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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

silence for three days....... whilst I thought the worst!! is that normal?

70 replies

butterfli · 05/01/2008 19:51

My fiance (he proposed just before christmas) came to visit us new years day evening. He has been working very hard all over christmas and new year,, and is currently living in london(due to move down soon.

Iwas in bed with really bad flu, and my daughter was with me. He got in a mood over her not wanting a banana with her tea, then after telling me he was trying to decide to stay or go, I said go!

So he did!! Knowing how ill I was, and knowing that the following day was the 5th anniversay of my mums death.......

He sent me a message on the way home tellng me his life is crap and i make it worse!...... that he'd be gone for good soon, and then turned all his phones off for 72 hours!! I thought the worst! that because he is depressed, and nearly bankrupt, that he had........ you know....... done it! I was going out of my mind with worry , not sleeping etc! Oh, I am 15 weeks pregnant as well!!! I thought everything was ok!

Now I feel very cross with him, and that what he did was evil! He says that it wasn't, and why was i worried!? he said he was sleeping! pis++ed more like!

Help!!!??? (sad)

OP posts:
RosaLuxOnTheBrightSideOfLife · 11/01/2008 19:01

DO. NOT. LET. HIM. MOVE. IN.
It is just another way of trying to control your life. Seriously, please, it is the worst possible thing you could do. Find a student - they'll probably be more helpful around the house too.

Hecate · 11/01/2008 19:02

Terrible terrible terrible idea.

He would be the housemate from hell.

Do you want to be asked to account for your every movement? What would he be like if you met someone else? What if he tried to order you around? What if he started acting like he owned the place?

He probably wouldn't even pay the rent and what would you do? What if you wanted him to leave and he refused point blank to go? What if he started to argue with you all the time?

There are too many what-ifs, tbh. He's already leeched off you and threatened you. I cannot tell you strongly enought what a mistake I think this would be.

well, you did ask!

Original poster
butterfli · 11/01/2008 19:10

Thank-you so much!!!! I needed to hear that! I know in my heart I think, but I would dearly love to have a happy situation and decent relationship...... this is just a fantasy eh!? I guess I'm just really scared of doing it all on my own again, especially now mum has gone........ she did it with me last time, (was at the birth etc).

OP posts:
dittany · 11/01/2008 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hecate · 11/01/2008 19:15

From what you post, anyone as you describe woud not be able to give you a happy situation and decent relationship.

You can do this.

Original poster
butterfli · 11/01/2008 19:18

Thanks Guys. x

OP posts:
joben · 11/01/2008 19:21

I think he is being very manipulative.I also think he is probably depressed and possibly has mental health problems. Try to make sure you get the balance right between supporting him through what is obviously a difficult time for him and trying to solve his problems for him without recieving anything in return (I'm speaking from my own experience, and I may be way off the mark but something about your post reminded me of myself several years ago). As others have said what does he bring to the relationship?

mummylin2495 · 11/01/2008 21:29

please listen to everyone !

mummylin2495 · 16/01/2008 21:44

bump

Alambil · 11/03/2008 00:06

Hi Butterfli - I hope you meant this thread?

May I say, that with the knowledge from your other thread, that he is an abuser.

You should stay WELL AWAY from him. DO NOT move in - it will be absolute hell (I have been there).

I think that if he wants to see baby once they are here, then he can do as per the rules for any other absent parent in that contact is on terms that suit the child for certain times at certain dates etc... you don't need to live together and PLEASE don't marry him - I married my abuser and it was the worst mistake EVER...

You can't cure him - no amount of love will help him; again, I tried - I failed BIG time. If he wants help to overcome his depression or whatever then he needs to see his doctor, he needs to put in the effort and he needs to do the work - NO-one else can do it for him... no-one.

I hope I haven't offended you but he really does strike me as an abusive and manipulative idiot... abuse doesn't have to be physical and he seems to be mentally abusing you. I have been mentally abused - it was horrendous and I am nearly recovered (after escaping 5 yrs ago!). Please be careful, and I reiterate from the other thread - don't put his name on the certificate

littlewoman · 11/03/2008 01:14

Got in a mood because she didn't want a banana with her tea? What business is it of his? Protect your children. You're all they have.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/03/2008 07:59

Butterfli

Re your comment:-
"but I would dearly love to have a happy situation and decent relationship".

