ASD boyfriend keeps delaying moving in with me and sometimes seems a bit disinterested - advice?

[anxiousgirlfriend]

Hi all. Hoping to get some objective advice on my relationship situation, as is tricky to talk to friends about this. Sorry for the long post.

My boyfriend (33M) and I (31F) have been together for almost a year, in a LDR, and he is meant to be moving in with me this month. We found a property together, which I chose myself and he OK'd, and he was actually meant to be moving in with me last month but he's kept delaying his move and I have now been here for 6 weeks without him. He is finally moving later this month, or so he says.

I am sure that he wants to move in with me because he's told me that he does numerous times, but his actions don't seem to show this. We've also had issues in the past where he just seems really complacent almost to the point of disinterest. We live around 4 hours apart and generally speaking for the past year it has always been me visiting him, and when I asked him to visit me he said he would but then never really does.

He has a cat and often says it's because he can't leave the cat, but a friend of his is happy to catsit and he could come for just one night or something. Other than two brief visits of just a few hours, I haven't seen him since New Year now. I guess I have pinned my hopes on moving in together, i.e. when it finally happens I'll see him plenty and so this issue won't matter?

When I'm with him, I'm really happy, but I'm also aware that the way he does things isn't the way most people do. I know he's anxious about the move (he's autistic, which I always bear in mind and try to be as understanding as possible about), but I can't help but feel like he doesn't miss me or doesn't especially want to move in. I have tried to talk to him about this and he says he does miss me and does want to move in, but then I don't understand why he keeps putting it off for this long.

There are other little red flags for me that might help give you some context. As well as never really visiting me, I find it hard to get him out of the house to do things. He's not super affectionate, and I guess just generally he is quite low effort with me. Even though we are long distance we don't talk on the phone or video call in between seeing each other, and as I say sometimes it can be weeks before we get to see each other. On the other hand, we are making plans for the future and he seems to see me in his, so I feel like I am being irrational maybe? Would be especially grateful to hear from those in relationships/have had relationships with people with ASD.

I just don’t understand what you get from this relationship. He’s causing you enormous anxiety - look at your username!

You know that someone you love shouldn’t make you feel like this, don’t you?

I do have anxiety anyway! I actually feel a lot less anxious with him than with my ex, it's just this move that is making things worse.

How old are you?

@FrancescaContini

How old are you?

31.

@anxiousgirlfriend

Whenever I try to talk to him about it he just reassures me that he does want to. I can't really get any further than that, and he can't really explain why he's so anxious about it. I've also already moved into the joint place (that I can't afford by myself) and so I really do just need him to hurry up and move in.

You haven't read a word that people have written have you OP? You're like a horse with blinkers on, plodding down the road, refusing to look left or right, because you might be forced to acknowledge that this isn't going to work.

Have you had many (or any) relationships before?

But “feeling less anxious than with your ex” - this isn’t a very positive statement about your current relationship, is it?

Honestly, a relationship should be so much better than this.

My ex was quite difficult and it ended badly, and my current boyfriend is a lot easier than him. He's very easy going and generally he makes me feel good about myself. I just also feel like he is quite low effort too. But there aren't really many negatives, if that makes sense.

He's not that into you.

No negatives apart from you don't see each other much, don't speak in between visits, he makes no effort, and doesn't appear to want to move in.

Has he even been to this place that you rent 'together'?

@minmooch

No negatives apart from you don't see each other much, don't speak in between visits, he makes no effort, and doesn't appear to want to move in.

Has he even been to this place that you rent 'together'?

Yes, those are the two times he's visited since New Year. Basically he came by once just to look around for half an hour because he thought it would help him be less anxious, and he came by two weeks ago to drop some stuff off and only stayed for a few hours.

I echo @TristesseDurera says - he's not that into you but is going along with things to keep you happy. I bet that once you move in together it'll go downhill. You do have blinkers on around him and this relationship though.

If he moved to Spain to be with a girlfriend he should be enthusiastic and making firm plans to move in with you now.

But there aren't really many negatives, if that makes sense.

There are lots of negatives OP. These are direct quotes, from what you've written, all of which are negatives:

• he was actually meant to be moving in with me last month but he's kept delaying his move;
• we've also had issues in the past where he just seems really complacent almost to the point of disinterest;
• when I asked him to visit me he said he would but then never really does;
• other than two brief visits of just a few hours, I haven't seen him since New Year;
• I can't help but feel like he doesn't miss me or doesn't especially want to move in;
• I find it hard to get him out of the house to do things;
• He's not super affectionate, and I guess just generally he is quite low effort with me;
• we don't talk on the phone or video call in between seeing each other, and as I say sometimes it can be weeks before we get to see each other.

I do get how it sounds but I feel like all of those things will be fixed after we move in.

@anxiousgirlfriend

My ex was quite difficult and it ended badly, and my current boyfriend is a lot easier than him. He's very easy going and generally he makes me feel good about myself. I just also feel like he is quite low effort too. But there aren't really many negatives, if that makes sense.

Of course there are negatives, OP. You're having to coax a man into moving in with you. It was your suggestion the last time he mentioned moving in together you hadn't even met! and do you honestly think it would be happening if you hadn't kept hustling? Do you think you'd still be in a relationship if you hadn't trekked four hours to wherever he lives every week or two? He was never going to do the travelling, same as he was never going to pick up the phone in between visits.

