Toxic MIL - feeling down

ConfusedandAloneWoman · 2022-03-18T10:38:55+00:00

Any experiences of dealing with toxic mother in laws who make no effort with yourself but are happy that they get to see their son at least so they don’t need to make an effort with you? DH won’t upset his mum and makes an effort with her such as responding to her texts, etc and at her beck and call, as you do for your mum as I would. But the problem is she does not make any effort with me. I never get any messages from her but I try and reach out to her. Only recently I have taken a step back and I haven’t heard from her in months. When she wants to come to our house (rarely and twice a year) she will just message DH to ask and say she is 10 minutes away, expecting us to be in. I’m 25 weeks pregnant with our first child and she doesn’t reach out to me to ask how I am feeling at all. Never invites us over as a family. Never asks how our scans go. Basically, you feel powerless totally as DH has made it clear he wants his parents in his life even if there is no respect for me. Any advice?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 18/03/2022 10:46

Look at it positively op. She isn't part of your life. So she can't be an overbearing dgm then can she?

Original poster

ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 10:50

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping I have thought this myself. But she is overbearing with DH, just not me. I suppose it bothers me that DH isn't prepared to face her on it.

He told me he mentioned to her a couple of times why she doesn't respond to my messages and all she told him was 'she's busy'.

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Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2022 10:54

Just let it go, op. You'll never have a close relationship with this woman, and that's ok. I have next to no relationship with my MIL. I'm the horrible woman who "stole her baby boy." 🙄

Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2022 10:54

Just let your husband deal with her.

BlingLoving · 18/03/2022 10:56

Is she actively rude to you or does she attempt to undermine you? Because it seems to me otherwise you have the perfect life - MIL does not expect anything from you and rightly expects her actual SON to facilitate contact etc.

It COULD get trickier when the baby is here - is she excited? Does she want to spend time with her new grandchild?

Fuckitsstillraining · 18/03/2022 10:57

I honestly can't see the problem. Why would she need to be messaging you? Your dh and mil are in contact, she very occasionally visits, she doesn't interfere by the sound of it, all seems good to me. Is there a reason you want her contacting you? She's not causing you any harm, she's not trying to move in, take over your dh and dc, she's just not enthusiastically messaging you regularly. Thank your lucky stars and then read a few mil posts.

Original poster

ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 10:57

@Aquamarine1029

Just let it go, op. You'll never have a close relationship with this woman, and that's ok. I have next to no relationship with my MIL. I'm the horrible woman who "stole her baby boy." 🙄

Me too @Aquamarine1029 but they don't see their baby boy is HAPPY do they? Can't face that they are happy away from them..? I'm totally confused by it.

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Original poster

ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 10:57

@Aquamarine1029

Just let your husband deal with her.

Thanks I really do think you're right. Mother's Day soon so we'll see what DH gets her without me remaining him.

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Rinatinabina · 18/03/2022 10:59

I would have absolutely no problem with this.

Outlookmainlyfair · 18/03/2022 11:03

I don’t see the problem at all. It is sad that she does not match up to your ideal MIL but every family has a different dynamic and it is not necessarily bad.

Original poster

ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 11:03

@BlingLoving

Is she actively rude to you or does she attempt to undermine you? Because it seems to me otherwise you have the perfect life - MIL does not expect anything from you and rightly expects her actual SON to facilitate contact etc.

It COULD get trickier when the baby is here - is she excited? Does she want to spend time with her new grandchild?

@BlingLoving

She undermines me. We have had family events in the past. Due to covid we haven't got the past couple of years. She would do display in halls with everyone in the family's photo plastered on their EXCEPT mine. DH's face was on the wall. MIL has done speeches in front of guests to thank everyone by name in the family but not me. I have been so hurt in the past by things like that.

She is excited for baby but has not said she wants to spend time with her. She has bought things for our baby but secondhand that I have had to throw away as bad condition.

DH had mentioned he wants her to be at hospital when I give birth even if it's in waiting room. I've said no to DH as I just want him and my mum if she would like to be there (I'm the one pushing out a human after all). I just feel so so powerless.

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Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 18/03/2022 11:06

My mil never wanted dh to have a decent relationship.. At her beck and call was his place. . She ignored me mostly.. When we announced I was pregnant she backed away from me. Never bothered with ds... Been nc over 7 years. As has dh. Bet she is fuming!!

Original poster

ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 11:07

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

My mil never wanted dh to have a decent relationship.. At her beck and call was his place. . She ignored me mostly.. When we announced I was pregnant she backed away from me. Never bothered with ds... Been nc over 7 years. As has dh. Bet she is fuming!!

