Please listen to me...

[cheekymonk]

At the moment we are really skint, moreso than the average January, we couldn't afford to buy xmas presents for each other as a couple and ds had far less than normal. The only option I can see is a 2nd job ( I already have p/t job in civil service-can't go f/t due to nursery fees and can't afford to give work up!) as we already have an IVA and can't get into any more debt as we may lose our house etc
It just clicked with me that I have to sort it all out. Dh is in the navy and seems to hide away from problems. He has been off this week and not really dealt with the situation but continued to spend money. He has cut down and it was on food and diy stuff but he thinks I am nagging and doesn't take me seriously I feel.
Thing is I rang up and filled in application form to deliver pizzas today (!!! I know) and he said nothing. Part of me just feels like why don't you look after us, why do I have to do this. He had demotion last year through no fault of his own but it has left us unable to live on what we have and it kind of feels like I have to pick up the pieces.
One time I couldn't afford to pay for the car park in Tescos and a stranger paid it for me and dh seemed unfazed by this (dh was at home). I was mortified and again wondered why it doesn't bother him. He says as long as there is a roof over our head and we are fed and watered then what is the problem as though I am being materialistic but when money problems make you as stressed and tense as we are they can't be ignored.
I just feel angry with dh but I don't want to blame him as you marry for better and for worse etc. Any thoughts???

Cheeky monk be honest with nursery & try & come to some comprimise whereby they get SOME payment every month but not a wacking great lump. They should be able to make sure you have the same bill every month (like a standing order) Then make sure you have that much in cash & pay them perhaps weekly? Bit of a faff but it can help. I have done this for several of my nursery clients & it helps-I'd rather get some money regularly than none & huge arrears.

I suggest as others have said you sit down & go through that budget spreadsheet of yours with your DH & drum it into his brain how it REALLY is & how stressful it is for you. Cut up all credit cards excpet one & keep paying off that as much as poss to keep the repayments down. I find putting EVERYTHING on credit card then paying one big cheque per month helps the cash flow, but you HAVE to make sure you pay as close to the full amount as possible. From the term after your DS birthday you will get about £40 pw off his nursery fees due to Nursery Education Grant (if FT)which helps. Dropping to 2 days a week is the most cost-effective way of using those.

Could you start ebaying? Again you have to be disciplined but once you get the hang of it it is quite easy,just a bit timeconsuming. You can sell loads of stuff even used ,old toys/clothes of DS & household gifts/bits you don't really use/need.

Be honest with your bank & see if you can re-negociate your mortgage to get a better rate while you get sorted out?

Please go to www.moneysavingexpert.com/ he is fantastic, and will help you to cut down or swap bills around.
How much do you actually have left of your wages after nursery costs are taken into account and how much of it is paid by taxcredits? Would it be cheaper in the long run (transport costs etc) to work from home and save the nursery costs.
But please go to his site and especially look at the 'money makeover' section.

cheekymonkey, ask about tax credits to pay for your nursery, DH and I don't qualify for working tax credit but decided to apply for nursery help anyway and got the fees paid for, which is a huge relief every month.

If DH was taking an interest what solutions do you think there would be? What can he do to help or do you think it might be best to take control and give your finaces an overhaul yourself and admitt he will never be much use when it comes to money. Sorry that doesn't sound right but don't know how eles to ask.

Perhaps a seperate bank account for bills so it is quite clear the money in that account is not to be touched.

Alliance & Leicester. Have sorted it by miracle. dh swapped some dollars he had into sterling and paid into our a/c via post office so temporarily out of the woods. Thanks for trying to help though, Staceym.

Sorry have only just spotted all these new posts today. Ds is 3 in 3 weeks so yes looking forward to the help but don't expect that to start until April time.
I know we don't qualify for working tax credits, all we get is child tax credits of £42 a month. Overall joint gross income is 32k. How did you get help sophiewd?
Have no family down here so childcare has to be me, dh or nursery. Ds is happy there and wouldn't want to change to childminder or diff nursery now.
Dh could only help more with childcare if he left navy which he is thinking about but at the moment my work has to be covered by nursery as dh works full-time.
I work in jobcentre so cannot work from home.
Some good ideas bossybritches. They are a nice and reasonable nursery that I'm sure would help but I find it hard as all the other families seem loaded. I will talk to them. Thank you all so much for your time and advice xx

Sorry to say this but 32k seems loaded to me.
As an extreme measure, have you thought about a lodger, the money you get off them could cover the IVA.
I thought that as long as you get child tax credits you got help with nursery costs?

I know, thats the irony of the whole thing!!! It does sound a fair bit but doesn't work out that way!
Here is our budget. I know that Sky, Mobile and Curves stand out and should be axed...

