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Relationships

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Original poster

ASD boyfriend keeps delaying moving in with me and sometimes seems a bit disinterested - advice?

67 replies

anxiousgirlfriend · 14/03/2022 11:35

Hi all. Hoping to get some objective advice on my relationship situation, as is tricky to talk to friends about this. Sorry for the long post.

My boyfriend (33M) and I (31F) have been together for almost a year, in a LDR, and he is meant to be moving in with me this month. We found a property together, which I chose myself and he OK'd, and he was actually meant to be moving in with me last month but he's kept delaying his move and I have now been here for 6 weeks without him. He is finally moving later this month, or so he says.

I am sure that he wants to move in with me because he's told me that he does numerous times, but his actions don't seem to show this. We've also had issues in the past where he just seems really complacent almost to the point of disinterest. We live around 4 hours apart and generally speaking for the past year it has always been me visiting him, and when I asked him to visit me he said he would but then never really does.

He has a cat and often says it's because he can't leave the cat, but a friend of his is happy to catsit and he could come for just one night or something. Other than two brief visits of just a few hours, I haven't seen him since New Year now. I guess I have pinned my hopes on moving in together, i.e. when it finally happens I'll see him plenty and so this issue won't matter?

When I'm with him, I'm really happy, but I'm also aware that the way he does things isn't the way most people do. I know he's anxious about the move (he's autistic, which I always bear in mind and try to be as understanding as possible about), but I can't help but feel like he doesn't miss me or doesn't especially want to move in. I have tried to talk to him about this and he says he does miss me and does want to move in, but then I don't understand why he keeps putting it off for this long.

There are other little red flags for me that might help give you some context. As well as never really visiting me, I find it hard to get him out of the house to do things. He's not super affectionate, and I guess just generally he is quite low effort with me. Even though we are long distance we don't talk on the phone or video call in between seeing each other, and as I say sometimes it can be weeks before we get to see each other. On the other hand, we are making plans for the future and he seems to see me in his, so I feel like I am being irrational maybe? Would be especially grateful to hear from those in relationships/have had relationships with people with ASD.

OP posts:

NoCauseRebel · 14/03/2022 13:06

OP, he doesn’t want to live with you. He can’t even be bothered to talk to you between visits.

You’ve been together for 9 months, and you’ve only seen each other every 3 weeks since then, so what? 11, 12 times?

he’s not affectionate? Do you have sex at all and is that it? Because to be blunt this isn’t a casual relationship, it’s more a friends with benefits situation

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 14/03/2022 13:07

I don't think it's acceptable that you are looking to "blame" this man's autism for this situation - you are the one who has deliberately financially entangled yourself with someone after only meeting..what, half a dozen times?

You need to take responsibility for that - why on earth would you make yourself financially dependent on someone who clearly is not committed to you or your relationship?

Stop trying to solicit agreement that it's this man's autism to blame (which always attracts the I knew a man with autism and he was horrible posts). See what you can do to salvage the financial situation, perhaps check PP's suggestion to get a lodger?

If you won't listen to what this man is telling you, listen to what people here are telling you, set your bar higher and untangle yourself from this.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 14/03/2022 13:08

I'm autistic and so is my DH and to me, what you're describing is pretty typical of someone with autism. It doesn't necessarily mean he's disinterested or that he doesn't want to move in with you. When we moved house my MIL came and did all our packing for us because I found it completely overwelming, just couldn't get going as I was paralysed by the thought of it. Likewise when he's away with work we don't call each other and chat, or even message. To us that would be really weird.

What I'm trying to say is that you're judging his behaviour through an NT lense, and he will always fall short of that. If you want a boyfriend to act NT then this one isn't for you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/03/2022 13:12

I do know that it's a bit of a 'different' relationship, but when I am with him I am really happy

This isn't true though OP.

I find it hard to get him out of the house to do things.

He's not super affectionate, and I guess just generally he is quite low effort with me.

We've also had issues in the past where he just seems really complacent almost to the point of disinterest.

All this plus it sounds like you have met him in person maybe ten times max?!

Also you mention children in your future. If you do want kids, please don't keep fooling yourself about this relationship. You're 31. You could easily waste years of your 30s in a relationship that doesn't meet your emotional needs and would be really, really tough to add a child into the mix with someone disinterested, disengaged and unable to discuss their feelings openly and follow through on promises / commitments.

