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Relationships

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Original poster

ASD boyfriend keeps delaying moving in with me and sometimes seems a bit disinterested - advice?

67 replies

anxiousgirlfriend · 14/03/2022 11:35

Hi all. Hoping to get some objective advice on my relationship situation, as is tricky to talk to friends about this. Sorry for the long post.

My boyfriend (33M) and I (31F) have been together for almost a year, in a LDR, and he is meant to be moving in with me this month. We found a property together, which I chose myself and he OK'd, and he was actually meant to be moving in with me last month but he's kept delaying his move and I have now been here for 6 weeks without him. He is finally moving later this month, or so he says.

I am sure that he wants to move in with me because he's told me that he does numerous times, but his actions don't seem to show this. We've also had issues in the past where he just seems really complacent almost to the point of disinterest. We live around 4 hours apart and generally speaking for the past year it has always been me visiting him, and when I asked him to visit me he said he would but then never really does.

He has a cat and often says it's because he can't leave the cat, but a friend of his is happy to catsit and he could come for just one night or something. Other than two brief visits of just a few hours, I haven't seen him since New Year now. I guess I have pinned my hopes on moving in together, i.e. when it finally happens I'll see him plenty and so this issue won't matter?

When I'm with him, I'm really happy, but I'm also aware that the way he does things isn't the way most people do. I know he's anxious about the move (he's autistic, which I always bear in mind and try to be as understanding as possible about), but I can't help but feel like he doesn't miss me or doesn't especially want to move in. I have tried to talk to him about this and he says he does miss me and does want to move in, but then I don't understand why he keeps putting it off for this long.

There are other little red flags for me that might help give you some context. As well as never really visiting me, I find it hard to get him out of the house to do things. He's not super affectionate, and I guess just generally he is quite low effort with me. Even though we are long distance we don't talk on the phone or video call in between seeing each other, and as I say sometimes it can be weeks before we get to see each other. On the other hand, we are making plans for the future and he seems to see me in his, so I feel like I am being irrational maybe? Would be especially grateful to hear from those in relationships/have had relationships with people with ASD.

OP posts:

Acheyknees · 14/03/2022 11:43

Hmm, from your post I wouldn't see your relationship as being being serious and committed on his side. As you haven't seen him since New Year and you don't speak in between, it seems a bit of a stretch expecting him to uproot and move in with you. Does he have a job currently? Have he a job to go to when he moved in with you?
I think maybe the relationship is a bit too casual at the moment to be talking ofoving in together.

Original poster

anxiousgirlfriend · 14/03/2022 11:46

@Acheyknees

Hmm, from your post I wouldn't see your relationship as being being serious and committed on his side. As you haven't seen him since New Year and you don't speak in between, it seems a bit of a stretch expecting him to uproot and move in with you. Does he have a job currently? Have he a job to go to when he moved in with you? I think maybe the relationship is a bit too casual at the moment to be talking ofoving in together.

Yes, he works online remotely so he can stay in his job and move to me. I work in an office and I can't leave my job, which is why he's coming this way. He's also quite geeky and so doesn't have loads of roots back home - he hasn't got lots of friends that he sees regularly etc.

We are very serious, we have discussed having children one day etc.

OP posts:

Nyfluff · 14/03/2022 11:54

If you've only seen him and spoken twice this year is it a relationship at all? Is that the level of communication and effort you want long term? All the autistic people in relationships I know (including myself) wouldn't behave that way, so don't put every difficulty down to autism as an excuse for something that's not ok for you. You have to ask the direct question and get an answer, otherwise you're wasting your life being unhappy and it could only get worse.

AskingforaBaskin · 14/03/2022 11:55

So you have been together almost a year but haven't seen each other for 3 of those.

He isn't driven in the next step and it's you doing the leg work.

