ok with that because of where I’m at myself at the moment. I think I mostly find it rude he didn’t reply to my “thanks for a great night” text.

OP posts:

Derelicthome · 20/03/2022 09:36

“Had a really good time, we both agreed there was a connection and lots of flirting too, both agreed we wanted to meet up again and ended with a kiss.”

Did he say he felt a connection and then you agreed that you did too?

Did you lean in for the kiss first or did he?

Original poster

Brightstar29 · 20/03/2022 09:51

@Derelicthome he leaned in for the kiss first. Can’t remember who said first about the connection as was a bit tipsy at that point

OP posts:

MrsGHarrison87 · 20/03/2022 10:06

If he's just out of a serious relationship I think it's likely it's something to do with that. Maybe he's not over her, or he went on a date to make her jealous or to see what it was like dating someone else. But it's a waste of time trying to work it out. Unless he tells you, you'll never know.

Derelicthome · 20/03/2022 10:20

I do think if he was the one instigating the kiss then perhaps he was just after one thing.
In any case you are well rid. I’m glad he showed you what he was really like early rather than leading you on.

Derelicthome · 20/03/2022 10:23

I meant to say that I’m glad you got to see his true character early on rather than waste anymore time on him.
Ghosting is definitely rude.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 20/03/2022 10:52

@Perdy45

I had this too recently. Absolutely fantastic first date, loads of chemistry. Lots of him staring into my eyes telling me how wonderful I am & he couldn't believe his luck...

This guy is just a love bombing disingenuous idiot.

Hausa · 20/03/2022 11:00

I’m not really getting how you can be so invested after one date! I don’t even think this counts as ghosting. You met once, he wasn’t feeling it, he stopped contacting you. After one date, I don’t think he’s required to provide any additional explanation. Not wanting further contact isn’t rude, it’s sending a clear message.

AHungryCaterpillar · 20/03/2022 11:05

I don't think it's ghosting either

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 20/03/2022 11:09

@Hausa

I see it as bafflement about rude behaviour rather than being 'invested'.

burnoutbabe · 20/03/2022 11:21

It's like jobs you go for that never send rejection emails. Just rude really.
And it's keeping you in the back pocket as they never actually said they were not interested so in theory could come back in the future (in their minds)

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 20/03/2022 11:26

@burnoutbabe

It's like jobs you go for that never send rejection emails. Just rude really. And it's keeping you in the back pocket as they never actually said they were not interested so in theory could come back in the future (in their minds)

Yes I can see that. It is arrogant of them if that is why they're doing it. As someone said upthread it's not rude not to want to see someone again, but it is rude to ignore a message, future fake and be just a spineless wuss, really.

writergirl007 · 20/03/2022 11:48

@Hausa

It is rude. Sending a "clear message" is sending an actual message saying "thanks for a fun night but I don't want to see you again". It takes 2 seconds and is the decent thing to do in response to the other person's message.

OP - he probably hasn't closed it down as above as he wants to keep his options open. He may well reappear in a week or two. It's up to you if you're ok with that.

Hausa · 20/03/2022 11:58

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron “Rationally I know it’s probably not anything to do with me but still a bit damaging to my ego” seems overly invested to me.

FeelFreeNotToAnswer · 20/03/2022 12:00

People are being a bit harsh. It wasn't just one date was it really, they met "a few weeks ago" and sent "5-10 texts daily". Then eventually met up again. She has been in touch with him for weeks, everyday. It's not the same as going on just one date.

OP I can see why you got invested 🤷‍♀️ I have no idea why he ghosted you but just block and move on. Honestly people are strange.

Hausa · 20/03/2022 12:01

@writergirl007 I don’t think an actual message is required after one date. They met up and he doesn’t appear to be interested, so there has been no further contact. I think that’s very straightforward, perfectly fine and not rude at all.

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