Why do relationships change after a baby?

[BaggyBagsy]

NC for this as DH knows my username (I sometimes show him threads on MN).

I often see on here that having a baby can cause difficulties in a marriage / relationship, and that many relationships fail after a baby arrives. Now DH and I are no where near ending things, but I’m just trying to understand what’s going on.

We have a baby, who is 11 months old. I go back to work in a few weeks and for the past 11 months, I have done the vast majority of the childcare. DS is also a really poor sleeper, and wakes up on average 6 to 8 times a night (we have tried everything, including sleep training - the Ferber Method - but nothing has worked) so I have been functioning on broken sleep since he was born.

We’ve always been very happy. We fall out every now and then when we debate political matters (we both feel very strongly about things) but we always make up quickly. However, over the past few weeks, we’ve suddenly become short with each. There’s this tension in the air, and neither of us understand it (we have talked about it). It’s like we’ve suddenly stopped liking each other so we annoy each other.

One issue of mine is that I feel DH doesn’t do enough for DS. The extent of his care is one morning every weekend to give me a lie in, and on top of that no more than 1 or 2 nappies a week. I do absolutely everything else. We have talked about this and as I go back to work soon, this does need to change and he agrees.

So I do wonder if that has built up on my side and led to the current tension in the air.

But other than that, I don’t understand why we are where we are. Why the loving and kind side of our relationship has suddenly disappeared? Hence why I’m wondering what it is about having a baby that causes relationships to struggle.

Before anyone suggests it, there is 100% no chance of another woman. DH is also upset at the current tension between us and keeps asking me what’s wrong and what he can do to resolve it, but I don’t know what’s wrong.

Why isn't he raising his little one?

I do all our night wakings as I'm not at work, it doesn't mean I do everything. When my husband gets home from work he generally does the baby parenting from then onwards and at the weekend we're probably 30/70 with him being the 70 as I've got rugby tots and my own rugby.

Why does he need teaching anything?! Is he stupid? Yes, he may learn a different method of doing things to what you do, but thats fine.

Yes you'll both still be a bit knackered and you may miss each other a bit as you don't have the same time for each other, but if you're both doing your bit it helps hugely.

Everyone is different but in my case it turned out H had been dealing with mental health issues and addiction for years. He coped when it was just him and me but the babies, and the added pressure they brought sent everything crashing down. In the end it was a good thing as he sought help but the journey was hellish.

I think also to be fair to men out there, it's easy to be a bit selfish pre baby because there's so much less to do.

It's hard to accept the level of additional work that one small baby actually brings and that the job is 24/7. So I'm wondering if the response is because they genuinely think that just working and doing what they did pre DC is enough and because the DM is at home so therefore the DC is down to her.

I went to prenatal classes and honestly I feel they should spend much less time on the birth and breastfeeding and a bit more time encouraging couples to on agree who does what and financials. These are the issues that split partnerships.

Tiredness and expectations, both parties may be vastly different.
Having a bay is like adding a full-time job on top of your previous life, however, it's meant to be shared, negotiating the new arrival and the obligations is difficult.

@RandomMess

You need to lay it on the line that he has to start doing his share which is 50% of the mental load, parenting, housework, nursery runs the lot.

It will mean him stopping work on time, him taking days off to cover any sick days etc etc.

Basically he sees it all as your job.

You can't take on 50% of the mental load. What a load of twaddle, he's not a mind reader. It's such a ridiculous concept. Couples need to be proactive in directing each other and becoming a team.

I'm not surprised you feel resentment, even if you weren't aware it was there. He got post partum depression, so you had to do everything for the sake of his wellbeing? Seriously? After you'd given birth??

And the fact he expects you to do more when you return to work is worrying, and shows he thinks children are women's work.

You really need to sit him down and spell it out - when I return to work, we will have the same hours and pressure at work, so we will share the childcare / home duties 50/50.

He has a good job so he should understand the very simple concept that you are both parents and if you're working the same job then you will do the same amount of work at home / childcare.

It isn't your job as a woman to cut your work hours so you are available more at home. There is no logic to that at all (unless he thinks it truly is 'women's work' in which case you have a big problem).

Don't always be the one to leave early if DC is ill / attend parents evening / sports days / take the day off when they have an appointment / make appointments etc - it gets split 50/50. Ditto housework and life admin. Start at you mean to go on!

I think there are lots of reasons but in your case I'm afraid it smacks of traditional misogyny:

DH thinks that baby work and effort is really your job and that he can perhaps "help" a little but he doesn't need to take 100% responsibility. That includes in terms of when you go back to work - YOU will be expected to reduce your hours, be less available and generally act in a way that will limit your career but not him. You, obviously, resent this.