Here's an idea, OP. As an experiment, just stop making any effort. Stop travelling to him, phoning him, stop messaging him, stop reminding him you're expecting him to move in with you -- how long will the relationship last?

Only of course you can't because you've insanely entangled your finances by moving into a place you can't afford without him. In your shoes, OP, I would cut your losses and get a lodger to cover the rent, if the new place has an extra bedroom. It will save you a lot of heartbreak in the long run.

Whether he has ASD or not is a complete red herring -- but you're using it to excuse his complete lack of interest in you, the smallness of his life, and his complete inability to adapt. Do you really want the rest of your life to involving having to persuade him to do things?

@zafferana

But there aren't really many negatives, if that makes sense.

There are lots of negatives OP. These are direct quotes, from what you've written, all of which are negatives:

• he was actually meant to be moving in with me last month but he's kept delaying his move;
• we've also had issues in the past where he just seems really complacent almost to the point of disinterest;
• when I asked him to visit me he said he would but then never really does;
• other than two brief visits of just a few hours, I haven't seen him since New Year;
• I can't help but feel like he doesn't miss me or doesn't especially want to move in;
• I find it hard to get him out of the house to do things;
• He's not super affectionate, and I guess just generally he is quite low effort with me;
• we don't talk on the phone or video call in between seeing each other, and as I say sometimes it can be weeks before we get to see each other.

Absolutely. OP, read this over. These are all things you said. You're deluding yourself if you think moving in together will change anything for the better.

You've mentioned in your title your boyfriend is autistic and you want advice from other people in relationships with autistic individuals.

My husband is autistic. He used to love big romantic gestures. This included taking me away for the weekend and popping into my favorite shop to pick me up a new top whenever he waited for a train in St Pancreas.He was in the process of buying a flat when we met but he put it on hold as we got on so well he didn't want to have to sell it in a few months if we decided to live together.

As others have said your boyfriend doesn't seem that into you. It sounds like you have low self-esteem and due to this are clinging to a man who doesn't meet your needs.

@anxiousgirlfriend

I do get how it sounds but I feel like all of those things will be fixed after we move in.

You think his disinterest, complacency and reluctance to leave the house will change when you move in together. Okay OP. I'm really not sure why you came on here today asking for advice, since you're determined not to take any of it.

OP he isn’t going to move in with you. I’m sorry.

I think tbh you're right, I was hoping people would tell me they had partners with ASD and this kind of thing is common. Not sure if it sounds like maybe that is not the case.

I do love him and I know I make compromises but I want to stay with him though.

You don't call each other? You've seen him twice since new year? This is not a committed relationship.

I'd cut your losses and move on. Doesn't sound like he will ever give you what you want.

I’m not sure he will actually ever move in op. And if he does, what kind of life are you going to have with an unaffectionate man who doesn’t want to go out?

He knows you’ve been living on your own for weeks and he still hasn’t got his act together. I think you’re flogging a dead horse.

How are you communicating with each other if you don’t see him and you don’t call?

Basically he came by once just to look around for half an hour because he thought it would help him be less anxious, and he came by two weeks ago to drop some stuff off and only stayed for a few hours.

Oh OP you can't keep lying to yourself that 'when we are together everything is great' etc.

He has only made the effort to come see you twice this year.

Once he looked around a home you're going to be sharing for 30 minutes, showing a complete lack of enthusiasm.

The second time he dropped stuff off and only spent a couple of hours with you?!

You are not happy in this relationship and it's madness to insist you are fundamentally happy and there are just a few tiny issues. There are massive issues.

You want a clear and strong future with someone excited to be with you, spend time with you and build a life with you.

He isn't on the same page, even if he wishes he was. Nowhere near.

What on earth was you thinking signing up to a place you cannot afford?
You have been in a relationship for less than a year, and have had barely any contact with him. You are strangers to each other.

I would suggest contact whoever you rent from, explain that the relationship has broken down and try and get out of the contract now rather than being evicted for rent arrears.

I do know that it's a bit of a 'different' relationship, but when I am with him I am really happy

You are not with him most of the time. No weekdays and one weekend out of two or three. Even less since Christmas.

and so I can't help but think that after we move in together we will be sorted.

Why would you think that? What do you think living with him every day will be like?

I guess I have pinned my hopes on moving in together, i.e. when it finally happens I'll see him plenty and so this issue won't matter?

I am really sorry but your hopes are just wishful thinking.

I can't help but feel like he doesn't miss me or doesn't especially want to move in.

He is settled where he is, and he is contented with his cat and with you visiting him now and again. He probably doesn't miss you when you are not there. And quite possibly he doesn't really want to move in and he wont enjoy living with you.

he can't really explain why he's so anxious about it.

If you want to know what he is really thinking, try asking him what you will both do when you move in together. How will you each spend your spare time? Where will you go out, what will you do together after work and at weekends? And what will you do apart? Who will cook? Who will wash up? Who will clean? Where will he go out?

The chances are that either he will tell you exactly what he did when he was with his last girlfriend or else he has no idea at all. The future living with you in a new place may all be a total blank to him.

That is why he is so anxious, and that is why it is a bad idea for you to move in together. You need to slow down and find a way to step back from this commitment you have made to a home that is too expensive for you.