Are you romanticising this relationship and bit and maybe thinking he is someone he is not? Because on paper this reads like it is not going to end well.

zafferana · 14/03/2022 11:58

You're very serious, yet you've seen him just twice since new year ... I'm not being unkind OP, but reading what you've written makes me think that this relationship is 99% in your head. This bloke sounds disinterested, at best.

PleaseBeSeated · 14/03/2022 12:00

Whoah, you are planning to move in with and have children with a totally uninterested man you've been in a LDR relationship with for a year, with you doing ALL the travelling, and whom you haven't seen or spoken to at all this year????

OP, surely you can see this is completely mad. Stop this nonsense, ditch Mr Can't Be Arsed, and find someone who will put himself out for you. Dammit, even someone who picks up the phone to talk to you would be a distinct improvement.

Pugfostermum · 14/03/2022 12:03

You’re not really in a relationship with him though are you? He’s just someone you talk to.
He’s not interested and there is no indication this will change.

LizDoingTheCanCan · 14/03/2022 12:05

Where does he live currently, has he given notice?

zafferana · 14/03/2022 12:07

Oh and in terms of advice:

end this relationship - it's going nowhere; and
in future, NEVER make all the running. If a man is into you, he'll make the effort. If he's not, he won't. Ever heard the saying 'actions speak louder than words'? This guy's lack of action tells you everything you need to know. He's just not that interested. So move on.

Original poster

anxiousgirlfriend · 14/03/2022 12:07

I think that because he has ASD he is quite... attached to his own environment, which explains why he doesn't visit me and is really anxious about the move. It's also why I don't think he likes calling.

I do know that it's a bit of a 'different' relationship, but when I am with him I am really happy and so I can't help but think that after we move in together we will be sorted. Why would he be willing to move in with me (he has signed the papers etc) if he wasn't committed?

OP posts:

FrancescaContini · 14/03/2022 12:09

Actions speak louder than words. I have been in a relationship with a man who I later realised was definitely ASD. Never again. He couldn’t understand my viewpoint on anything.

Original poster

anxiousgirlfriend · 14/03/2022 12:11

@LizDoingTheCanCan

Where does he live currently, has he given notice?

He rents, and yes he told me he's given notice. He's also signed the papers for the place we are moving into together (I couldn't afford it alone), and so he's responsible for paying the rent there with me too. For the last month he's paid his rent + half the rent on our new place, and he extended his current contract by a further few weeks to give himself more time to pack/move.

(I think he has packed very slowly because he's anxious about it.)

OP posts:

HappenstanceMarmite · 14/03/2022 12:14

Words are cheap and mean nothing if not followed up with actions. Take it from one who learned the hard way many times unforch

LizDoingTheCanCan · 14/03/2022 12:14

(I think he has packed very slowly because he's anxious about it.)

Read that back. You're acknowledging that he doesn't want to move. Have you asked him outright if he still wants to move in?

Original poster

anxiousgirlfriend · 14/03/2022 12:15

@LizDoingTheCanCan

(I think he has packed very slowly because he's anxious about it.)

Read that back. You're acknowledging that he doesn't want to move. Have you asked him outright if he still wants to move in?

I am sure he wants to move, I am just anxious about when I suppose. Why would he sign the documents to move in and go through with it this far if he didn't want to?

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 14/03/2022 12:18

I think making big changes is very often very difficult for people with asd. As far as your relationship goes, as you've got to this point, try living together. Just make sure that you are able to get what you need out of the relationship in terms of communication, support etc - he may or may not be able to give you that, and you will need to do some adapting for sure. Just make sure you can live w the result.

LizDoingTheCanCan · 14/03/2022 12:20

Why would he sign the documents to move in and go through with it this far if he didn't want to?

Because he's trying to talk himself into it, to make you happy. Have you ever agreed to something, then realised you don't want to do it, but you don't want to let someone down so you keep going along with it? That's what is happening here.

