Why do relationships change after a baby?

[BaggyBagsy]

NC for this as DH knows my username (I sometimes show him threads on MN).

I often see on here that having a baby can cause difficulties in a marriage / relationship, and that many relationships fail after a baby arrives. Now DH and I are no where near ending things, but I’m just trying to understand what’s going on.

We have a baby, who is 11 months old. I go back to work in a few weeks and for the past 11 months, I have done the vast majority of the childcare. DS is also a really poor sleeper, and wakes up on average 6 to 8 times a night (we have tried everything, including sleep training - the Ferber Method - but nothing has worked) so I have been functioning on broken sleep since he was born.

We’ve always been very happy. We fall out every now and then when we debate political matters (we both feel very strongly about things) but we always make up quickly. However, over the past few weeks, we’ve suddenly become short with each. There’s this tension in the air, and neither of us understand it (we have talked about it). It’s like we’ve suddenly stopped liking each other so we annoy each other.

One issue of mine is that I feel DH doesn’t do enough for DS. The extent of his care is one morning every weekend to give me a lie in, and on top of that no more than 1 or 2 nappies a week. I do absolutely everything else. We have talked about this and as I go back to work soon, this does need to change and he agrees.

So I do wonder if that has built up on my side and led to the current tension in the air.

But other than that, I don’t understand why we are where we are. Why the loving and kind side of our relationship has suddenly disappeared? Hence why I’m wondering what it is about having a baby that causes relationships to struggle.

Before anyone suggests it, there is 100% no chance of another woman. DH is also upset at the current tension between us and keeps asking me what’s wrong and what he can do to resolve it, but I don’t know what’s wrong.

I suggest DH takes a week off work and you go away for at least 5 days and he gets up to speed on parenting and running a house.

DH does often say he needs to do more, but as a PP understood, it’s me who needs to write down and set out exactly what he does.
^

Next you'll be telling us that he has a high flying job managing tons of projects....

but I’m starting to worry they won’t be.

^

Nope. They'll be worse

He's sounding worse. Yes, it's possible to be building up resentment subconsciously. There will be a point when all of it becomes too much to ignore and maybe that's approaching.

@dipdye

DH does often say he needs to do more, but as a PP understood, it’s me who needs to write down and set out exactly what he does. ^

Next you'll be telling us that he has a high flying job managing tons of projects....

Thing is, he actually does. But so do I. We have the exact same job in the City. Hence why it bugs me when he tells me I need to change my work mindset, instead of we both do.

It’s also why I’ve been supportive of his work whilst I’ve been on mat leave, because I know exactly how demanding and all encompassing it is. But like I said, it’s fine whilst I’m at home. But can’t carry on when I’m back at work.

@PastMyBestBeforeDate

He's sounding worse. Yes, it's possible to be building up resentment subconsciously. There will be a point when all of it becomes too much to ignore and maybe that's approaching.

I think so. I genuinely don’t mind doing everything for DS, as I live my time with him. It’s seeing DH do almost nothing that I am starting to struggle with.

Well DS can't do anything to help but DH can. He's choosing not to whist making it clear that you are going to have to be mindful how you balance your two roles because he's not going to help.

OK, so from what I have seen of City types, he'll be surrounded by other men doing very little at home. That's not helpful when you're pushing back on 11 months of inequality.

So work out what childcare would make your life bearable (not just cover work time) and put it to him that he organises and pays if he's not going to do it himself.

Was he keen to have the baby? What are his own parents like in terms of splitting jobs in the house?

OK so unsurprisingly he’s fully capable of doing a highly paid job, so would be fully capable of parenting, and has chosen to opt out.

It’s NOT been OK whilst you’ve been on maternity leave. He’s been shit and you’ve made a series of poor decisions in tolerating that, and doing your H’s share as well as your own, to your own detriment, particularly as regards sleep. Prioritising your H’s office job over your health, and what’s best for your DC (eg a well mother, an engaged, capable father).

Your H has seen you doing it all, including all night every night, and thinks that’s OK. Not good.