Sounds good to me. My DH would never go no contact with his family, more chance of a pig flying.

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BlingLoving · 18/03/2022 11:09

Just to check - does she have photos of other "non blood" relatives? or is it just you? Some women really don't consider any of their children's partners part of the family in the same way. Hell, I knew I'd really made it when MIL put up a photo of me (with DH and the DC) . Ie is it YOU or is this how she is with everyone she didn't give birth to?

Second hand things that are in bad condition sounds bad and a bit odd.

Her coming to the hospital is a HARD NO. I mean, if she wants to hang out in the waiting room there's not much you can do but I'd be making it clear to Dh that you will take it badly if he's so busy entertaining her that he's not supporting you.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 18/03/2022 11:11

Don't count on it op. Being a df puts new light on the sort of people you want around your dc. Dh felt a weight lifted not having his dm in his life. He acknowledged how toxic she was when she snubbed our ds.

inheritancetrack · 18/03/2022 11:15

Keep out of the drama.
Let you DH manage his own DM even if you feel she takes advantage.
be thankful you don't have to deal with her or worry about her taking over your baby.

I get a hint from you of wanting to control what your DH does around his DM but you have to step back, and don't even hint that he has to choose between you.

when it comes to the birth, you get the deciding vote.

Original poster

ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 11:16

@BlingLoving

Just to check - does she have photos of other "non blood" relatives? or is it just you? Some women really don't consider any of their children's partners part of the family in the same way. Hell, I knew I'd really made it when MIL put up a photo of me (with DH and the DC)

. Ie is it YOU or is this how she is with everyone she didn't give birth to?

Second hand things that are in bad condition sounds bad and a bit odd.

Her coming to the hospital is a HARD NO. I mean, if she wants to hang out in the waiting room there's not much you can do but I'd be making it clear to Dh that you will take it badly if he's so busy entertaining her that he's not supporting you.

@BlingLoving it's so hurtful. I don't think I'd ever be like that with my children's other half's though...?

Yes she has photos of other non blood relatives and they were also put on the 'wall' at the time of the party and also thanked.

I have mentioned to DH if she wants to hang around in the waiting room for hours or even days then that is up to her but I can't have him disappearing from me. I am having a close monitored birth by doctors and mine will not be as straight forward so I really do need DH around me, partly the reason I have also asked my mum. I'm worried if she hangs around in the waiting room and DH does disappear off to see if she is ok or he will likely be glued to his phone to 'update' her then it is going to end badly for us perhaps she knows that... and she is doing this deliberately, doesn't want us to have our happiness together. I am feeling so low

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Original poster

ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 11:18

@inheritancetrack

Keep out of the drama. Let you DH manage his own DM even if you feel she takes advantage. be thankful you don't have to deal with her or worry about her taking over your baby.

I get a hint from you of wanting to control what your DH does around his DM but you have to step back, and don't even hint that he has to choose between you.

when it comes to the birth, you get the deciding vote.

Your right @inheritancetrack nail on the head

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Original poster

ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 11:27

@Fuckitsstillraining

I honestly can't see the problem. Why would she need to be messaging you? Your dh and mil are in contact, she very occasionally visits, she doesn't interfere by the sound of it, all seems good to me. Is there a reason you want her contacting you? She's not causing you any harm, she's not trying to move in, take over your dh and dc, she's just not enthusiastically messaging you regularly. Thank your lucky stars and then read a few mil posts.

I see what you're saying and I think that's another way of looking at it that I should probably really make an effort in. Basically I've tried to initiate contact and form a closer friendship over the past couple of years and I've just been shoved aside and ignored without reason. Just seems to be no consequences for her actions.

Im worried about losing control when it comes to my daughter due in the summer.

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layladomino · 18/03/2022 13:16

I would step back and stop messaging. I love my MIL and we get on well, but all messaging and most phone calls are between her and DH which I think is quite normal.

Keep the moral highground and don't let her come between you and DH. He might eventually see which direction all the unpleasantness is coming from, and it isn't you.

With regard to the birth, I agree this is a hard no. If your DH pushes it, ask him whose feelings matter most to him - his wife who's about to give birth, or his mother's? His mother won't be able to help (and in fact has shown she isn't interested in you, so that isn't her intention) and will only demand his attention and take him away from you. She is trying to place herself in the drama so she can have his attention and thus you'll have less of it.

And also tell your DH that if she wants to have a full and healthy relationship with GC then she needs to learn to treat her DIL like family, and with appropriate respect and care.

