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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please listen to me...

57 replies

cheekymonk · 05/01/2008 19:27

At the moment we are really skint, moreso than the average January, we couldn't afford to buy xmas presents for each other as a couple and ds had far less than normal. The only option I can see is a 2nd job ( I already have p/t job in civil service-can't go f/t due to nursery fees and can't afford to give work up!) as we already have an IVA and can't get into any more debt as we may lose our house etc
It just clicked with me that I have to sort it all out. Dh is in the navy and seems to hide away from problems. He has been off this week and not really dealt with the situation but continued to spend money. He has cut down and it was on food and diy stuff but he thinks I am nagging and doesn't take me seriously I feel.
Thing is I rang up and filled in application form to deliver pizzas today (!!! I know) and he said nothing. Part of me just feels like why don't you look after us, why do I have to do this. He had demotion last year through no fault of his own but it has left us unable to live on what we have and it kind of feels like I have to pick up the pieces.
One time I couldn't afford to pay for the car park in Tescos and a stranger paid it for me and dh seemed unfazed by this (dh was at home). I was mortified and again wondered why it doesn't bother him. He says as long as there is a roof over our head and we are fed and watered then what is the problem as though I am being materialistic but when money problems make you as stressed and tense as we are they can't be ignored.
I just feel angry with dh but I don't want to blame him as you marry for better and for worse etc. Any thoughts???

OP posts:
pinkspottywellies · 05/01/2008 19:32

Would he sit down with you and go through your income/outgoings? It might bring it home to him how bad things are. And look at practical ways to save money. Would he be able to look at it as a challenge? Does he realise how serious it could get if you default on the IVA.

Hope you find a solution.

Original poster
cheekymonk · 05/01/2008 19:38

Yes have got a budget on computer which shows us disposable income. Next month it is £300 for month for food and petrol, entertainment etc which sounds do-able but not so easy in reality. We are trying ways to save money and have been for ages now but it seems like it is never enough. Trouble is come payday we are both so relieved to not be skint anymore we have a nice couple of days but at this stage we can't even afford to do that. By nice day I mean maybe lunch out or something similar. Thanks pinkspottywellies x

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekymonk · 05/01/2008 19:53

Forgot to say it would be £300 but we owe £180 on top of that for a payday loan we took out to help with christmas but we know we can't afford to pay that off yet. I know, how stupid are we

OP posts:
paros · 05/01/2008 19:56

Have you tried telling him the budget is less than it is so you could try and maybe put say £20 away each month .At least you would be able to save a bit . What about doing a bit of babysitting that would bring in some money .

MerlinsBeard · 05/01/2008 19:59

£300 left for food and entertainment?

Original poster
cheekymonk · 05/01/2008 20:03

petrol and anything else that may come up.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekymonk · 05/01/2008 20:04

Yes babysitting could be an option.Another problem is he doesn't want us to be apart too much or like ships in the night but I think the priority is keeping a roof over our heads!

OP posts:
MerlinsBeard · 05/01/2008 20:09

is that after all bills are paid inc the IVA?

sorry, i think i must be missing something

paros · 05/01/2008 20:09

Then his a pratt then if he thinks that . What about doing ironing.

paros · 05/01/2008 20:10

they say dropping a brand at the supermarket saves money in the long run .

Staceym21AtLast · 05/01/2008 20:13

cheekymonk, i know you know this but please dont take out payday loans, they are conning bags of shite

h did that a few times, i never knew.

i would say you need to impose everything. if you have a joint account take control of his cards if you have to sort this or you risk everything. be brutal. if you dont need it dont get it.

i do a months food shop for me and 2 kids for £60 in the supermarket and £30 on fruit and veg. but coudl do less if i needed and have done.

as for making money i dont knwo your circumstances so cant help but there are good tips on savign money at moneysavingexpert.co.uk try there!

mumwhereareyou · 05/01/2008 20:14

Hi Cheekymonk

i noticed that you say your Dh is in the navy, is it possible you could sell your house, clear your debts and move into married quarters, you could then start afresh again. Sorry not more help

MerlinsBeard · 05/01/2008 20:17

must add that i don't mean to be rude. We don't even have enough money to pay an IVA (£80 per month) at the moment, are in rent arrears as well as being in default with all cards and catalogues we have ever had and our 'disposable income' is actually -£200 and odd pounds so when you say you have £300 it doesn't make sense to me.

Tortington · 05/01/2008 20:17

you should ask someone to help you with budgeting at the CAB - sometimes they know of stuff you dont

ie. once in our aea there was some kind of deal that the water board would wipe your arrears ont hec ondition that you payed regularly for the next 6 months

shit like that. - so its worth going just to find out.