Northern Rock Mortgage £822.28
W3 DEBT SOLUTIONS IVA £225.00
TV LICENCE DD £9.19
Council Tax DD 95.00
Water Rates 0.00
PAYDAY LOAN 180.00
BT PHONE/BROADBAND £45.50
DH MOBILE 0.00
MY MOBILE DD £30.99
SKY DD £21.00
HOME/CONTENTS INSURANCE £26.80
CAR INSURANCE £39.47
ELECTRICITY/GAS D/D £40.00
NURSERY FEES CHQ £450.00
LIFE INSURANCE DD £35.05
CURVES GYM £29.99
GRAND TOTAL £1,870.27

MY Wage £712.80
DH Wage £1,400.00
Tax Credits/CHB 114.20
Total £2,237.00
Available to Spend food, petrol £186

Does your employer do the nursery vouchers scheme.
The money is deducted from your pay before tax you therefore save the tax and the vouchers for the full amount get paid over to the nursery.

Agree with everyone has said to help your situation but if money is so tight, why are you spending £60 on a 3 year old for a birthday present? (& planning a party?)
Surely a cake, a token toy from poundland and some time with you is all they need

You are prob right redfox but 3 is such a milestone. The party is half paid for already (its £8 a head for 5 kids) and I don't want him to suffer for our mismanagement and irresponsibility. Obviously I can only get present if I get the money so will see.
We are going to see about voucher scheme too.

this isnt such an extravagent (sp )party its only 5 kids . I bet you wouldnt have booked it if you had know about your lack of money but what I will say is GUILT is a very expensive emotion. Its also a wasted one unless you can do anything about it . LOL .

there are several of the ELC kitchens on EBAY, if you live near them to collect, one is £14.99 . Your son won't know its not brand new.

Yes I am watching ebay, so far none have been near me (in hampshire) or have been the mini table ones when I am after toddler sized version.
Thanks paros, no I wouldn't have booked it if I had known...hindsight is a wonderful thing!
Have looked alot at working full-time and we would actually be worse off than working 20 hours in respect of take home money from wages after nursery is paid. 30 hours may be an option but I think I am going to go for delivering pizzas, it is for 10 to 15 hours a week and I can do it with dh looking after ds in evening so no childcare costs (if I get job, am waiting to hear!!). As I said dh is not keen but it seems best option to me especially as it doesn't affect ds at all whereas increasing hours in main job does.

glad you sorted money out, fi you'd been halifax id have given the money, acctually have money this month

i think you need to think about budgetting and definately not fall into the payday loan trap again.

they are ludircrous!

as for b.day present, i understand you want to get him something, but hes 3, he wont care if its a toy kitchen or a small plastic toy car, give him a big cardboard box of balloons, he'll be sorted!

let us know how things are going!

Stacey, thank you for such a kind thought. That is so, so kind. It has been a horrible weekend but I shall work hard to make things work for us and be more comfortable as a family.
Yes payday loans are ludicrous, I know.
Thank you all for all your support x

can you increase the term of your mortgage (years) or go to interest only for a while? You need to axe all the unneccessary such as sky, switch phone/internet provided we pay £20 inclusive with tiscali (I think)

Hi Cargirl, not an option when we have an IVA, we already asked but thank you.

Oh cheekymonk, you sound like you are driving yourself mad with this

Looking at the your list I'd say that Sky and Gym need to go. Do you use your mobile much ? Would a PAYG (get one of thos free Sim things from O2) be more economcial ? I have a PAYG which I use mainly for texts but do make the odd call on it and I don't top up more than £15 a month (usually around £10). Losing the gym, Sky and swapping your contract mob for a PAYG would free up £70 per month (assuming you top up by £10 per month).

Someone asked about married qtrs, is that an option for you ?

Sorry, just seen that you mention the gym, mob & sky on your post

Also, shop around for a better deal on your phone/broadband package. £45 seems very expensive.

Have you any got any stuff you can flog on Ebay or on here to help raise money for DS's birthday ?

Sophiewd - We have the same problem we don't get working families tax credit so cannot apply for help with our childcare costs.
Can you explain the nursery help you applied for (is this the voucher scheme?).
When I have contacted the child tax credits people in the past and mentioned my whopping childcare fees they just tell me I am not entitled to it as our combined wage is over the threshhold.
Most of my wage goes on fees and the irony is I would love to be SAHM but can't afford to do that either.
moan moan moan
sorry for the hijack cheekymonk

Nomdeplume, yes I will shop aound for cheaper broadband/phone package. I think we have an 18 month contract with BT but will check. It would be due to run out in Feb I think so that would help.
Things do feel very black I have to admit but I'm hoping that a few changes will mean it is a bad patch rather than a radical change needed ie. moving back into quarters. This would make us so tied to navy when dh is planning on coming out after 12 years (he has done 10 years)and would we ever get back on housing ladder? It is an option if things get really bad however.
Its a nightmare Jezzemx isn't it? Talk about catch 22! No worries for hijack x
Thanks again. I am amazed at how many suggestions have been made and how compassionate people are being. Thank you all x