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Original poster

Toxic MIL - feeling down

66 replies

ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 10:38

Any experiences of dealing with toxic mother in laws who make no effort with yourself but are happy that they get to see their son at least so they don’t need to make an effort with you?

DH won’t upset his mum and makes an effort with her such as responding to her texts, etc and at her beck and call, as you do for your mum as I would. But the problem is she does not make any effort with me.

I never get any messages from her but I try and reach out to her. Only recently I have taken a step back and I haven’t heard from her in months. When she wants to come to our house (rarely and twice a year) she will just message DH to ask and say she is 10 minutes away, expecting us to be in. I’m 25 weeks pregnant with our first child and she doesn’t reach out to me to ask how I am feeling at all. Never invites us over as a family. Never asks how our scans go.

Basically, you feel powerless totally as DH has made it clear he wants his parents in his life even if there is no respect for me. Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 14:06

@Calamityjane1987

My MIL was the same and also backed off when I was pregnant. Then baby was born and she was all over the baby like a rash. Became very overbearing and wanting to control how we spent our time and how we raised our DC. Worth bearing in mind that she might switch like that. I found it really troubling and it caused my relationship with DH to suffer terribly until he set her straight. I now keep her at arm’s length, as I know now that any pleasant behaviour from her towards me is just a transaction for access to GC. She showed her true colours with years of shunning me.
Totally agree. This is what MIL is doing to me. She does it around DH as well so he can see how 'nice' she is being with me. Allowing her easy access to DD.
OP posts:
naomi81 · 18/03/2022 14:06

My mil is exactly the same, controlling and her DS lets her do this, it's really weird! I just stay out of it as I hear what she says about her other DIL and it's disgusting and I dread to think what she says about me. Bitter, twisted, lonely, nothing else to do in their lives but meddle, she keeps saying she's going to die soon 🤷‍♀️ sure it's just to keep her sons on the rollercoaster guilt/fear trips!

naomi81 · 18/03/2022 14:07

As for being at the birth, not a chance, it was awful enough having my own parents there!

Original poster
ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 14:08

Another thing I am extremely worried about is when I have to go back to work after maternity leave we have discussed who will have daughter. I will be working 4 days a week. 3 days she will be at daycare and 1 day I wanted her with my mum, who supports both me and DH equally. My Mum works part time so has the time to have her for 1 day. That is what I would feel most comfortable with.

DH has adamantly said he wants his mum to have her 1 day a week also. Baring in mine me and her have no relationship and she quite clearly can't stand me and I am expected to trust her with my DC. I am so upset DH doesn't see it. All he wants to do is keep his mum happy and he admitted he said 'it will keep her happy'

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 14:12

@naomi81

My mil is exactly the same, controlling and her DS lets her do this, it's really weird! I just stay out of it as I hear what she says about her other DIL and it's disgusting and I dread to think what she says about me. Bitter, twisted, lonely, nothing else to do in their lives but meddle, she keeps saying she's going to die soon 🤷‍♀️ sure it's just to keep her sons on the rollercoaster guilt/fear trips!
Jesus Confused I expect my MIL will get to that point with her two sons. I can see it just getting worse
OP posts:
naomi81 · 18/03/2022 14:31

Just don't take it personally, she has her own issues but I just hate listening to her slagging family members off, I sit there cringing 😬. Luckily we don't visit very often and she is too old to commit to any kind of child care. She has a lot of illnesses, that she tends to moan about also 🙉. So nothing much positive going on! I think it's to do with her husband never really putting his foot down with her, in fact I think he's terrified of her and anything for a quiet life, much like her sons, they just tow the line.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2022 14:32

"DH has adamantly said he wants his mum to have her 1 day a week also. Baring in mine me and her have no relationship and she quite clearly can't stand me and I am expected to trust her with my DC. I am so upset DH doesn't see it. All he wants to do is keep his mum happy and he admitted he said 'it will keep her happy".

And make you unhappy in the process so keep saying no to this. Making his mother happy is not your be all and end all; your child is not a plaything or parcel.

What is his response when you state that keeping her (i.e his mother) happy is no basis for her to do a day's childcare. He is a mouse when it comes to his parents and cannot readily stand up for himself when it comes to them for reasons explained earlier. He rolls over for her and wants you to do the same!.

Your child needs emotionally healthy grandparents; neither his mother or his father are at all safe and or emotionally healthy enough to be around. You absolutely need alternative childcare arrangements and I would consider 4 days a week nursery.

What sort of a relationship, if any, does he have with his father?.