WonkyAngel · 05/01/2008 20:25

cheeekymonk, I know how you feel. Apart from the financial stress and worry, you are now the one to bail you guys out.

I have been in this situation for the past 2 years and have been resenting my dh for not being a 'proper' man and looking after his family.

We are going officially bankrupt in January, despite all my hard work over the past few years to keep our heads above water.

I think the worst for me was the feeling that my dh was a disappointment. He was supposed to be my rock, the one that would look after me. Instead, I am the rock.

Just keep talking. Talk, talk talk. That will be my best advice. I am happy with my dh again and can forgive and forget, but it wasn't a very nice time.

Good luck hun xx

Original poster
cheekymonk · 05/01/2008 20:56

Thank you all, you have been really helpful. Our IVA is £225 a month. They let us only pay £100 last month. Mortgage is £822 and have not missed any payments on that.
Its like now is the 5th Jan. We have £445 in bank a/c but nursery fees are £450 but child benefit being paid in on Tues should cover that ( we are keeping fingers crossed chq doesn't appear on Monday). So £67 for rest of month. Ds is 3 in 2 weeks time so I want to get 2nd job to buy him kitchen I have seen in ELC for £60. Otherwise can't afford bday present or party we have planned. This doesn't take into account food, petrol, dentist's check up bill to pay obviously more important than bloody ELC kitchen!. All our bills are paid but what do we live on?
Also have £180 loan due to pay on 21st Jan but will defer that to Feb hence £300 becomes £120 to live on in Feb.
I am actually working out whether working full-time is the way ahead after all....
What a mess! Thanks again x

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekymonk · 05/01/2008 20:57

Thanks especially wonkyangel. Hope things work out for you x

OP posts:
Staceym21AtLast · 05/01/2008 21:05

cheekymonk, try goign to job centre and asking about a better off scheme, or somehting along those lines, they calculate what you are getting your nursary costs etc. against what you could get and what your costs would be (inc. tax credit help with nursary fees/childminder)

but you need to know what you want to do and the salary!

Original poster
cheekymonk · 05/01/2008 21:23

I work at a jobcentre Stacey so how stupid must I be! Will investigate... Thank you

OP posts:
Staceym21AtLast · 05/01/2008 21:35

i know its easily done.

me and dh have split, because he owes 18k i didnt know about. thankfully all the loans he took out were in his name, unsecured (higher interest but thats his problem) and all bills came out of my account so i know they are paid.

my MIL has ben burying her head in the sand for 2 years and shes still managing to put people off. go with it, go to the CAB andtry no to do it again!

i think i find it easy as wasn't brought up with debt, h on the other hand was brought up with debt, and cant seem to understand where i am coming from!

not trying to sound condescending, but you will get it sorted! honest!

ElvinaFrizzell · 05/01/2008 23:24

Cheekymonk, Have a look at www.entitledto.com. You can put in different figures to find out whether you'll be better off going full-time. I would treat it as approximate though as it can't predict exactly how your tax credits will be calculated but should give a good idea. Don't feel silly about the "better off in work calculation" - I think it's called that still. It is more often used for people who are unemployed. My Mum has worked in the Jobcentre for nearly 30 years. I've told her about quite a few things she didn't know, through being on the opposite of the desk as it were.
I would also second the advice to look at MoneySavingExpert.com.
Might be worth posting your budget on the Debt Free Wannabe Forum there. Be prepared for it to be picked to pieces though but you should also get lots of good advice and there are so many people in the same boat...

Original poster
cheekymonk · 06/01/2008 08:20

Thanks ElvinaFrizzell. Will take a look at those websites.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheekymonk · 06/01/2008 08:35

Have just checked banking website and nursery chq is going to bounce, we are £15 short. There is no way of getting money into account today and tomorrow is late so that will £30 in charges by bank, £10 admin fee from nursery and the embarrassment in itself. I had already asked nursery to spread the cost of an expensive bill as it was £525 this month. Really don't know what to do. Dh did just speak to bank but unhelpful to say the least. Dh had spent £5 more than he should have leaving us short for nursery chq. Yesterday we took out £10 to take ds to soft play centre, thinking nursery hadn't banked chq hence being £15 short.

OP posts:
Staceym21AtLast · 06/01/2008 11:51

cheekymonk, what bank do you bank with, is it halifax?

FAWKEOFF · 06/01/2008 11:58

i think the best thing for you to do is get down to the CAB when you get a chance and get some advice on your finances. is there no one that can help with ds a couple of days a week to lessen the nursery fees ?.

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