But not with him. Not in a million years. He is completely wrong for you on so many levels and if you let him back into your life again he will make it miserable not only for you but for your children. Who originally thought of that idea of him moving in - him?.

I would also put any future contact with his child on a legal footing, no informal arrangements.

Also you need to examine at some point why exactly you chose him for a partner in the first place.

Certainly do not let him move in with you even as a housemate. This is all about power and control; he wants complete power and control over you.

Any contact he also has with his child should be put on a legal footing.

SheikYerbouti · 11/03/2008 08:05

I'm not going to mince my words here.

He sounds like an utter knob jockey

Do everything to secure your and tyour childrten's future, and get the fuck out of the relationship (imho)

This sort of behaviur will only get worse over time (My cuntyfuckingwanking stepdad used to do this to my mum - 20 years down the line, they are separated, but she is bitter and he's still a cunt - I wish she's got out of the realtionship early on, I had to endure him throughout my teens - he was evil. He used to say he was a good husband/father because he never raised his fists Twat)

Original poster
butterfli · 11/03/2008 12:25

Thank-you all so much for all your replies! you have all confirmed what the sensible me has been thinking........ but then there is the weak side, when he gets in my head, that I wander if it is my fault!!
I WILL STAY STRONG AND STAY AWAY FROM HIM!
Thanks again guys. xxxx

OP posts:
SheikYerbouti · 11/03/2008 12:57

It will be hard, but STAY AWAY

This man is destructive. Don;t let him destroy you.

KatieScarlett2833 · 11/03/2008 16:29

Butterfli, you are a strong, solvent, clearly intelligent woman.

You can do SO SO SO much better than him.

MrsMacaroon · 11/03/2008 21:32

I second the general vibe of the posts- he sounds like he would drag you down.

Original poster
butterfli · 13/03/2008 23:15

hiya! well i have seen the light!!!!!!!!!!!!! at last and with all your advise and help i realise that i am worth more!!! thanks again all. xx
Now all I need to do is sort out what to do with all his stuff!lots of books and fishing equip etc. altho he never moved in, it was close, and he had started bringing his belongings down from london. He says he has no-where to put it, (as he may lose his house soon through his bankruptcy) and that i cannot get rid of it because he has sort legal advise! I have given him 2 weeks/ one momnth...... and he still says the same! what shall I do? I fear he may get really nasty if I get rid of it! any thoughts?
xx

OP posts:
madamez · 13/03/2008 23:21

Legal advice my arse. You have no legal obligation to store his property - give him reasonable notice of a time to collect it after which it goes outside in binbags. If you think he might turn up in an agressive mood you can make a firm appointment for him to arrive and make sure you have someone else in the house with you.
OK you would be in the wrong to bin it all without giving him a chance to come and get it, but that doesn't mean you have to keep it indefinitely.

Original poster
butterfli · 13/03/2008 23:36

thanks madamez. x

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 09/05/2008 21:01

bump

LoveMyGirls · 10/05/2008 09:10

You are no longer together his problems are not yours to deal with, you have enbough on your plate as it is. Write to him and tell him he has xx time to move his stuff or you will dispose of it as you need the space for your new baby this covers you legally I think? (someone will correct me if i'm wrong) you owe him nothing, the reason he wants it to work is because without you he has nothing - literally and if he can manage to lose everything he owns what would stop him losing everything you own too, you have done the right thing keeping away from this loser!

Original poster
butterfli · 10/05/2008 22:41

hello! thanx lovemygirls.
Just a very brief update........,
I gave in after MUCH begging and gave him ANOTHER chance.......... he paid me back 1200, and 'lent me' 500.... (which he owed me anyway). He then told me on mon eve that I had to get the 500 back to him by thurs morn in london in cash!!! well, as u can imagine it was not poss!!!
since then there has been more abuse than ever and threats and eventually I called the police to logit. I have since had to log with the police again, as he phoned me and told me that i hadn't given him or us a fair chance and that i was extemely selfish and out of order not letting him be at the birth of 'our' child in 7 weeks! I DON@T WANT HIM THERE! he scares me! i told him i didn't want to speak to him, so he said he would come and wait outside my house till i did!!!!!!!!!! help....... am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
choccypig · 10/05/2008 22:53

YANBU. He is being ab absolute @rse.

Call the police if he comes hanging around the house.

mummylin2495 · 11/05/2008 00:27

bump