You’re right though that it’ll get a hell of a lot worse when you return to work, even with great childcare.

Bet your H thinks you will go PT, work 9-5 etc while he continues to work as though he didn’t have DC? So he gets promoted etc while you don’t and will then argue his job is top priority because ‘we need the money’ : ‘I earn more/have a harder job than you’.

What we did when I went back to work was divide up jobs, I know it doesn't work for everyone but it avoids the whole 'oh I thought you had done it'.

We had fixed pick up and drop off days (8 years later we are still doing the same ones!) I do bags, if DH is doing drop off he can grab the bag safe in the knowledge it is sorted. Conversely I couldn't tell you which day our bins are collected. You get the idea.

Whoever picks up does tea, the other is free to work as late as they want. DH has never missed a bedtime, I've missed many on my 2 late days over the years.

You need to stop being so supportive of his work, giving him a free pass to get out of parenting. Otherwise you might do the same job now, earn the same salaries, but just watch how he fast paths it over the next few years, whilst you're stuck on the mommy track.

I'd pull him up every single time he makes a ridiculous remark like you needing to reign back more on work " But DH we will be doing equal parenting so you'll need to exactly the same as me".

I'd also let him spend a bit more time alone with baby. His way may not be your way, but providing he's not actively neglecting your DS, then let him build up his confidence. Oh and he does 50% of nappies when he's there, that's just a given.

And you SHOULD mind ‘doing everything’ for your DC. That’s not healthy when you’re in a relationship.

Because you're exhausted

Because your partner clearly isn't as supportive as you'd like but perhaps he isn't aware of how you are struggling, or maybe he is but he also feels stressed/drained

Your life has changed, you have limited spare time for each other and when you do have time for each other you don't feel like talking or being touched as you're mentally drained

Do you have family that can watch your LO even once a month so you can go for a nice lunch or something?

This resentment is what happens when you have a burden to bear and your partner doesn’t support you. It might happen when you become ill or disabled, or when you have elderly parents to look after, or other difficulties to deal with - but most often it happens when you have a baby. You’re left carrying the burden while he swans off, and it makes you angry.

@trilbydoll

What we did when I went back to work was divide up jobs, I know it doesn't work for everyone but it avoids the whole 'oh I thought you had done it'.

We had fixed pick up and drop off days (8 years later we are still doing the same ones!) I do bags, if DH is doing drop off he can grab the bag safe in the knowledge it is sorted. Conversely I couldn't tell you which day our bins are collected. You get the idea.

Whoever picks up does tea, the other is free to work as late as they want. DH has never missed a bedtime, I've missed many on my 2 late days over the years.

I wish we'd done that.

It's resentment. Prior to having a baby you obviously both had responsibilities and they were shared. Probably didn't matter too much if it wasn't 50/50 as long as it was roughly that. If one of you had a lie in or went out and did your own thing, it didn't impact the other particularly because they could do whatever in that time (lie in too perhaps or do a hobby).

When a couple has a baby, it introduces a whole new set of responsibilities that previously were not there. Now when one of you has a lie in it does impact the other because they have to look after the baby. Now when one of you goes out to do your own thing it does impact the other because they have to take care of the baby. So the impact is pretty big - life as is was before is more complicated now because nearly everything you previously did without thinking now has to be thought about.

What tends to happen (not saying all the time, but most of the time that I've experienced and seen), the new mother tends to pick up most of the child caring and the new dad may pick up some extra slack elsewhere (housework for example) but it's not enough to outweigh the imbalance created by the huge amount of responsibilities looking after a small human has had on the new mum and so resentment builds. It can be small and subtle but it builds and creates bad feeling.

Essentially what's needed is a huge renegotiation of who does what. One of you living pretty much as they did pre children just isn't going to cut it. There needs to be acceptance on both sides that life has to chance significantly to accommodate and fairly share the new responsibilities having a child brings.

It took me and my dh nearly 2 years to properly navigate the changes and get to a better place. It tricky but it can be done.

