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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how do i tell DH in the most subtle of manner he is crap in bed?

53 replies

ExtremelyBored · 05/01/2008 16:15

this is a serious problem. in the 10 years we have been together he still doesn't know how to turn me on and i am running out of suggestions. his idea of sex is grabbing my arse and saying "fancy a shag" to which i reply err, NO, and when we do get round to doing it he just jumps on does the job then rolls over and falls asleep .

if i am being totally honest, i prefer my vibrator .

how can i talk to him seriously without hurting his feelings? i want to improve our sex life so we need to sort this out.

OP posts:
discoverlife · 06/01/2008 11:52

Prolapsedwoman That is really sad, sex in a long term relationship gets better. You just have to put some effort into it.
DH and I have talked about this very thing and how much we respond to each other and we came to the conclusion that sex with each other is fantastic, but conversly we also agreed that the thought of actually having sex with another person is disgusting in a squirmy way. But fantasising is great fun and adds spice, but the thought of them actually touching etc. Urrgghh!

discoverlife · 06/01/2008 11:53

Did that make sense?

Wisteria · 06/01/2008 12:33

PMSL at madamez as usual!

susieisafloozy · 06/01/2008 13:38

is mademez a man? i can't believe a woman would say that "two cocks up your back alley" . what if the op doesn't like porn films? what would you suggest then mademez?

Wisteria · 06/01/2008 13:49

it was 2 cocks up the back alley that made me laugh; sex can be funny you know...

In fact, IME we are the most repressed nation when it comes to sex which is why we probably have such mundane sex lives with our partners.

Porn films can be valuable additions to a failing sex life - but madamez did give more options than that alone I believe.

Original poster
ExtremelyBored · 06/01/2008 19:49

Thanks for replies. Well nothing much happened. We did have a chat but DD was up and downstairs all night so it made things difficult. He did say he would like me to make an effort with him more, in other words to make the first move and also to dress up in sexy underwear.

I told him I am not happy with him just jumping on doing the deed then rolling over to sleep and he just laughed he doesn't believe in foreplay. I don't think he took our chat seriously.

I will have to try again.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExtremelyBored · 06/01/2008 19:50

and mademez, i think your first description was right, ie, servicing his needs etc. Well things are gonna change.

OP posts:
justnally · 06/01/2008 19:56

If he has been crap for the whole 10 years, what made you decide to settle down with him? Sorry to sound mean, but if my dh was crap I would have said seeya and ventured off in search of something better

Maybe I have read this wrong......

Original poster
ExtremelyBored · 06/01/2008 20:00

Well when we first got together it was just sex all the time as in 3 or 4 times a day, but only penetration, no foreplay and as the years have gone by the passion had faded and still no foreplay . Don't get me wrong I am as much to blame for not opening my gob and telling him sooner. I am very shy though .

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 06/01/2008 20:07

EB - okay, lots of us have been in this situation. I would start by saying: 'I want to try something new'. Then book a hotel or just plan a night on your own and agree to concentrate on him for half an hour, use your imagination (and your tongue is a good plan too! ) but don't let him come, just get him v excited. Then tell him it's his turn and that you want to be kissed all over. If half an hour is too much, do lightning sex - you each get five minutes - you need a clock with a buzzer to do this right. Can be quite fun though.

Or tie the lazy bugger to the bed and jump on him and have your fun anyway!

justnally · 06/01/2008 20:08

oh so it was quantity rather than quality to begin with? . Only messing.

Seems that if you both love and respect eachother, this can be sorted out easily. He is probably wondering what to do to change things as well.

MissingMyHeels · 06/01/2008 20:11

Hello - man (in peace!) here. Lauren has shown me this thread and asked for my tuppence'worth.

Firstly - I think madamez is totally right - if this guy is selfish in general, he's not going to change in the bedroom - and that's a problem you may not overcome. If he's a 'watch 90 mins of football, and then spend extra time with the wife' kinda guy - it's never going to work. Alternatively, if he's a nice guy in everything else, then he just sounds sweetly clueless and you need to take him in hand (so to speak!)