You really don't know him so it was madness on both your parts to sign as joint tenants especially on a place you definitely can't afford alone. You must have met 10 times max.

Please don't spend any more years of your life on someone who isn't on the same page as you.

Kuachui · 14/03/2022 13:14

you sound very nieve and young. believing things because they have been said :S

grinbear · 14/03/2022 13:16

My husband and child are both autistic. I know how much they love me but it’s not always obvious. They have to be nudged into things or they’d never do anything new. They seem disinterested in anything outside of their special interests. I think it’s wonderful how understanding you are but don’t be afraid to express how his behaviour is making you feel. My husband thanks me now for pointing out when he is being rigid or stand offish.

Riapia · 14/03/2022 13:27

The kindest thing would be to leave the poor guy alone.
He doesn’t want to move in. He sees you as little as possible and when he does he’s not affectionate.
FFS he’s trying to tell you something, listen.

HMG107 · 14/03/2022 13:28

I was hoping people would tell me they had partners with ASD and this kind of thing is common

@anxiousgirlfriend I'm sure they would. There are lots of men like this whether they're autistic or not.

runsmidgeOMG · 14/03/2022 13:56

Op to echo what others have said you don't know him. It's sad but true. I know what it is to believe a relationship is going somewhere where it isn't because I got fixated on the Disney happy ever after but PP summed it up well.

You aren't totally happy.

Time for cards on the table. Sadly and I say this in empathy I think if you were to tell him how you feel and that you both shouldn't go through with this after all he'd likely shrug, breathe a sigh of relief at not having to move and hug the cat. That's the picture I get when you describe him.

Be kind to yourself

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2022 14:03

What you're describing is not really a relationship at all so its really limped along as it has and will continue to do until one of you says no more. You are on totally different pages and are not compatible with each other.

Ask yourself why him and why you want to stay with him?. Do you really see him as your last chance to have a relationship and or kids here?. Why did you make your own self this financially dependent on him, that's solely on you here.

Gonnagetgoing · 14/03/2022 14:07

I'm hoping that OP doesn't try to limp along with this relationship and force the man to move in.

I've known autistic men who've been very romantic, wanted to move in etc so I don't think it's OP's boyfriend's fault for not being keen to move in and she's been a bit silly renting a flat she can't afford without him.

AgentJohnson · 14/03/2022 16:04

In your opening post you asked for objective replies which is what you have received. Unfortunately, it appears you aren’t prepared to match the objectivity you demand of others.

I don’t think this man will ever be able to give you the type of relationship you crave because he wants to maintain the status quo and you don’t. Even if you did get him to move in with you, the plain sailing that you envision would be far from the horizon.

Op, take a massive step back and put down the blinkers.

mrsrat · 14/03/2022 16:07

You aren't listening to anyone just making excuses. Why are people bothering to comment ? You've made up your mind you're going to hanger around for him and that's that so crack on

HollowTalk · 14/03/2022 16:22

Forgetting the ridiculous situation of you renting somewhere when everything about him said that he didn't want to move, why on earth would you think of having children with someone who is uncomfortable leaving the house? Honestly I think you're better off out of this relationship and I think he would be more comfortable staying in his own place.

Gonnagetgoing · 14/03/2022 16:24

@HollowTalk

@HollowTalk - I'm hoping he will decide not to move in and will end the relationship.

But a LDR over lockdowns where neither of them see each other that much, it was never going to end well really.

I really hope OP won't be guilt tripping this man into moving in with her as I think it'd be a disaster all round.

Emmelina · 14/03/2022 17:03

If you take the autism out of the equation, this wouldn’t be a well balanced relationship and you would be questioning his interest.
While the autism likely means he has a strong attachment to his current life, you do need to be mindful of allowing it to be an “excuse”. And I’m trying to word this very carefully so as not to offend anyone as one of my three has confirmed ASD and another awaiting testing so I know this can’t be helped, but you shouldn’t have to put up with someone dragging things out and wasting your fertile years. You need to be having a frank discussion with him about what he really wants and where you’re both going with this.

Siepie · 14/03/2022 17:15

Going from contact once every few weeks to living together is an enormous change to make. My DP and I were long distance before we moved in together, but we Skyped every day. It was still a massive change to go from that to being right next to each other for hours every day. I really wouldn't be looking to go from your current situation to living together without some steps in between.

Why do you think that living together will fix all the issues? Living with someone who doesn't want to speak to you would be a lot more unpleasant than what you have now.

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