He needs to grow up and step up. He's a married man and going to be a father. His first concern should be to his wife and child. Ideally he can also have a lovely relationship with his mother, but he needs to be aware that she is intentionally undermining you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2022 13:27

Stop with the whole trying to reach out to her; its not appreciated and will not work. She would have behaved the same regardless of whom he went onto marry; this woman wants her own way all the time, sees all other women as competition for her son's affections and to remain number 1 in his life regardless of cost to him and to you as his spouse.

Your DH is a wet lettuce like many such men raised by toxic mothers. He is too mired in his own inertia along with fear, obligation and guilt to see just how badly you are being treated here. He has really been led to believe that the sky will indeed fall in if she is upset in any way. He is very afraid of her (where's your FIL here, is he still around?) and would be far more afraid of upsetting her than he ever would be of you. It will be a rude awakening for him the day he wakes up to just how awful his mother actually is and there is the possibility too he may never have such an epiphany.

You need to keep up firm and consistently applied boundaries re both your DH and his mother and I would be wary of she having a relationship with your child going forward. If you do visit her (and I would make such visits very occasional) you all go together because after all you are a family and you're not going anywhere; don't let him take your child on his own to her.

Calamityjane1987 · 18/03/2022 13:28

My MIL was the same and also backed off when I was pregnant. Then baby was born and she was all over the baby like a rash. Became very overbearing and wanting to control how we spent our time and how we raised our DC. Worth bearing in mind that she might switch like that. I found it really troubling and it caused my relationship with DH to suffer terribly until he set her straight. I now keep her at arm’s length, as I know now that any pleasant behaviour from her towards me is just a transaction for access to GC. She showed her true colours with years of shunning me.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2022 13:39

I would also say a hard NO to his mother and to be honest your mum also being at hospital. The medical staff won't likely want either of them there and there will be quite enough going on as it is. Infact if covid restrictions re visiting in hospitals remain the same they will not be allowed inside.

Your MIL really does not value you hence all these poor quality second hand items. Nothing at all wrong with second hand but her chosen items were designed to hurt you. That is how she views you and its not your fault she is like this nor did you make her that way. Has your H actually seen these items that his mother left and if so what has been his response?.

He cannot manage his mother because of his fear, obligation and guilt along with his inertia re her. What he would like really is for everyone to get along because he cannot and equally will not at this time deal with it. He's really that weak.

Original poster

ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 14:02

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Stop with the whole trying to reach out to her; its not appreciated and will not work. She would have behaved the same regardless of whom he went onto marry; this woman wants her own way all the time, sees all other women as competition for her son's affections and to remain number 1 in his life regardless of cost to him and to you as his spouse.

Your DH is a wet lettuce like many such men raised by toxic mothers. He is too mired in his own inertia along with fear, obligation and guilt to see just how badly you are being treated here. He has really been led to believe that the sky will indeed fall in if she is upset in any way. He is very afraid of her (where's your FIL here, is he still around?) and would be far more afraid of upsetting her than he ever would be of you. It will be a rude awakening for him the day he wakes up to just how awful his mother actually is and there is the possibility too he may never have such an epiphany.

You need to keep up firm and consistently applied boundaries re both your DH and his mother and I would be wary of she having a relationship with your child going forward. If you do visit her (and I would make such visits very occasional) you all go together because after all you are a family and you're not going anywhere; don't let him take your child on his own to her.

Thank you so much. I have read every word of your message.

It's already been agreed baby doesn't go anywhere I don't. I think the fact I've made that decision makes it easier for DH to face it with his family. There will be no way she is taken to places without me. That in itself I don't mean to sound controlling but that's for my own self esteem as well.

FIL is worse than MIL, has the same toxic views. Before me and DH married (we had been together 10 years!!) he said to sister (DH's auntie) that I wasn't important as I wasn't married to DH or have kids with him. Their were no ties.

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Original poster

ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 14:04

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I would also say a hard NO to his mother and to be honest your mum also being at hospital. The medical staff won't likely want either of them there and there will be quite enough going on as it is. Infact if covid restrictions re visiting in hospitals remain the same they will not be allowed inside.

Your MIL really does not value you hence all these poor quality second hand items. Nothing at all wrong with second hand but her chosen items were designed to hurt you. That is how she views you and its not your fault she is like this nor did you make her that way. Has your H actually seen these items that his mother left and if so what has been his response?.

He cannot manage his mother because of his fear, obligation and guilt along with his inertia re her. What he would like really is for everyone to get along because he cannot and equally will not at this time deal with it. He's really that weak.

DH is very weak and I will openly admit that. Won't put a foot out of place when it comes to his parents even though he now has his own family.

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