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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how do i tell DH in the most subtle of manner he is crap in bed?

53 replies

ExtremelyBored · 05/01/2008 16:15

this is a serious problem. in the 10 years we have been together he still doesn't know how to turn me on and i am running out of suggestions. his idea of sex is grabbing my arse and saying "fancy a shag" to which i reply err, NO, and when we do get round to doing it he just jumps on does the job then rolls over and falls asleep .

if i am being totally honest, i prefer my vibrator .

how can i talk to him seriously without hurting his feelings? i want to improve our sex life so we need to sort this out.

OP posts:

scatterbrain · 05/01/2008 16:18

Are you me ?

Same issue here - plus mine is really really fat and not terribly sexy - although I do love him !

Original poster

ExtremelyBored · 05/01/2008 16:18

I am getting a bit err, frustrated now .

OP posts:

137wallis · 05/01/2008 16:20

hhave you tried letting him loose with your vibrator? or show him what youd like him to do, I bet he'd try anything if he knew he wasn't turning you on,

Original poster

ExtremelyBored · 05/01/2008 16:22

he prefers to watch than actually do it.

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137wallis · 05/01/2008 16:23

oh it helps if you can get someone to have kids or make sure your not going to be disturbed, before you broach the subject, and I frased it I would really like you to try...... and then give him the oppertunity to tell you what he'd like!

Niecie · 05/01/2008 16:23

How about making the first move so that you can take control and tell him what to do? Try and make a game of it. He might be so flatter that you made the effort he will do as you ask. If he has been doing anything right, try and incorporate that move as well.

137wallis · 05/01/2008 16:24

perhaps get out the blindfold them

Eowyn · 05/01/2008 16:25

mine is clueless too, i have tried "I really like this" etc which he'll try that one time but forget thereafter. I think it's laziness.

It's one of those things that you think you can't really leave them over but it's depressing thinking that is it for the rest of your life!

ProlapsedWoman · 05/01/2008 16:25

Sex is almost always boring in long term relationships imo

Original poster

ExtremelyBored · 05/01/2008 16:27

it doesn't help we have two young DC's aged 5 and 2 that are always in the house with us. makes it awkward to talk properly.

thanks for suggestions.

OP posts:

Original poster

ExtremelyBored · 05/01/2008 16:28

very true Eowyn

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Wisteria · 05/01/2008 16:28

that's a crap situ to be in but I think you have to tell him the truth in order to move forwards.

Feedback sandwiches are good so maybe after a relaxed night where you've both had a bit of liquid inhibition inhibitor , you could broach the subject. Make sure you say it's a beneficial thing for you both to come out with what could be improved too.

Tell him what he's good at, followed by something which could be improved, then something he's good at. the trick is to ensure he feels secure that you love him first and reassure him all the way through.

Or, when in bed and (ahem) doing the deed you could blurt a couple of things out (talk dirty to get him to try new things)...

Sexual therapy can be good too.

scatterbrain · 05/01/2008 16:29

Feedback sandwiches ??? That's a new one !! Think my dh would prefer ham !

Wisteria · 05/01/2008 16:31

tried and tested phrase and method of giving constructive criticism

ProlapsedWoman · 05/01/2008 16:33

Wisteria do you mean 'praise sandwiches', i.e. whereby you say:

*I like the way you rub my nips (praise)
*However could you apply less pressure and a softer touch (constructive criticism)
*But overall it was very nice (praise)

Wisteria · 05/01/2008 16:33

yes, but they are also called feedback sandwiches!

ProlapsedWoman · 05/01/2008 16:36

Yes I'm sure - was just checking that I understood what you meant

Original poster

ExtremelyBored · 05/01/2008 16:39

words can't describe how bored i am in my marriage i know. i will talk to him when the DC's are asleep.

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Wisteria · 05/01/2008 16:42

EB, this was one of the reasons I did leave my xh, I know it sounds shallow etc but it was very important to me at the time and I was never brave enough to tackle it head on. I don't think you can underestimate the importance of a healthy sexual relationship where both partner's needs are met, or at least acknowledged.

In the colder, wiser light of it now being 10 yrs on, I really wish I had and urge you to try - it is one of my biggest regrets.

(Especially now I can't be arsed either )

Original poster

ExtremelyBored · 05/01/2008 16:44

thanks wisteria. i know its no reason to end a marriage but he just doesn't do it for me at all, i know that sounds shallow.

i am going to tackle the problem though.

OP posts:

Wisteria · 05/01/2008 16:48

I don't think it is shallow - frustration leads to discontent which leads to arguments or affairs sooner or later (unless you are a saint of course).

Marriage is about give and take and communication over all issues; that's why so many fail I think.

If he won't take your pleasure seriously but wants it for himself then it is a valid reason - we're only here once and, coming from a family where my Mum and Dad both sacrificed their own pleasures for the sake of the marriage, I don't advise it

Good luck!

Original poster

ExtremelyBored · 05/01/2008 17:00

Thanks Wisteria & everyone else for your replies. i will chat with him tonight.

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susieisafloozy · 06/01/2008 11:41

EB are you married to my man? . Looks like a few of us on here have boring sex lives.

Wisteria · 06/01/2008 11:42

Update please!

madamez · 06/01/2008 11:46

GOod luck. But something to consider before the big talk is: how unselfish and generally loveable is the partner outside the bedroom? Because if he is of the mindset that his needs come first and you are there to service him (cooking cleaning and lying there while he has a shag on you) you might be in for a long battle. However, blokes who are otherwise lovely but a bit clueless might benefit from some naughty bedtime reading (or indeed viewing but choose your films carefully and watch them by yourself first. Or you'll give him the idea that what you really want is two big cocks up your back alley... or a lot of impossibly twee therapy-style pillow talk about Our Relationship, depending on which extreme of the market you go to).
ANother thing that might work is naughty party games, rolling the dice and taking turns to make requests.

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