Do read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward.

naomi81 · 18/03/2022 14:40

Oh I have also mentioned to my other half , how I hate listening to her slagging her DIL off and I dread to think what she says about me! He backed his mother all the way as apparently I don't understand all the things DIL has done to his mother and father over the years 🙈 at that point I knew to give up as he didn't see what I was trying to say. Just stand firm in birth preferences and childcare preferences don't let them bully you!

Original poster
ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 14:43

@AttilaTheMeerkat

"DH has adamantly said he wants his mum to have her 1 day a week also. Baring in mine me and her have no relationship and she quite clearly can't stand me and I am expected to trust her with my DC. I am so upset DH doesn't see it. All he wants to do is keep his mum happy and he admitted he said 'it will keep her happy".

And make you unhappy in the process so keep saying no to this. Making his mother happy is not your be all and end all; your child is not a plaything or parcel.

What is his response when you state that keeping her (i.e his mother) happy is no basis for her to do a day's childcare. He is a mouse when it comes to his parents and cannot readily stand up for himself when it comes to them for reasons explained earlier. He rolls over for her and wants you to do the same!.

Your child needs emotionally healthy grandparents; neither his mother or his father are at all safe and or emotionally healthy enough to be around. You absolutely need alternative childcare arrangements and I would consider 4 days a week nursery.

What sort of a relationship, if any, does he have with his father?.

Do read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward.

I'll read the book thank you.

Yes I am really considering daycare 4 days a week or I have a friend i trust with my life who I may request to have her on a Thursday whilst paying her. I'm not too sure yet but I would feel so much happier if she wasn't with toxic MIL as she will also be around toxic FIL who is worse.

Does not have a good relationship with FIL at all. Scared of him and DH had to tell him I was pregnant over the phone as he was too scared face to face. We had to leave a 'new grandparents' card with his MIL.

Neither gave us a hug when they found out or 'congratulated' us in our pregnancy. I think DH sees it but he never vocally tells me or instigates a conversation with me to make me feel better and reassure
Me that I'm not going mad.

I told him I wanted dd in daycare 4 days a week or with my mum at least 1 day as I work from
Home at my parent's house so my DD will be with me basically all day but mum will be keeping an eye on her for me so I can work. It works out easier.

DH just got extremely defensive and lowered his voice almost in warning. I'm so hurt as I feel I just have no control when it comes to them as DH is all for them. Even with my own DD. This is where I just don't feel safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 14:45

@naomi81

Oh I have also mentioned to my other half , how I hate listening to her slagging her DIL off and I dread to think what she says about me! He backed his mother all the way as apparently I don't understand all the things DIL has done to his mother and father over the years 🙈 at that point I knew to give up as he didn't see what I was trying to say. Just stand firm in birth preferences and childcare preferences don't let them bully you!
Thank you. Sorry to hear he got defensive. Seems they are all the same. My DH is also.

When it comes to our children I will have to be standing firm but what DH does is he turns it on me and say I'm being 'controlling' and the baby is his also.

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Phantom1 · 18/03/2022 14:49

If she is in the waiting room and you give birth, what happens then? Surely she will want to see the baby? It may also give her the opportunity to push you out by fussing over the baby and ignoring you? You may be tired and emotional, so who wants visitors in these circumstances?Absolutely no way is this the time for others to bulldoze their way into what should be a very personal time in your life.You are the mother. It's your time, along with your husband and your new baby.

Original poster
ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 15:08

@Phantom1

If she is in the waiting room and you give birth, what happens then? Surely she will want to see the baby? It may also give her the opportunity to push you out by fussing over the baby and ignoring you? You may be tired and emotional, so who wants visitors in these circumstances?Absolutely no way is this the time for others to bulldoze their way into what should be a very personal time in your life.You are the mother. It's your time, along with your husband and your new baby.
Thank you. I wanted her to come over to our house together with at least FIL when we have settled with the newborn that was all. I don't mind if it's the next day (trying to keep everyone happy again- I would have preferred a couple of days) just as long as I have at least had time to adjust and have some time to ourselves as a family. This is our first at least.
OP posts:
naomi81 · 18/03/2022 15:11

Yeah, it's really odd, surely you are not being controlling wanting some privacy during your baby's birth 😵‍💫 it's not an everyday occurrence. I would just say you feel uncomfortable with your mum seeing your vagina 🤣 but is more than welcome to pop by once your both cleaned up. Luckily my oh respected my wishes on that one, plus his mum didn't want to be there, don't think she's into babies, so funny I breastfeed my baby, about 2 weeks after baby was born she said how terrible breastfeeding is and didn't see much of her until she was on cows milk at age one, she felt incredibly uncomfortable with me breastfeeding in front of her or anyone tbh and ushered me into a room on my own when breast feeding 🤱 worked well. Hopefully your mil will be the same xx

Incognito32 · 18/03/2022 15:12

OP- are you a different religion, nationality, culture to your DH's family? Could that be their reason for being so openly hostile?

