Toxic MIL - feeling down

[ConfusedandAloneWoman]

Any experiences of dealing with toxic mother in laws who make no effort with yourself but are happy that they get to see their son at least so they don’t need to make an effort with you?

DH won’t upset his mum and makes an effort with her such as responding to her texts, etc and at her beck and call, as you do for your mum as I would. But the problem is she does not make any effort with me.

I never get any messages from her but I try and reach out to her. Only recently I have taken a step back and I haven’t heard from her in months. When she wants to come to our house (rarely and twice a year) she will just message DH to ask and say she is 10 minutes away, expecting us to be in. I’m 25 weeks pregnant with our first child and she doesn’t reach out to me to ask how I am feeling at all. Never invites us over as a family. Never asks how our scans go.

Basically, you feel powerless totally as DH has made it clear he wants his parents in his life even if there is no respect for me. Any advice?

@Ihaveamagicwand

What is it with prospective grandparents now that the parents tell them when they go into labour. You do have a choice about telling them, especially with a first baby.

We didn’t tell either set of our parents until after any of our three babies had safely arrived and was a couple of hours old.

If you don’t want someone there don’t tell them.

If it was up to me I wouldn't be telling anyone when we go into labour however DH will want his mother to know .... I think this will really open my eyes to a lot and if it gets worse when DD is here I'm not sure how much more I can take.

You've no idea how lucky you are. My MIL never rings or texts my hubby, it's always me. She will call around unannounced and uninvited and talk absolute rubbish! She's a real pain but harmless too I suppose.

Huge fellow feeling from me OP, my PILs were awful. They caused me great hurt at a very vulnerable time. What changed it for me was when I decided to stop being hurt and start being angry instead. We went NC with FIL (a truly bad, wicked man) and LC with MIL (drunk). FIL died many years ago at which point we upped contact with MIL and then a family tragedy struck. It changed her very much for the better, she became an altogether softer and kinder person, she even decided that I wasn't Satan after all! She was also able to build a better relationship with my DC. I am glad we had those few short years before she died..
All this to say; get angry! Use the word "NO" more. Your DH needs to realise that you are a formidable woman in your own right who will protect her child (and herself) and that you are not prepared to take any more shit.

Hi OP,

Also have a toxic MIL but happy to have it that way. My DH is the eldest child. His parents are divorced and I get on really well with FIL much to the annoyance of MIL. She never really intruded much on our relationship. Never acknowledged it really. Then we got engaged and her concern was having friends for her to speak to at the wedding. The list was getting ridiculous but then Covid happened and we had a Covid wedding.
Since the wedding I’ve been actually cropped out of wedding pictures and completely ignored by her. She has a frame in her house with little slots for “Our Engagement” “Our Wedding” “Our Honeymoon” with pictures of her and my DH in them
I’m lucky though. I leave all communication to DH. So far he has forgotten her birthday and I’m not sure he’s aware Mothers Day is coming up but it’s his mother so his problem. We agreed I would handle my side and he would handle his. It’s a deal that works for us and it means I don’t have to deal with a woman who has no respect for me.
I know it’s hard OP and I’ve shed my fair share of frustrated tears over it in my position. But seriously in the long run it is such a blessing.

@Fairyfolks that’s impressively batshit

Don’t give in OP - stay strong and stand firm. Do NOT let your MIL look after your little girl one day a week under any circumstances; she doesn’t deserve that privilege. She needs to learn that her unreasonable behaviour has consequences. You and your husband have to be in agreement about your daughter’s care, if you’re not happy with the arrangements then they don’t happen; it’s simple. Same with the birth.

I feel you.
I would have loved a warm relationship with my mil. I was very close to several ex-BFs mothers.

Mine likely has Histronic Personality Disorder is totally enmeshed and controlling of both her sons. She was the dolly/ princess in the family and only female until I rocked up.
She regularly tells us about people wanting to date her and went on at length about this at her husbands funeral....

She has no interest in me and it suits me. When DH raises the fact her visits are boring and hard work I am happy to point out it's because I don't plan nice things any more. I also take myself off and give them "quality time". He then says I wish you'd be nice to / like my mum. And I say look... when we see her she plans nothing for us. And we are expected to pay for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE whenever we do anything.
My mother does nice things takes you out and shows an interest in you. You have a good relationship with her. Name one time your mother organised or did a nice thing for me?

My mil doesnt view me as family and makes no effort. I now simply match her efforts.

I set my stall out early and she tries to go around me via DH but he is now on board so she gets limited traction...Everything goes through DH which suits me FINE.

She's someone I have to tolerate 3 -5 times a year.