Reasons having kids puts a strain on:
Resentment. Even with a 50/50 dh they ALWAYS want mum.
Lack of time for you as a couple.
Exhaustion.
A kid who prefers your bed to theirs.
Having something else to split your time with.
Mourning the life you had.
Different views on parenting.

How to combat it:
Make sure you do an equal split. Like a pp, we have defined household jobs and a drop off/ pick up routine.
Make the effort for the occasional night out.
See it as a.temporary blip.
Still haven't solved the difference in parenting views.

DH and I are very equal parents but it wasn't like it in the beginning and it took us a few very honest conversations to get there.

After a year of maternity leave I was probably guilty of taking on the lion's share of parenting because I was in a routine and it was easier to do things myself rather than letting DH and do things slower/differently.

I'm not saying it's the case here but I really had to step back and let DH do things his way even if I was inwardly cringing that DC weren't wearing what I would have put out, were eating something different, using the 'wrong' cup or it was taking ages to assemble the pram. The more I sighed and huffed, the more DH stepped back from doing things. I was tired and honestly didn't even realise I was doing it.

Lack of sleep + resentment is a killer but the good news is that you can come out the other side!

Could it be subconscious worry about how you’ll cope when you go back to work and perhaps resentment that you’ll be then potentially juggling an unfair burden? I think you need to sit down and discuss how if your going to go back to work what needs to change so neither of you feels an unfair burden

He won't understand what to do to help unless a) you tell him very specifically or b) he has to do it totally alone for 5-6 days whilst you are elsewhere.

Since you don't want to spell it out to him do as PP suggests and be elsewhere for a week. Not as a holiday but for the sake of your relationship and your career

Right, it's time to get practical here. What is your plan for going back to work in terms of childcare, luck e ups/ drop offs, division of household labour? If your child is sick, how will you divide up who takes the day off work and goes and collects them? So you have an equal amount of down time for your hobbies? How will you divide up the early mornings? You need to sit down together and work this out BEFORE you go back to work. Resentment kills relationships and is very hard to come back from.

‘ He won't understand what to do to help unless a) you tell him very specifically’

This man is a high earner in the city FFS.

It’s not OP’s job to teach her spouse how to parent.

Your option (b) sounds better, but if the problem is that Op’s H is sexist and unwilling to do a fair share it’s unlikely to help.

The idea of taking a weeks holiday and leaving him to look after baby is a good one, and after 11 months of being on call 24/7 I bet you need it.

Sit down and try to get every single domestic & childcare job listed and some fair way of dividing them up.

What childcare will you use? Work out what will be required to do that. Who picks up & drops off, all fairly done.

Agree in advance who takes time off work when baby (or nanny) is sick which he will be all the time if he's going to nursery. It should be 50/50.

Don't let him side line your career, if he does carry on doing very little the resentment will grow and you will need your career as an exit plan.

I know it's said flippantly but there is some value in you taking off for a few days, honestly. Leaving an untidy house, a load of washing to be done, not a fully stocked fridge so he'll need to get a shop in, etc. And let it be known that you expect him to sort the house etc, you don't want to come home to a tip, just like he doesn't!

Let him see exactly how hard it is to do all of those things, whilst being tired because you e not had a decent sleep and then taking care of a baby on top of that. It is not easy, and it's about time he learned. You've been, understandably, too soft on him and you need to sort this now before you go back to work.

Time for reality to hit. Unless you're concerned that your baby wouldn't be cared appropriately (in which case you have far bigger problems to look at) then time to hand over to Dad and let him figure it out. He knows what to do, he just doesn't do it because you do!

I don’t think it necessarily changes for the worst with every couple. For us, it really solidified that we were a team. We’ve always worked together and tag teamed in relation to caring the children, the housework and jobs in the house.

You’ve maybe made a rod for your own back by letting him step back when your baby was tiny. This has allowed him disengage. I don’t mean for a minute that this is your fault. I can understand why you’ve done that, you were being understanding and kind but women with pnd just have to crack on and get on with it.

I would sit him down and explain to him what your expectations are and that he needs to start being a parent and engaging in family life.

Hopefully things will improve for you. You must be shattered after 11 months of broken sleep💐