silence for three days....... whilst I thought the worst!! is that normal?

[butterfli]

My fiance (he proposed just before christmas) came to visit us new years day evening. He has been working very hard all over christmas and new year,, and is currently living in london(due to move down soon.

Iwas in bed with really bad flu, and my daughter was with me. He got in a mood over her not wanting a banana with her tea, then after telling me he was trying to decide to stay or go, I said go!

So he did!! Knowing how ill I was, and knowing that the following day was the 5th anniversay of my mums death.......

He sent me a message on the way home tellng me his life is crap and i make it worse!...... that he'd be gone for good soon, and then turned all his phones off for 72 hours!! I thought the worst! that because he is depressed, and nearly bankrupt, that he had........ you know....... done it! I was going out of my mind with worry , not sleeping etc! Oh, I am 15 weeks pregnant as well!!! I thought everything was ok!

Now I feel very cross with him, and that what he did was evil! He says that it wasn't, and why was i worried!? he said he was sleeping! pis++ed more like!

Help!!!??? (sad)

Dump him.

help!

aw honey that does not sound fun

Blimey - sorry to say this but he sounds extremely selfish but you have a baby on the way (assume its his right?) so give him an ultimatum - he either starts acting like a decent grown up or you dump him.

Sounds like he was very hurt when you told him to go (rather than realising that you didn't really want him to) and decided to punish you by going missing for three days.

I think you should have a conversation with him, and maybe apologise for telling him to go and explain that you didn't really want him to. And then wait patiently for his apology!!

And talk about how that is not a useful way to deal with any problems, better to talk about them. It is a way of escalating small arguments into huge ones. Point out he is not telling the truth when he says he was sleeping for 72 hours!

Don't give him ultimatiums and threats to dump him - this will just make everything worse (more escalation!).

Thanks guys, I know we have a baby on the way, but this isn't the first time hes gone funny on me........ but this is the worst,
my friends tell me to think very carefully about our future cause I have a house (with a mortgage) and a little business, and he is coming with nothing........... is love blind??

Ooo yes, def need to think carefully about your financial future. If you are not really sure (as much as you can be) you will stay together, then don't marry him. When is your wedding?

of course he's nto evil.

He's having a crisis. Talk to him, symnpathise

you know what I think?

I think that when he got in a strop and said that he was "trying to decide whether to stay with you or leave you"...

You were SUPPOSED to break down, tell him you couldn't live without him, you would do whatever it was, however best suited him and beg him to stay.

Instead you said "Fine, bye."

Which is the 100% RIGHT response to emotional blackmail, but not at all what he expected!

So he took off to punish you.

Now you are what he wanted you to be all along.

Afraid and confused and just wanting him back.

Or perhaps I'm just cynical.

no wedding date yet, no money!

he has nothing, and I am already stretched including lending him £1500!!

In fact, I have paid for most of our 9 month relationship!!

But I love him and money isn't everything..... ?

in case anyone thinks i am being flippant its because this is a friend of mine and i told her she would get good impartial advice from mumsnet.

you are bonkers

And this man is adding what to your life?

I think Hecate has him summed up pretty well. I'd proceed very carefully if I were you (speaking as someone who's ignored niggling feelings about who pays for what, "money isn't everything" etc in the past and then got terribly stung) and take every possible step to protect your security (for your own and your child's sake) in the event of things going wrong in the future. That isn't being mean ... that's being practical, until you can be absolutely confident that he brings equal value to your relationship (doesn't have to be money, but an equivalent amount of effort, understanding, practical help and so on would be a start).

What he did sounds terribly immature and he must have known that you'd be worried given his background. Worse, in many ways, is his failure to acknowledge the anniversary of your mum's death (which, I presume, he knew was important to you). If, as he claims, he was just "sleeping" (for 3 days WTF ! .... as if ....) and oblivious to thoughts of you chewing your nails to the quick (in other words, he really wasn't maintaining this silence as some sort of vengeful protest after your squabble, and truly believed no communication for 3 days was normal) .... then why didn't he send you a sympathetic text about your mum, or better still call you ?

You're expecting his child for heaven's sake apart from anything else !

Make no mistake about it, the point of the last 3 days was to "punish" you. Maybe not quite in the remit of evil but pretty nasty and petty all the same. If he's depressed, that might go some way to explaining his self-centred attitude but this sort of thing obviously can't continue - you will need to rely upon him once you have the baby, if not before. Fright at becoming a parent might also semi-explain, (but not actually justify) this unpleasant behaviour. Whatever ...... you should not have to put up with it in yiour condition.

Do you think this was a one-off, or does your gut feeling tell you you can't trust him ? Do you feel you can talk to him completely honestly about it (is he open to looking objectively at "issues") ?

If not ..... then you really must look after no. 1 (& 2, & soon to be 3). Don't relinquish any part of your security while you still have any doubts about him.

i would seriously question the relationship before marrying him.

not contributing financially is a BIG problem. it might not be now but imagine this scenario: he's depressed, he has declared himself bankrupt, he's living with you. you have to support him and your two dc's. i can tell you you will feel pretty damn resentful.

i've been in a relationship where i paid for most of things. when my ex did start earning more, somehow he was still always too skint to pay his half. in fact he still owes me a month's wages, and i was being paid less than him at that stage

What, if anything does he bring to this relationship?

From your descrition nothing but heartache, a childish attitude, a selfish personality and trouble! I think you already know what to do!!!!!

butterfli,

Love is definately blind in your case. You need to see the reality.

"But I love him and money isn't everything..... ?"
C'momn by saying this you're being dishonest, not just to say a fool to your own self. He brings you nothing but pain. When are you going to wake up?. You can choose to bury your head in the sand and ignore all the red flags re him - your children though have no choice.

"He got in a mood with her not wanting a banana for her tea". So if he can "get in a mood" for such a slight, what's he's going to do when something more "serious" re her happens?. Some stepfather for her he's going to be.

Butterfli,

And you'll likely never see any of that money you've lent him returned either.

butterfli, what if your dd turns out to wet the bed - let's say most nights, for years. It's stressful.

How will your fiance cope with that?

I go with Hecate. he is punishing you for standing up to him. At the moment you are being a door mat. I hope to God you don't think that being a whizz in bed will make him a good father or long term partner because it doesn't and so far you have given us no reason to think he brings anything else to the relationship.

thanks guys for all your suppoet! I am quite overwhelmed ..... never done this before!
We are now finished anyway. He then sinced threatened me with taking full custody of the unborn child and seems to think that he has paid back the money he owes me!!!! must have missed that one somewhere....... but at least i smealt the coffee!

Butterfli,

Thank the stars you've seen sense.

Re his threat, its an empty one again designed to frighten you and thus put him in control over you.

Longer term you need to ensure that you do not fall for someone as bad news as this ever again. You need to also work on raising your own self worth and esteem so as not to fall for such awful men - someone like him would have done that a lot of damage.

Good luck.

From what you've described, I think you're far far better out of it.

Once he sees you will not be controlled, I bet he'll bugger right off. Sad for the baby, good for you!

Stay around here, best support network going!

ok guys, a bit more food for thought... altho I think I know what you will say!!!
We have talked about him moving in but only as a house mate..... paying me the same as I would get from a student....( i need the money). the idea is that he would be around to see his child..... due on 1st of july.
could we really live together in this way? I have told him that there has to be house rules etc.............
or should I stick to students and let him make his own living arrangements?