At the same time, the other side of this same misogyny is that your DH thinks that his opinions should be implemented. SO he comes up with what he thinks is the right way to bring up the baby but expects YOU to implement it. This of course is the classic, "man as head of the household" misogyny - the type where it doesn't even matter if the man is present or not, but childrearing is done as per his preference.

Normally, I like to believe that men can absolutely overcome their natural inclinations to to expect life to change as little as possible when they have children. But I have serious doubts in your case. Also, in light of his post natal depression.... I'd have more sympathy if there were signs of him dealing with it etc. I had PND. Really struggled to bond with DS. But I felt so GUILTY about that that I spent hours and hours with him, constantly trying to bond, trying to feel better etc. I see his post natal depression means he just gets to absent himself from childcare responsibilities. How convenient.

If your DH is keen to alleviate the tension, it is very important to communicate. Hopefully, he will help you get some time to yourself so it does not fall on you. Some people do not think there is a need to say things, they should just know. Unfortunately, not everyone is the same. Writing a list of things that you are currently doing with no support at all, and delegate at least 50% to your DH. Sometimes, just seeing everything written down in, will be the message needed to see how much it’s all falling on you. Hopefully, once things are on a more even keel, things will become better between the two of you.

Both of you, having your own time to do your own thing, will help you so that you don’t feel like you’re losing yourself. There will be compromises that need to be made but it shouldn’t just be you who is just compromising your wants and needs, it needs to go both ways, before this resentment festers and leads to a communication break down.

Also, to add to my misogyny theory above, HE is probably feeling a bit resentful that you are not slipping into the traditional woman category. Whether he acknowledges it to himself or not, he really believes you should be and so he is probably a bit irritated that you seem to want him to do more.

To answer your original question:

Relationships change after having a baby because you're in the trenches. You're tired, pulled in all directions, firefighting, getting to grips with a new reality and learning to prioritise your DC's wellbeing over your own (often very real and urgent) needs. It's a stressful time.

If your partner is there with you, helping alongside you and doing their share, then your relationship will become infinitely stronger. You will remember being there for each other when you needed each other and adjusting to being parents together. People bond over shared experiences and camaraderie. "Remember that night when DC had norovirus and we ran out of sheets and were taking turns to sleep... wasn't it awful?"

However, often one parent's life (usually the mother's) is changed completely by having a baby and the other parent just continues merrily as before. They're not around to help or they view it as their partner's responsibility. Not only is their partner carrying a double load, but they then often deny the lived reality of their partner's experiences..."It's not that hard taking care of a baby." "It's your job". "I work more hours so shouldn't have to help at home because I'm tired". And suddenly it's like looking at a stranger... someone you don't recognise, with whom you no longer have any camaraderie or shared experiences, moreover who constantly seems to be gaslighting you with their justifications and feeble excuses. You realise eventually that they still put their own needs and wants first (and probably always will), over your child's, over your own - and when you've spent months and months putting yourself last, that's a bitter pill to swallow.

@Goldbar Well said Op, things will be sorted soon since your DH is aware of the tension and perhaps will try his best to redress the balance so you can have a break as well.

Goldbar has said it better than I could. This happened to me (then he turned physically abusive when I tried to correct things), and I've seen it happen so many times in other relationships where men turn a blind eye and the women end up resentful. So many relationships breaking down this way.

In our case, DH was consumed with work. It was a busy and stressful time for him, but he was pulling all-nighters, working weekends, coming home at 3am. All while I was on my own coping with possible PND and a tiny baby. Whenever he was at home, he was sleeping or working.

DH has stepped up since (and has become better at balancing home and work) but it's taken a long time for us to repair our relationship. For a long time we stopped communicating at all. I wasn't blameless in this. My 'revenge' was to stop telling DH anything at all. I'd send pictures of the baby to everyone (including his family) except him. I'd totally ignore him when he messaged to ask what we were up to. If he asked whether we were ok, I'd just message 'fine' and nothing else. I'd take DC to visit my family without telling him where we were going. He arrived home one evening to find my parents looking after DC because I was in hospital having an operation I hadn't told him about. When he asked why, I told him he wasn't 'on my team' so why should I tell him anything? I think we both realised then that we had to try harder.

I've just read the two full-time careers post. I don't think these types of arrangements work unless you hire another person eg a nanny to manage the baby and household.
Or change your work-life strategy.
I left my full-time job to set up a business which means I can deal with the children, meals, drop-offs, events, etc. My ex-wife just plowed on with her career, I left.

The end result of not dealing with the baby effectively is divorce.