Porcupineintherough · 14/03/2022 12:20

Oh and I'm sure he does want to move in with you. But that doesnt mean a lot of anxiety about it all isnt involved. Hopefully his desire to change will be greater than his fear of change but, either way, you'll soon know.

Original poster

anxiousgirlfriend · 14/03/2022 12:22

@Porcupineintherough

Thank you, this is really helpful. I think one thing that bothers me is that I know he moved to Spain for a year or so with his ex, and I keep thinking that what I am asking for is a really small ask in relation to that (and it means I know he can do big moves.)

OP posts:

colouringindoors · 14/03/2022 12:25

OP with respect, why are you with this man? You hardly see him (and when you do you have to travel to him). You rarely speak in between visits. He's not affectionate. He rarely organises stuff - would rather stay in.

This does not sound like a fulfilling relationship or one where interest is equal on both sides.

It may be that part of him really does want to move in with you, but now it's actually come around, he simply can't- quite probably comnected to his ASD. If he doesn't even call you, how on earth can he cope with living with you?

You need to talk more with him and see if he can tell you why he hasn't moved - does he have the insight to know?

PleaseBeSeated · 14/03/2022 12:25

I am sure he wants to move, I am just anxious about when I suppose. Why would he sign the documents to move in and go through with it this far if he didn't want to?

I asked the same of a male friend of mine, now in his 50s and who is, I suspect, autistic -- why did he accept his longterm LDR girlfriend's proposal of marriage, reluctantly move in with her, allow her to organise the wedding, and then go through IVF with her to have a family?

He said he thought these were things he was supposed to want, and that he should do them because his GF wanted to. So, like your boyfriend, he dragged his feet over everything, and him needing to be coaxed into the slightest thing, very slowly, like a frightened kitten in a new place, came to be accepted as normal in their marriage. Which, unsurprisingly, was a total shit show, and ended when he suddenly decided he'd been forced into a life he didn't want and got a divorce. Now he is living the completely solitary 'gaming on the sofa and never doing anything' life which is the only one he has ever actually chosen. He barely sees his children.

Is that really the kind of future you want? Because it started in just the same way you're describing.

litterbird · 14/03/2022 12:26

I had a boyfriend with ASD and displayed all the things you are talking about. I also am a support worker for young adults with ASD and other challenges. My advise to you is to step away from getting him to move in with you. It will trigger many anxieties in him. He may need a lot of time to himself and moving in is the opposite to what he may need to live his life. Please read up and inform yourself with adult ASD, you will then understand that it may not be the path you need to go down. My lovely ex just couldn't cope with the engulfment he felt with me around 24/7. Not his fault but he needed so much space and time to himself that living together just wasn't going to work.

Acheyknees · 14/03/2022 12:26

Can I ask how many times you've spent the weekend together and when you decided to move in together? Was it his idea?

Original poster

anxiousgirlfriend · 14/03/2022 12:27

Whenever I try to talk to him about it he just reassures me that he does want to. I can't really get any further than that, and he can't really explain why he's so anxious about it. I've also already moved into the joint place (that I can't afford by myself) and so I really do just need him to hurry up and move in.

OP posts:

Original poster

anxiousgirlfriend · 14/03/2022 12:31

@Acheyknees

Can I ask how many times you've spent the weekend together and when you decided to move in together? Was it his idea?

I am not sure, I would say one weekend every 2-3 weeks on average since beginning of last June, with a few odd slightly longer spells here and there. I think in that time he has come to me maybe 2-3 times total, the rest I went to him for.

Moving in together... so he basically made some comments about it very very early on (before we had actually met up in person) that obviously neither of us was really serious about, but then I have been suggesting for a while that we move in after our rental contacts expire and he always seemed happy with this. So it is probably my suggestion. One thing to say was that before we met up he was really really keen, talking about coming to see me (he visited me first), but since then I do feel like he is just really comfortable and has then made less effort to visit than I first thought he would. But again I feel like once we move in this won't be an issue.

OP posts:

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