Oh key point BEFORE I got pregnant I made DH agree his mother would NEVER have unsupervised access until out child was verbal (eg aged 4-5) as I honestly believe she in incapable of thinking of others and could easily see the baby get dehydration heat stroke etc. Through sheer neglect as she an anorexic so doesn't really eat and in addition only thinks of her on own needs....

Op when you go into labour tell dh if he rings his dm he needs to go to her... An ultimatum at your most vulnerable is not being unreasonable imo.

ConfusedandAloneWoman

Thank you. I wanted her to come over to our house together with at least FIL when we have settled with the newborn that was all. I don't mind if it's the next day (trying to keep everyone happy again- I would have preferred a couple of days) just as long as I have at least had time to adjust and have some time to ourselves as a family. This is our first at least.

It's hard to say when you will be ready for any visitors but straight after giving birth is not the time. My son was born at 00:45 and I had visitors - my mum later in the day. The next day my in laws and SIL came. They didn't bother with me at all. They were only interested in the baby and taking photographs of them and the baby. Although they did manage to take one of me 'looking on' as my MIL put it.

Becoming a mum should be your own private experience. No one should have folk waiting to storm the doors of their room waiting to see the baby if they don't feel comfortable with it. Please put yourself first and let them wait a day or two. Even then, it can be stressful but just wait until you get home and people pop in! They'll be fussing over the baby and you will be making tea and snacks for them while they nurse and coo at the baby. That was my experience! But IMO mum's need looking after too. They are important and the mainstay of a new baby's life. So make sure people look after you.

Anyway, I really hope you have a good experience and are allowed time to bond with your daughter before the cavalry arrive.

Your DH needs to learn that you can be a scary mama too - stand up to him, speak assertively, don't be afraid if he lowers his voice - you felt warningly - he can go fuck himself if he thinks he can put his mother over his wife - tell him NO. Good luck OP.

I'm a MIL. I love my DIL like a daughter.
In my experience as a woman I make a relationship with my DIL which is just between her and I. Sometimes I email her directly as I would any female friend, and sometimes her and my son together is it's a family matter. Often if I have to email either of them separately, Unless it's private such as regarding a birthday present, then I usually put the other on copy so that they feel included.
I think it's important that you like each other because of who you are and not because they are the partner of your child.
In this case, the MIL is missing out on so much because of her distancing herself. She will be the loser long term, especially when the little one arrives. I understand the feelings of OP, I would be upset by it as well.

I think the real issue here is that your DH is choosing her side over you all the time. Why hasn't he mentioned the photo gallery or the wedding speech to her? He's quite old enough now to forge ahead with the next phase of his life without having to cow to her.

I would be seriously tempted to say that you don't want her to look after DD one day a week as she has never made an effort with you and is only trying now as you are pregnant. DD will be the apple of her eye until you have another baby and then the younger one will become her new fave I imagine and that certainly isn't fair.

OP,
@AttilaTheMeerkat is giving wise counsel.

Why have you married this man.

He is weak.
Dismisses what you say.
Speaks in a low threatening manner to YOU........BUT is terrified of both his parents???

You have married a dud.

And now you are having a baby with a dud.

Be very very careful.

Why have you married a weak frightened little man with such an awful family, and now have chosen to have a child with him?

You read as terrified.

Why do you want a close relationship with these awful people?

I would strongly suggest you hang on to that job of yours and stay very close to your family, because I think you are going to need them.

Your husband doesn't have your back and will put his family's wants ahead of you and your child.

You need to admit if you are a bit scared of him, because things are going to get a LOT more stressful for you, if his mother decides she wants your child.

He's NOT going to have your back, he's going to hand any child over.

You are very nervous at the moment because you can see what is coming down the track.

His mother has no business being at the hospital.

If it was a choice, I would also ditchbyour husband at the hospital and have your mother there with you, for real support.

You need to protect yourself and be honest and realistic about just how toxic this family are.
Your husband sounds toxic too.

I stopped making an effort with mine after 20 years. It was me that put all the thought into presents and organising visits to them, what they did when they came to us.
I stopped. When we went to visit MIL took some weird pleasure in making the experience as unpleasant/uncomfortable for me as she could and I eventually ran out of patience. There were critical comments constantly (DH called them helpful!). SIL (a local) was seen as family and I wasn’t. SIL was horrible to her as well.
So presents went downhill, visits severely reduced and visits to us became very boring as DH didn’t organise anything.
I only regret I didn’t do it sooner.

I'm a MIL, wouldn't have dreamt of being present when my DD had her children. My son in laws mother wouldn't either. My DS is not married, if he ever finds a lovely partner I would hope that I would be welcoming and not an interfering old cow like some of these old biddies!