They sound horrible!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2022 15:15

Your DH may well be looking for parental approval, approval his father in particular will never give him. Both his wife and your now husband are very afraid of him. Its been his mother's choice however, to remain with this man and she's done so for her own reasons too. She put her own self interest first and gets what she wants out of that relationship.

Do not allow your child, your most precious of resources here, to be used as a sop to his mother to "keep her happy".

Original poster
ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 15:19

@naomi81

Yeah, it's really odd, surely you are not being controlling wanting some privacy during your baby's birth 😵‍💫 it's not an everyday occurrence. I would just say you feel uncomfortable with your mum seeing your vagina 🤣 but is more than welcome to pop by once your both cleaned up. Luckily my oh respected my wishes on that one, plus his mum didn't want to be there, don't think she's into babies, so funny I breastfeed my baby, about 2 weeks after baby was born she said how terrible breastfeeding is and didn't see much of her until she was on cows milk at age one, she felt incredibly uncomfortable with me breastfeeding in front of her or anyone tbh and ushered me into a room on my own when breast feeding 🤱 worked well. Hopefully your mil will be the same xx
Oh wow!! She is obsessed with babies yes (DH brother's!!)

I would not stop breastfeeding just to make sure others feel less awkward. How on earth someone can say it is disgusting is beyond me 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

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Original poster
ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 15:20

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Your DH may well be looking for parental approval, approval his father in particular will never give him. Both his wife and your now husband are very afraid of him. Its been his mother's choice however, to remain with this man and she's done so for her own reasons too. She put her own self interest first and gets what she wants out of that relationship.

Do not allow your child, your most precious of resources here, to be used as a sop to his mother to "keep her happy".

I promise I won't. Thank you Thanks nice to hear those words as I don't hear them often or at all from anyone around me.

MIL has stayed with FIL as he provides her with cash 'money' to spend on whatever she wants. Doesn't have to work. She is a lady of luxury.

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Original poster
ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 15:24

@Incognito32

OP- are you a different religion, nationality, culture to your DH's family? Could that be their reason for being so openly hostile?

They sound horrible!

No different religion at all. They have admitted they are 'old fashioned' and Victorian but that's it.

DH cannot do wrong in their eyes. It's simply a case of he is the youngest boy of the family and they struggled to let him leave to be with me. MIL still goes on about breastfeeding him until he was 3. She can't let go. We are early 30's.

MIL has no job and admitted she didn't want a career as she wanted to put family first and be a wife!! She is terribly lonely now that both her adult sons are moved on with wives. Her DH doesn't want to know her half the time he is so busy with work. Whole lot of good that has done.

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roarfeckingroarr · 18/03/2022 15:39

Do not let your DH or his mother bully you. Having your baby at your mum's who you trust is very different and I say that as a mother of a son.

Incognito32 · 18/03/2022 15:40

So bizarre! Is she the same with your SIL?

roarfeckingroarr · 18/03/2022 15:41

100% do not let her be in the hospital for the birth. Tell your husband he is not to tell her when you're in labour. Trust me, you're so vulnerable and it can be very long, you do not want someone you don't trust nearby.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/03/2022 15:43

Do you know what sort of relationship your BIL and his wife have with your inlaws?.

Original poster
ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 15:50

@roarfeckingroarr

Do not let your DH or his mother bully you. Having your baby at your mum's who you trust is very different and I say that as a mother of a son.
Thank you. I'm going to raise the topic of conversation with DH this weekend and see if anything else is said and what his views are. If still no change im not sure what else to do... Sad
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Ihaveamagicwand · 18/03/2022 15:52

What is it with prospective grandparents now that the parents tell them when they go into labour. You do have a choice about telling them, especially with a first baby.

We didn’t tell either set of our parents until after any of our three babies had safely arrived and was a couple of hours old.

If you don’t want someone there don’t tell them.

Original poster
ConfusedandAloneWoman · 18/03/2022 15:58

For those asking her relationship with SIL is similar to mine when it comes to not reaching out very often however she has been with the family a lot longer so she has always had the 'privileges' I haven't had... if that makes sense? Anyone who is aware of toxic in laws will know what I mean 🤦🏻‍♀️

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