'Praise sandwiches', 'feedback sandwiches' - whatever you want to call them - don't work. Men have fragile egos, and he'll just home in on the negative thing you've said rather than the two (rather weak in the example given) portions. In my humble opinion, there's only one kind of sandwich that works in the bedroom - and I'm not sure you're willing to go THAT far

The way to get people better in the bedroom is to let them know what you want them to do - seriously, it's that simple. If he doesn't know exactly what you want, he won't do it. Try and get him started (even if it's just giving you a kiss if foreplay doesn't come naturally), and then give a moan and tell him 'I'd really love you to....', 'I really love it when you...' (even if he doesn't!), 'ohhhh, {his name}, do...'

Be patient with him - he's had 10 years of thinking that he's your wildest sexual dream - it's going to take a while for him to realise that he could do better. But equally, don't just give up after a couple of attempts - for the same reason really - like any old hound, it takes a while to teach him some new tricks!

Good luck!

p.s. Lauren has just said that you should just tell him exactly what you want - make it a sexual game (this will only work if he's got a masochistic side - some men don't like being told what to do...)

KrippledKerryMum · 06/01/2008 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justnally · 06/01/2008 20:15

lol at MrHeels

orangehead · 06/01/2008 20:17

No advice, but there is an exact same story on 'how to have sex after marriage' its worth watching, quite good

Original poster
ExtremelyBored · 06/01/2008 20:18

lol at needing a stopwatch .

thanks guys & mr heels. I think my problem is I have always been painfully shy and find it hard to tell him what i want in the bedroom , kind of embarrassed. He probably just thinks i am not interested so goes off for a wank with his mags . not good is it?

OP posts:
Original poster
ExtremelyBored · 06/01/2008 20:20

orangehead where is the thread/post you are on about?

OP posts:
MissingMyHeels · 06/01/2008 20:24

ExtremelyBored - 'Mr Heels' again (I like that actually!)

Well that sounds like it might be part of the problem certainly - if you have a combination of a guy that can't be bothered/doesn't know what to do, and a lady who doesn't know how to express herself in the bedroom, then you have a problem.

I'd just say screw your courage to the sticking point, and go for it! It might be embarassing at first, but when you see the results, you'll find it easier and easier. Alternatively, if you genuinely have a problem face to face, why not text him at work telling him exactly what you want him to do to you when he gets back home - believe me, there is NOTHING that gets the pulse racing more than 'the unexpected sex text' , and you might find it easier if you're a little embarassed about the whole situation. Trust me - he won't text back saying 'sorry, I'm not bothered' - he might have to dash to the staff toilets though...

Original poster
ExtremelyBored · 06/01/2008 20:29

thanks mr heels. some very good advice which i will take on board.

OP posts:
orangehead · 06/01/2008 20:36

Extremely bored- its on tv I think channel 5

Original poster
ExtremelyBored · 06/01/2008 20:37

oh i thought you meant there was a thread on here somewhere . thanks i will take a look.

OP posts:
orangehead · 06/01/2008 20:38

Five life at 10pm on thursdays

Caterkiller · 06/01/2008 20:43

The important thing is to be totally open with your partner. I have recieved polite advice in the past from my wife on improving my performance and it helps. The last thing you want to do is say nothing and discover that your partner, believing that you are totally uninterested in him starts playing away. Criticism of any type hurts but it is short term pain for long term gain. If you do not believe that you can do this then it's probably best to call in the lawyers now and find someone else.

Shaniece · 06/01/2008 21:03

Tell him straight, you need to be honest. My DH needs to be told .

madamez · 06/01/2008 21:45

I think one of the biggest problems is that you have put up with his unsatisfactory shags for 10 years, which means he would not be that unreasonable in thinking that if he's happy with a weekly three-minutes of 'pull-my-nightie-down-when-you've-finished' then so are you. And it is going to come as a bit of a shock to him if you tell him that you've been bored for 10 years. This is ABSOLUTELY not to say that you shouldn't take action and ask for change, he;s had 10 years of getting his needs satisfied after all.
Frankly, one way you might put it to him is 'there's been all this discussions on MN about different sex practices which has given me a few ideas, what do you think? Have you any fantasies you've never told me about?' Etc. Because one unfortunate consequence of telling a long-term partner that you want some bedroom changes is (particularly if that partner is lazy aned selfish) that they will immediatley start saying 'waht gave you taht idea, are you having an affair???'As a way of not having to listen to you or do anything about it.